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In the Light Of.
In the Light Of.
by KnightlyAngel09 in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on March 31, 2007
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Natures magic

Topic ID: 14638
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Alanna   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 01, 2007 1:22 am    Post subject: Natures magic Reply with quote

Child of the wilderness,

A magic only you can control,

Animals come to you

Saving Tortall comes easily to you

Kings, mages, and knights all call you friend.

Dark magic is your lover.

For you are the Daine the wild mage.

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Mad   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 01, 2007 2:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Tortall, Tortall. Is this off Tamora Pierce's thing? I think I can see the connection, and I guess your name would make sense then - Alanna Lionheart?

Well anyways now to a crit.

"Animals come to you" I think you need a full stop at the end of it.

"For you are the Daine the wild mage." I think you also need a comma in this sentence, "For you are the Daine, the wild mage."

The poem is well worded, but lacks a bit of punch, so to speak. I think that you should find a way to make that last line more striking. The use of either a rhyme(internal, or otherwise), alliteration etc would add more to the ending.

Daine? Fairly sure this is Tamora pierce now. Immortals series?

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Alanna   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

67
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 142
Reviews: 67
Country: formerly of Alderaan and now residing on Corellia
300 Points
PostPosted: Sun Apr 01, 2007 2:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
right on all accounts.

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This thread was created on March 31, 2007

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