Topic ID: 12560
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miyaviloves
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 Posted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 7:37 pm Post subject: Publication one |
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Right well, I keep wanting to write a poem so, i did. I would appreciate some useful feedback on this, please if you don't like it just put 'scrap it' because that isn't getting me anywhere, tell me whats right and wrong then i can hopefully improve 
Miyaviloves
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
It’s 9.42
Yet the frost on the windows
Still cracks under your
Nails.
The roots of your hair greying
In winter.
Your cracked lips burning sweet
Words into my ear
Yet your breath on my neck speaks of
Nothing.
Clench your fists
Make tongues bleed.
It’s 8.38
The sun is floating in the
Sky full of birds.
Candy dances bitter kisses
Spring in their smile
Yours and mine.
Popping balloons , Sugar
Laces, bursting flavour
Sticky honey on
My finger tips
This time
We spent together. |
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HeadInTheClouds
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| Posted: Tue Jan 09, 2007 12:55 am Post subject: |
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| I've never read a poem quite like that before, but I really liked it. I'm not quite sure what you meant by the numbers, though. |
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Sohini
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| Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 10:37 am Post subject: |
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this is surely a complicated poem with a strange flow.
the timing should have continued for all the stanzas or none at all.
the choice of words too is a bit too uncanny and i don't exactly like the way you've split the last words of some sentences into new lines. i think that interupts the flow.
two more vital things—you need to punctuate your work and you need to give your poem a suitable and interesting title.
i don't mean to sound rude or anything or discourage you, so keep writing. |
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lightofmeridian
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| Posted: Wed Jan 17, 2007 1:49 am Post subject: |
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| Wow, this is something I have never heard before. It is a really good poem, it must have taken a while to write. There is no punctuation though. Try adding some, and I agree, a better title would be nice |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Thu Jan 18, 2007 3:28 am Post subject: |
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I... think it was interesting but a lot of the lines didn't make sense.
It almost got to the point where I felt like you were just jumbling stuff together, i couldn't really get anything out of it.
One big suggestion, since you say your new to poetry, is to read a lot of poetry! My second, since you started out writing a poem like this, is always be aware of your reader. You want to make them feel something, you don't just want to tell them something. |
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miyaviloves
Love me less but love me a long time.
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| Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 6:29 pm Post subject: |
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Thankyou all for your comments. I was uncreative with the title, its just what it said for my word document so i was like ahhh use that for now lol. About the punctuation, i will work on that asap.
I'm not sure why i wrote this sort of 'detached' its not how i would write it now, i guess it was just the mood i was in at the moment.
Thanks for taking your time to read it |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Sat Jan 20, 2007 8:02 am Post subject: |
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I don't know. It's kind of strange. Stanzas 1 & 3 and stanzas 2 and 4 go together with style, but stanzas 1 & 2 and stanzas 3 & 4 go together. It's not bad... just bizarre. I think I would probably want to have two different poems; one about spring and one about winter. And I think the transition between winter and spring could be done a little bit better.
Anyway, hope that helps! I realize that's a little abstract, so if you have any questions, just PM me. |
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Fabien
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| Posted: Sun Apr 08, 2007 1:07 pm Post subject: |
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Hello, this was one of the first dozen poems that I read on this website, and I want you to know that I thoroughly enjoyed it then and even more so now.
Love how it's so bizarre and abstract, you can't have perfectly structured poetry all the time, that's when it just gets boring, we need more like these to kick it up a bit.
You see, when I read a piece like this and go and try and find more poetry written by you and my search ends up with null, I grow sad because I feel like I need more of this type of poetry, but it's so unique and I can't find it elsewhere... Why don't you write more, like this?
Not only did I take the time to read it, I'm going to come back and read it again in the future, multiple times.
Write more poetry!
- Fabien |
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