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Heartsick - Chapter One
Heartsick - Chapter One

by springrain2693 in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on April 12, 2007
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See you soon.

Topic ID: 15058
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sezPez   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 12, 2007 5:26 am    Post subject: See you soon. Reply with quote

Run through once, look through twice,

Keep both your eyes policing.

Take your hands into a cloud, 

make them look like their missing.

Wrap your shame in its mask, its glasses,

Don't be slow as molasses.

Put your glory together, pride and joy,

Your condemner.

Envy its simple task, delivering a package,

While your conscience rips along its message:

Stop. Please.

You take metallic death, holding conversation:

Click. Click.

A clip is filled, and all is still.

A sigh.

Your ready.



The clouds were grieving for you

For what you were about to do.

In the darkness of their tears, 

You prowled along, swallowing fears.

Thuds on the ground, one by one,

Falling on you, all around.

Gripping you, the ropes of a shining light.

Believe me, oh believe me!

In half they tore as you thunder ashore.

Destination.



The door gave no mind, and in you blasted.

Silence gave way, no longer it lasted.

Jump through the stairs, quick.

No obstacles. One goal.

He sees you at the foot.

Eyes bewildered as a new darkness stares him,

A round darkness. Glinting with shine.

One last click, one last ride, my friend.

A race to the window - your finger, him.

Slow and steady wins the race,

But the fastest is always the last ace...



See you in heaven.

I'll be there soon.
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Mad   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 15, 2007 10:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think that it is all very nicely described, and that creates a strong mood for your poem, while also making it very easy to visualise.

I think one thing that you do need to work on, is your rhythm, at times it seems a bit stunted - appropriately so at times, but inappropriately so at other times.

Quote:
Slow and steady wins the race,
But the fastest is always the last ace...


The rhyme works well it really at adds to the lines and I think that you chose the best place to encorporate this rhyme.

Overall, nice poem, I look forward to more.

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Sing we for joy and idleness,
Naught else is worth the having. -- Ezra Pound

PM if you're in need of a review.
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This thread was created on April 12, 2007

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