Topic ID: 1645
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Sophie
Smokey
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 Posted: Wed Mar 02, 2005 6:49 pm Post subject: Why Can't We? |
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Why can’t we spend sentimental summers,
Surfing and smiling and enjoying life?
Lying in the sand, the sea running through our fingers,
And the strum, strum, strumming of your guitar.
My heart beats like the drum in your band.
And it would be faster if we could only be more,
Than just great friends.
But its like we’re playing poker, and I don’t know how to play.
And everybody’s cheating, but I don’t know what to say.
And I look at my cards, but I don’t know…
Who makes the first move? |
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Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
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| Posted: Fri Mar 04, 2005 2:30 am Post subject: |
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| This seems a little short. I think you've got some nice images, but it could be better if you took some more time to explain exactly what you're saying... |
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Firestarter
not actually a site admin
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| Posted: Fri Mar 04, 2005 4:13 pm Post subject: |
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| Cliche, on the short line in the middle should be changed. Too simple and not subtle enough. Some nice images but need to be expanded upon. |
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Writersdomain
Oh, YAY!
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| Posted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 2:15 am Post subject: |
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I didn't really think it was that great, but it could be with some work.
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Why can’t we spend sentimental summers,
Surfing and smiling and enjoying life? |
Ok, I liked that. That was really neat and really caught your attention on the first line. A very good trait
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Lying in the sand, the sea running through our fingers,
And the strum, strum, strumming of your guitar.
My heart beats like the drum in your band.
And it would be faster if we could only be more,
Than just great friends. |
I liked the first line, but the rest was a little strange. The comparison to the strumming of a guitar really didn't touch me or make sense.
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But its like we’re playing poker, and I don’t know how to play.
And everybody’s cheating, but I don’t know what to say.
And I look at my cards, but I don’t know…
Who makes the first move? |
The first two lines were interesting and caught your attention especially with that little rhyme, but the ending was definitely not as powerful as it could have been. I think this could be good, but it really didn't move me. |
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Lollipop
The shizney!
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| Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 4:07 pm Post subject: |
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I thought this was a good poem but didn't really capture my attention. What am I saying, my poems are crap!  |
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Emma
the wee dafty
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| Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 4:14 pm Post subject: |
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lol
Its good but of course, it didn't catch my eye. If you worked one it, making it stand out more I bet it would be alot better.
AND LOLLIPOP STOP PUTTING YOUR SELF DOWN! Thank you. |
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Lollipop
The shizney!
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| Posted: Wed Mar 16, 2005 4:27 pm Post subject: |
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| But I am crap at poems Emma, wait till you see my artwork .MWAHAHAHAHA! |
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