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This thread was created on April 16, 2007
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The Drive Home
Topic ID: 15187
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Geoff_23
Novice

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 28 Dec 2006 Posts: 7 Reviews: 5 Country: USA 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2007 5:57 am Post subject: The Drive Home |
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Note: I haven't posted anything on here in a while.(4 months to be exact ) Here is my second paper I would like to share. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks
-Geoff
As I stare at my faint, brittle reflection in the window of the passing world, I wonder when you’ll speak. Nothing escapes your lips other than your warm breath that becomes chilled as it seeps into the icy panes of the car. The radio is the only one conversing amongst us. Right now, the radio is singing Bob Dylan’s Man of Constant Sorrow. “He is no good”, I say to myself. His words crack with static and are out of key. Despite the horrible voice of the radio, you still tap you fingers in rhythm against your leather steering wheel.
It begins to rain while we drive. I can’t help but have a cheap thrill as I watch the rain penetrate the windshield. Slowly, the droplets accumulate and vaguely crawl across the dashboard in a lava-like motion. The dust and dirt collected upon the dash envelopes into mud. Yet while all this happens, it is the only thing that keeps me awake on the drive home.
I wish it was my voice on the radio; defining poetry in harmony. That way, at least you’ll know I am in the car with you. That way, at least you’ll realize I am worth something more than you. That way, my song can lull you to sleep in the rising tide of the car. That way, my voice will be the last thing you hear from afar.
And thus, we go… |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 13 Dec 2006 Posts: 1962 Reviews: 754 Country: Where the wild things are. 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2007 1:19 am Post subject: |
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Oooh, a prose-poem?
I don't have much time for a proper crit here, but I want to say that I'd like to see this extended, perhaps, or at least go more in-depth. I'd like to know or at least get a sense of where the speaker is coming home from, what the relationship is with the driver, perhaps. I wanted to get a feel of what the importance was of the drive to the speaker.
There are also some big differences betweent the first paragraph (stanza?) and the second. The second is much more lyrical, much more poetic. I like both parts separately, but I felt that the transition was a little abrupt.
Colleen |
_________________ "My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..." |
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| This thread was created on April 16, 2007 |
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Bartemius says, All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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