Topic ID: 13635
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blonde&confused
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 Posted: Mon Feb 26, 2007 6:00 pm Post subject: Run Rabbit |
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Run rabbit, run rabbit, run, run, run.
The rabbit tears through the field,
A white blur in the midst of all the green.
He pauses, his nose twitching.
Then he takes off again,
Hurtling himself through the undergrowth.
He runs as fast as he can,
as the farmer draws ever nearer,
His eyes bloodshot, his ears lying flat against his skull,
as the farmer takes aim.
Suddenly there's a gunshot,
A flash of light, a clash of thunder,
And the rabbit runs no more.
He lies on the ground,
Soaking into the earth.
His eyes wide and staring,
Red on white, his beauty soiled,
And the farmer draws ever nearer.
Run rabbit, Run rabbit, run, run, run |
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Last edited by blonde&confused on Fri Oct 26, 2007 4:56 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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| Posted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 12:19 am Post subject: |
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That's morbid. I thought after the first stanza that it would just be a cute little bunny. Bunny go bye-bye, darn it. I think the repetition of "Run rabbit" in the last line there added a certain creepy element.
Beyond that, though, it's kind of flat and straightforward. Rabbit runs. Farmer shoots. Rabbit dead. The language isn't really anything new, and the images are bland. Try describing the rabbit and the farmer in ways they aren't usually described. Here it's the typical white bunny with a twitching nose and the bad farmer with a thundercrack gun. What is this story supposed to show us? Why should we care about this rabbit? What makes him special? Why is the farmer killing him?
Colleen |
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HeadInTheClouds
a touch of destiny
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| Posted: Tue Feb 27, 2007 2:12 am Post subject: |
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| Meh, it was so-so. It didn't flow very well and was quite startling and took a dark turn at the end. It seemed quite happy at first and then BOOM! No more cute little bunny. I would suggest spending more time on getting future poetry to flow better. |
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Pyxis
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| Posted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 11:44 pm Post subject: |
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okay...
I agree with what the others are saying.
I liked it, though. Cute beginning, sad ending, odd poem.
But not a bad poem.  |
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nickelodeon
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| Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 3:13 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, well i happened to like it a lot.
It's kind of realistic. There's not much to a rabbit's life. He runs, he dies, he's gone.
I thought it flowed very well. You stuck to the topic at hand, so i didn't lose focus and get confused.
You should capitalize the second run in the last line. (You didn't in the first, so you should probably keep it the same.
Overall, nice poem. It probably helps that I am an obsessive rabbit lover.
=) |
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Fabien
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 12:28 pm Post subject: |
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| Despite what others have said, I liked it. I liked the fact that it has a quick, abrupt sense to it. I liked that it started all nice, then took a sudden, sharp turn for the worse. And the last line is eerie, but it fits. Keep it up. Peace. |
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Cloud_Stepping
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| Posted: Tue Apr 03, 2007 4:05 am Post subject: |
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I really enjoed this poem it is quick and easy to read and actually kind of left me a bit in despair at the end of the poem but thats not a bad thing...atleast i was affected.
It was like i read over it quickly and easily and maybe was not drawn into any really complicated metaphores but the harshness, cruelty, and reality of the words left me after the poem sitting here a tiny bit in sorrow over the rabbit.
I am a big lover of animals so i have always been against things like hunting but i think this poem is a very powerful message for any misguided people that do enjoy hunting to the horror of an animals life being taken.
Keep up the good work.
Look forward to future poems |
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Fangala the Flying Feline
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| Posted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 3:46 pm Post subject: |
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Whatever you do, don't change the last line! It's powerful. I love it.
As for the rest of the poem, just for an exercise, try compacting it to get rid of the vague wordiness. Experiment with outlandish metaphors. Really put yourself in that rabbit's place. This poem has great potential (besides, I'm a real sucker for rabbit poems.) |
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BFG
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| Posted: Thu Apr 12, 2007 8:06 pm Post subject: |
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The first line and the last line are the only parts that really affected me. Try to spruce up the middle bits some more.
Do you know that song, the one that goes "In a cottage by a wood, a little old man at the window stood..." ? It's kind of like "Bingo" or "My Hat It Has Five Corners", the way you replace a phrase with a motion each time. And the last line is "Come little rabbit, come with me; how happy we will be." It made me think of that for some reason.
Anyway, it's a good start. Work on those middle stanzas to make them more effecting (affecting? what's the word here?) and interesting, and this could be a very scary poem. |
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