Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Caught in the Wire
Caught in the Wire

by alleycat13 in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on March 27, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 1
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 2
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 3
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 5
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 6
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 7
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 8
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 9
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 10
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 11
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 12
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 13
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 15
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 16
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 17
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 18
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 19
Chasing Rainbow Chapter 14
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 20
Chasing Rainbow Chapter 21
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 22
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 1 Revised
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 2 (Revised)
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 3 (Revised)
Chasing Rainbows Chapter 4 (Revised)

Chasing Rainbows Chapter 4

Topic ID: 14485
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Vernon   View This User's Portfolio
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
Epic Novelist

647
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 18
Joined: 09 May 2005
Posts: 3825
Reviews: 647
Country: Building a bridge to Elizabeth's heart and guiding her to mines.
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 7:32 am    Post subject: Chasing Rainbows Chapter 4 Reply with quote

Tea sat up dazed, she then realized this wasn’t her room. She lay in a vast four-poster bed with curtains. She looked under the warm covers and saw she was wearing white lacey pajama top with buttons and navy blue pajama trousers. She pinched the fabric of her trousers back and saw she was no longer wearing any underwear. Tea hoped that anyone, but Jared had changed her.

She then remembered last night and how amazing Eolen had been, it seemed so far away now. Tea grinned she’d allow him to change her any day.

The rest of the room was very spacious with a ceiling length wardrobe over to left of that was a walk out veranda. On other side, she had her very own bathroom she could just see through the door. Next to the bed, her clothes were laid out neatly on a large backed chair. Tea sighed out in relief, Jared hadn’t changed her. A work desk was right of the bed cluttered with letters scrawled with various names and places. Hanging on the door was an inky black top hat and a scarlet costume with gold tassels, trimmings and a long coattail.

Lying on the table next to her bed was large leather bullwhip, curled like a vicious snake. Also, on the table was a lamp, long and narrow just like a woman’s body, How many wives had he gone through?

All over walls were the posters showing Jared’s whole history in the circus. From small time ass, to big time fucker, he’d done all.

The door opened and in stepped Jared “Well… Tea my sweetheart, did you have a nice sleep?”

Tea sat up and frowned, “Get lost, Jared, you’ll never touch me.”

Jared strode over, a look sheer madness in his eyes, “I’m afraid you don’t understand…”

Tea interrupted, “Sure I do! You want a sex slave, not a woman.”

Jared continued over her, anger and annoyance flashing in his eyes and voice, “Listen, bitch, your family is dead. I could easily send you out into the street to fend for your self, but a beauty like you, wouldn’t last a day. You’d most likely be raped to death.”

Tea sighed in despair wishing Eolen were with her.

“No comebacks my dear Tea, my maybe you do actually have a brain in that head of yours.”

Tea’s face turned scarlet with fury “Get out you bastard, if you dare go near my body, I’ll seriously coldly murder you.” She then thrust lamp out of socket.

Jared smiled menacingly “You don’t have the guts.”

The lamp flew across the room, Jared quickly and awkwardly dodged.

“You’ll regret that after tonight, bitch.”

Tea drew up the bullwhip

Jared glared “Put that down now!”

She slithered out of the bed and unfurled the whip slowly.

Jared eyes turned towards door anxiously “I’m warning you Tea Yeasa drop my whip!”

Tea unfurled whip fully with the end of the whip, hitting floor with a flump. She tried to strike Jared. He grabbed the whip, in a flash he reeled her into his arms. His hands were everywhere. She struggled very scared.

Jared smiled slyly “Well my feisty devil you obviously can’t wait for tonight.”

He tore her pajama top off and cupped her breasts in his hands. Tea whimpered and tried to get out his grip, but he was so strong. He was rubbing her breasts, but it wasn't the passionate strokes like Eolen's, it was lustful and loveless. He started to pull her trousers off and rub her. She tried to think of horrible things like seeing her Dad dying.

Jared looked to see whether she would no longer struggle but her face showed no sign of pleasure. He growled and pushed her over to bed closing the door.

Tea whimpered as he tore her trousers off completely. She tried vainly to hit him or roll off-- anything to escape. He pulled one leg back so far she screamed.

