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Walking in the dark
Walking in the dark

by LoveableLittleSock in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on March 24, 2007
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Tamia's quest part I and II
tamia's quest part III
Tamia's quest V
Tamia's quest VI
Tamia's quest VII
Tamia's quest VIII
Tamia's quest IX
Tamia's quest X
Tamia's quest XI
Tamia's quest XII
Tamia's quest XIII
Tamia's quest XIV
Tamia's quest, chapter one
Tamia's quest

Tamia's quest IV

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 8:26 am    Post subject: Tamia's quest IV Reply with quote

The dark figure sat in the shadows for a while longer, staring after Ryn.

"Idiot."

With this he stood to his full six feet and turned up the lamp. He had dimmed it when he had sensed Ryn coming. It wouldn't do for Ryn to know who exactly he was dealing with, after all.

He ran his fingers through his short coarse hair, wincing as his claws caught in a snag.

"They never think past the next pay. Too bad for them."

An intoxicating aroma came from the next room. "Ah!" He smiled. "Dinner!"

* * *

Tamia was sore. Her feet ached, her head pounded and she was weary beyond imagination. She had walked for nine days, eating berries and roots she found in the woods.

Her shortbow was slung over her shoulder, useless. She had snapped her last string three days ago, stalking a young hare. The prospect of having no meat was enough to make her grumpy.

Apart from her physical ailments, she was reeling inside. After her mother died, she packed in a daze. The prone body of the attacker was still slumped against the hearth. She had taken out her hunting knife and drew it across his throat, all emotions numb.

She then turned her back on her mother, her home, her life. Unsure what to do, she had just chose a direction and walked.

Looking back on the day now, Tamia almost vomited. Not only had she killed a man, she had left her mother's body to rot, without the proper rituals demanded by the dead.

That night, she started a fire and stared into the flames. A owl flew overhead, its mournful call echoing Tamia's grief. It was always the worst at night, when labor was no longer distracting her. Her mind buzzed with thoughts, and her emotions boiled inside her.

If only he hadn't come.

If only she hadn't froze when he grabbed Ma.

If only she could go back and preform the rituals.

If only...

No!

Her mind rebelled. She wouldn't think of this. She can't feel like this. No more self-pity. As she lay down to sleep, she resolved to not look back.

So, in the morning, she mechanically ate some tubers she had cooked the night before. She packed up, and she walked.

Where? she didn't care.

True to her word, she had locked out all emotions. In the weeks after, she reverted back to natural instincts. She ate, slept and walked, never allowing herself thought or emotion. An observer would have thought her insane, her eyes glazed and a strange half-smile on her face.

Her once healthy hair was falling out of a much unkempt ponytail. She was filthy, dirt staining her fair skin a dusty brown. Her leather vest was torn and a leaf was snagged in her loose trousers.

"Oi! lady!"

Tamia span like a startled animal, hand on the hilt of her hunting knife, eyes searching the dense bush.

A figure dropped out of the trees, landing in a crouch.

"No need for the knife now... just want to talk."

It was a child... Tamia blinked. No. Not a child... He was too well proportioned, as though four feet tall was his intended height. His large brown eyes were dancing in mischief, and his chestnut hair looked untameable.

Tamia's eyes focused, and a light in her face was relit.

"Who... who are you?" Tamia's voice was faltering and rusty after her days of solitude.

"Me? I'm your savior."


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 8:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, wonderful ending! And I love how this felt like action but was really after the action. I don't have much to really critique except maybe check for capitals after periods. Otherwise it was great.

When you get more to this make sure to tell me so I can review more on it. Smile

Great job, Keep at it!
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 9:01 am    Post subject: cool Reply with quote

I am reviewing this as I read, so forgive me if I am inconsistant Smile

“The prospect of having no meat was enough to make her grumpy.” It would make anyone grumpy! Try saying something a little stronger, like “Furious” or you could say it was enough to make her quit and go home!

Also, it would be better to get into the habit of a new paragraph for every new paragraph, not merely a new line. It’s easier to read on the internet, although publishers wont accept it. (stupid publishers! Mad )

“Looking back on the day now, Tamia almost vomited” you should say “That day” cause it happened a while ago.

“A owl flew overhead, its mournful call echoing Tamia's grief. It was always the worst at night, when labor was no longer distracting her. Her mind buzzed with thoughts, and her emotions boiled inside her.” I do like this though! Well done! And afterwards when her thoughts are spinning inside her and you have used short paragraphs, single sentences, very clever. Very Happy

“she mechanically ate some tubers” this is good. Very Happy

All in all, I don’t see much wrong with it. It’s obvious you can write, and write well. I would like to see more of this piece. I am surprised no one has reviewed sooner! Smile

Yours
BlackDove Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 9:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I totally got the sensation that she was like a robot, doing stuff automatically, but also like an animal, doing stuff by instinct, and less human than usual. The "savior"'s description was excellent.

Now we come to a cliffhanger... *sigh*.
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 29, 2007 1:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nutter Butter --

I'm not much for fantasy, and since I haven't read the previous parts of this story, I can't fully critique its plot. Couple things though:

1. Double-space your paragraphs.

2. The girl seems written well, and I like how she tries to block out her emotions, because that seems fairly realistic.

3. That kid is way too eloquent.

But otherwise, I didn't think it was written badly at all.

Hurrah!

Prokaryote

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 14, 2007 11:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey! Just read this with all the other parts. I'd been looking forward to it but I didn't realise it was even out lol. Worth the wait. Wink

Everything Tamia done seemed realistic for someone who had lost their world, and I loved the attention to detail, shown when you said her voice was faltering and rusty. Shows a lot of thought.

Anyway, I think everything that needed to be said already had been, but I just wanted to comment and say how much I like reading this. Smile

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 15, 2007 2:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

All of these have been very good aside from a few gramatical errors; bravo! Would you mind PMing me when you post the next bit? I'd really appriciate it.

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PostPosted: Sun May 13, 2007 8:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love how this ended. I was wondering what Tamia was doing. And who is this new person? Nutty, if I didn't already have number five at my fingertips, I'd go nuts. Pardon the pun, I didn't intend it. I liked how you wrote it. Good word use.

And oh no! I think my dad's going to tell me to go to bed! That means I need to wait for tomorrow for number five! Crying or Very sad Darn it. Oh well. I hadn't hoped to get this far any way. I really loved and can't wait to read number five! Please keep them coming! They rock! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2007 5:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice! Good writing the way Tamia felt numb and was doing things on automatic. A few things leapt out tho: you don't mention what equipment she had at all; I think it would be good to state what she had and what she didn't. She barged out of her home in a hurry, so she wouldn't have taken much, but it would be good to be more or less specific.

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 9:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is much better written now, just please write thoughts in italics, or you may kill my brain. Anyway I agree with Prok but, you can use the thing I gave ya. Anyway on to part whatever... Hehe this is good just issues with way you write things.

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