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Just The Way I Like It
Just The Way I Like It

by God in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on April 3, 2007
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Lyla. Part 1
Lyla. Part 2.
Lyla. Part 4
Lyla part 5
Lyla. Part 6
Lyla. Part 7
Lyla. Part 8.
Lyla. Part 9.
Lyla. Part 10.
Lyla. Part 11
Lyla. Part 12
Lyla. Part 13
Lyla. Part 14.
Lyla. Part 15
Lyla. Part 16.

Lyla. Part 3

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Alainna   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2007 5:55 pm    Post subject: Lyla. Part 3 Reply with quote

Thank you to those who have critiqued Part 1 and 2. Suggestions have been taken aboard. Please feel free to crit. Enjoy.

Lyla. Part 3.

“What?”

I felt mum wrap her arm around me, but I couldn’t react. This was what I had been dreading. This was what had kept me awake night after night. And this was the conversation I had been avoiding.

“I know it’s the last thing you want to do right now, but you’re seven weeks along and it’s imperative that you see a doctor,” mum continued calmly. I threw my school bag onto the bed and began to violently stuff books into it.

“It’s imperative that I get to decide if I go to the doctor or not!” I snapped.

“You’re not responsible enough,” mum muttered under her breath.

“What?!” I screamed. “It’s my body! I can look after it!”

Mum rose and pointed a slender finger at me. “Really? If you were responsible and respected your body in the first place we wouldn’t be in this mess.”

I stopped still, my heart racing. Mum had gone red. I didn’t know what to say. I grabbed my tie, swung my bag over my shoulder and stormed out the room.

I was still shaken at seven forty-five when I was munching on the last of my toast. I had managed to avoid mum after our screaming match. I couldn’t face her again, so the best thing to do would be to leave the house as soon as Sarah got there. But when the doorbell did go, she happened to corner me at the stained glass front door.

“The appointment is at five, please think about.” I watched her for a second then rushed out the house.

Sarah noticed that I grew quiet as we drew closer to the school. Without saying anything she looped her arm through mine. I clung onto her, thankful that I had someone who could get me through the day.

As we walked along the road the smell of petrol and freshly cut grass hit my nose. I had the sudden urge to be sick and before I could control myself I gagged.

“Lyla! Are you ok?”

I felt my cheeks go pink and suddenly became very aware of the group of year nines walking next to us. “Yeah, just feeling a bit sick, that’s all.”

Sarah patted my back. She leaned closer to me, her blonde hair tickling my face. “You know what that is, don’t you?” she whispered.

Morning sickness. The signs were fully rearing their heads now. I ignored her question and pointed to the looming school gates. The familiar scene of hundreds of teenagers strolling towards school felt weird today. They all seemed like hypnotized bees, swarming towards honey. Nothing felt real. Then panic filled me. He was going to be here. It would be the first time I’d seen him since…Even if I stayed away from him in the morning I still had English with him before lunch, it would be impossible to ignore him then.

“Lyla? Lyla? Lyla?! Are you ready?” Sarah had walked off without me as I stood worrying a few meters from the gate.

I coughed, adjusted my bag, quickly touched my bloated but concealed stomach and walked through the gates.

Tom took a bar of Vanish out of a cupboard and moistened it under the kitchen sink. Carefully, (this was hard as the kitchen was full of bustling bodies) he rubbed at the stain on my light azure blue dress. I giggled as the bar of soap rubbed on my ribs. Tom looked at me and I bit my lip, but he just smiled this lazy smile from the right hand corner of his mouth. “You’re very giggly tonight,” he remarked, packing the soap away while I smoothed down my dress.

“Well I’m just glad for you, that’s all. You have reason to celebrate. You haven’t stopped worrying about your script for the last month. All your hard work paid off. I’m proud of you.”

He pulled me into a hug and I nestled into my familiar place on his shoulder. When we broke apart he left his hands on the small of my back.

“Your dress is all wet now, you’re frozen! You’ll get ill if you stay in this,” he said into my ear. His words tickled. “I know, what if we ditch this party, John won’t mind. He’s so drunk that he won’t remember anything tomorrow.”