A knock rang out.

He walked away looking at her hard as if to say you try to escape I’ll kill you.

Tea watched with tears as he walked out of the door. She quickly grabbed her trousers off the ground then ran over to where her shirt lay and hastily threw it on and buttoned it up. Then she glanced over at veranda. Tea had nothing to live for; she would never be a Jared’s sex slave. Just a small climb then a quick jump. All over within seconds, at least she’d be with her family in paradise.

She wasn’t positive Alexzander was dead though and maybe, just maybe Eolen or Alexzander would save her. She’d prefer the latter.

Eolen was a thug she knew, but such a gentle and courteous one. She’d never loved anyone as much as Eolen. His body felt enriching, his lips felt like heaven itself, his touch was so gentle and it made her feel all wet and shivery.

She decided she’d give Eolen a chance to save her.

The door opened and Jared walked in grumpy, “Who gave you permission to put you’re clothes back on?” He inquired.

Tea turned round startled, and quickly made up a lie “Well you don’t want anyone else seeing your wife naked?”

She turned round and almost vomited. She never wanted anyone, but Eolen seeing her naked now.

Jared satisfied, smiled, “I need to go sort out papers for the Ranna Lands conflict, we’ll continued this later. You’ll welcome to walk about my humble abode.” He then added menacingly, “Just don’t try to escape.” Jared walked out.

The Ranna Land from what Tea had heard was a vast watery Oasis’s situated with about five small town and one very technological advanced city called Joleta.

The lands were located across the ocean. The story was The Ranna Lands had dismissed all religion, saying simply it caused unwanted conflict. Well the religious officials of here accused them of heresy, saying clearly no-one person from Ranna must enter Lok’asaw. This infuriated the Joleta Prime Minister and he replied “

“We’ve made our choice, and if you decree this order then, we’ll see who wins in a war against religion and technology”

This she admits was arrogant, but this conflict had been going on ever since. One day Ranna had sent a peace advocate to talk with or leaders. He talked saying this conflict was pointless and how he had grown up in it and would like to live through it—he would like to see if they could come to an agreement. Then he was stoned. He then was sent back, bones crushed with his tongue and eyeballs removed. Joleta Prime Minister had then called our leader’s archaic monsters. Sadly, she agreed. All communications had ceased between both continents; she had a feeling Ranna was sick of the conflict and most of Lok’asaw were too. It was people like Jared, who profited off the war. Gaining profit through means of life’s being lost was wrong and immoral. Such a pointless conflict and it thoroughly proved Ranna point, that religion did cause war.

Tea decided she would need to get some prevention, to stop Jared forcing her to have to sex. She could deliberately cut herself there, but she was sure Jared wouldn’t care if she was gushing of blood from her skull so long as he could still fuck her. He wouldn’t care. Maybe if she could drug him, this give her chance to concoct a plan.

Tea screamed in frustration, all these maybes, all these possibly the fact—as sad as it was. Unless she could get out house, she’d probably die here after Jared had enough of her body. This thought scared her the most. What when she was no longer beautiful, would she then be thrown-away like a discarded doll—to be forgotten?

She shivered at the prospect of this. She decided she’d better change if she was going to walk about house. Tea went over to bed and grabbed her clothes. She then ran over to the door, and locked it. She un-did her top and threw it off.

Tea then saw a white bra in the pile with her clothes, Tea shrugged; she sure would feel safer with more layers of clothes.

Tea slid both straps over her shoulders then fastened back of it, after a few tries. At least now Jared couldn’t see her totally naked if he ripped both tops off her. She threw her undershirt on lacing up the naked collar tightly. After she was positive, it was tight, enough. She then discarded her navy-blue-pajama-trousers, and flung on her panties hurriedly, then yanked her trousers on.

In the corner she noticed a fireplace—she’d not noticed before, with her shoes on hearth. Tea walked over and slipped her shoes on tying the shoelace almost mechanically.

She begun to walk towards door, then with a shock Tea realized that she could find out so much about Jared in his room. She went over to the cluttered work desk and began skim through the letters.

First were bills of state and other political business ect…

She then saw a more mysterious one, it had no return address. She pulled the note out.

