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Watching Windows - Chapter 16
Watching Windows - Chapter 16

by CastlesInTheSky in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on March 22, 2007
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Bird's Eye
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 22, 2007 9:32 pm    Post subject: Bird's Eye Reply with quote

The bird spread its wings and flew. That familiar sensation washed over it once more, but the creature was impervious to it. The act of flying was as common and everyday as walking was to humans, Homo sapiens, those creatures of the earth. This avian was a beast of the sky, however. The ground was for prey. The earth bred the rats, the moles, and, most importantly, fish. She was the life-giver and mother to the sky. Soil; the laboring worker. Wind; the free-spirited child.

Its feathers adjusting minutely to accommodate for the turbulence, the osprey caught a thermal rising up off the side of an office building. It turned sharply and headed west, towards its nest. The lake glimmered ahead in the distance, offering a stunning parallel to the artificial towers opposite. A few boats drifting on the water's surface could be seen, bobbing gently in the breeze. The osprey took little notice of the details; its brain was not developed to appreciate beauty. It processed this information spatially, but not aesthetically.

Letting the thermal lift it to an adequate height, the bird glided towards the lake, allowing gravity to work its magic. Unlike the creatures of the ground, winged beasts used and manipulated gravity, using its force and converting it into distance. The sun gleamed off the osprey's feathers, illuminating its back. Its scowling face was adorned by a black mask, highlighting its cold, unfeeling eyes. But these dark feathers' actual purpose was more practical, reducing the glare of the sun upon the osprey's eyes. Spotting the tree in which it nested, the bird alighted upon a branch with ease.

The clouds to the north were foreboding, casting a shadow upon that section of the city. Humidity hung in the air. Thunder could be heard in the distance, drowning out the noise of the streets. The humans knew rain was coming. Planning accordingly, they changed their appointments and updated their calendars. Children playing outside soon were called in by their mothers. Weatherman forecast a downpour, with possible hail. Beasts other than men, too, retreated to their shelters. Bears returned to their caves and moles to their tunnels. Thus, most creatures returned to their respective lairs; most creatures, but not the osprey.

Pushing off from the branch, the osprey swept its eyes over surface of the lake. It circled the water and keenly observed the ripples below it. Gazing, watching, waiting for a creature of the water to betray itself. Moving towards the shore, the boats on the lake retreated. They would be back, but they did not like the rain. All the better, for they scared away the fish with their ugly noises.

Movement! A ripple of water, and a swiftly-moving beast below it. The osprey bore down upon the area, fighting the ever-increasing wind, carefully adjusting every feather and muscle, doing what it was born to do. Its talons grasped at the air, hungry for flesh, ready to squeeze life out of something. The bird hit the water, grabbing a scaly body that squirmed and thrashed. The fish weighted down its captor, pulling the osprey halfway underwater. But the swimmer was the prey; the flier, predator. Flapping its wings furiously, the avian pulled up, splashing water as it rose. Positioning the fish to face forward, the osprey drove its claws into the frail body, effectively ending its life. The danger had not passed yet, however. The sky was safer than the ground, but it was still fraught with hazards. Especially so when carrying food; competitors roamed the clouds.

The osprey wheeled around in the air, locating its nesting spot. It propelled itself forward, still managing to look graceful in spite of the heavy load it was carrying. A rain drop hit its wing. Thunder was heard once more, but this time, it was closer. The osprey returned to its nest and began to feast while the storm rolled in.

Rain was the enemy of the sky. It purged the air, and cast everything to the ground. During a storm, the gods Lightning and Thunder ruled cruelly. Deafening cracks resounded throughout the air, deafening to humans, yes, but even more so to the sensitive hearing of the osprey. By now, the boats on the lake had disappeared, and hail was beginning to come down. The bird clutched desperately to its branch as wind pushed the tree to and fro. With every roar of thunder and flash of lightning, the bird resolved to hang on ever longer. The survival instinct was strong: life was survival, survival was life. The purpose of life was, indeed, to be alive.