I watched Will, a boy from my form try to kiss Tilly as she made her way to the toilet. It was quite funny especially when Will didn’t get the hint, so Tilly lost her temper and slapped him round the face. She stalked off, leaving a tomato red Will behind. Turning my attention back to my boyfriend I asked where we could go if we left.

“Back to mine. Mum and Dad have gone up to Oxford for Tina’s graduation and Anthony is out clubbing, he won’t be back ‘till at least two in the morning. I have the place to myself. What do you say?”

Tom’s words sparked big red danger signs to go off in my head. To his house, alone, at night. We had never done that before. Anything could happen. But then again, I was always around his house, sometimes alone, so what was the difference?

“Ok, but I told my dad that I’d ring him when I wanted picking up. He thinks he’s coming here.” I nervously smoothed down the collar on his black shirt. He didn’t seem to notice the effect his words had on me.

“Well,” he continued, taking my fussing hands away from his shirt and holding them in his own. “my house is only a ten minute walk from here. I promise to walk you back to the top of the road and your dad can pick you up from there. Yes?”

I couldn’t resist. We hadn’t been alone for a long time lately, what with studying for GCSE’s and Tom working on his script, it would be nice. It wasn’t like Sarah needed me to stay here with her; she was getting a lift home with Tilly.

“I can’t stay longer than half eleven,” I agreed. Tom checked his watch and rolled his eyes.

“Lyla…”

“What? Look, I’d rather not get in trouble!” I snapped.

“Ok, ok. Sorry. We should leave now then, it’s nearly half nine.”

Finally deciding on what to do, I set out to find Sarah to tell her I was leaving.

As I grew nearer to the DJ, and the music got louder, I met Tilly. I tapped her on the shoulder and asked if Will had a swollen cheek.

“Oh my, you saw! I swear that boy is too forward!” she said reminding me of a woman in her thirties rather than a sixteen year old.

“Aww. I think you two would look cute together…” I laughed. Tilly pretended to swat me away. “Bye!”

She waved her return.

I weaved through dancing people, the beat of the music vibrating through the floor and up my body, making me feel lively. I passed by a group of Johns older mates, sixth formers who were smoking in the corner. The smoke from their cigarettes wafted up and along the living room, towards the open patio doors. I followed the haze. There I recognized Sarah’s shoulder length muddy blonde hair. She was still talking to Cal, who was swigging from a bottle of beer.

“Sarah,” I called. She turned around and that’s when I saw it. She was smoking. She looked shocked to see me, like she had forgotten that I was even there. It felt like an eternity before she spoke.

“Lyla, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Its just one day I got offered one and-’’

“It doesn’t matter. It’s your body that you’re ruining,” I remarked. I could feel the happiness leave my body, all the excitement that had built up just vanish. It was as if it floated out of me, a fluffy yellow cloud, which swam across the ceiling and out the door. How could Sarah not tell me? We never kept secrets from each other. I should have been the first to know. “Just one thing,” I had to ask, “How long have you been smoking?”

Sarah looked into my eyes obviously terrified of my reaction. Unable to hold my gaze she turned her eyes to the wooden floor. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw John dancing with a group of girls.

“New years eve,” she answered. I nodded, upset that she had kept this from me for so long. “Lyla.” She grabbed my arm, but I shook her off.

“I’m leaving now with Tom. I’m not angry with you, Sarah; I’m just upset that you didn’t tell me, I thought we never ever kept secrets from each other. I was wrong.” I finished and walked away, ignoring Sarah’s calls after me.

Tom was waiting at the door. “Find Sarah?” he asked. I nodded solemnly. “Hey, what’s up?”

I took his hand. “I’ll explain on the way.”

He draped his coat over my shoulders and we braved the February ice.

The bell for break rang through the small Spanish classroom and everyone began packing away.

“Remember to look over your notes on Mi Casa because it will definitely come up in you GCSE paper,” Miss Neoma informed us, before her petite body was lost in a cloud of black and white uniformed kids.

