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ChesterMcEnroe
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 Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:09 pm Post subject: Pretty Good |
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You impressed me with this. I found some minor errors throughout. Alot of them were simmiliar to these:
which stood out of her powdered face.
Should be:
...which stood out on her powdered face.
Alexzander
Should be:
Alexander
There are more errors like this throughout the story, but the story itself, aside from its errors, was an engrossing read that I found pretty enjoyable. Not a horror story, but a good story none-the-less. Peace! |
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PirateQueen
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| Posted: Mon Apr 23, 2007 4:58 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not going to point out the grammar mistakes since everyone else already has. I've never read a story about circus performers so this a good and new idea. You had good descriptions that will definitely help readers understand the characters and their surroundings. You confused me a little when you said
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Laid on the table was no banquet. It was pittance compared to what the Ringleader had.
Some old candle sticks used as a centre piece. Once fine, but now cracked and chipped, china plates. |
This makes sense, but then you go on to say
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| In front of them there was a leg of well-roasted pork some new potatoes garnished with fresh butter and some freshly baked aromatic garlic bread. |
This sound like a nice meal to me.
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| Antio grabbed a jug and started pouring red wine into antique crystal glass |
Crystal glasses? They seem pretty well off to me. If this was a meal meant for a special occasion and they normally have a meager meal than you need to say that. Other than that I really enjoyed the story.
#Queen of the Pirates# |
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Skell
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 4:16 am Post subject: Finally commenting on your work |
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I think your basic story line is great, there are some parts i think you breezed through and should of elaborated on, but mostly ti all holds together well, you have alot of odd grammer mistakes where you miss out an s or your sentences are muddled a bit.
But on the whole its good and from what i hve seen other people have already commetned on the errors i saw.
Chapter one dow, now only what, 10 more to go, lol |
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Imelda
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| Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 8:55 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, I'm done now. I'll add here that this is only a critique--you take from it what is useful and ignore what is not. It's my opinion, and while I'm an experienced critiquer, reader, and writer, I'm not a professional (yet *crosses fingers*) and I'm not God, so my opinion is not always right. I hope you find something useful in this critique!
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The room reverberated with noise, lights shone from glittering lamps. Everyone fell silent as a man made his way into the ring.
“Ladies and gentlemen, and 'and' is rather out of place here because it isn't actually adding on to anything. I'd either cut it, or change it to 'Aand now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment ...' now the moment you’ve all been waiting for,” the man’s What's the man's voice like. Right now I don't have much of an idea of anything--it is a circus, a boxing ring, a theatre with a circular stage ... telling me who the man is would help (i.e. ringmaster, announcer, etc) voice boomed, “the most popular act of the night I'd put a dash here and .... featuring son and daughter of the world renowned acrobats Antio and Melissa. here, because it's actually all one sentence and doesn't make sense when it's split up The brother and sister duo of Alexzander and Tea, will perform their parents’ signature feat ‘Blind Luck’!” Ok, having got to the end of that, I think it could do with reorganising--I'm confused as to whose act they're doing, who's doing it. It might help to break the thing up with a bit of description (not much) to orient the reader.
The spectators broke out in a frenzy of riotous applause. Alexzander bowed several times and smiled, he knew that they all wanted him Who's he? The ringleader dude? I'm confused ...; it made him feel amazing I'd like 'amazing' to be expanded here--This is the first character we have to identify with, so I wanna know what he's *really* feeling. He gave them what they asked for and scarcely failed in any of his feats. His family was known all through the land, him especially bleurgh, this sentence is a little awkward. I'm inclined to say it should be 'his family were known through all the land, especially he.. Before he leapt from his position Which is where? Don't take it for granted that the reader knows where your characters are, he took a look around the crowded arena, responding to the cheering by giving a final wave. It was the most daring thing he had ever done. Tell me how he's feeling about that. Exhilerated? (sp?) Nervous?
His sister, Teacomma stood on a smaller pillar grinning intently at him. She was a few years older than him. She had long blond hair, which she always kept loose, for she had told him many times she loved feeling of hair flying as she fell I beg to differ. I have long blonde hair and it's soooo annoying sometimes--it'd tangle someting dreadful in your face unless you did lots of awkward little flicks to get it out ... which would be dagnerous if she's about to do what I think she is!. It glistened in the blinding lights of the circus, making it appear heavenly golden. Her thick, golden eyelashes made her azure eyes stand out on her powdery white face Again, that's pretty but unrealistic--blonde eyelashes blend into your face rather ... I know I might seem picky, but you have to be careful about things like this where some people will know it's wrong.. Her lips were decorated with crimson lipstick that shimmered gracefully on her fragile face. She wore silver bracelets up to her elbows so they would catch the light as she sailed through the air. All this was to make her appear more angelic than the other tumblers of the circus. Alexzander laughed because even when she wasn’t in her costume she still look liked an acrobatic angel. <-I like that bit, it's more what I look for in terms of characterisation!
Alexzander’s mum and dad called out encouraging words from the stands. He closed his eyes, grinning from ear to ear as he jumped. His sister's job was to catch him at the last minute From where? Are they trapeze artists?. He was finally considered skilled enough to try this. He fell, not scared in the least, then he felt his sisters hands throw him on One wordto platform she had been on. He opened his eyes as the crowd erupted into joyful applause. He turned round and saw Tea on his pillar smiling and blowing kisses to all her admirers. He winked at her and bowed, embracing the admiration. He took one last bow as the applause continued then begun began his decent down the ladder. Tea blew a few more kisses and followed him down. What? One swing or whatever and that's it? That's the amazing feat? In all honestly, that's rubbish--this could be really amazing, describing the rushing of air and the swooping of innards. There are flashes of good stuff in here--I have confidence you can make this fascinating!
Before his foot even touched the dirt floor, his mum swept him up in a tight embrace.
“Well done! Oh, well done! You were so amazing up there, your father and I --” Her voice faded, Alexzander could hear no more under the ovation of the crowd. His tarry hair fell to his inquisitive green eyes. His tall stature made him stand out as he gazed at all those who seemed to worship him. He waved his lengthy arms at them before placing them on one of the pillarsfull stop Signs of a moustache were visible under his nose. His long fingers danced on the wooden pole, chipping some paint off While he's being hugged?!. His mother let go of him just as his dad came towards them, grinning.
