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Suzanne
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 Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 4:52 am Post subject: Black Water |
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Black Water
I tangle myself in the net of life
while trying not to drown in its waters.
I tread waves weakly, tied down by anchors
made of memories: forgotten, or not.
I neither sink, nor swim, in black water.
Will a gracious hand try to pluck me out
of death’s sea, only to find I have stopped
breathing too soon? Why didn’t you see me
drifting out? The current took my body
away. I now float upon my torture.
---
I'm not sure what I think of it. I hope it expresses well, and that the continuous metaphor wasn't too overused. All comments appreciated. |
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Last edited by Suzanne on Fri Apr 06, 2007 12:10 am; edited 4 times in total |
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Riedawriter23
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 5:00 am Post subject: |
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I love this poem. It means so much and in so little words. It has a "deep" feeling to it, as I already told you. I also love your word pictures, I can imagine it both in a visual and logical sense. Great job!
Keep at it!
~Rieda |
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Mad
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 7:46 am Post subject: |
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It's a nice piece and creates some very strong visual images. The first stanza does that very well, one problem I spotted in it was
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| I sink, nor swim, in this panicked ocean. |
"I sink, nor swim" I think your missing a word in here, or a bit of an edit if its talking about just sinking and not swimming (but I think it's the former).
The last line of the poem ends it very powerfully, making it an unforgettable poem.
The only think, for me, was the way that the lines all flowed onto each other. It made it a bit choppy to read (choppy like the seas? If that was your intention).
Great imagery, interesting piece. |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 8:53 pm Post subject: |
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Rieda> Thanks for always being so generous in your comments 
Mad> "I sink, nor swim..." I'm not sure sure that I am missing a word? Although "I don't sink, nor swim" does sounds better, now that I look at it? I'll have to see if I can change that line, thank you for pointing it out. Was that the word I was missing?
The choppy lines may be a result from the fact that I tend to write with both rhythm and rhyme, here I stuck only to rhythm, but even then I kept with my beloved ten syllables, for ten lines. The sentences also flowed from line to line, which could have been a problem; if anyone else mentions this as being more of a deterrent than a good affect (I could just pretend I did it on purpose  ) then I'll have to find some way to change it.
I'm glad you liked it, both of you. Thanks for the comments; I'll find some way to change the sink/swim line... |
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Poor Imp
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| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 9:03 pm Post subject: |
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'Lo Clau,
Aside from the poem on the whole, your asterisked line ought to read either, 1) 'I neither sink, nor swim' or alternately, 2) 'I don't sink, don't swim.'
Neither is followed by nor - but 'nor' is grammatically out of place without it.
(Perhaps later, I'll have a few moments to make something like a critique, rather than well-applied grammar divorced from thoughtful criticism. ^_^)
IMP |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2007 1:56 am Post subject: |
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The much debated grammar of the line was changed, and I think I like it better this way.
Still hoping to receive more feedback, though. (One can never be too criticized  ) Thanks to everyone, and IMP for the grammar, for critiquing. |
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Armadian
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| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2007 9:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Riedawriter23 wrote: |
I love this poem. It means so much and in so little words. It has a "deep" feeling to it, as I already told you. I also love your word pictures, I can imagine it both in a visual and logical sense. Great job!
Keep at it!
~Rieda |
It does have a really 'deep' feeling about it. You linked the words together just right and I don't see anything wrong with it.
Good job! |
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Dream Deep
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| Posted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:03 pm Post subject: |
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Forgive me for taking so long to get to this, Till - still juggling a few pieces to crit, but I thought I'd get to yours first so I don't forget. This is brilliant, seriously. I can only echo what nearly everyone else has said. You've really got something here, Till, and it's beautiful in a dark way; love the extended metaphors. You should submit this somewhere; this really has a great chance. It's simply beautiful. (Don't know what we're going to do with you: you're good at writing taboo poetry, you're good at writing melancholy poetry, you're good at writing short stories and novel chapters. You don't need to be harassed to write more, you need to give the rest of us some of your writerly talent.) ^_^
Also, forgive me if I repeat anyone that someone else said. I haven't read all of the comments the whole way through.
--
And now for a few suggestions:
I tangled myself in the net of life
while trying not to drown in its waters.
I tread waves weakly, tied down by anchors
made of memories: forgotten, or not.
I neither sink, nor swim, in black water.
[The repetition of 'water' in the second and last lines is very effective because it reinforces the basis of your entire metaphor throughout: life to the sea, anchors to memories, etc. Only one thing you might want to look at, and this is in the tense-shift. In the first line, 'tangled' is past - yet in the third line, 'tread' is present (and the tense stays present form thereon out. It's a barely noticeable shift, but it is there nontheless. In order to maintain the rhythm of the piece, I think your best best would be to convert the first line's 'tangled' to merely tangle. That way you neither lose nor gain syllables to throw off the beat.]