I crammed my pencil case and Spanish book into my Nike bag and followed Sarah out of the room.

“See, two lessons down and it hasn’t been too bad,” Sarah muttered to me. I nodded then pointed down M corridor, where the girls’ toilets were.

“I’m really busting for the loo. It’s one of my new things,” I commented, raising an eyebrow. Sarah understood, so we headed in that direction.

Inside the toilets a group of year ten and eleven girls were sat by the sinks smoking. The stench seemed worse than usual today. They were chatting about some boy; I shuffled past them and sought out a cubicle. Their conversation drifted under my door:

“Oi, Sarah, you were at that Johns birthday, weren’t you, you know, the one with the green eyes?” one girl was saying.

“Er…yeah, that was a while ago…why?”

“Well apparently a lot went down that night.” That was Tasha, gossip queen of year eleven and the biggest rat of them all. I flushed the toilet and couldn’t hear what was being said.

Emerging from my cubicle, they all fell silent. I studied Sarah’s reflection in the mirror as I washed my hands. She was dying to say something.

“Lyla, would you mind if I …” she faltered, glancing at the packet of Marlboros next to the sink.

“I’ll wait outside,” I replied, knowing what she meant. As the blue door closed on the toilets I heard Tasha say, “You don’t have to ask her for permission before you have a fag. Who does she think she is?”

Sighing, and wishing gravely that I had never bothered to come in, I lowered myself onto one of the concrete steps that led upstairs.

“Haven’t seen you in a while,” said a voice from behind me. My whole body froze. The hairs on my arms stood on end, I could tell even though I was wearing a thick jumper. My brain searched for a quirky remark to make but all I could focus on was the sound of my rapidly beating heart. It was Tom. He sat down next to me, while I just stared straight ahead. I contemplated getting up and moving away, but that would just make me look weak.

“We have boring Brown next. The worst English teacher around,” he continued. I could tell he was trying to make small talk; the next topic would probably be the weather.

“What do you want?” My voice was quiet and deeper than usual, it sounded odd. I felt him shift nervously next to me.

“I want to talk,” he said more seriously.

“Well I don’t,” I retorted and I did a brave thing; I turned to face him. There it was. The dark floppy hair, little pointed nose, droplets of freckles and those eyes. Those damn green eyes.

“Come on Lyla.”

“Oh, don’t you ‘come on’ me,” I hissed, standing up to face him.

“Lyla, I just want to talk-’’

“Well, why should I talk to you? Your mother made it very clear what she thought of me. What was it she said? Oh, Thomas, I don’t want you involved with some knocked up sixteen year old,” I whispered venomously.

Tom ran his fingers through his hair. “I can’t vouch for my mum. She was in shock, that’s all I’m gonna say.”

I backed down the stairs to the floor, shaking my head. “I was in shock too.”

He stood up and walked over to me, his eyes fixed confidently on mine.

“After school today,” he continued. “At Easy Beanz, we’ll just talk.” Tom seeked out my hand. I stared down at our hands and, with a lot of effort, pulled mine away.

“No, I have a doctor’s appointment,” I said finally, deciding that I would attend the appointment without even realising it. The bell rang, prompting Sarah to leave the toilets.

“Shall we-’’ she stopped when she saw Tom.

“Let’s go,” I said and we walked up the stairs, leaving him at the bottom.


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PostPosted: Tue Apr 03, 2007 6:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

How how how how HOW did i miss part two?!?! *goes to read it*. Ok i am back Very Happy.

Rightyho, First things first, i LOVE this, ohhh yess i do! I love how you have made your characters so real, I still like Tom, i think he will pull through and help Lyla out, but who knows i may be wrong.

I wont go through spellings and grammer right now, im sure someone else will do that becuase im much more interested in the actual story. I love the theme, im dying to know what she will do, and whats going to happen at this doctors appointment. Can you PM when you post another bit? Just so as i dont miss it again Very Happy

thanks!
Miyaviloves
x

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 08, 2007 4:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

post part four Sad

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 08, 2007 8:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lol...It's gonna be at least a week......soz.