Dear Jared

You don’t know me and will never, but it is by perchance you are greedy and will sell out anyone for power or money. The job I ask of you is to kill your acrobat family, The Yeasa’s. I expect you to do this in most fragile way. Don’t ask any questions or you shall not get your payment. We expect results by next month. After money sent burn this letter and next letter with money in it.

Lawrence

Lawrence? Tea thought he was responsible for her parent’s death. Suddenly Jared seemed less of a threat. Lawrence?

Jared was being blackmailed, so who was this Lawrence from the way letter was written with very fine nib. This suggests a person of stature, someone who could threaten without any after affects.

Tea sighed, this was far bigger than she imagined, far, far bigger.


_________________
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag]


Last edited by Vernon on Thu Apr 26, 2007 3:52 pm; edited 4 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Nutty   View This User's Portfolio
Edward wishes he was Vincent Valentine
Speaker of the Forum

166
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 02 Mar 2007
Posts: 933
Reviews: 166
Country: Aotearoa New Zealand
300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 4:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's great.

One thing, If she wants alex to save her, why does she go on about Eolen?

and watch the sentence length. Long sentences often need commas to give a rest.

But apart from that, I like it. I'll keep an eye out for the rest Wink

_________________
"Please never have a character laugh mischievously, or cry sadly, or I shall have to hit you with a wet fish." -Brigid Lowry

Need a review?- http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic37478.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Alteran   View This User's Portfolio
I kissed a Girl.... Not a Fan
Master of the Forum

614
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 20
Joined: 10 May 2006
Posts: 2322
Reviews: 614
Country: Atlantis
346 Points

PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 5:32 am    Post subject: Re: To Shoot Towards the Stars Chapter 4 (IP) Reply with quote

Quote:
Tea sat up dazed, she then realized this wasn’t her room. She lay in a vast four-poster bed with curtains. She looked under the warm covers and saw she was wearing a white lacey pajama top with buttons and navy blue pajama trousers. She pinched the fabric of her trousers back and saw she was no longer wearing any underwear. Tea hoped that anyone, but Jared had changed her.


I think you should add the green a and change the red Tea to she. It messed with the flow quitte a bit to me.

Quote:
She then remembered last night and how amazing Eolen had been, it seemed so far away now. Tea grinned she’d allow him to change her any day.


this was kinda funny. Not sure why but it made me laugh. Likes it Smile

Quote:
The rest of the room was very spacious with a ceiling length wardrobe, over to left of that was a walk out veranda. On the other side, she had her very own bathroom she could just see through the door. Next to the bed, her clothes were laid out neatly on a large backed chair. Tea sighed out in relief, Jared hadn’t changed her. A work desk was to the right of the bed, cluttered with letters scrawled with various names and places. Hanging on the door was an inky black top hat and a scarlet costume with gold tassels, trimmings and a long coattail.


Everything in red are things i thought needed to be added.

Quote:
Lying on the table next to her bed was large leather bullwhip, curled like a vicious snake. Also, on the table was a lamp, long and narrow just like a woman’s body, How many wives had he gone through?


Confused! I so dont understand why this is there. It seems like an after note.

Quote:
All over walls were the posters showing Jared’s whole history in the circus. From small time ass, to big time fucker, he’d done it all.


Just thought you needed it.


Quote:
Tea’s face turned scarlet with fury “Get out you bastard, if you dare go near my body, I’ll seriously coldly murder you.” She then thrust lamp out of socket.


This was awkward. Her dialouge matches her frustration but the lamp part doesn't flow well I would think along the lines of: She grabbed the lamp, pulling it from the wall.


Quote:
Jared eyes turned towards the door anxiously “I’m warning you Tea Yeasa drop my whip!”


Needed a the. I hate Jared.

Quote:
Tea unfurled The whip fully with the end of the whip, hitting the floor with a flump. She tried to strike Jared. He grabbed the whip, in a flash he reeled her into his arms. His hands were everywhere. She struggled very scared.


Reds are adds and greens are thing i thought could be changed. The whip could be it, and Very scared could be terrified. It's a much stronger word choice I think.