It was a long night.

Morning broke as the last of the storm melted away. The lake was full to the brim, as was the river winding out of it. The air was fresh and new, and men walked the streets, traveling to their respective working quarters. Everyone in the city had survived the storm. So, too, had the osprey. The bird would live another three years.

Its death came about on a sunny day, a gentle breeze present in the air. It was migrating southward with its fellow ospreys. A steady flapping of the wings kept them aloft, their soft calls reverberating throughout the area. But this beauty was not to last. A hunter had his sights trained upon it from the ground. With a weapon, he reached out from the earth and into the sky, and brought down a prize. It sounded so much like thunder. Except this time, there was no tree to hide in. The osprey fell, tumbling through the air, while its group progressed onwards without it. Not once did the bird's family feel sorrow for its death, nor could they. They were just beasts, and they were not truly alive.

Not alive in the sense that they pitied, or felt, or wondered, or dreamed. Wholly a gear in the large mechanism of the world, they chugged along with steadfastness, their one goal, survival. Survival for what, though? Survival for the sake of friendship? There was no friendship. Survival for the sake of joy? They could not truly experience joy. Then what? Survival for pain? Oh, there was pain. But without that essential element, an element which, perhaps, only humans possess, what was life? Isn't life in the living?

Perhaps not. For these birds, life was for life. But though they did not know it, they contributed more. They, along with the other beasts, contributed everything. Together they worked in harmony, and gave life not to themselves, but to the world. Working as one, earth and sky and water were joined together in an intricate web, greater than the sum of its parts. And further still, they contributed to man. Without the world, man was nothing. But in the same way, without man, the world was a blot of ink on a page, a page in the book of life. In unity, however, they became a page, and in time, a whole book unto themselves.

The life of this bird was not in vain. Together with its brothers, it gave more than any of them could give alone. This one osprey was but a single thread, but with all the plants and animals of past and present, they were a magnificent tapestry; the tapestry of life.


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Last edited by Prokaryote on Sun Feb 24, 2008 2:56 am; edited 5 times in total
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 5:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Together with its brothers, they gave more than any of them could give alone.

When you say 'together with its ...' you have to say 'it did' not 'they did' because, though you mention that it is not alone, 'it' is your subject. This doesn't fit with the rest of your sentence so you'll need to rephrase, because the way it is written now doesn't sound right.
Also I deduce that you are an American. I am assuming this because you have spelt spacially 'spatially'. Am I right?
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 4:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've not forgotten the crit, Shest, never fear. ^_~ Life seems to be getting in the way of my actually typing one up. I'm going to try to get it posted for you this evening, though - if I can manage it, I'll edit it into this post for you.

Sorry again, for how long it's taking.
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 7:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love this. Short, meaningful, AND interesting. I love your analogies and your description is excellent. I was just reading your sentences over and over, they had so much meaning in so little words and you did a whole story consisting of them. It was also very different from others. A life meaning, I really wasn't expecting that, but I liked it. Great job on this.



Keep it up!
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 8:08 pm    Post subject: Response Reply with quote

Aye, don't worry about it DD, take your time.

bkwrm: Actually, I originally spelled it "spacially," until Mozilla's spell-checker told me to change it, ha. So I did what any good writer does, submit to the spell-check. Wink "Spacially" does makes more sense though.

Rieda: Thanks! Very Happy I'm glad you liked it.

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 29, 2007 12:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love it. No really, I do.
You see the life as, indeed, an osprey would see it, if they just didnt think 000000000.
I couldn't see any grammar problems, but then, I'm not the one to ask for finding those.

I think too much....

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 7:43 pm    Post subject: wow... Reply with quote

“A few boats drifting on the water's surface could be seen,” this could be reversed. It would sound better. Something like “A few boats could be seen, drifting on the water’s surface…”

“its brain was not developed to appreciate beauty” you just said all this detail about the earth and the sky. Where did that come from if not the bird? All that poetry is wasted then…

“Its scowling face was adorned by a black mask, highlighting its cold, unfeeling eyes” this is very good. Well done!

