bubbles5
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 11 Mar 2007
Posts: 25
Reviews: 13
Country: Wales
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Mar 26, 2007 5:58 pm Post subject: Story of My Life |
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Spent my days and nights,
Wondering where I went wrong,
Then I realised,
I have been wrong all along,
Looked into your eyes,
Thought I saw somewhere to belong,
I never knew I’d end up here again,
Hold my head up high,
I will not let myself cry,
This hurt is nothing but shame,
I only have myself to blame,
Every moment I have,
I spend thinking about you,
Wondering how,
I could have been so cruel,
And now my heart is heavy again,
Story of my life,
Trying to find forgiveness,
I’ve found none from myself,
Couldn’t hide from my heart,
From this shame I’ve always felt,
People smiling at this person,
I’ve made into my shell,
I never knew I’d end up here again,
Hold my head up high,
I cannot let myself cry,
This guilt is so real,
Something I can’t bear to feel,
Every moment I have,
I spend thinking of you,
Wondering how,
I could have been so cruel,
And now my heart is heavy again,
Story of my life,
Wonderful forgiveness,
How can it be real?
I know I don’t deserve this,
And my guilt won’t heal,
But right now I am in your arms,
And love is all I feel,
I can’t believe I’ve ended up here again,
Maybe you can heal my heart,
Give me what I really want,
Maybe you can make me be,
A guilt free, better me,
Every moment I have,
I spend thinking of you,
Wondering how,
You could have made me so new,
And now my heart is light again,
Yes now my heart is light again,
But still I really can’t pretend,
This loop I’m in will not end,
This is the story of my life, |
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niteowl
Bring Me the Epidermal Tissue Destructor!
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Nov 2004
Posts: 4005
Reviews: 396
Country: somewhere in America
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 8:07 pm Post subject: |
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Just for the record, you can edit your post instead of posting right under yourself. And this really isn't that long. But anyway, on to the actual critique.
| Quote: |
Spent my days and nights,
Wondering where I went wrong,
Then I realised,
I have been wrong all along, |
Personally, I think the two "wrongs" are too close together. There might be an appropriate synonym you can use there that doesn't mess up the flow of the song too much. Unfortunately, I can't think of one right now.
Overall, I really liked this, and I can't find any other specific part I don't like. Once again, though, sticking commas at the end of every line isn't punctuation. Actually, for songs I prefer no punctuation, but that might just be me.
Let's end this on a positive note. I really liked this part:
| Quote: |
Every moment I have,
I spend thinking of you,
Wondering how,
I could have been so cruel,
And now my heart is heavy again,
Story of my life, |
Keep writing!  |
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Last edited by niteowl on Sat Mar 31, 2007 10:24 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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