“Wow, both you and Tea performed the act perfectly!” hollered Be wary about using so-called 'saidisms' too much. Often it's ok to say 'said' as it can become tiring to read loads of 'hollered' etc. Alexzander’s father, “You amazed me tonight, both of you!"
Tea came up from behind, smiling, and walked over to Alexzander, pulling him away from their parents.
"I admit, Alexzander, I was scared and worried. Weren’t you worried? Even though it felt amazing, I still worried," She says 'worried' an awful lot ... Tea asked as she looked into his sharp eyes.
“Tea, we are worshipped like gods; why should we fear? Because being worshipped doesn't make you automatically good ... We were born under lucky stars.”
“Brother, even if we were lucky tonightcomma, it doesn’t mean we will be lucky forever. Sometimes I worry that our luck will run out.”
“Never fear,” Alexzander said cockily, “People, like ourselves,<-that doesn't need to be in commas don’t burn out like fireworks; we are fiery stars.”
“It’s not me I’m worried about, it’s you! Just be careful,” Tea continuedcomma genuine concern in her voice. “I’d rather you were a little careful than shot<-weird grammar on that bit ... into the dirt because you attempted to reach higher than you could.”
“When have I ever shot too high? You’ve nothing to fear. I’ll be careful,” Alexzander said calmly, holding back laughter of disbelief. Why was his sister worried about him falling when he was the indefinite shooting star?
Before Tea walked away she added, “Don’t shoot too high my brother! Eventually shooting stars will<-cut 'will' burn out.”
“I’ll be fine!” I just realised that I still have no idea what act they were actually doing. And where are they while having this conversation? In the middle of the ring still? You could definitely do with more description of the surroundings--slow the pace down a little and drag me into it more. So far your style is fairly mechanical and you're focussing on telling movement after movement or dialogue after dialogue, and there's little embellishment. It may just be me, as I like semi-flowery prose, but if I'm picking up on it, other people might well do too. Another thing I'll point out right now while I'm rambling *rolleyes* is that some of your sentences seem a tad off grammar-wise and this can make them clunky and hard to rearrange. I'd suggest that you read the whole thing aloud (yes, you do feel incredibly stupid doing that. Record yourself for maximum hilarity  ) and see where you stumble over it, or what makes you uncomfortable.
Tea looked back, opening her mouth slightly as if she were going to add something on[b[ cut 'on'[/b], but then turned her face and continued to walk. Both of them headed back to their trailers to rest. They have their own trailers? I thought circus families shared ... but I dunno. You probably know more than I do.
After all the guests had left and the janitors I don't think they have 'janitors' in circuses--I think they all pitch in began to sweep up the messes left behind comma the owner of the circus strode over to Alexzander’s parents.
“Well done my Soaring Yeasa’s Huh?! Antio, Melissa, your children have amazing skill. They could really go places,”full stop capital letter 'C'--you can't chuckle words (at least not easily ...) chuckled the man in the dazzling red costume. In his hand he held a whip and his sleek, black top hat.
Antio took a step closer, saying, "No, no. We are family, we shall stay a family and always be a family!” Melissa nodded add a bit onto here, to make it clear that Melissa wasn't the one speaking--people with short attention spans (or absent-minded critiquers who are watching the Eurovison song contest at the same time ^^) might forget and get confused by the end of the dialogue.
“But Antio your children can really go far! They could leave and earn more money elsewhere!” added onthat sounds clunky. I'd put 'the ringmaster added' the ring master who bobbed his head in agreement to his own statement.
“No you don’t get it, we are family and will stay family!” Antio stomped his foot to prove his point. I'd like to get more into a character's head right now, because I don't care one way or the other. I can see, on a superficial level that they wouldn't want to be spilt up, but it would be more effective if we'd had some good interaction between the family, and maybe some hint of whether the ringleader is well-meaning, or a nasty guy.
“Very well, but remember, I started you off and could very well end your career," he sneered, "or should I say ‘family business’ like this--” With that he took the whip in his hand and cracked it on the ground, laughing at his clever example. Ok, now that's good. I like it when characters are evil. Sometimes I even hand out evil points! And they're a good thing.  new paraAntio made a fist but his wife quickly grabbed his arm, preventing him from striking the man’s nose. The man stopped laughing when he saw Antio’s fist and, waving his finger to and fro, said, “Now, now, nowcomma Antio you should try to control your temper or you will regret it!” The ring master strolled off, chuckling as tears rolled down his hollow face He was laughing that hard? That seem srather over the top.
Melissa and Antio decided it was time to head back to their room I thought they had trailers?. Antio thought about how his two children had both managed ‘Blind Luck’ and had shown their teamwork skills. It made him proud to be their father. The rain spattered down creating puddles in the turf. Yay, detail! Antio and his wife hurried along, not wanting to get their performance costumes wet. In the distance, the sounds of circus music played in a new mournful tune I thought it had finished, since the'janitors' were cleaning up;New sentence--his thought isn't related to the music the circus had been his life for so long. Many kids dreamed of running away to the circus, but he felt he needed to settle down with his family. At dinner, he thought to himself as he and his wife darted to their room, I will ask them.
As the couple continued to splash in the puddles Antio swore he heard voices. He looked over his shoulder but saw nothing. He escorted his wife to her room before he pushed open his thick, wooden door They have separate rooms? :-O How archaeic .... He suddenly felt uneasy,Semi colon something was different but just couldn’t figure out what. He turned his head and realized the window was open. He locked them number agreement--it was ONE window earlier ..., knowing that they were shut before he left for the night. Shouldn't he investigate? A knock interrupted the silence. “Who is it?”
“It’s Tea. I want to talk to you,” answered the voice in the rain. That sounds like the rain is talking to him ...
“Can’t this wait for dinner?”
“No sorry, it can’t.”
“Very well,” he replied unlocking the door.
She walked in, water dripping from her clothes creating a small puddle.
“Well, my daughter, what can’t wait for dinner?”
“Father, its Alexzander. It scares me how he never seemed afraid during ‘Blind Luck’. I have to ask, were you afraid father?”
