Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
I Believe In God
I Believe In God

by Raimunda in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on April 16, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


The Drive Home

Topic ID: 15187
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Geoff_23   View This User's Portfolio
Novice

5
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Dec 2006
Posts: 7
Reviews: 5
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Apr 16, 2007 5:57 am    Post subject: The Drive Home Reply with quote

Note: I haven't posted anything on here in a while.(4 months to be exact Crying or Very sad ) Here is my second paper I would like to share. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks Very Happy  

                                   -Geoff



As I stare at my faint, brittle reflection in the window of the passing world, I wonder when you’ll speak. Nothing escapes your lips other than your warm breath that becomes chilled as it seeps into the icy panes of the car. The radio is the only one conversing amongst us. Right now, the radio is singing Bob Dylan’s Man of Constant Sorrow. “He is no good”, I say to myself. His words crack with static and are out of key. Despite the horrible voice of the radio, you still tap you fingers in rhythm against your leather steering wheel.		

It begins to rain while we drive. I can’t help but have a cheap thrill as I watch the rain penetrate the windshield. Slowly, the droplets accumulate and vaguely crawl across the dashboard in a lava-like motion. The dust and dirt collected upon the dash envelopes into mud. Yet while all this happens, it is the only thing that keeps me awake on the drive home.



I wish it was my voice on the radio; defining poetry in harmony. That way, at least you’ll know I am in the car with you. That way, at least you’ll realize I am worth something more than you. That way, my song can lull you to sleep in the rising tide of the car. That way, my voice will be the last thing you hear from afar. 

And thus, we go…
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Cade   View This User's Portfolio
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
Master of the Forum

754
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 13 Dec 2006
Posts: 1962
Reviews: 754
Country: Where the wild things are.
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Apr 17, 2007 1:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oooh, a prose-poem?

I don't have much time for a proper crit here, but I want to say that I'd like to see this extended, perhaps, or at least go more in-depth. I'd like to know or at least get a sense of where the speaker is coming home from, what the relationship is with the driver, perhaps. I wanted to get a feel of what the importance was of the drive to the speaker.

There are also some big differences betweent the first paragraph (stanza?) and the second. The second is much more lyrical, much more poetic. I like both parts separately, but I felt that the transition was a little abrupt.

Colleen

_________________
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on April 16, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on April 16, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society