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niteowl
Bring Me the Epidermal Tissue Destructor!
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 Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 3:20 am Post subject: Untitled |
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Wrote this the other night, had a sudden insane urge to post it tonight. Hope you like it! (Or if you don't, that you at least explain why.)
You promised that when
The monsters came,
You'd be my sword and shield.
You swore they'd never hurt me.
They swooped upon me,
Threatening all I held dear.
As they pinned me down,
I called your name.
A hooded figure
Rushed to my side
And revealed his face.
It was yours.
You said the word
And my loved ones fell
To their deaths.
I tried to intervene
And made their fates much worse.
Your laughter stung most of all.
In a way, you kept your word
For the monsters set me free.
My skin bore no scars,
Just the salty rivers
On my cheeks.
Ten years have passed
Since that awful night.
The shrieks and laughter
Still give me nightmares.
They've only grown louder
With time.
I have returned.
Where once there stood a child,
Now stands a warrior.
False promises won't save you now,
For my sword's much sharper
Than your tongue. |
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Boni_Bee
An old fashioned girl
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| Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 4:42 am Post subject: |
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wow!!!! Good job!!! At first I thought there was going to be the Prince Charming rescue thing, but no, it turned around!!!  
Very good |
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miyaviloves
Love me less but love me a long time.
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| Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2007 7:33 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, that was really good, originial, i was looking through your portfolio and this is the first thing i read its amazing and flows brilliantly. Well done, you deserve a lot of credit for this!
Meevs
x |
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Alainna
Let's get these two hearts beating faster, faster
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| Posted: Sun Apr 15, 2007 8:37 pm Post subject: |
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This was a very good piece, I loved the fact that it had a twist and didn't go down the typical soppy way that some poems do.
The only thing is that it didn't flow as well as it possibly could. Maybe if you had the same amount of lines or syllables in each stanza it would work better?
Great work,
Alainna
xxxxxxx |
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Mad
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| Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2007 12:09 am Post subject: |
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It's a very nice piece, the description is great and really helps to convey the meaning that you are trying to get across.
| Quote: |
A hooded figure
Rushed to my side
And revealed his face.
It was yours. |
This second stanza kind of disrupted the flow. I'm not sure if that was intentional - it does still work well here, the disrupted flow draws more attention to him coming.
| Quote: |
My skin bore no scars,
Just the salty rivers
On my cheeks. |
This was one of the best parts of the poem - the description is very strong and meaningful.
The final stanza was an effective ending. |
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