“Humidity hung in the air. Thunder could be heard in the distance, drowning out the noise of the streets.” You could just put that into one sentence. It would sound better.

“Pushing off from the branch, the osprey's eyes swept the surface of the lake.” You never said the osprey landed on the branch in the first place. Last time you mentioned her, she was in the air.

I cannot remember, but I don’t think ospreys have nests to begin with. Not unless they have eggs or young. And you mention neither.

When birds of prey cling to branches, the more they relax, the harder they grip. It’s the opposite for humans. It’s so they can sleep in the trees out of reach of predators. You seem to describe how tense the bird is. Try rectifying that! And do your homework. I don’t know much about ospreys in particular, but a little bit of research wouldn’t hurt.

This is very beautiful. I really enjoyed it and it made me think. You have a lovely imagination and your style is very good! It’s very poetic and sophisticated. I loved this, well done!

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 8:14 pm    Post subject: Re: wow... Reply with quote

BlackDove wrote:
You just said all this detail about the earth and the sky. Where did that come from if not the bird? All that poetry is wasted then…


Well, this is a third-person story. It didn't come from the bird, it came from the narrator. Wink

Quote:
“Humidity hung in the air. Thunder could be heard in the distance, drowning out the noise of the streets.” You could just put that into one sentence. It would sound better.


Aye, are you sure? It would seem convoluted to me... Eh, I dunno.

Quote:
“Pushing off from the branch, the osprey's eyes swept the surface of the lake.” You never said the osprey landed on the branch in the first place. Last time you mentioned her, she was in the air.


Actually, I did. It's back a paragraph before that:

Quote:
Spotting the tree in which it nested, the bird alighted upon a branch with ease.


Quote:
I cannot remember, but I don’t think ospreys have nests to begin with. Not unless they have eggs or young. And you mention neither.


You're right, from what I've read, they build their nests when they mate. But, I didn't mention its mate or offspring simply because I didn't want them to dilute the story. Nice catch, though. Smile

Quote:
And do your homework. I don’t know much about ospreys in particular, but a little bit of research wouldn’t hurt.


Well, I did research. I read quite a bit about ospreys before I wrote this. About the "bird's grip" thing, you're probably right; I just hadn't read anything about that.

Quote:
This is very beautiful. I really enjoyed it and it made me think. You have a lovely imagination and your style is very good! It’s very poetic and sophisticated. I loved this, well done!


Thank you! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 31, 2007 1:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The quality of the writing in this was good and the story was good in building towards the final message.

The major problem I found with this is the way it was told. Up to the point where the story says "I do not know where our bird died," I thought that the story was being told from the bird's point of view.

Because of the intimate knowledge of what the bird is doing and thinking it appears to be from the bird's P.O.V, and then towards the end there it switches over to a human perspective without much indication.

Prokaryote wrote:
That familiar sensation appeared once more, but the creature was impervious to it.


Sentences like this contribute to the bird P.O.V.

Yet throughout the definite bird P.O.V. there are phrases like:

Prokaryote wrote:
But these dark feathers' actual purpose was more practical, reducing the glare of the sun upon the osprey's eyes.


and

Prokaryote wrote:
The humans knew rain was coming. Planning accordingly, they changed their appointments and updated their calendars


Which are knowledgable of the human situation/beyond the osprey's grasp.

I think the major thing you need to do is just clarify throughout the piece whose P.O.V. it is.


Overall I enjoyed reading it. It's good work.
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 31, 2007 1:53 am    Post subject: Thank you Reply with quote

Lancrist wrote:
The major problem I found with this is the way it was told. Up to the point where the story says "I do not know where our bird died," I thought that the story was being told from the bird's point of view.


