Topic ID: 14518
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Ofour
Boak
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 02 Feb 2007
Posts: 588
Reviews: 187
Country: Happyville
300 Points
|
 Posted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 10:05 am Post subject: |
 |
|
"well-past noon" - I may be wrong but I feel as if that hyphen is not necessary.
"& daygrogged
spittleslobbed & wistful" - as a matter of personal pickiness I prefer the word "and".
I enjoyed this. The rhythm was very good, and, although I don't know why, the finality of the ending was greatly emphasised by the rhythm. A good read.
Gurby |
_________________
ln(-a)=i(pi) + lna |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Chevy
science, again.
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Nov 2004
Posts: 1621
Reviews: 663
Country: b'ham, england
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 11:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
The attitude of this piece seemed to be very short and to the point. Also a little rush, but it sounded great. Not only did I read through it smoothly, but I seemed to grasp all the imagery and such. Only one thing:
mate slept
well-past noon
(after consuming
red tablets of snooze)
with these being the first four lines, because of the similar rhthym, it sounds an awful lot like forced rhyming which made my stomach turn a little bit. But that might just be me. |
_________________
when there's nowhere to go, it's time to grow up. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kit
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 25 Jan 2007
Posts: 134
Reviews: 80
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2007 3:36 am Post subject: |
|
|
May I use my little, fumbled and ill-worded knowledge to dispute the noble opinions preceding mine, even though trying to shred Inc's work is a worthy cause, one I subscribe to with a fundamentalist's fervor.
Ofour, the free verse, the punctuation, the lack of capital letters these are hallmarks of modernist poetry. Think of- Inc you're going to stab me for saying this- ee cummings. Inc's not being n00bish, he can type 'and' if he wants to, he's made a conscious decision not to. It works in the context, of the lazy, intimate euphoria. Embrace the freedom and the satire of the freedom. Read "Archy and Mehitabel" by Don Marquis.
Chevy, I disagree with you on the first lines too, it wasn't forced rhyming, it was using assonance to create a warm languid atmosphere.
| Quote: |
grey
& daygrogged
spittleslobbed & wistful
whispering something
(of love) |
I love the "daygrogged & spittleslobbed", that's exactly the feeling. And the rhythm of those compound words grounds the softer alliteration of the "wistful whispering". The idyllic tenderness of '(of love)' is likewise grounded by the parenthesis, setting it apart while leaving it almost as an afterthought among the deliciously heady haze.
| Quote: |
i touched his
neck (unshaven)
snuck a kiss unto his stubble-
laden manjaw
pawed his girth |
That is sexy. Stubble-laden manjaw.
| Quote: |
alert & flirty
undisturbed by midday rays
we laid in praise
of one another's
(lurid) curtains |
I love your tone throughout, actually, though I sense the irony in it. But I like how you toy with rhyme and assonance without letting it dominate your phrases, it gives it such a lightness, this casual intricacy. "(lurid) curtains" is divinity, I want its babies.
Man, giving you feedback when I can't find anything wrong with it makes me feel like such a suck. **thwacks you**
convivial hostilities,
Kit |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 22 Nov 2004
Posts: 3046
Reviews: 903
Country: USA
318 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2007 12:32 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Kit -
Indeed, the original title had been "flirting after cumming"...
Regards,
Brad |
_________________
"If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
|
| Back to top |
|
Chevy
science, again.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Nov 2004
Posts: 1621
Reviews: 663
Country: b'ham, england
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2007 5:14 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Kit wrote: |
Chevy, I disagree with you on the first lines too, it wasn't forced rhyming, it was using assonance to create a warm languid atmosphere.
|
I didn't say it was forced rhyming, it was just that, being the beginning of the poem, you're pretty much open for anything. |
_________________
when there's nowhere to go, it's time to grow up. |
|
| Back to top |
|
LucidDreamerLost
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 19 Nov 2006
Posts: 16
Reviews: 12
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2007 6:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| what is snooze? |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Trident
The Tattered Scribe is in us all.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 08 Sep 2006
Posts: 1027
Reviews: 264
Country: U.S.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 29, 2007 7:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
| Indeed, the original title had been "flirting after cumming"... |
XD Brad, you're incorrigible. Or should I say "encourage-able"? Mighty quip. |
_________________
Perception is everything.
Visit The Tattered Scribe: http://rhetor.blogs.com/scribe/ |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
