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Alanna
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 Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 4:55 pm Post subject: Star Wars in poetry |
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Brothers fighting brothers, dreams crashing down.
A frown upon many a noble brow. A battle rages and an empire emerges.
Battles rage, dreams fade.
Life goes out.
Life comes in.
Neither side seems to win.
Then when all seems lost a spark flares into being.
A being who sparks a win a cause many to the Rebellion.
The Empire still rules,
Causing endless strife to those who are fighting for life.
Then he comes causing reform.
Now the Empire is on the run,
For the rebellion has won.
All hail the rebel scum. |
Last edited by Alanna on Sun Jan 07, 2007 11:08 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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piepiemann22
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| Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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| I like it because it's about Star Wars, but it's not in poetry format |
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Alanna
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| Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 5:01 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks. |
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vamplord12
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| Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 10:06 pm Post subject: |
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star wars is the best thing in the world!!!!!!!
the force is like duct tape,
it has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the world together. |
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Sureal
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| Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 10:30 pm Post subject: |
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This isn't really formatted like a poem. Rather, it's prose.
Something more like:
Brothers fighting brothers, dreams crashing down,
A frown upon many a noble brow,
A battle rages an empire emerges.
Battles rage, dreams fade. Life goes out,
Life comes in. Neither side seems to win.
Then when all seems lost,
A spark flares into being.
A being who sparks a win,
An cause many to the rebellion.
The empire still rules, causing endless strife
To those who are fighting for life.
Then he comes causing reform.
The empire is on the run for the rebellion has won.
All hale the rebel scum.
Of course, it's up to you where you put the line breaks. I've placed it so there's some internal rhyming, but you may decide that you'd rather have the rhymes as couplets.
You also have a number of grammar problems in there (such as 'empire' instead of 'Empire') that you need to address. |
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Alanna
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| Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2006 12:54 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the ideas and comments. |
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Shafter
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| Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2006 3:39 am Post subject: Re: Star Wars in poetry |
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| Alanna wrote: |
Brothers fighting brothers,dreams crashing down. A frown upon many a noble brow. A battle rages an empire emerges.
Battles rage,dreams fade.Life goes out .Life comes in.Neither side seems to win. Then when all seems lost a spark flares into being.A being who sparks a win an cause many to the rebellion.
The empire still rules ,causing endless strife to those who are fighting for life. Then he comes causing reform.
The empire is on the run for the rebellion has won.All hale the rebel scum. |
Yes, yes, listen to Sureal!  I love the feel of this one, as usual, but if you break it up it'll read much better.
Please post the new version and I'll crit again. PM me when you do!
Cheers, Shafter
P.S. Oh yeah, the last "hale" is "hail." Just one of those typos.  |
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Alanna
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| Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2006 6:26 pm Post subject: |
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| Thank You!!!! |
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| Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2006 7:44 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow you seem to like Star Wars alot hehe, it's a very good poem- I'm not a StarWars expert so I couldn't give you feed back there, but i got the general idea- Nice one! |
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looby-lou
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| Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 8:22 pm Post subject: |
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I like it. I don't understand Star Wars at all, but this poem kind of makes me realize why my dad forced my to sit through them all! I also agree with sureal though, you need to break it up a bit more or it's quite difficult to read.
x frm lucy |
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| Posted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 12:40 am Post subject: |
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| Interesting, but it isn't a poem. Other than changing the format, I think that this is a good poem, although I think it could have been a little longer. |
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| Posted: Sun Jan 07, 2007 10:27 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, re-format it the way Surreal suggested and you'll have an interesting poem.
I believe this is the first poem I've read about Star Wars... |
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Alanna
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| Posted: Sat Jan 20, 2007 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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I did!!!!!
Lanna |
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stupidiot92
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| Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2007 2:03 am Post subject: |
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I liked it even though it really wasn't poetry form.
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Life goes out.
Life comes in. |
i think these can be on the same line. |
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Alanna
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| Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2007 9:36 pm Post subject: |
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| Got it and 92 u rule!! |
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