“What do you mean by what? Do you mean this night as I watched or when I preformed performed it?” queried again with the saidisms the man.
“I mean when you first tried it with mother.”
“That was long ago, Tea, my flower. Nothing you need to worry about.”
“I know, but I’m not worried about you, per se, That doesn't make sense--presumably they don't do it any more, so there's no point worrying! but your answer may help clear my worries of something else.”
“Well Tea, if it’s that important then you can know.<-this sounds very stiff and un-fatherly. I'm not really feeling the emotion in this conversation, and I can't picture the situation. It'd be nice to see a little movement slipped into the dialogue--that can be really useful in expanding on characterisation and orienting the reader. I was terrified, all that prevented me from a fall to my death was your mother’s intervention. I trusted her, but I still worried, Tea.” <-I like this last bit.
“My fears are confirmed …” she whispered, her eyes flickering with worry, before smiling at her father,full stop “I must go now. Thank you Father. See you at dinner!”
Antio was left wondering who could have been in here. I find ths jump a little off-putting--what are his thoughts/feelings on his daughter's worry? Does he share them? Personally I'd like a line or two letting me know, and then Antio perhaps seeing the window and remembering, which seems to me to be a more natural course. He remembered the talk with his boss. That man had an awful lot of power throughout this area, which worried but strengthened Antio; that man would not break up his family This doesn't make sense to me. Why would a powerful man with a grudge ... strengthen Antio? If there's a reason why Antio thinks his boss won't break up the family it'd be really good to put it in here.. He changed slowly, pulling his circus costume off until he was standing in his underwear in front of the mirror. Antio was very muscular and had a white wolf tattoo howling on his back Cool.. His hair was black like ink, except in one spot where he was balding. His eyes were dark, sparkling water drops Huh? I don't get that description, I'm afraid. I get the dark. I get how they cold sprakle LIKE water drops, but coupled by just a comma looks a little odd .... He had short fluffy bread A short fluffy BEARD--gotta love those funny typos. reaching to his neck picky, but which part of his neck? I'm imagining it just past his chin to him him an old, yet sophisticated and still dynamic look, but it could also be the bottomof his neck, which suggests a completely different sort of person. Descriptions with double meanings like this can be a pain and they're really hard to spot in your own work!. His features were finely chiseled. Many of his admirers loved him but they were slowly shifting towards his handsome son Aww, poor guy.. Antio started to slip on his formal clothes, a pair of polished black shoes, some well-worn black trousers and his dinner jacket, almost mechanically. I suspect the commas are a bit off in the sentence, but I can't think how to put them differently ...
He took one last look at this room; it had been his home ever since he had been taken in by the ring master. The room was nothing amazing, but to him it was home. A long narrow bed, a few knick-knacks he had collected were scattered around the room along with posters advertising and praising his performances and acts and his children’no apostrophe theres’ shows were arranged on the walls next to his, starting with Tea as a young girl.This sentence is a little long--I think it'd be nice to give the posters a sentence of their own since it's an important part of this guy in a way A wardrobe was propped against the other wall and had housed all the costumes he’d ever had. The whole boarding room seemed quaint and happy, but to Antio it was a room full of lost memories.That sentece seems ... odd. I don't get what you mean by 'boarding room'--maybe it's an Americanism? and the juxtaposition of 'quaint' and 'happy' is odd as I don't think rooms can technically be 'happy'--they can feel happy, sure, but not *be* happy. The lost memories part confuses me as if you lose a memory then you don't know you had it ... but I think that's just me Antio pushed the door open and headed out to meet his family for dinner, smiling.
It had stopped raining. I don't get why the rain stopping is important enough to have a para of its own. If it was foreboding something, then fine. Maybe it is, but I don't get that sense from it. It might be better, if it's necessary to have this, to just have Antio notice it or something. It's up to you ...
*******************************
Alexzander was lying on his mattress, contemplating. Tea sure had struck his nerve. Why should he of><'have'. Pretty please learn the difference.  been afraid? He’d practiced thousands of times beforecomma every time as graceful and well done as the last EVERY time? What about when he was practising?. He sighed, ruffling his hands through his hair in frustration. Why had her words affected him so much? Alexzander sighed. He had no time to think about these frivolous things. He hadn’t died doing the stunt and wasn’t planning on doing so. He couldn’t. His sister was just jealous at his talent. He smirked at the ingenuity<-I think you mean another word. Erm ... I think I know what you do mean, but I can't think of the word ... of it. Well, if my dearest sister Tea is jealous, he thought to himself, then it’s time to raise the stakes even higher!
***********************************
The circus master grinned. He posed in front of his mirror, speaking to himself in a businesslike manner, holding blank applications in his hands,full stop, I think “It’s not easy to find fresh talent! For god's sake they have so much potential! Alexzander and Tea, oh, how they rake in the customers. But that father of theirs, ooh, so stubborn. My, my, that could lead to some problems, don’t you agree?”
He held his hand out to his reflection before he sat down. Dude, this guy is crazy! Nice job with his characterisation. He leaned back in his chair, running his bony fingers through his short russet hair. His Persian green are they Persian-green, or Persian-shaped AND green? If they're Persian shaped, then you need a comma after 'Persian', and if they're Persian-green you need the hyphen. Hyphens are magical! eyes were calm, but sadistic. The crimson ringleader uniform was now creased, ruffled, and looking less magnificent than it was in the main tent. How come? The clothes don't randomly degenerate, so are they shabby but the ring lights don't show it up or what? He grinned maliciously,full stop “Maybe…” he pondered, “just maybe the father needs some good old fashioned persuasion.”
He laughed sinisterly.Mwahahahaha! “When I’m finished with that snooty Antio his family would tense agreement--'will' need a new manager that would be able to… walk!” He chortled, amused, adding the finishing touches onto his thoughts, knowing that nobody could accuse him of not having high ambitions.
**********************************
The chairs scuffled as the family entered. Laid on the table was no banquet, just a pittance, compared to what their boss had. Some old candle sticks made up the centerone wordpiece. Antio and Melissa’s wedding present-- a magnificent canteen of pure silver cutlery lay organized on the delicate lace tablecloth. In front of them there was a leg of well-roasted pork, some potatoes garnished with fresh butter, and some freshly-baked aromatic I think this flows better if 'aromatic' is before 'freshly-baked' garlic bread.
