Topic ID: 13820
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маттѕтея
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 Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 12:59 pm Post subject: |
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So, I found the prologue really fun to read, especially with the ice cream. ^^
I like what you told me in chat about the future of the story, so keep it up.  |
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Alteran
I kissed a Girl.... Not a Fan
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| Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 3:22 am Post subject: Re: Espers’ Sepulchral I : Discriminant |
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| It was very nice there, yet so hot. I was wearing a sun hat made of straw with an excessively large downturned brim, shades, a blue bikini top, walking shorts, and flip flops for my feet. My parents and friends worried that I would sunburn my back, but I did not, for my flowing hair was so long it shielded it completely. Many in my guild would say my hair was like a waterfall, because it was silky blue and shimmered in the sun. |
I didn't know the character was girl unitl i read this paragraph. I dont think you need the part in red. A bit to much info i think.
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| The rooms in our hotel were so comfortable. The walls were made of brick which was a nice change to the boring wallpaper in my room. Pictures of various fish and of the island were pinned on the walls of our room. There was a balcony facing the beach. During the night, the breeze of the ocean would sweep into our rooms so the room was cool when we slept. I could hear the waves gently riveting the sands, influenced by the moon shining high in the jeweled sky. |
You need a comma in between the first red. and the second red is messing with the flow and I dont see it's importance.
I really liked the description of the ocean and the sky. Very nice. 
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| We spent the days there going on the island tours, meeting and making new friends from the islanders there, getting to play in the fresh waters of the beach with my friends as we splash each other back and forth, but the best of all....shopping! |
If it's red I asy delete it. I think the Green from should be a with and the yellow is cause i thought you were at the ocean with salt water.
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| They havesuch a great sense of fashion and their accessories were so exotic, so natural, unlike the artifical ones in the city's mall. |
You changed tense in this sentence. Have should be had.
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| I was thankful to my family for organizing the trip and for inviting my friends. I was never alone and it was refreshing to experience another island's culture and lifestyle, which I may never see again. I loved them, but they were just plain,ordinary people really. |
you dont need the for. It justs blocks up the flow.
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| Anyways, we were returning to the main lands when slowly, storm clouds started forming in the distant. It was unusual, for the forecast magicians did not foretell the coming of a storm in the tropics. |
I cant takes it! please get rid of the Anyways. If it was dialouge it wouldn't be so bad but right there seems so wrong. Orange=distance. get rid of the for too.
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| And the next thing I knew, we were caught in the storm. I could hear screams erupting around me as the passengers crammed the main deck and I was squashed. I tried desperately to seek my family and friends within the crowd, but there were too many. I started getting seasick, due to the rocking of the boat caused by wave after wave striking the sides of the ship. |
The green: Deck, I was squashed
Blue: To many what. Needs to a bit more specific
Purple: It's a bit wordy and really drags your flow. It could be split into 2 very nice sentences.
I liked it a lot. There is a pretty strong foundation and it hink it can develop into something very epic. I really liked who she was obsessd with the ice cream. And that she didn't remeber what happened on the boat. I think she was abducted. But by what!? You better reveal it! lol.
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Sean Pendr
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| Posted: Wed Mar 21, 2007 3:50 am Post subject: ITS GREAT!!!!!!! |
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| its wonderful i cant trully find anything wrong, not even aspelling error,(im bad a speeling when writing something.......) keep up the good work! |
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Squall
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2007 11:03 am Post subject: |
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| Posted a quarter of chapter 1. |
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Jiggity
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2007 11:22 am Post subject: |
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First off, violent misuse of ellispes!! That is '...' a technique for suspense in an unsuspensful story, it just doesnt work, Disrupts the flow.
There were quite a few minor errors, that I think you should go over and edit.
I found it odd as well, first the diary-esque style, which I didnt entirely like, and the fact that the protagonist was a girl, was also a shock lol. Not in a bad way though. You mention a guild, briefly, but then say nothing more on tha matter and the content verges from comical to serious so violently that it doesnt evoke a reaction from either.
I think you should decide one, serious or not serious. You could pull of both I think. I like the serious side though, there's a spiritual feel to the girl that I lke. What I also notice is that sometimes you verge between her being self aware of power and unaware. Again, a choice has to be made there.
Eg, you seem to be giving the idea that she has an affinity for water and perhaps power there but the she gets seasick?
Anyway, on the whole, it was okay, but it can be better if those aforementioned choices are made...
Take care! |
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Squall
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| Posted: Wed May 16, 2007 8:23 am Post subject: |
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| Jiggity wrote: |
First off, violent misuse of ellispes!! That is '...' a technique for suspense in an unsuspensful story, it just doesnt work, Disrupts the flow.
There were quite a few minor errors, that I think you should go over and edit.
