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Electric Tangerine
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 Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2007 11:04 pm Post subject: Luxury and Poverty |
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Atop his steed sat Luxury,
A cunning, sharp cut type,
Painted lips formed painted smile,
His stockings smooth and white.
The silk brocade and silver shone,
A richness rarely seen,
While Poverty, crouched below him,
Could hardly be called "clean".
She held his reigns, but stood askance,
A fear from deep within,
To get to close, or mar his dress,
To her would be a sin.
Said Luxury to Poverty:
"My dear, you look a fright!
With just a bit of touching up,
You surely could be right."
"Aye, but sir," quipped Poverty,
"Perhaps I could be right,
But in the day you'd yearn for me
To come and stay the night."
"And in the morn," continued she,
"You'd find a frightful fact,
For though asleep, we be the same,
In living, we must act.
Facade set up, and well maintained,
Could not support my cause,
Your friends would see with just a glance,
And surely they'd give pause."
The game then up, upon the street,
You'd find me in a flash,
And all the urchins 'round the town,
Could come to have a laugh.
So sleep in peace and worry not,
Preserve integrity,
But keep it known as I have shown,
Your eloquence is wasted on me."
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What do you think?
thanks guys
-tangerine. |
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Last edited by Electric Tangerine on Tue Apr 10, 2007 2:09 am; edited 1 time in total |
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emotion_less
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| Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2007 10:38 pm Post subject: |
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as this style of poetry, i think the poem is pretty good.
now because it is a more focused on rhythm and rhyme, i think you should read the poem aloud and see how it sounds. try to smooth out phrases that disrupt the flow of the poem.
a big example of this is the end. the end is an important part of the piece. however, read this out loud:
So sleep in peace and worry not,
Preserve integrity,
But keep it known as I have shown,
Your eloquence is wasted on me."
the last line is a bit awkward compared to the rest of the stanza. i like the last line, but maybe try rewording some parts of the stanza as a whole to make it all work.
i like the message you portray here, the evils of the social class division. you wrote it well. hope to see more! |
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Electric Tangerine
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| Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2007 11:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeah I wasn't sure if I cut the "is" out of that line that you'd know what was going on... |
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emotion_less
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| Posted: Mon Apr 09, 2007 11:35 pm Post subject: |
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just a suggestion, but maybe...
So sleep in peace and worry not,
Preserve your integrity,
But keep it known as I have shown,
Eloquence is wasted on me."
i don't want to ruin what you had in mind though. but it helps with rewording. |
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Electric Tangerine
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| Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2007 1:40 am Post subject: |
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yeah, i'll think about it, i wanted the "your" to stay, just cause it pushes the point a bit more, but thanks  |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2007 1:55 am Post subject: |
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Hehehe, this is nice!
They've already pointed out the last stanza awkwardness, so I won't bother on it, but here's something I noticed:
"Aye, but sir," quipped Poverty,
"Perhaps I could be right,
But in the light you'd yearn for me
To come and stay the night."
It seems weird that you have three "light" sounding words in there: right, light, and night. I think it would be best to cut one out, possibly the "light" one.
And here's another thing:
She held his reigns, but stood askance,
You don't say that she was near him, so it's a little awkward, but not much.
Hmmm... now! To find better words for eloquence! I think it would be best if you had a one syllable word...a strong word...
Looking at the poem, this seems to be very symbolic, which is pretty awesome, and showing that those who are rich and those who are poor can never get along, no matter what. Eloquence, to me, is a kind of awkward word to describe this feeling so let me get out my thesaurus! In this case, I think "kindness" might be a more appropriate word, so I'm going to look that up. Grace? Deed? Warmth? Love? Hahaha... maybe not. But play around with it more! It's a good poem... you should have more fun with it.  |
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Electric Tangerine
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| Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2007 2:09 am Post subject: |
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Thanks Snoink. I like the idea of dropping light, it will read just fine and "day" so there we go...
As for changing eloquence, it was supposed to be ironic, so I might want to keep it...but I'll look into it! |
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TL G-Wooster
put the lime in the coconut
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| Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2007 9:48 pm Post subject: |
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This is cool! The rhyming goes very nicely. Only one thing:
| Electric Tangerine wrote: |
"And in the morn," continued she,
"You'd find a frightful fact,
For though asleep, we be the same,
In living, we must act.
"Facade set up, and well maintained,
Could not support my cause,
Your friends would see with just a glance,
And surely they'd give pause."
"The game then up, upon the street,
You'd find me in a flash,
And all the urchins 'round the town,
Could come to have a laugh.
"So sleep in peace and worry not,
Preserve integrity,
But keep it known as I have shown,
Your eloquence is wasted on me." |
This bit. It's one long speech, so should there be quotation marks at the beginning of each verse? You put some at the ending of a verse, yet carry on with the speech.
Apart from that, this is great!
-ShadowTwit |
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Electric Tangerine
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| Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2007 11:36 pm Post subject: |
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| I had the quotes like that originally actually. but then i figured that because it was the same person talking people might get confused if they had separate sets...so I put them all into one, as one speech with breaks. Should I put it back? I can't tell. |
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