Melissa handed out the plates to everyone. Antio grabbed a jug and started pouring red wine into antique crystal glass for himself and his wife. Tea and Alexzander then helped themselves to milk. Alexzander begun to pour his milk into one of the glasses when Tea interrupted, making him spill some onto the table, he growled. 'he growled' seems a bit tacked on--I think this sentence could do with reorganising
“Alex. Listen and understand; it’s not wrong to show fear!”
Alexzander slammed the jug down and hollered, “Tea you’re a weakling and always will be one! You’re just jealous and if that’s how you feel then let’s see who is best!”
Tea stood up, knocking the chair backwards.This doesn't seem to be a realistic reaction to me. Tea has come across as much more hesitant than her brthoer up till now, so it's a bit odd to have her calmly talking one minute and then leaping out of her chair in anger the next--it'd be nice to see a transition She was stunned at her brother’s angry reactioncomma? but she stood her ground, “Alex it’s not a competition! You don’t need to prove whose best. We’re both skilledcomma so let’s not argue.”
Alexzander sneered, indignantly adding, “You’re such a wet blanket. It’s amazing you are even doing stunts with someone as talented as moi.” that's not indignant, so I think you could remove 'indignantly adding' completely.
Tea's lip quivered slightly and her eyes welled up with stinging tears. She then spokecomma taking a deep breath after each sentence, “I don’t want to fight. I want us to remain friends. I’m just concerned for you.”
Alexzander saw his parents frowning at him, hoping he wouldn’t speak, but impulsively he rolled his eyes and said. “Friend? I wouldn’t even count you as an enemy -- someone as pathetic as you.”
Tea shrieked through her tears, “Alexzander, your arrogance has cost you your sister and friend! I just hope it just doesn’t cost you your life.” She ran out of thedoor wailing loudly. Alexzander took one look at his Dad and saw he was angry, then he turned to his mum seeing disappointment in her face.
Alexzander knitted his eyebrows and yelled, “What?”
His mum looked at him and replied “Alexzander, we don’t mind if you were afraid. It’s completely normal.”
“Why can’t my family just get it? I wasn’t afraid!”
Melissa looked down onto the floornew sentence, cut the 'and' and Antio with blind fury in his eyes pointed towards the entrance.
Alexzander stormed out.
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Well I think there are some definite good points to this story. The circus setting is nothing I've seen before, so points for that. You've also started to develop a story and an antagonist, which is awesome--I see so many people who don't give hints for aaaaaaggggges and it's quite frustrating. So wahey for that. You obviously have a talent for visualising the action, but I think you could do with working on transmitting it to paper, as it's very clear in some parts (the dining scene) and almost completely absent in others (Antio and Tea's conversation). It's just a case of getting it consistent, and I see enough talent here that I think you can do it.
I think, from what I've read, that your major weakness is character motivation--they seem to switch from one train of thought or emotion to another with little or no transition, which is rather jarring and certainly detracted from my experience while reading it. I'd suggest that you spend some time watching people (it's fun! Just don't stalk people and don't tell them I told you to do it. ) in different situations and see how they behave. As it stands right now, it's clear that you, the author, are there directing the characters--the best fiction hides that and the characters are so real that they pick their own paths. There are many articles on the web about this that are pretty fascinating to read, and if you want any, just drop me a line and I'll have a scout around and find some for you.
I hope you won't be discouraged by any of my comments--you have definite potential, I can see that clearly, and I'm just trying to be honest and point out the flaws. If you don't know your weaknesses, it's a lot harder to fix them, right?
If you think you can bear another critique (:p) from me, then I'll have a look at chapter two. And rest assured that that is a compliment--if this was terrible, I'd be making excuses right now about how I'd love to critique the rest but I'm too busy. I'm AM busy, I have a huuuuge pile of critting building up, but I'll put you in it if you want, because I'd like to see you improve and meet your full potential.
Best wishes, and *insert comment less serious than 'best wishes'
Imelda |
Last edited by Imelda on Mon May 14, 2007 7:45 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Alteran
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| Posted: Sun May 13, 2007 8:17 am Post subject: |
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Imelda, I know that you're not saying what you're saying to be mean but some of your crit is a bit unnedded.
For one thing this is the fantasy forum, realism is not needed here. Your comments on grammar and word usage are good but your constant opinion on every tiny thing is a bit "over the top" as you said.
I'm not trying to yell at you but you need to be more considerate to other people and their creative process. You intruded a bit on Siegfried's creativity commenting on the Eyelashes and "Shouldn't he investigate?" If you're writing the story then by al means investigate. "I thought they had trailers" Trailers have rooms too, dear.
On YWS we usually tell the author what we thought was good, punctuation problems, word usage, and flow disruption(Awkward sentences.) Not how we think they should have written it.
Just be a little more considerate next time. |
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Imelda
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| Posted: Sun May 13, 2007 6:08 pm Post subject: |
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I apologise if any of it was unnecessary, but this is how I've always critiqued and I've never received any complaints in two years of doing it this way. I know I find critiques like this the most valuable because I get the reader's impressions and thoughts throughout. It doesn't mean that I have to take note of it if I disagree, but it makes me aware that it MIGHT be a problem and I look out for it in further critiques.
Siegfriend did also tell me he was happy to receive a harsh critique, so I don't see a problem. I will, however, be careful in future. Thanks for letting me know. |
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Insomnia
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| Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 12:42 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Sieg. I thought I'd start again and comment as I went through, so here I am.
They could really go places.” Chuckled
That doesn't need to be a new sentance.
Do you mean this night as I watched or when I preformed it?”
*performed
They were the only things I could find. So, it's really late, but good work all the same lol. I like how you start rounding out the characters early on, so the reader can care about them. Anyway, on to Part 2 now!
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dark_horizon93
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| Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 1:56 pm Post subject: Re: Chasing Rainbows Chapter 1 |
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| Siegfried wrote: |
The room reverberated with noise, lights shone from glittering lamps. Everyone fell silent as a man made his way into the ring.
