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Swottielottie
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 Posted: Thu May 10, 2007 5:58 pm Post subject: My first Sonnet - A painted beauty |
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Upon a field of scarlet rose, she lay.
Fixed and frozen, imprisoned in the dark.
Bound by the brown oak frame, forever to stay.
Pure unblemished skin, left without a mark.
Chocolate coiled hair drapes across ashen skin
Midnight blue eyes twinkle in the twilight
Lonely, a painting trapped and caught within
A saviour passes by. To save her from plight?
Gazes into waxen eyes, falls in love, deep
Two straying eyes, a link with them, but he,
strikes his chest, makes his vow; a promise to keep.
Stay by lover's side, for eternity.
That frame of scarlet rose holds not but one;
Tortured souls now together. It is done. |
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Last edited by Swottielottie on Sat Sep 27, 2008 11:56 am; edited 4 times in total |
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Jules the jester
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| Posted: Fri May 11, 2007 6:20 pm Post subject: |
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Have you read Sonnet 130 by Shakespeare??
I liked this. I aint much of a poetry boff so i dont really know what to point out and stuff but i enjoyed it.
Hopefully my comment will make you happy.  |
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Swottielottie
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| Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 8:58 am Post subject: |
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Thank you Jules! You comment did make me happy! I don't usuallly write love poems but I wanted to try a sonnet.
Thanks
Charlotte
Very funny signature! |
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biancarayne
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| Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 4:24 pm Post subject: |
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| I don't know much about sonnets, but you've written a very beautiful, wonderfully descriptive one. The only thing I saw was that some of the commas seemed unnecessary to me. Otherwise, this was definitely good! |
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Swottielottie
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| Posted: Sat May 12, 2007 4:26 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you! I replied to your welcome post in the welcome forum!
Glad to see your getting used to yws already!
Charlotte |
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kawaii_kitti
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 9:28 pm Post subject: |
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Wow beautiful.
It paints a beautifuk Image.
and I am not good with poems. |
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Swottielottie
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 10:30 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks, but this was rubbish and or some thing we had to do at school that my teacher never marked. |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 2:50 pm Post subject: |
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Hello there!
This was a beautiful sonnet. It was very vivid and pretty. Yeah I don't know much about Sonnet's but I do like Shakeaspeare and this is almost like him but there seems to be a lot of originality in this. I love your avi by the way, tis a great movie that was. Siggy's great too.
Cheers,
-Angel |
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Swottielottie
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 2:59 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you 
Shakespeare is truly great!
Sweeney Todd was awesome!
YAY! Someone who likes both those things and my work! XD |
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CrisCaraway
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:02 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Swottielottie,(like the name)
I really, really liked your poem. It was very descriptive and reminded me of my favorite book Twilight.
I don't know why it did but there was something about the words, they were really effective. I had a clear picture of what was going on in my head as I read it.
Well done and keep writing.
C.C |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:16 pm Post subject: |
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Hello! I don't think I've ever critiqued much of your work before.
I have to tell you that this sonnet was incredibly hard to read, due to the commas. You, put, them in, very wei,rd places, and it, didn't, make much, sense at all. Commas are lifesavers. But only if you know how to use them properly.
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Upon a field of scarlet rose, she lay.
Fixed and frozen, imprisoned in the dark.
Bound by the brown oak frame, forever to stay.
Pure unblemished skin, left without a mark.
Chocolate, [you don't need this comma] colied hair, [you don't need this comma] drapes across ashen skin
Midnight blue eyes twinkle in the twilight
Lonely, a painting trapped and caught within
A saviour passes by, to save her from plight?
Gazes into waxen eyes, falls in love, deep
Two eyes, they stray, a link with them, but he, [you don't need a comma here]
strikes his chest, makes his vow, [you don't need a comma here. Probably a semicolon.] a promise to keep.
Stay by lovers [should be lover's not lovers] side, [no comma here] for eternity.
The frame of scarlet rose, [no comma here] holds not but one;
Gentle souls now together, [no comma here. Put a period] it is done. |
I would alter this a little bit, because by itself it makes no sense whatsoever. You have two complete phrases right here, so you have to seperate them, but not with the comma, because you go Kung Fu with them. How about this? "A saviour passes by. To save her from plight?" Even that's not perfect, but it's a little easier to understand what's going on.
You need to work on this this line a little more. "Gazes into waxen eyes, falls in love, deep" makes no sense, and breaks about a million and fourty three grammar rules. I think "falls in love, deep" is what ruins this line. It should be, "falls in love, deeply" but in order to make that sentence understandable, it would have to read "falls deeply in love". But that breaks your rhyming pattern. So I don't know what you want to do there, but some reworking must be done.
"Two eyes, they stray"? Wow. You make that so complicated, when it can just read "Two straying eyes" and everything flows a little better than before.
I think your lines are too long. I read this outloud, and the rhymes were lost because there were too many words. Read this outloud.
| Quote: |
Upon a field of scarlet rose, she lay.
Fixed and frozen, imprisoned in the dark.
Bound by the brown oak frame, forever to stay.
Pure unblemished skin, left without a mark. |
We, the readers, notice right off that this is supposed to be a rhyming poem. But we can't feel the rhyme, like we are supposed to. It's too far apart. Words all mesh together. Rhyming poems rely heavily on beats, or pulses, as we read. This has a very strange pulse, or none at all. The problem that I'm getting here is we can't hear the rhyme, because the lines are too long.
OVERALL:
It was a pretty good attempt. Not my favorite poem ever, but it was pretty good. Your rhyming is being forced, which means you rely on the rhymes, when in fact you should be more worried about the actual poem itself.
Good job, and good luck editing.
-Jared |
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Swottielottie
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:25 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for critting! I think I wrote this over a year ago, when I was young and immature (I still am!) It was for this homework, so I wasn't too bothered about it. Thanks a million and If I get time I'll fix the comma and stuff! XD |
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BlondeTwiggy
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 3:18 am Post subject: |
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| Oh, I love this. I think sonnets must be hard to write, at least for me, but yours is very descriptive. I think there is a spelling error (colied? Coiled, I think), as well as a missing apostrophe in line 12. Eh, that's all I can find. I loved the metaphor of a painting. Very beautiful and tragic, good job. :] |
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