Yes... you're right. An omniscient and omnipresent narrator would know where the bird died, and since it showed what the bird felt, it was definitely omniscient. Thanks for pointing that particular line out; I'm going to see what I can do to fix it. Smile

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

C'est moi! Salut, mon ami / le Diable!

So I finally got to it. My list of crits was getting staggeringly long and I figured I owed you one long-overdue before it slipped my mind. ^_~ But now to the piece: your style of writing here is very deep and eloquent, tending towards the verbose, which is nice for such a subject as a bird in flight. It provides quite an effective contrast for so simple a concept. You've nailed the perfect tone, throughout - when I first started reading this, I admit I was a little dubious at the style, but this was truly a pleasure to read. It wasn't at all what I was expecting, which made it all the more impressive. ^_^

--

And now for the technicalities here:


The bird spread its wings and flew. That familiar sensation appeared once more, but the creature was impervious to it. The act of flying was as common and everyday as walking was to humans, Homo sapiens, those creatures of the earth. This avian was a beast of the sky, however. The ground was for prey. The earth bred the rats, the moles, and, most importantly, fish. She was the life-giver and mother to the sky. Soil; the laboring worker. Wind; the free-spirited child.

[The opening line is perfect in its brevity, nicely done there. The second line has me a bit confused, though, as far as word choice goes. Impervious brings to mind the concept of being invulnerable to injury or impairment. But the sensation of flight is generally associated with freedom and lightness - the contrast here feels a bit off, something you might want to consider editing a bit. In the last two sentences, I believe your semi-colons are misused. Don't take this as gospel, but I'm under the impression that semi-colons are used to represent a conjunction between two or more clauses, and a conjunciton wouldn't fit in the context in which you're writing 'Soil' and 'Wind'. You might want to convert them to colons instead.]


Letting the thermal lift it to an adequate height, the bird glided towards the lake, letting gravity work its magic. Unlike the creatures of the ground, winged beasts used and manipulated gravity, using its force and converting it into distance. The sun gleamed off the osprey's feathers, illuminating its back. Its scowling face was adorned by a black mask, highlighting its cold, unfeeling eyes. But these dark feathers' actual purpose was more practical, reducing the glare of the sun upon the osprey's eyes. Spotting the tree in which it nested, the bird alighted upon a branch with ease.

[The repetition of 'letting' in the first line drags - if it was intentional, leave it in by all means, but if the repetition wasn't your purposeful goal, you might want to consider eschewing it. And something I noticed by the end of this paragraph - watch that you don't let too many present participles over-run your narrative. Just in this paragraph along you have 'letting', 'using', 'converting', 'illuminating', 'highlighting', 'reducing', and 'spotting'.]


Planning accordingly, they changed their appointments and updated their calendars. Children playing outside soon were called in by their mothers. Weatherman forecast a downpour, with possible hail. Beasts other than men, too, retreated to their shelters. Bears returned to their caves and moles to their tunnels. Thus, most creatures returned to their respective lairs; most creatures, but not the osprey.

[The first line of this excerpt begins a bit awkwardly: 'planning accordingly', that's a mouthful. And keep an eye on those participles. ^_~]


Pushing off from the branch, the osprey's eyes swept the surface of the lake. It circled the water and keenly observed the ripples below it. Gazing, watching, waiting for a creature of the water to betray itself. Moving towards the shore, the boats on the lake retreated. They would be back, but they did not like the rain. All the better, for they scared away the fish with their ugly noises.

[The first sentence is grammatically wrong. Look at it here: 'pushing off from the branch, the osprey's eyes swept...' The osprey's eyes didn't puch off the branch, which is how this sentence literaly reads. Something to look at? Also, the description in the last line seems weaker compared to the rest of the strong diction - 'ugly noises' in particularly. There might be a better way to illustrate the racket.]