The room reverberated with noise, lights shone from glittering lamps. Everyone fell silent as the ringleader made his way into the ring. was that meant to be a double post?
“Ladies and gentlemen... now the moment you’ve all been waiting for,” the man’s voice boomed, “the most popular act of the night, featuring the son and daughter of the world renowned acrobats, Antio and Melissa. The brother and sister duo of Alexzander and Tea, will perform their parents’ signature feat ‘Blind Luck’!”
The spectators broke out in a frenzy of riotous applause. Alexzander bowed several times and smiled, he knew that they all wanted him; it made him feel amazing, exhilarated a god among men. it seems kind of awkward He gave them what they had asked for and scarcely failed in any of his feats. His family was known all through the land, him especially. Before he leapt from his position of 'on' would be correct the tall wooden pillar, he took a look around the crowded arena, responding to the cheering by giving a final wave. It was the most daring thing he had ever done. He felt like at this point nothing could stop him.
His sister, Tea, stood on a smaller pillar grinning intently at him. She was a few years older than him. She had long blond hair, which she always kept loose, for she had told him many times she loved feeling of hair flying as she fell. It glistened in the blinding lights of the circus, making it appear heavenly golden. Her thick, eyelashes made her azure eyes stand out on her powdery white face. Her lips were decorated with crimson lipstick that shimmered gracefully on her fragile face. She wore silver bracelets up to her elbows so they would catch the light as she sailed through the air. All this was to make her appear more angelic than the other tumblers of the circus. Alexzander laughed because even when she wasn’t in her costume she still look liked an acrobatic angel.
Alexzander’s mum and dad called out encouraging words from the stands. He closed his eyes, grinning from ear to ear as he jumped from the platform; supported by a tall wooden column coloured red and blue. On the opposite side, was his sister on a shorter column. His sister's job was to catch him at the last minute. He was finally considered skilled enough to try this. He felt, not scared in the least as he felt the wind rushing through his whole body, then he felt his sisters grasp his hands and throw him on to platform she had been on. Tea continued she climbed on the trapeze then while the trapeze still moved she leapt backwards on to the higher column her beautiful long blond hair flying free, she landed on the taller column and sighed in relief, but now time for her the finale, she leapt off and caught the trapeze, then keeping hold of it with one hand she gave a shrill whistle and Alex leapt off backwards, still holding on one handed she swung the trapeze and caught him, then with almighty strength in her arms she threw him into the air and landed on the stool, she whistled again and he leapt back to his own column with eyes still closed, she swung few more times on trapeze then leapt on to her column . He opened his eyes as the crowd erupted into joyful applause. He turned round and saw Tea on his pillar smiling and blowing kisses to all her admirers. He winked at her and bowed, embracing the admiration. He took one last bow as the applause continued then began his decent down the ladder. Tea blew a few more kisses and followed him down.
Before his foot even touched the dirt floor, his mum swept him up in a tight embrace.
“Well done! Oh, well done! You were so amazing up there, your father and I --” Her voice faded and she stopped the embrace, Alexzander could hear no more under the ovation of the crowd. His tarry hair fell to his inquisitive green eyes. His tall stature made him stand out as he gazed at all those who seemed to worship him. He waved his lengthy arms at them before placing them on one of the pillars. Signs of a moustache were visible under his nose. His long fingers danced on the wooden pole, chipping some paint off. His mother let go of him just as his dad came towards them, grinning.
“Wow, both you and Tea performed the act perfectly!” hollered Alexzander’s father, “You amazed me tonight, both of you!"
Tea came up from behind, smiling, and walked over to Alexzander, pulling him away from their parents.
"I admit, Alexzander, I was scared and worried." Tea began clearly flustered but also excited "Weren’t you worried? Even though it felt amazing, I still worried," Tea asked as she looked into his sharp eyes.
“Tea, we are worshipped like gods; why should we fear? We were born under lucky stars.”
“Brother, even if we were lucky tonight, doesn’t mean that we will be lucky forever. Sometimes I worry that our luck will run out.”
“Never fear,” Alexzander said cockily, “People, like ourselves don’t burn out like fireworks; we are fiery stars.”
“It’s not me I’m worried about, it’s you! Just be careful,” Tea continued, genuine concern in her voice. “I’d rather you were a little careful than be shot into the dirt because you attempted to reach higher than you could.”
“When have I ever shot too high? You’ve nothing to fear. I’ll be careful,” Alexzander said calmly, holding back laughter of disbelief. Why was his sister worried about him falling when he was the indefinite shooting star?
Before Tea walked away she added, “Don’t shoot too high my brother! Eventually shooting stars burn out.”
“I’ll be fine!”
Tea looked back, opening her mouth slightly as if she were going to add something, but then turned her face and continued to walk. Both of them headed back to their trailers to rest.
After all the guests had left and the older staff began to sweep up the messes left behind, the owner of the circus strode over to Alexzander’s parents.
“Well done my Soaring Yeasa’s! Antio, Melissa, your children have amazing skill. They could really go places.” Chuckled the man in the dazzling red costume. In his hand he held a whip and his sleek, black top hat.
Antio took a step closer, saying, "No, no. We are family, we shall stay a family and always be a family!” Melissa nodded in agreement.
“But Antio your children can really go far! They could leave and earn more money elsewhere!” added the ring master who bobbed his head in agreement to his own statement.
“No you don’t get it, we are family and will stay family!” Antio stomped his foot to prove his point holding Melissa close.
“Very well, but remember, I started you off and could very well end your career," he sneered, "or should I say ‘family business’ like this--” With that he took the whip in his hand and cracked it on the ground, laughing at his clever example. Antio made a fist but his wife quickly grabbed his arm, preventing him from striking the man’s nose. The man stopped laughing when he saw Antio’s fist and, waving his finger to and fro, said, “Now, now, now, Antio you should try to control your temper or you will regret it!” The ring master strolled off, chuckling as tears rolled down his hollow face.
Melissa and Antio decided it was time to head back to their trailers. Antio thought about how his two children had both managed ‘Blind Luck’ and had shown their teamwork skills. It made him proud to be their father. The rain spattered down creating puddles in the turf. Antio and his wife hurried along, not wanting to get their performance costumes wet. In the distance, the sounds of circus music played in a new mournful tune. The circus had been his life for so long. Many kids dreamed of running away to the circus, but he felt he needed to settle down with his family. At dinner, he thought to himself as he and his wife darted to their room, I will ask them.
