Topic ID: 15111
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Electric Tangerine
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 30 Mar 2007
Posts: 40
Reviews: 25
Country: Does La La Land count?
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Apr 14, 2007 1:28 am Post subject: She (or the Whore of Hell) |
 |
|
Behind the mask and smile bright,
There lies a curse of awesome fright.
The empty pits which are her eyes,
Resound with silence of the skies.
Her heart’s so cold, it’d chill you dead,
And yet so many call her to bed.
When with she, at last they lie,
Their soul from them escapes, does fly.
Then from the bower does she creep,
To curl upon the floor and sleep.
Yet when she rises again she smiles,
For to sleep once more she must beguile,
Another poor soul’s last breath,
That all around know her as Death.
---------------------------------------
wrote this ages ago and just remembered it. I like the idea but the poem has more rhyme then i usually do, so I can't decide about it. Comments appreciated! |
_________________
People are generally nice, except when you give them anonymity...then you get a**holes, hence the internet -Benji. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 19
Joined: 22 Nov 2004
Posts: 3044
Reviews: 903
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 14, 2007 1:36 am Post subject: |
|
|
Electric Tangerine,
Even if you drop L7 and L8 (which you should), you have produced nothing here that can generate interest in a reader.
Best,
Brad |
_________________
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
|
| Back to top |
|
IronyFalling
New Member
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 01 Apr 2007
Posts: 1
Reviews: 1
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 14, 2007 2:33 am Post subject: Death |
|
|
I really liked this poem, personally. Although at first I was just interested in the words you were using, at the end when you pulled it all together and identified it as Death I thought it was cool.
-Sky |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Liz
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 22 Nov 2004
Posts: 493
Reviews: 321
Country: The land down under
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 14, 2007 8:22 am Post subject: |
|
|
I also thought this was a really interesting piece. The first say 5 lines and the last couple are probably your strongest, I think you lose the reader a bit in the middle, probably mainly because of the distorted syntax. I think you could strengthen the whole poem by questioning every adjective...I know it's a standard sort of thing but it's really beneficial. The poem could probably be a bit less cluttered.
For the most part the rhythm and structure works really well, except maybe in the middle, but I think the pattern you've got is really hard to pull off so you've done a great job. |
_________________
purple sneakers |
|
| Back to top |
|
Electric Tangerine
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 30 Mar 2007
Posts: 40
Reviews: 25
Country: Does La La Land count?
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 14, 2007 3:23 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| thanks for the comments guys. Incandescence...can you elaborate on why L7 and L8 should be dropped? I'm looking into other changes too thanks again guys. |
_________________
People are generally nice, except when you give them anonymity...then you get a**holes, hence the internet -Benji. |
|
| Back to top |
|
mimi06
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 09 Apr 2007
Posts: 17
Reviews: 16
Country: France
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 14, 2007 7:41 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| wow! i really like this poem! thats really VERY good! |
_________________
**God bless yar lame soul** |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