Will a gracious hand try to pluck me out
of death's sea, only to find I have stopped
breathing too soon? Why didn't you see me
drifting out? The current took my body
away. I now float upon my torture.
[Still great on the poetry, Till. ^_^ Another suggestion, here, just for the sake of flow. You might want to consider adding 'that' into the second line, so that it reads, 'of death's sea, only to find that I have stopped'. ... and so on. The rhetorical questions are wonderfully placed. One last note on flow, at the end: throughout this stanza your syntax is rather long and lyrical, so that the ending shorter sentence seems a bit out of place. Perhaps you might combine it with the one that precedes it? As in - 'The current took my body away, and now I float upon my torture.']
But these are all small suggestions, Till, you really blew me away with this. I told you it was lovely over IM and I'll tell it here again, because I truly think this was the most inspired, clear and beautiful of all the poetry you've posted. I'm awed by this.
Now go write. XD
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(Critted for the CCF) |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 12:10 am Post subject: |
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*dies in amazement*
You know, I'm shocked xD Thank you dreamy! Am I really that good? You all know I don't truly believe that. No, no, no, no, me, good? hah. lol.
The tense thing: I put it out of tense, it was originally present, but it felt weird to me, mostly because I couldn't put "tread" in the past tense. Treaded? Ew. But that's easy to change, so, will do.
As for the other comments, I'll take a look at them (when I have more than this moment) but those are always hard to change since I'm a lover of rhythm and each line is ten syllables. Adding a word here, or there, screws me up xD So I may/may not take those suggestions.
Anyhow, I am blown away by your so lovely words. Are you sure you aren't tripping on some drug?  |
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Dream Deep
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| Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 9:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Quite sure. ^_~ Compliments = chicken soup for the soul. Don't shirk away from them when you deserve them, Till. |
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Electric Tangerine
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| Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 11:15 pm Post subject: |
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Your first stanza is amazing! I like how it's not "I'm tangled in the net of life" which I'm afraid would be terribly overused and abused if the emo kids ever got to it...I like how it's your own fault, not many poets admit their faults *Thumbs up* The second stanza feels sort of uneven, jerky, disjointed. Not so sure why, but I think it has to do with the way the lines are separated and where the sentences end, it feels awkward to have them in the middle
-tangerine -in awe- |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 11:32 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks Tangerine! I have a question though.
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| The second stanza feels sort of uneven, jerky, disjointed. Not so sure why, but I think it has to do with the way the lines are separated and where the sentences end, it feels awkward to have them in the middle |
I think your the second, or third, to point something out like this; but is it bad? |
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Electric Tangerine
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| Posted: Fri Apr 06, 2007 11:51 pm Post subject: |
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see, that's the part I can't decide...it might just be that I'm not used to it so i think it's weird. Personally: I don't like it. But in general, I don't know...so basically the only reason I brought it up was because the first stanza didn't have that interruptive jouncy feel that the second one did, it was like they were two different poems with the same theme. I really like your imagery and how clear it comes across, but it feels like the flow got a little interrupted, and especially since it's about water, I (personally) don't think that you should create the uncertainty. Water is very flowing, even when turbulent, and it doesn't just stop or jump. I think having the sentences end mid line gives it a cut off feeling that is detrimental to your overall poem because it doesn't fit in. Although I could see where ending sentences mid line in a different poem would actually further the poem's cause. Does that help you?
-EDIT-I just read it a third time and I can sort of feel how ending them there sort of pushes you along, around to the next line, like waves in a tide, push you gently forward, then back, then forward...but it really depends on how you read it. So to get that the first time, I'd DEFINITELY would have had to have someone read it aloud. If in this context, I like it used.
-sorry I'm fickle sometimes-
-tangerine |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 12:21 am Post subject: |
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Hee.
I think I'll leave it as is, simply because it is creating room for interpretation, and I always like confusing people. But thank you for the comments. The last line in the last stanza, how the final sentence is all on its own, I am trying to fix it, only I can't think of how without ruining the rhythm, but I think if I found a way to fix that, it may help.
Thanks for the comments All are very appreciated. |
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Chandni
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| Posted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 4:39 am Post subject: |
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You have some nice descriptions here indeed, as pointed out before the first line is utterly intresting and adds a boost.
The last line of the first stanza bothered me for a while, I was trying to figure out why you used "neither" here. To my opinion using "don't" could sound better.
I like the questions you've questioned in the last stanza, powerfull. I found I had to change the italic part for some reason, just a suggestion.
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Will a gracious hand try to pluck me out
of death's sea, only to find myself stop
inhaling too soon?.Why didn't you see me
drifting out? The current took my body |
Nice ending
Overall nice read
Cheerios, Chandni
away. I now float upon my torture. |
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