As the couple continued to splash in the puddles Antio swore he heard voices. He looked over his shoulder but saw nothing. He escorted his wife to her room before he pushed open his thick, wooden door. He suddenly felt uneasy; something was different but just couldn’t figure out what. He turned his head and realized the window was open. He locked it, knowing that it was shut before he left for the night. A knock interrupted the silence. “Who is it?”
“It’s Tea. I want to talk to you,” answered the feminine voice coming from out in the rain.
“Can’t this wait for dinner?”
“No sorry, it can’t.”
“Very well,” he replied unlocking the door.
She walked in, water dripping from her clothes creating a small puddle.
“Well, my daughter, what can’t wait for dinner?”
“Father, its Alexzander. It scares me how he never seemed afraid during ‘Blind Luck’. I have to ask, were you afraid father?”
“What do you mean by what? Do you mean this night as I watched or when I preformeddon't you mean performed? it?” queried the man.
“I mean when you first tried it with mother.”
“That was long ago, Tea, my flower. Nothing you need to worry about.”
“I know, but I’m not worried about that, per se, but your answer may help clear my worries of something else.”
“Well Tea, if it’s that important then you can know. I was terrified, all that prevented me from a fall to my death was your mother’s intervention. I trusted her, but I still worried, Tea.”
“My fears are confirmed …” she whispered, her eyes flickering with worry, before smiling at her father, “I must go now. Thank you Father. See you at dinner!”
Antio was left wondering who could have been in here. He remembered the talk with his boss. That man had an awful lot of power throughout this area, which worried but strengthened Antio; that man would not break up his family. He changed slowly, pulling his circus costume off until he was standing in his underwear in front of the mirror. Antio was very muscular and had a white wolf tattoo howling on his back. His hair was black like ink, except in one spot where he was balding. His eyes were dark, sparkling water drops. He had short fluffy bread reaching to his neck. His features were finely chiseled. Many of his admirers loved him but they were slowly shifting towards his handsome son. Antio started to slip on his formal clothes, a pair of polished black shoes, some well-worn black trousers and his dinner jacket, almost mechanically.
He took one last look at this room; it had been his home ever since he had been taken in by the ring master. The room was nothing amazing, but to him it was home. A long narrow bed, a few knick-knacks he had collected were scattered around the room along with posters advertising and praising his performances and acts and his children’s’ shows were arranged on the walls next to his, starting with Tea as a young girl. A wardrobe was propped against the other wall and had housed all the costumes he’d ever had. The whole boarding room seemed quaint and happy, but to Antio it was a room full of lost memories. Antio pushed the door open and headed out to meet his family for dinner, smiling.
It had stopped raining.
*******************************
Alexzander was lying on his mattress, contemplating. Tea sure had struck his nerve. Why should he of been afraid? He’d practiced thousands of times before every time as graceful and well done as the last. He sighed, ruffling his hands through his hair in frustration. Why had her words affected him so much? Alexzander sighed. He had no time to think about these frivolous things. He hadn’t died doing the stunt and wasn’t planning on doing so. He couldn’t. His sister was just jealous at I really think it should be of his talent. He smirked at the ingenuity of it. Well, if my dearest sister Tea is jealous, he thought to himself, then it’s time to raise the stakes even higher!
***********************************
The circus master grinned. He posed in front of his mirror, speaking to himself in a businesslike manner, holding blank applications in his hands, “It’s not easy to find fresh talent! For god sake they have so much potential! Alexzander and Tea, oh, how they rake in the customers. But that father of theirs, ooh, so stubborn. My, my, that could lead to some problems, don’t you agree?”
He held his hand out to his reflection before he sat down. He leaned back in his chair, running his bony fingers through his short russet hair. His Persian green eyes were calm, but sadistic. The crimson ringleader uniform was now creased, ruffled, and looking less magnificent than it was in the main tent. He grinned maliciously, “Maybe…” he pondered, “just maybe the father needs some good old fashioned persuasion.”
He laughed sinisterly. “When I’m finished with that snooty Antio his family would need a new manager that would be able to… walk!” He chortled, amused, adding the finishing touches onto his thoughts, knowing that nobody could accuse him of not having high ambitions.
**********************************
The chairs scuffled as the family entered. Laid on the table was no banquet, just pittance, compared to what their boss had. Some old candle sticks made up the center piece. Antio and Melissa’s wedding present-- a magnificent canteen of pure silver cutlery lay organized on the delicate lace tablecloth. In front of them there was a leg of well-roasted pork, some potatoes garnished with fresh butter, and some freshly baked aromatic garlic bread.
Melissa handed out the plates to everyone. Antio grabbed a jug and started pouring red wine into antique crystal glass for himself and his wife. Tea and Alexzander then helped themselves to milk. Alexzander begun to pour his milk into one of the glasses when Tea interrupted, making him spill some onto the table, he growled.
“Alex. Listen and understand; it’s not wrong to show fear!”
Alexzander slammed the jug down and hollered, “Tea you’re a weakling and always will be one! You’re just jealous and if that’s how you feel then let’s see who is best!”
Tea stood up, knocking the chair backwards. She was stunned at her brother’s angry reaction but she stood her ground, “Alex it’s not a competition! You don’t need to prove whose best. We’re both skilled so let’s not argue.”
Alexzander sneered, indignantly adding, “You’re such a wet blanket. It’s amazing you are even doing stunts with someone as talented as moi.”
Tea lip quivered slightly and her eyes well up with stinging tears. She then spoke taking a deep breath after each sentence, “I don’t want to fight. I want us to remain friends. I’m just concerned for you.”
Alexzander saw his parents frowning at him, hoping he wouldn’t speak, but impulsively he rolled his eyes and said. “Friend? I wouldn’t even count you as an enemy -- someone as pathetic as you.”
Tea shrieked through her tears, “Alexzander, your arrogance has cost you your sister and friend! I just hope it just doesn’t cost you your life.” She ran out door wailing loudly. Alexzander took one look at his Dad and saw he was angry, then he turned to his mum seeing disappointment in her face.