Quote:
Jared smiled slyly “Well my feisty devil you obviously can’t wait for tonight.”
He tore her pajama top off and cupped her breasts in his hands. Tea whimpered and tried to get out of his grip, but he was so strong. He was rubbing her breasts, but it wasn't the passionate strokes like Eolen's, it was lustful and loveless. He started to pull her trousers off and rub her. She tried to think of horrible things like seeing her Dad dying.


red is an add. Oh this is very um....wow good. It is very powerful.

Quote:
Jared looked to see whether she would no longer struggle but her face showed no sign of pleasure. He growled and pushed her over to the bed closing the door.


Just add the.



Quote:
Tea watched with tears as he walked out of the door. She quickly grabbed her trousers off the ground then ran over to where her shirt lay and hastily threw it on and buttoned it up. Then she glanced over at the veranda. Tea had nothing to live for; she would never be a Jared’s sex slave. Just a small climb then a quick jump. All over within seconds, at least she’d be with her family in paradise.
.

No! Dont jump no jumping! add the.

Quote:
Jared satisfied, smiled, “I need to go sort out papers for the Ranna Lands conflict, we’ll continued this later. You’ll welcome to walk about my humble abode.” He then added menacingly, “Just don’t try to escape.” Jared walked out.


You didn't need the d at the end of Continue, The two ls should be an re. and you can put a comma after escape and put: and walked out.

Quote:
The Ranna Land from what Tea had heard was a vast watery Oasis’s situated with about five small towns and one very technologically advanced city called Joleta.


Just needed a few letters:)

Quote:
The lands were located across the ocean. The story was, The Ranna Lands had dismissed all religion, saying simply it caused unwanted conflict. Well the religious officials of here accused them of heresy, saying clearly no-one person from Ranna must enter Lok’asaw. This infuriated the Joleta Prime Minister and he replied


Comma


Quote:
This she admits was arrogant, but this conflict had been going on ever since. One day Ranna had sent a peace advocate to talk with or leaders. He talked, saying this conflict was pointless and how he had grown up in it and would like to live through it—he would like to see if they could come to an agreement. Then he was stoned. He then was sent back, bones crushed with his tongue and eyeballs removed. Joleta's Prime Minister had then called our leader’s archaic monsters. Sadly, she agreed. All communications had ceased between both continents; she had a feeling Ranna was sick of the conflict and most of Lok’asaw were too. It was people like Jared, who profited off the war. Gaining profit through means of life’s being lost was wrong and immoral. Such a pointless conflict and it thoroughly proved Ranna's point, that religion did cause war.


Reds are add ins, like i'm sure you know by now, and greens are changes. Or should be Our i think. Life's should be Lives.

[quote]Tea decided she would need to get some prevention, to stop Jared forcing her to have to sex. She could deliberately cut herself there, but she was sure Jared wouldn’t care if she was gushing of blood from her skull so long as he could still fuck her. He wouldn’t care. Maybe if she could druged him, this would give her chance to concoct a plan.[/color]

I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be protection. I didn't think you needed a comma after prevention either. the reds are just little adds.

I noticed you do well with certain parts like when action is taking place and then some spots lull a bit. Your chracters are very well defined. Jared is a total ass and i hope she cuts him. You kinda info dump a little on the part with the war. that was a lot of information. I think you might want to look for a better way to introduce it.

It's going great Smile

_________________
"Maybe Senpai ate Yuka-tan's last bon-bon?"
----Stupei, Ace Defective

Once Upon an Adam_Atlantian
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger
vixeyt   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

37
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 05 Jan 2007
Posts: 144
Reviews: 37
Country: United Kingdom
300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Apr 11, 2007 9:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OMG! Do you know how sigusted I felt when I read that. It seemed so real. Man Jared is severely coo coo ka doo. But, Lawrence. I don't like the idea of someone threatening and blackmaling Jarad. I mean, he's evil but being threateened and blackmailed and bribed and everything. Oo.

_________________
Evil Is But A Perspective - Myself in roleplay as Dora Tonks

Is it the dark side of ambition or the ambitious side of darkness? - Myself during reflection
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on March 27, 2007
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on March 27, 2007

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, We know what a person thinks not when he tells us what he thinks, but by his actions. - Isaac Bashevis Singer
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society