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Bottle Caps Chapter 2
Bottle Caps Chapter 2

by The.Dreamwalker in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on April 6, 2007
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Chasing Rainbows Chapter 6

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Vernon   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 4:25 pm    Post subject: Chasing Rainbows Chapter 6 Reply with quote

Chapter 6

Time passed Tea had rounded another corner getting frantic. The walls looked the same the corridors looked the same, nothing was diverse all the corridors were the same, she needed a blinking map, then again what use was one without certain differences to help her find the way? This was a house she was sure, but it felt more like a Labyrinth. She had no idea how long she panicked, but she needed to see something different something unlike these drab pale green walls surrounding her. They were like sentinels never going always surrounding her the windows had vanished. What had the architect been thinking when he designed this place? Had the person been sane? Had they driven themselves mad building it? She wandered lost feeling very scared. She swung round to see a black suited gentleman. He sniffed in contempt and preformed a sweeping bow, then spoke.

“Miss you’re required to go downstairs and eat dinner… Then wait for your husband.”

Tea shivered, he was stiff upper-lipped man with sunken cheeks and graying hair with a large bald patch. His expression showed nothing but contempt for her. As far as he was concerned, he had more power than she would ever have. His eyes were deep, deep brown eyes showing permanent annoyance. His body was tall and gangly with knarly tree like limbs. He coughed with annoyance and smiled a saccharine smile then continued.

“Follow me, miss!”

Tea followed hating this man, but hating the silent walls more.

******************************************/+

“Well men we’re all here for a purpose…”

A loud deliberate cough spoke out.

“Oh, and Lady Greven.” He added hint of distaste clear in his voice.

“As I was saying we’re all here because we don’t want this war to end, we’re gaining too much and don’t want to lose this in flow of profit.”

Choruses of yes’s, echoed round room.

“We are lucky of course for our country leader and his great stubbornness. But we’re not only after money we’re also after slave labour.”

Then a voice rung out, “Men we’re in jeopardy”

The man who had been speaking raised his eyebrows. He was tall with thick-rimmed glasses. A shoulder length auburn-grey hair and a short grey beard. The eyes were dark brown looking almost black. He wore a green jacket with a navy blue tie. In his hand was long wooden cane with a golden knob to hold it. “Jared do tell, how influential people such as us could be in the least bit danger.”

Everyone laughed at the speaker the madness of this statement.

Jared stood up wanting not to be humiliated, “No my friends I don’t lie.”

The speaker dismissed any more statements from Jared. “How goes the slave trade Sephen?

A man with oval frame glasses, a mat of auburn hair, and piercing navy blue eyes stood up. “The slave traders have told me that their latest haul of slaves was best of this year.”

The woman who had coughed before smiled greedily, “Brilliant… I’ve been needing some new menservants for a while,” She replied with a sweet silky voice.

Then the speaker turned to Jared and inquired, “So… why did you burn down the circus!?”

Jared begun to sweat profusely feeling uneasy “I know it was one of main ways of gaining legal profit…”

The speaker interrupted, accusingly, “You knew yet you still did!”

Jared took out a hanky and rubbed droplets of sweat off his forehead, “I understand it was a huge blunder…”

The speaker interrupted again, “Blunder… blunder…!?”

Jared hated the speakers and he fantasized about murdering him some days, he wouldn’t be humiliated though. “I did it because of threat we faced if I didn’t.”

The people around laughed.

The speaker snickered then continued, “Nevertheless, despite you’re insinuation that we’re in danger you still burnt down an important lot of profit.”

Jared stood up eyes filled with fire, “You try to humiliate me, after my years of service to this cause and you try to scare and gang up on me.”

The speaker sneered and argued, “We’ve still not been enlightened.”

Jared was sick of this was sick of being treated this way, only one person stood in his way to getting his point across to these misguided fools, but was he willing to do it.

The speaker continued with his taunts, “Need I mention you’re stupity of not managing to persuade Antio to send the brother and sister to another circus owned by us?!”

Jared clenched his fists, but stood his ground though distraught, “Vice President Raed Desiray! You accuse me of lying; yet don’t listen when I try to confirm these warning, you humiliate me!”

Raed smirked as if he considered Jared below him.

It was so fast Jared has suddenly leaped straight at Raed with animalistic rage.

Raed fell as Jared landed on him.

“Jared get off me now!”

Jared pulled back his fist and held it over Raed face, now positioned so he that was towering over him.