Alexzander knitted his eyebrows and yelled, “What?”
His mum looked at him and replied “Alexzander, we don’t mind if you were afraid. It’s completely normal.”
“Why can’t my family just get it? I wasn’t afraid!”
Melissa looked down onto the floor and Antio with blind fury in his eyes pointed towards the entrance.
Alexzander stormed out. |
Well there you go. My sleepy eyes can't detect others anymore so yeahh...
-Farah |
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AyumiGosu17
Morals are good.
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| Posted: Thu May 24, 2007 3:31 pm Post subject: |
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Very nicely written! I can't wait to read the rest!
Other than a few minor mistakes, I saw nothing wrong with it. You're an excellent writer!
AG |
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Jules the jester
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| Posted: Thu May 24, 2007 4:00 pm Post subject: |
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Well done. As i just told you in eth Chatroom i cant really say much everyone else has done so before me 
SO I WILL JUST CLAP ESTAICALLY. |
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Suzanne
waking from Eternal sleep
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| Posted: Sun May 27, 2007 9:59 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
| for she had told him many times she loved feeling of hair flying as she fell. |
the feeling of.
| Quote: |
| It glistened in the blinding lights of the circus, making it appear heavenly golden. Her thick, eyelashes made her azure eyes stand out on her powdery white face. |
First of all "heavenly golden" sounds wrong and is wrong. "golden" is an adjective, and then you add "heavenly" to that. Describing an adjective? If anything change it to "Heavenly gold" or cut the heavenly (fluff just doesn't come off good, it's better to have less adjectives than too many) and say golden. No comma after "Thick"
I really don't like that you stop and do a lot of 'background' telling in the paragraph about Alex (I'm going to call Alexzander alex for short) and then in the paragraph and Tea you go on and on and on about her looks, but yet we got nothing on Alex's looks. Seemed unbalanced.
| Quote: |
| supported by tall wooden column coloured red and blue. On the opposite side was his sister on a shorter column. |
Supported by a tall wooden... And that second sentence? You already said that.
| Quote: |
| He felt, not scared in the least |
the comma, and the sentence here, makes no sense. Just say "He didn't feel".
Sorry, but I'm going to stop reading for the simply fact that you are missing minor important words (usually articles like the/a/an) and your commas are totally...out of wack. Here is a very good example of a reason why you should work on your grammar:
| Quote: |
| Tea continued she climbed on the trapeze then while the trapeze still moved she leapt backwards on to the higher column her beautiful long blond hair flying free, she landed on the taller column and sighed in relief, but now time for her the finale, she leapt off and caught the trapeze, then keeping hold of it with one hand she gave a shrill whistle and Alex leapt off backwards, still holding on one handed she swung the trapeze and caught him, then with almighty strength in her arms she threw him into the air and landed on the stool, she whistled again and he leapt back to his own column with eyes still closed, she swung few more times on trapeze then leapt on to her column . |
That is one whole sentence. Read through it, there are certain sections where you are missing minor (but important) words, and where you should have commas. Not to mention...why on earth is that one whole sentence?
Sorry, I just can't concentrate and nor do I have the will power to do a whole lot of line-by-line editing right now. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 11:57 pm Post subject: Re: Chasing Rainbows Chapter 1 |
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Hehehe, you're much improved than you were when I last critiqued you. In fact, I was kind of stunned by the improvement... you wouldn't think that much improvement in that short a time was even possible. O_o
With that said, this critique might be a little tough, but it's tough because I hope you can improve even further. Heck, you soon might be the finest fiction writer in YWS with the way you've been moving.
So here it is. Enjoy?
| Siegfried wrote: |
| The room reverberated with noise, lights shone from glittering lamps. |
The rule of three dictates that it is better to describe three things than just two. At the moment, you have two things. Find something else to add as far as description goes.
| Quote: |
| Everyone fell silent as the ringleader made his way into the ring. |
Maybe too many rings?
| Quote: |
| “Ladies and gentlemen... now the moment you’ve all been waiting for,” the man’s voice boomed, “the most popular act of the night featuring son and daughter of the world renowned acrobats Antio and Melissa. The brother and sister duo of Alexzander and Tea, will perform their parents’ signature feat ‘Blind Luck’!” |
Grammatically correct, it would be:
“Ladies and gentlemen -- now the moment you’ve all been waiting for!” the man’s voice boomed. “The most popular act of the night featuring son and daughter of the world renowned acrobats Antio and Melissa. The brother and sister duo of Alexzander and Tea, will perform their parents’ signature feat ‘Blind Luck!’”
| Quote: |
| The spectators broke out in a frenzy of riotous applause. |
I don't think the adjective "riotous" is needed.
| Quote: |
| Alexzander bowed several times and smiled, he knew that they all wanted him; it made him feel amazing, exhilarated a god among men. |
You have a run on sentence here. It should probably be:
Alexzander bowed several times and smiled. He knew that they all wanted him; it made him feel amazing, exhilerated, like a god among men.
| Quote: |
| He gave them what they asked for and scarcely failed in any of his feats. His family was known all through the land, him especially. |
The last sentence is not needed. The other sentence needs to be refined so it's more of a transition sentence and less of a filler.
| Quote: |
| Before he leapt from his position of the tall wooden pillar, he took a look around the crowded arena, responding to the cheering by giving a final wave. |
The words "position of" weaken the sentence. Get rid of it. Also, you might want to describe us what exactly he's doing so that we can envision it in our minds.
| Quote: |
| It was the most daring thing he had ever done. He felt like at this point nothing could stop him. |
...I don't think you need this. It tells us his emotions, but I would rather, at this point, know what he's doing.
| Quote: |
| His sister, Tea, stood on a smaller pillar grinning intently at him. |
I like this description because it shows us that his sister is grinning at him and sh's on a smaller pillar, which hints as to what she's doing.
| Quote: |
| She was a few years older than him. She had long blond hair, which she always kept loose, for she had told him many times she loved feeling of hair flying as she fell. It glistened in the blinding lights of the circus, making it appear heavenly golden. Her thick, eyelashes made her azure eyes stand out on her powdery white face. Her lips were decorated with crimson lipstick that shimmered gracefully on her fragile face. She wore silver bracelets up to her elbows so they would catch the light as she sailed through the air. All this was to make her appear more angelic than the other tumblers of the circus. Alexzander laughed because even when she wasn’t in her costume she still look liked an acrobatic angel. |
...this description is slightly unnerving because it's very incestuous. I mean, do brothers usually think this way of their older sisters? I think not. She might be very pretty in your mind's eyes, but remember, unless he's romantically involved with her, he probably would not be thinking this. And face it -- it's kind of creepy.