I found it odd as well, first the diary-esque style, which I didnt entirely like, and the fact that the protagonist was a girl, was also a shock lol. Not in a bad way though. You mention a guild, briefly, but then say nothing more on tha matter and the content verges from comical to serious so violently that it doesnt evoke a reaction from either.
I think you should decide one, serious or not serious. You could pull of both I think. I like the serious side though, there's a spiritual feel to the girl that I lke. What I also notice is that sometimes you verge between her being self aware of power and unaware. Again, a choice has to be made there.
Eg, you seem to be giving the idea that she has an affinity for water and perhaps power there but the she gets seasick?
Anyway, on the whole, it was okay, but it can be better if those aforementioned choices are made...
Take care! |
Hadn't had time to respond to this. The reason why Waverly (not the main character) was able to get sick despite her affinity is that the force which acted at that time was something other than elemental based. You can say it is "unknown." As a result she got seasick regardless.
Also, the elipses was only a little experiment. I'm trying to aim the story with a mix of seriousness and some relaxing scenes as I personally don't like reading something so heavy. |
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PsychicNinja
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| Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 2:31 am Post subject: |
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yay!
I finally got the chance to read this! I love it!
Your description is great!
no ice cream..dang..
Well..I really liked your description, and I think this sets up a good story!
~PN |
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Armadian
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| Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 4:32 am Post subject: |
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| The descriptions were wonderful and I can't wait to read more. I have the same question as Rieda. |
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Phorcys
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| Posted: Sat Aug 04, 2007 2:40 pm Post subject: |
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The line-by-line crits have already been done so I'll give you some generic feedback as a reader rather than an editor.
Your descriptions are the strong point of the Prologue. The opening is really captivating and I can see hints to pathetic fallacy in order to reflect character mood.
The first person narrative was done well however what I really disliked was the rollercoaster of funny then serious all through - I think you should go for all serious using devices that you demonstrate and cut out the humour cos' its just messing with what is a decent piece.
The opening paragraph doesn't seem to fit with the diaryesk style. Again I think its either one or the other, go for a total diary with no setting or include more setting and lessen the diary type tone.
Best of luck. *Goes to find the next two chapters* |
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Insomnia
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| Posted: Sat Aug 11, 2007 7:56 am Post subject: |
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Hey, Andy. First off, I have have to say that this is awesome without any editing. Your descriptions are amazing. I've just been trying to focus on dialogue, lately. xD The first paragraph seemed really artistic.
Rain water filled the craters in the sand.
Most of the things I have to say are optional, and may make the story better or worse, depending on the reader. Here I don't think you need the first 'the.' It kind of makes the sentance sound strange.
“But does she feel close to me?” I thought
Just a preference here: a lot of people I know put thoughts in italics. Then it saves from having to say 's/he thought' a lot.
for they were safe from the wave.
waves, plural?
Then, the outbreak of the diseases came.
Once again, I would cut a 'the.' Maybe the second one this time.
What is this...force that has behind the action of the waves?
That sentance confused me a little. If you're trying to say what I think you are, then maybe: "...force that is behind..."
or so what the villagers say.
I don't think the what is needed there.
making new friends from the islanders there,
As always, not actually needed, but I think you could replace 'from' with 'of.'
and that I have been separated from my family and friends.
Get rid of that 'and,' I think.
After that, there's nothing. I loved everything in this, especially the part about the mirror.
It's really interesting, so I'll probably read more soon. Sorry if most of my crit is a bit useless lol.
-Mat |
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Lynlyn
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| Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 2:16 am Post subject: |
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There is something really cool about your writing that I can never really put a finger on. I'm not sure what it is, maybe the way you describe colors - it makes everything so vivid.
I have to apologize because I think in one of the future chapters I mentioned something about the introduction of Pikara's memory of a character named Waverly being a little too obvious, but when I read this it makes a lot more sense. Since she has already been mentioned, it's a lot more fitting that she comes up later - I thought that the mention of the girl was the first time her name had come up.
Most of the other guys who did line-by-lines caught most of the stuff I would have pointed out. I think the only thing you need to be careful with is your syntax; just make sure that your sentences sound natural when read out loud in addition to when they're read on the page.
So.. yeah, great job, keep it up. I can't wait to read chapter three! (Apparently there's candy. Candy is good!) |
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KiteRide86
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| Posted: Sat Aug 18, 2007 3:17 am Post subject: |
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Yay!!! I finally read it!
This was really good! I can't wait to read the rest. Very interesting. And this was in Fantasy? I'm looking forward to see why.
The first paragraph was brilliant! You made me interested. I wanted to know why she was alone and where she was and what happened to her friends?
Good work!!!
(Is her name Waverly? jw) |
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