The speaker face turned white and then regaining composure, his face returned to normal, he screamed “Get off me, right this minute or I’ll have you killed.”

Jared sneered, “Don’t think you can make the demands…” Spitting “filthy scum!”

The men and Lady Greven had now stood up. Raed screamed red faced “Get this lunatic off me now!!!”

Two of the more muscular men pulled Jared off him. He stood up and watched with calmness as Jared struggled, he then lifted his cane and struck Jared in the stomach with a loud thwack.

Jared looked over at Raed with a fierce stare of defiance, and then fell unconscious from the blow.


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Last edited by Vernon on Thu Jun 28, 2007 8:23 pm; edited 6 times in total
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 6:57 am    Post subject: Re: To Shoot Towards the Stars Chapter 6 Reply with quote

[quote="Siegfried"]Chapter 6



Quote:
Tea sighed and slid the letter back in the envelope placing it back in the work desk. She saw the sun had set. Had she really been looking at the letter that long? She thought.


If that's a thought it should be Have I really been looking at the letter that long? Thoughts are first person Smile

Quote:
Tea cursed herself for getting so engrossed, what if Jared had come back would he had raped her then killed her, or just killed her? She was glad he hadn’t come yet and decided to finally explore (where ever) she was.


should be have

Quote:
She pulled open the large wooden door-- getting a flashback of how Jared had ripped her clothes off here. How his hands had traveled to her breast and in-between her legs. Tea growled he had expected her to enjoy it and not complain like some, no good street whore. If she ever had the chance, she’d kill Jared with no mercy and no compassion.


should be a comma between growled and he.

Quote:
Tea walked out, cautiously eyeing both sides of the long, well lit corridor. She felt so agrophobic. The hallway seemed to continue for miles. She took one tentative step expecting someone to shout and rush her. No one, she took another step. Still, no one. Beginning to feel confident, she made a brisk pace. When she wound the corner, she saw something that made her heart stop. She saw a frail petite girl that couldn’t of been aged more than seven--cleaning windows. She had of course known of the slavery situation in Lok’sawa it was common knowledge, but she never knew it was this bad. It made her wonder what else Jared hid within his abode. She walked up to the girl, who she now saw had dirty black hair dusty raggedy clothes. Tea carefully wondered if she should, but she was a prisoner just like her. She carefully tapped the girl's shoulder. The girl swung round, and for a minute, she thought the girl was going to scream at her. Nothing… The girl then spoke eyeing Tea with fear “I’m doing it, please don’t hurt me,” The girl pleaded holding her hands in front of her face, as if ready to be struck.


Comma between long and well lit
wound should be rounded
after stop but a colon and then get rid of she saw
Comma between Lok'sawa and it
put an and between Hair and dusty
change she to tea and the girl to she
get rid of at her

Yeah that is girl is wierd.


Quote:
The girl kept eyeing Tea in complete mistrust is this what the girl had to do with everyone, knowing no trust or friendships. “Please leave…” the girl wept “You trying to get me into trouble? Jared doesn’t like me being social.”


A period after mistrust and capitalize is.
A ? after friendships

I feel bad for this girl now. so sad. Sad

Quote:
Tea tried to calm down the young girl but the girl carried on speaking, crying with such force, “Please he promises to stop taking me to his room every night, if I’m quiet.”


OMFG.....JARED MUST DIE. *tries to enter screen and get into Sieg's Story*

Quote:
Tea was getting angrier by the minute this girl had been made to obey his every whim which included sleeping with him, it was no wonder she was a nervous wreck. Tea realized with a horror this may be her future if she couldn’t get away.


you dont need the a

Quote:
The girl stared with curiosity and fear at Tea's expression, then asked “If it’s not too rude to ask, why are you sad when a minute ago you were angry?”


I'll read the rest tomorrow i have got to go to bed now Smile

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 08, 2007 4:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah the girl was very creepy....

*continues to try and invade the computer and kill Jared.*

I hope Tea does it. I realy hope she slits his throat or something.

I liked the slutty lady. The one who wanted new manservents. She sounded very slutty.

Look forward to the rest Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 15, 2007 9:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it... but a few impracticalities.
Rape victims are more ashamed about what's happening then being able to talk to strangers.
And the meeting seems very up-front. Most meetings of such kind would be less obvious, in case of spies and back-stabbers.
No honor among thieves...

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