I'll try and get it done soon......

Thanks,
Alainna
xxxxx

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2007 9:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
This was what I had been dreading. This was what had kept me awake night after night. And this was the conversation I had been avoiding.

It seems like these sentences should be combined, but if it's meant for dramatic effect (which I think it is...) then it works. It depends on the desired effect.

Quote:
it’s nearly half nine.”

Half passed? nine???

Quote:
I hissed, standing up to face him.

at this point he was sitting next to her, so she wouldn't have to stand up.


Oppsie! I haven't read these in a while, time for me to get caught up! hehe. Anywho, I really liked this part, your writing especially. It has a lot of emotion, and kept me intrested throughout the entire peice.

Yeah, I can't really make any more suggestions about writing stuff, it's all perfect (or very close to being so =D)

Keep up the good work, I look forward to reading more!!!!!

-JC

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 2:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
“It doesn’t matter. It’s your body that you’re ruining,” I remarked. I could feel the happiness leave my body, all the excitement that had built up just vanish.
Great forshadowing! I love the use of the word "vanish" compared to the bar of soap he used which made her happiness rise. nice!

Quote:
“Well, why should I talk to you? Your mother made it very clear what she thought of me. What was it she said? Oh, Thomas, I don’t want you involved with some knocked up sixteen year old,” I whispered venomously.
Ouch! Tom got the cold shoulder!

Gotta say, lovin it!
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 05, 2007 6:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes! I knew it! She's pregnant! I think this is a really cool story. Please update it soon.
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 8:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The way this is written is brilliant, all I can say.

Also I love the flashbacks.

I'm reading it and everything seems so real, way to capture the reader!

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consider rephrasing
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 14, 2007 3:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lol, it seems that I am in a better situation that the previous critters? I don’t have to wiat os long for the next installments, do I? Yay. And I see that this part is a tad bit longer.

Quote:
“The appointment is at five, please think about.”
You forgot about ‘it’, I think.

Quote:
I watched her for a second then rushed out the house.

Comma before ‘then’.

Quote:
It was quite funny especially when Will didn’t get the hint, so Tilly lost her temper and slapped him round the face.

The whole sentence is unclear form a grammar’s POV, consider rephrasing.

Quote:
Turning my attention back to my boyfriend I asked where we could go if we left.

Comma needed up there.

Quote:
“Remember to look over your notes on Mi Casa because it will definitely come up in you GCSE paper,” Miss Neoma informed us, before her petite body was lost in a cloud of black and white uniformed kids.

Comma before ‘because’. And the tag doesn’t seem right, somehow… Consider rephrasing?


Praise must be given for repeating the “What?”. Very nice, adds atmosphere and links the separated parts. But, I suppose, that’s only for the benefit of YWSers, yes? Also, I see that the flashback/retrospection issue has been taken care of. Good - it look way better the way it is now.

I will, however, repeat what I said when I critted part 1: I think you should generally add more detail. If not description, truthfully which I think your piece is fine with as much as it currently has, then you need to tell us more about what Lyla feels. While the change of voice between now and the retrospection is obvious, emphasizing that fact wouldn’t hurt anyone. But back to the emotions. Tell us what she feels. Lyla is going through a traumatic experience - again, emphasize that a bit more. Bring tears to my eyes, not because of what she is under, but because Lyla is Lyla. And while we’re at it - the part when she is deciding if she should go with him to his house - make her a bit more undecided. Right now it’s like she has two choices, says what they are, tries to make the choice appear hard, but without no ado whastover chooses option B.

Also, Sarah’s smoking for two months and Lyla hasn’t noticed? Not the tiniest bit?

Other than a few errors with commas, and what I said above, everything’s fine.

Anyway, happy that I don’t have to wait,
Emse

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 10:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm....wow. A lot happening. On part to I had a hunch she was pregnant.
I liked how you have written all of this so far.
I like how you go from scene to scene (from past to present). I am really excited about this story.
Keep writing! I am so glad I don't have to wait to read the next part.