Its death came about on a sunny day, a gentle breeze present in the air. It was migrating southward, with its fellow ospreys. A steady flapping of the wings kept them aloft, their soft calls reverberating throughout the area. But this beauty was not to last. A hunter had his sights trained upon it from the ground. With a weapon, he reached out from the earth and into the sky, and brought down a prize. It sounded so much like thunder. Except this time, there was no tree to hide in. The osprey fell, tumbling through the air, while its group progressed onwards without it. Not once did the bird's family feel sorrow for its death, nor could they. They were just beasts, and they were not truly alive.

[Rather than saying 'a gentle breeze present in the air, you might cut it down to 'in the midst of a gentle breeze' or some such thing. In Sentence #2, I would scratch that comma between 'southward' and 'with'. Again, a bit of confusion in the last line: ... bird's aren't truly alive?


The Summary:

1) Make sure your semi-colons and present participles don't get the best of you. Too many can drown the narrative and you want to make sure you're using them like fine spice - that would be, sparingly. ^_~

2)Make sure you flesh out some of your more poetic ideas - leave no room for confusion, even if it's minor.

3) You're conclusion's brilliantly written out, Shest - I think you might be destined for law rather than global domination. Your tone, overall, is lovely. This was very enjoyable to read. Very Happy

EDIT: 4) Just a note, make sure you maintain the same tense throughout. You went back and forth a few times between past and present.



--

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PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2007 9:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello, critique time:

Quote:
The bird spread its wings and flew.

Love the first sentence, it's short, it's sweet and it drops us nicely into an interesting bit! Although, you already knew this I suppose...

Quote:
That familiar sensation appeared once more, but the creature was impervious to it.

At 'appeared' I imagine it appearing in front of the bird. It's a strange way of putting it and I'm not sure if it's the best way.
Impervious too. I'm not sure if that's your best word either, perhaps oblivious? Something implying taking it for granted.

Quote:
This avian was a beast of the sky, however.

Too late. It's too late to say 'however' at the end of a sentence. By then, it's lost its howeverness and really that makes it pretty useless. If you move it earlier on in the sentence it will actually do something but obviously putting it right at the beginning is a bit overbearing on the reader so stick it as early as possible. E.g. This avian, however, was a beast of the sky.

Quote:
It turned sharply and headed west, towards its nest.

Lol. It even rhymes! Nice.

Quote:
Thus, most creatures returned to their respective lairs; most creatures, but not the osprey.

Pushing off from the branch, the osprey swept its eyes over surface of the lake.

A bit close together really, if you could use a synonym of bird or something that would be much better. Obviously you're going to have to need to use 'osprey' a lot, just be careful how close you make it.

Quote:
Movement!

Hmmm. The exclaimation mark. It's really the tool of writers who cannot put excitement into their work. You, however, have already made it by putting in the short sentence. I'd personally prefer a simple 'full-stop' to give suspense because the exclaimation can sound a bit gushy sometimes.

Quote:
Its talons were grasping at the air, hungry for flesh, ready to squeeze life out of something.

I'm not too sure about the use of 'anything'. It doesn't sit right with me. Maybe you could consider using the word 'it'? I dunno, maybe it's just me.


*Sniffs* That's touching! I really enjoyed the story, especially the suspense of the chase and the sudden-ness of the ending. I like you use of the bird to make the larger point at the end. Very nice.

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PostPosted: Sun May 27, 2007 3:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm....

The writing was good.

But perhaps I am not a person for these kinds of things. I was bored. Oh gosh, bored out of my mind. Why do I want to read about a bird?

Yes, it was poetic, it had a beautiful meaning behind it, it was lovely, etc.etc. like others have said.

But the plot was boring, and it just didn't catch me. Your writing was superb, but if you would have written something more catching, more...I don't know exactly. Perhaps I'm not meant for these sort of things.


I hope I helped or...did something?

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PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2007 10:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hmm...I enjoyed it. Very good description. Too bad that I didn't even know there was such an animal out there named an Osprey. I guess you learn a new thing everyday. Wink You can write very well, better than me, and your short story seemed a lot like poetry. It is somewhat informative also. Good job. Keep it up. Smile
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