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Leoni
by Leoni in Fantasy Fiction |
This thread was created on April 5, 2007
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Curlicues and Pirouettes
Topic ID: 14830
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Junior Writer
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 Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 4:36 pm Post subject: Curlicues and Pirouettes |
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And with her artists' tool she scribed
Her masterpiece of art
The curlicues and pirouettes
bleeding from her heart
With unknown grace
The ink seeped out
But never too too much
She could stop,
she knew she could
Control the gentle touch
But magic she could never grasp
Grew from her painter's brush
It knew her pain like no one else
And in it she could trust
And with a shush it killed her screams
When she realized what was done
Panic lasts an eternity
......But hadn't it been fun?
Go ahead, be mean. I don't think this is any good anyways. |
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Sumi H. Inkblot
it's called duality
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| Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:29 pm Post subject: |
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It flows very smoothly, except for here:
"With unknown grace/The ink seeped out/But never too too much/She could stop,/she knew she could/Control the gentle touch"
That is too choppy, it makes the rest of the poem feel...iffy 
I would suggest, SUGGEST, mind you:
"With gentle grace/the ink did flow/ blossoms of words on the pale face/ the words hers to watch and grow"
oooor something or other like that 
The only other gripe is the last stanza.
| Quote: |
And with a shush it killed her screams
When she realized what was done
Panic lasts an eternity
......But hadn't it been fun? |
The last line. It doesn't flow with the rest.
"But from that, she could not run" sounds better
~Sumi |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 12:21 am Post subject: |
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I don't know how mean I can be... I actually liked this. It flows nicely, great rhyme, and I love the idea of a paint brush doing pirouettes across paper. However, the storyline confused me a bit. This is my impression of the poem's story:
1st and 2nd stanza: Girl is passionate about painting.
3rd stanza: Painting takes her mind of some kind of trouble or tragedy in her life.
4th stanza: Um... what? Panic? "Killed her screams?" Did she commit suicide? What happened...
I think the last stanza needs clarification.
And wait... was she a painter or a writer? or both? In the first stanza, the word "scribed" definitely makes me think of writing, but then you say "Grew from her painter's brush."
Basically, this poem puzzled me a bit, but I enjoyed it; the style is lovely and the story intriguing. With some revision it could be very powerful.
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iQuippie
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| Posted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 3:53 pm Post subject: |
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I love the fact that I don't know what's goin' on! XD
I absolutely love the first stanza; the second was pretty good... it sort of went downhill after that, though. But that's really just my opinion.
Props for being very original and having an awesome title. Oh yeah, and props for the sheer madness! *evil smile*
Okay, so I loved it
You should write more.
--Quippie |
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| This thread was created on April 5, 2007 |
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