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 10:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

“What?!” I screamed. [I think that the question mark is sufficient as the tag indicates the tone of voice used. Using double punctuation really irritates me lately. It looks a tad unprofessional and immediately brings 'teenage drama' to mind.]

“Lyla? Lyla? Lyla?! [Here, I think the eclamation mark is enough. It shows the increase in volume perfectly.] Are you ready?” Sarah had walked off without me as I stood worrying a few meters from the gate. [This is telling. Show it instead. Maybe something like 'I looked up to see that Sarah was ahead, almost at the gate. I had stopped walking, abandoned in my thoughts and anxiety.']

I passed by a group of John's older mates, sixth formers who were smoking in the corner.

“Oi, Sarah, you were at that John's birthday, weren’t you, you know, the one with the green eyes?” one girl was saying. [You need to show how this makes Lyla feel. Does her heart skip a beat, does she feel angry, outraged, upset, nervous and scared in case they find out she was one of them? Embarressed?]

Tom seeked sought out my hand. I stared down at our hands entwined fingers and, with a lot of effort, pulled mine away.

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I love the contrast between relationships in the flash-back and the present, it's really effective in showing us how the character has developed. I'm not sure what to make of Tom yet. He seems nice but the way she reacts to him suggests something else, something the reader doesn't know yet. I look forward to finding out the full story.

As for writing, I think you need to split some of the paragraphs up a little - aim for eight to sixteen lines for each paragraph if that helps but don't be afraid to have some shorter and some longer if it would be more appropriate, if for example your subject or scene changes after eighteen lines. Also, add some finer description. You plor is moving quite quickly at the moment and I think you could afford to slow it down a touch and take some time to really go into how she's feeling. Is she close to tears when she leaves Tom? Is she maybe starting to cry in fact? Some people get really weepy while pregnant as well as snappy.

Try to develop Sarah's personality just a little more and don't bring too many main characters in at once. Hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Smile Beautiful.

Quote:
Inside the toilets a group of year ten and eleven girls were sat by the sinks smoking.

I dont think you need this were.

That's all I could see Smile

Yay! On to part 4 lol.

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PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 5:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I had managed to avoid mum after our screaming match.


Screaming match? If mum "continued calmly" and "muttered under her breath", the only one screaming would be Lyla, right?


The flashback part is still not clear enough. The beginning is luckily in italics, but we can't still see where it ends, though I'm sure we all can make the conclusion.

Quote:
From New Years Eve,”


Quote:
Tom was waiting at the door. “Find Sarah?” he asked. I nodded solemnly. “Hey, what’s up?”


Start a new line after "door" and "solemnly".


Quote:
a sixteenyearold


I added dashes.


Quote:
“Oi, Sarah, you were at that Johns birthday, weren’t you, you know, the one with the green eyes?”


It doesn't feel realistic that anyone would call someone "the one with green eyes". Rather "the one with blond hair" or something. After all, the colour of people's eyes isn't usually very noticeable thing.

There are still a fair lot of punctuation mistakes, but the story is enjoyable. Aw, I feel bad for poor Tom Sad Of course, Lyla's situation isn't that enviable, either... Anyway, thanks for writing a story so catchy I'll be definitely reading on!



Demeter xx

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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 11:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Alainna,

This was a lovely piece, and already I can see your writing improving. The flashback is working very well, a great build up. At the moment though, I can only really see Lyla and Tom coming out, perhaps some other characters need some work. For example, Sarah is very weak at the moment, she just seems to be there and hasn’t played a particularly significant role as of yet.

Something else I loved was that we know full well what is going to happen at Tom’s house but since the plot is limited here, I will reiterate what I have said before, emotions! Do your best to work on emotions and thoughts—we are always thinking, so what of? When Lyla catches Sarah, does she feel betrayed? Angry? Also, I still don’t have a clear idea of what she looks like, something quite common in first person stories.

Not much more to say here though—keep writing! I noticed I have done a lot of nitpicks so far, which I can imagine aren’t really that useful… a year on, but I think what I have said still applies.




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