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If I Had Another Drink
If I Had Another Drink

by Flemzo in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on February 16, 2007
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The dusty road

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tzmanda   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 16, 2007 4:49 pm    Post subject: The dusty road Reply with quote

Chapter 1 Away from home

The girl sitting on top of the boulders name was Mika. Her legs were bent upwards, with both arms holding them tightly near her, so that her head rested just between her knees. There was a gentle, but fiercely angry frown fixed upon her face and at regular intervals she let out frustrated sighs.

She began to slowly get down from the rock and then changed her mind, returning to her rigid position. She wasn’t ready to go home and face the fire. Her parents had been fighting again when she stormed out. They had been shouting right in front of her as if she didn’t matter at all.

“Mika,” she turned around to see Tim, one of the boys from school, coming towards her. When he reached the foot of the boulder, he grinned sheepishly up at her and said, “I didn’t know that you were into walking.”

“I’m not” she huffed.

“Well, this is quite far from the edge of town,” he responded in the same light tone.

“Really,” she said sarcastically, “I didn’t notice as I marched this way!”

He looked down at the ground, and after a while said, in a rather rejected manner, “Sorry, I didn’t realize that you didn’t want company.” She turned back as he slowly began to walk away, but twenty seconds later a pang of guilt hit her. Leaping off the rock, she ran to catch up with him.

“So you’re into walking,” she panted when she finally reached him.

“Yeah,” he responded, a huge ecstatic smile, forming on his face, “Are you going this way?”

“Right now I’m going any direction that doesn’t lead home!” she said. They walked in silence for a while. Eventually plucking up the courage, Tim asked, “What was wrong?”

“What,” she responded sharply..

“You seemed upset,” he added not catching her tone of voice

“Well, why don’t I just summarize it for you,” she muttered hotly, “two days ago my mum and I found out that my dad had another wife and child. A totally other family. She was in the process of kicking him out when I left!”

He had stopped walking and was looking down at the ground again, “look, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.” He said. Then, looking back up at her, he added “maybe its time that we went back.” It was her turn to look down.

“I really don’t want to go home,” she muttered, “ you can go if you want.”

“You know,” he added as an after thought, “civilization begins after those trees, I know a café if you want to grab a drink.”

She smiled at him and replied, “Thanks that’s just what I need.”

The café that he had described was small and fairly plain. After they had chosen a place to sit, a waitress came and took their order; a milkshake for Mica and a coke for Tim.

“You’re very distant,” he said when they had received their drinks, “you don’t really talk to anyone at school.”

“Is that why you’re talking to me,” she responded smirking, “cause I’m interesting.”

“No actually its because I thought I’d found some one with a similar interest.” He replied looking up at her, “you’re very pretty, you know.” She blushed and turned away to look out the window. After a while he added, “Mika, how old are you?”

“15, why?”

“You don’t look it”

“What age do I look?” She said laughing, “12?”

“No. Older. Like my age.” He was looking directly at her now, so that she couldn’t urn away from his gaze.

“How old are you?”

“17.”

“Then I’ll take it as a compliment,” she flicked her hair over her shoulder and laughed.

The sun was setting when they finally left the café. Tim had offered to walk her home, so they set of laughing and chatting as though they had been friends forever

“Here we are,” she said turning on to the drive leading up to her house. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” he responded before turning to leave.

When she opened the front door, her parents were standing opposite in the kitchen, throwing verbal daggers at each other.

“Right where I left you,” She muttered under her breath and then stormed up to her room, slamming the door behind her.

This is a mixture of romance and drama.It is my first attempt at romance, so I hope you like it!

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Loose   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 16, 2007 7:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i dont know if im quite like everyone else, but i find things like this hard to read...

you have a lot of paragraphs, but most are there for easy reading. perhaps double space the real paragraphs so to divide your work up into bite size pieces for the stupid lucy. AND THAT APPLIES TO THE REST OF YOU!

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Royboy   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 16, 2007 10:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I found a few typos and I have one suggestion that you don't really have to listen to:

Quote:
After they had chosen a place to sit, a waitress came and took their order; a milkshake for Mica and a coke for Tim.

It's spelled Mika everywhere other than this part.

Quote:
“I’m not” she huffed.

Comma after not.

Quote:
He was looking directly at her now, so that she couldn’t urn away from his gaze.

Couldn't turn.

I like the way the story is going. I thought maybe you could put in a little more about her father being kicked out for his second family as well. It just seems so straight forward.
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 19, 2007 4:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I found a few errors, but nothing major, and I think someone else got them all. Very Happy I thought it was good, a little bit more description might be nice. Like when they are at the boulder you might want to describe their suroundings. And when he tells her she's beautiful, you could add specifics. You don't have too, but it would help the reader. I like more descriptive writing, but this is good. I can't wait for the next chapter! Writergirl

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 20, 2007 2:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Really liked the introduction, could use a little more discription but it's good. I like the way the intro is going so I can't wait for what's coming next. I'm not going to mention the little mistakes, they're already taken care of.

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JackBauerHasABaldSpot   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 3:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's not written with error (okay, much error) except for what the previous have said about description, but it seems a tad bit...quick. Even if a girl's vulnerable, the type of person that Mika seems to be wouldn't simply out and say what's wrong with her family to someone she barely knows.

Other than that, it's promising.
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 10:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh, i do like this one! you did make a few slilght errors, but then who doesn't? i do like it, it sounds like the kind of book i would borrow out of the library to finish reading Smile

i want to know what happens to these characters Smile good start
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 4:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
throwing verbal daggers at each other.


I love this! Very cool.

Again, there are a few typos, and your commas and periods might be placed a little better, but that is all I have to say.
Great writing! Can't wait to hear more! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 12, 2007 1:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it so far. I almost said it's flowing nicely, but not completely. Now, maybe it's just my imagination, but it sounds a little choppy. I get like that a lot, writing as though I was using a blunt knife. Okay, now I'm just scaring myself.
Anyway, I'm interested to read it more. So I'm not sure quite how to do this, but I'll bookmark it. Somehow. Laughing
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This thread was created on February 16, 2007

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