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Middle school and high school
Middle school and high school
by myfreindsavamp in Storybooks
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This thread was created on March 16, 2007
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Thoughts of Jack

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Alanna   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 16, 2007 10:20 pm    Post subject: Thoughts of Jack Reply with quote

The world's turning dark

The word's turning cold

For Jack Sparrow has gone overboard

I saw him last

I ordered the blast

The world's turning dark

The word's turning cold

For Jack Sparrow has gone overboard

I met him first

I saw him at his worst

We are his crew, now what will we do

The world's turning dark

The word's turning cold

For Jack Sparrow has gone overboard

I freed him

He freed me

Now we must set him free

The world's turning dark

The word's turning cold

For Jack Sparrow has gone overboard

I met my father,because of him

I got advice

I got to be in a sword fight

He set us free from the Medallions glow

The world's turning dark

The word's turning cold

For Captain Jack Sparrow has gone overboard

We'll remember him through and through,for we are his noble crew

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Last edited by Alanna on Sat Mar 17, 2007 9:51 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Ofour   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2007 11:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
The poem itself is very choppy, you have a lot of short sentences which I don't think work very well.

Gurby

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Last edited by Ofour on Sun Mar 18, 2007 1:45 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Alanna   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2007 8:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Imagine them say this and you'll have my point of view.
Thank You,
Alanna

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Shafter   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2007 9:42 pm    Post subject: Re: Thoughts of Jack Reply with quote
Good start, 'Lanna! I actually like the short sentences; it creates a feel. And of course I like anything to do with Pirates. Wink

I think it would be better, though, if you limited the point of view a little. Sometimes it's from the point of view of the crew, other times Will. It'd read smoother if you made it from one point of view or the other.

Next, punctuation. I think the poem would flow faster if you took away the punctuation marks at the end of each line, like this:

Alanna wrote:
The world's turning dark
The word's turning cold
For Jack Sparrow has gone overboard
I saw him last
I ordered the blast

...and so on.

Also, remember that you always put a space after a comma!

Quote:
I met my father,because of him

There's no comma here.

Quote:
He set us free from the Medallions glow

"Medallions" shouldn't be capitalized and there's an apostrophe somewhere. If it's one medallion, put the apostrophe before the S (medallion's), if more than one, after (medallions').

Yeah, like I said, good start! Let me know when you revise it, okay?

Cheers! ~Shafter

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 04, 2007 9:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Good poem, buddy-ol'-pal.

I agree that the poem does not flow. I'm not too good with poems, so correct me if I'm wrong or if I'm missing something. There is no set rhythm. It's all over the place. There are short lines and there are long lines. Try to get a happy medium, hm?

Other than that, it's pretty sweet!

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This thread was created on March 16, 2007

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