Scene: A baby clothes shop, filled with mostly women. KYLE is shopping like he may be on crack, and JON is following carelessly
JON: So, Why are we shopping for baby clothes again? You never told me, you just dragged me along.
KYLE: [going through infant clothes. Seems to be undecided about whether blue or pink is the better color] Because I’m pregnant! Didn’t I tell you?
JON: I’m not surprised that you forgot to—Wait, what, [awkward pause] don’t you mean to say Ariel is pregnant?
KYLE: You kidding me? No, I’m pregnant. [With more enthusiasm than he should have] I’m having a baby!
[KYLE runs from one end of the store to another, while JON seems to ignore him all together. KYLE stops in front of JON holding a diaper bag]
KYLE: Do you like this one? I like the pink one, it really matches my hips, but this one can hold more. [ gives JON a contemplative and worried look]
JON: Er, I like the other one… I’m not exactly sure pink is your color.
KYLE: Really? Oh well. I trust your opinion.
JON: If you do, then please, stop and explain this to me? You are pregnant?
KYLE: [with a suspenseful pause] No, I’m just lying and having fun looking at baby clothes because I’m a baby raper. YES, I’m having a baby!
JON: [dropping head into hands] What the fuck? You can’t have a baby. I’m a doctor, I know these things. You’re a male! You obviously can’t have a—
KYLE: [visibly worried] But I have a vagina!
[The other women in the story silence themselves because of KYLE’s out burst. Everyone seems uncomfortable. JON steps a little away from KYLE]
JON: Should I even ask if I can examine you?
KYLE: Pervert
JON: Well I can’t exactly believe you…Are you sure Ariel isn’t having a baby and you just aren’t freaking out from getting married and everything. I mean, Brad did write you as the crazy character that seems like he’s just a man whore who loves me but isn’t exactly sure about it and so won’t admit it, and really likes to hurt my feelings. You couldn’t “settle down” if you wanted to.
KYLE: [sticks out tongue] So? I am getting married, and I am having a baby! And… Who’s Brad?
JON: Never mind. Remember being part of a novel?
KYLE: Yes.
JON: Yeah, that guy.
KYLE: I still don’t get it.
JON: Never mind.
KYLE: So does that mean you can help me shop, or are you going to stand there like an idiot?
JON: Idiot? Who are you calling idiot? You are the one saying you are pregnant! I swear, you are acting crazier than when you were on that sugar high because you thought we were going to die, or something. You know I don’t actually remember; why were you on a sugar high?
KYLE: I don’t remember either. But who cares, it happened, right?
JON: Er…sure. So…Boy or girl?
KYLE: Alien.
JON: Pardon?
KYLE: I’m just pulling your leg. Or am I pulling something else? [raises eyebrow]
[JON blushes]
JON: So when did you find out you were…uh. Pregnant?
KYLE: I woke up one morning and I just knew it. I could feel the thing squirming inside me.
JON: Are you sure that wasn’t a tape worm?
KYLE: Do tape worms kick?
JON: Maybe it’s a fetus-in-fetu
KYLE: Did you just insult my baby?
JON: No I just...er. Yeah, never mind.
[JON stands in the corner, obviously feeling uncomfortable from watching KYLE shop for baby clothes when there is no way in hell KYLE could ever be pregnant]
JON: I think I know what is wrong.
KYLE: You can’t accept the fact that I’m FINALLY happy, can you? I mean come on; Brad kept giving you the family man part. You had two wives. Both got pregnant, and both “died” well, at least one of them really did. Now I’m marrying the other one. And now that I’m finally having a baby, and I get to be the family man—
JON: What the hell are you even talking about? And, I thought you didn’t know who Brad was?
KYLE: Well, I changed my mind. Now I do.
JON: You certainly act pregnant…
[Again the conversation is taken over by silence. The two stand uncomfortably, watching each other.]
JON: Think we could go outside and talk for a minute?
KYLE: As long as I can come back in and by my diaper bag. I think I’ll get the pink one, just to spite you. [gives a death glare]
[They leave the shop, and stand outside. JON paces back and forth, a worried look on his face]
JON: I think I know why you think you are pregnant.
KYLE: I don’t think I’m pregnant, I am. Get your damn facts right.
JON: Okay, I know why you are pregnant. I think Chionophobia has done that mind-trick thing they did to Sara, you know? The one we actually aren’t supposed to know about because they said she died in a car accident, but really she didn’t, and even she thinks she died in a car accident?
KYLE: She can’t think if she’s dead.
JON: What ever. Remember that? I think Chionophobia is doing the same thing to you only…They want you to think you are pregnant?
KYLE: But why would they do that?
JON: Why the hell do they do anything? It’s obviously some odd plot mechanism Brad is using to tear us apart again, I’ll get mad at you, we’ll fight, then have hot, steamy sex in a closet, which of course won’t be mentioned anywhere but everyone knows it happened, and make up. And then I’ll get mad again because the baby isn’t mine. I mean…er… I don’t know why they would want you to think you were pregnant.
KYLE: [crying] Does this mean I’m not going to have a baby?
JON: You could just knock up Ariel.
KYLE: So she can pretend to die again? I’m not that stupid.
[The two laugh, remembering events of the past]
KYLE: So…Can I go back inside now?
JON: Did you just hear a thing I said?
KYLE: Well yeah but… I still want to buy the diaper bag. You have to admit it went really good with my hips, didn’t it?
[JON blushes, but follows KYLE back into the store]
END SCENE
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To be continued... Maybe
This was for me to have fun writing a fan fiction, and also to practice my script writing skills, which I think kind of failed a bit because of the humor I wanted to add, but I haven't worked on them yet, so this was kind of a test. Mostly for fun. Please help me with my script writing skills! I think the [ ]'s should have been ( )'s but I didn't notice that until now and it would be too much to go through and change it (because of the coding that uses [ ]'s) sorry! Enjoy!
from laughter! 