With this said, maybe he would be thinking of other things as if her position on the platform, whether she looks ready for him or not, or something of that nature which shows his business.
| Quote: |
| Alexzander’s mum and dad called out encouraging words from the stands. |
...maybe I've been to different circuses, but we usually cheer after they accomplish the feat?
| Quote: |
| He closed his eyes, grinning from ear to ear as he jumped from the platform supported by tall wooden column coloured red and blue. On the opposite side was his sister on a shorter column. His sister's job was to catch him at the last minute. He was finally considered skilled enough to try this. He felt, not scared in the least as he felt the wind rushing through his whole body, then he felt his sisters grasp his hands and throw him on to platform she had been on. Tea continued. She climbed on the trapeze, then while the trapeze still moved, she leapt backwards on to the higher column, her beautiful long blond hair flying free. She landed on the taller column and sighed in relief. But now it was time for her the finale. She leapt off and caught the trapeze, then keeping hold of it with one hand she gave a shrill whistle and Alex leapt off backwards. Still holding on one handed she swung the trapeze and caught him. With almighty strength in her arms she threw him into the air and landed on the stool. She whistled again and he leapt back to his own column with his eyes still closed. She swung few more times on trapeze then leapt back on to her column. He opened his eyes as the crowd erupted into joyful applause. He turned round and saw Tea on his pillar smiling and blowing kisses to all her admirers. He winked at her and bowed, embracing the admiration. He took one last bow as the applause continued then began his decent down the ladder. Tea blew a few more kisses and followed him down. |
So NOW you describe it all. Unfortunately, while you could have described it before in short bursts, this comes out as an info dump. Spread out your descriptions for a better effect. Also, remember, adding character in between scenes is good. And no, no just, "He felt exhilerated." That's called telling. You want to show us what's going on, which means you have to describe more precisely what is going on.
| Quote: |
| Before his foot even touched the dirt floor, his mum swept him up in a tight embrace. |
...why...? Couldn't she do this once he got offstage?
| Quote: |
| “Well done! Oh, well done! You were so amazing up there, your father and I --” Her voice faded and she stopped the embrace, Alexzander could hear no more under the ovation of the crowd. His tarry hair fell to his sure - but calculating green eyes. His tall stature made him stand out as he gazed at all those who seemed to worship him. He waved his lengthy arms at them before placing them on one of the pillars. Signs of a moustache were visible under his nose. His long fingers danced on the wooden pole, chipping some paint off. Hs dad came towards them, grinning. |
You're using too many adjectives to describe him.
| Quote: |
| “Wow, both you and Tea performed the act perfectly!” hollered Alexzander’s father, “You amazed me tonight, both of you!" |
A period should be after "father."
| Quote: |
| Tea came up from behind, smiling, and walked over to Alexzander, pulling him away from their parents. |
Too many weird verbs in one sentence. I would write it as such:
Tea came up from behind, smiling, and walked over to Alexzander. Before he could say anything, she pulled him away from their parents.
| Quote: |
"I admit, Alexzander, I was scared and worried." Tea began clearly flustered but also excited "Weren’t you worried? Even though it felt amazing, I still worried," Tea asked as she looked into his sharp eyes.
“Tea, we are worshipped like gods; why should we fear? We were born under lucky stars.” |
Hahaha... maybe there IS incest? 
| Quote: |
| “Brother, even if we were lucky tonight, doesn’t mean we will be lucky forever. Sometimes I worry that our luck will run out.” |
Um... what sister in her right mind would call him, "brother?" Also, I would think that if ANYTHING, she should be more confident than him because she is the oldest.
| Quote: |
| “Never fear,” Alexzander said cockily, “People, like ourselves don’t burn out like fireworks; we are fiery stars.” |
Instead of "said cockily" I think it would be better if you said, "laughed."
| Quote: |
| “It’s not me I’m worried about, it’s you! Just be careful,” Tea continued, genuine concern in her voice. “I’d rather you were a little careful than be shot into the dirt because you attempted to reach higher than you could.” |
Get rid of "genuine concern in her voice." You already imply that.
| Quote: |
“When have I ever shot too high? You’ve nothing to fear. I’ll be careful,” Alexzander said calmly, holding back laughter of disbelief. Why was his sister worried about him falling when he was the indefinite shooting star?
Before Tea walked away she added, “Don’t shoot too high my brother! Eventually shooting stars burn out.” |
...I don't think I've ever heard dialogue like this before. O_o
| Quote: |
“I’ll be fine!”
Tea looked back, opening her mouth slightly as if she were going to add something, but then turned her face and continued to walk. Both of them headed back to their trailers to rest. |
But what does he THINK about this exchange??? Unless he doesn't think at all...
| Quote: |
After all the guests had left and the older staff began to sweep up the messes left behind, the owner of the circus strode over to Alexzander’s parents.
“Well done my Soaring Yeasa’s! Antio, Melissa, your children have amazing skill. They could really go places.” Chuckled the man in the dazzling red costume. In his hand he held a whip and his sleek, black top hat. |
Get rid of "Chucled the man in the dazzling red costume." That's not even a complete sentence.
| Quote: |
| Antio took a step closer, saying, "No, no. We are family, we shall stay a family and always be a family!” Melissa nodded in agreement. |
He didn't say anything anything about them being separated. So either Antio has a hearing problem, or you're trying to artificially create a problem. Either change the owner's dialogue or change Antio's reaction.
| Quote: |
| “But Antio your children can really go far! They could leave and earn more money elsewhere!” added the ring master who bobbed his head in agreement to his own statement. |
Okay. This is making less sense. Why would the owner sell his asset and just give it up so freely? It doesn't make | |
