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Wars.
Wars.

by Lynne in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on March 25, 2007
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Spirited 0.1
Spirited #1
Spirited #2
Spirited #3
Spirited #5

Spirited #4

Topic ID: 14437
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 10:34 pm    Post subject: Spirited #4 Reply with quote

4

The colonnade looked imposing, as always, Jade thought as she climbed the wide steps. Her eyes were unavoidably drawn to its long, elegant frieze. She felt the decorative strip of the Gods was everything the Temple represented; it was, in some ways, the Temple itself. The finely carved panels were the Temple’s words: the fine summary of everything the place of worship wanted to say. Although she no longer stared in wonder, like the first few times, she still followed the sculptured with a smile.

She broke her concentration and continued the climb. Not far from the pinnacle of the whole city, the air was sparse. Jade breathed deeply. But it was not long before she was on the same level as the Temple, the peak of its roof far above her head. She was but a pawn in front of the house of Gods, and instantly, as always, she felt so insignificant. It was not a horrible emotion; instead, she was glad of the reminder of her service. How could she not serve these incredible beings?

“You’re late.” The icy words cut through her thoughts.

Jade looked right to see the indignant figure of Diane, her robes falling, as always, too perfectly. Jade knew her own robes made her look fat, and felt jealousy snake its way into her brain. “Sorry,” she said. “You know me. I get caught up in the grandeur of it all the time.”

“Honey,” Diane started, in her patronising mother tone. “How long have you been with us now?”

“Since last winter,” Jade admitted.

“Well, then. That’s quite long enough isn’t it? The Priests are waiting. We haven’t even dressed properly yet, and now we’ll have to rush.”

Jade could almost hear the tut-tut following her remarks. “My apologies, Diane.” Jade said her name with a bitter edge of sarcasm.

In a second, Diane turned from mother to friend. She leapt forward and threaded her arm around Jade’s and led her toward the Temple. Soon they were rushing up the steps under the stone roof. Jade was glad to be in the shade, with the sun blazing so much on this day. Her climb had been a mix of sweat and burning.

“Now, tell me,” Diane whispered, slipping into her gossiping streak. Jade could see the signs easily these days. “Did you hear the news? Everything’s going exactly as They have designed.”

Jade shook her head. “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh.” Diane paused outside the entrance to the Temple, and pulled Jade to one side. “Sometimes I forgot you’re not part of the Inner Circle.”

Jade raised her eyebrows. Diane never missed a chance to kindly remind her of Diane’s special membership.

“Anyway,” Diane continued. “You remember the premonition?”

There was a swift nod from Jade; of course she had, who hadn’t?

“The Priests decided to act--”she started, but stopped as another woman walked by. As she disappeared inside, Diane took a quick glance around and continued. “They decided to act on it.”

“How?”

“Simple. The child was the problem, so they decided the root of the problem must be removed. Supposedly, warriors of the Gods were sent to the apartment of the child last night, to carry out the judgement.”

“Wait a moment,” Jade said, hardly daring to believe any of Diane’s words. “You’re saying they set out tomurder?”

“Oh, Jade, sometimes, you can be so naive,” Diane said dismissively. “The child was simply to be the sacrifice. Sacrifices are a thing of beauty; the Gods will look favourably upon, don’t you worry. Anyway, supposedly, I heard this very morning, that not everything went exactly to plan. They snuck in during the night, but missed the child.”

Jade almost blurted out her distaste. Diane was so blatantly a victim of the Priest’s propaganda, and that was fine sometimes, but this was almost too far. She stopped herself openly disagreeing, luckily, for they were almost in the eavesdropping range of others nearby. “What happened, then?”

“I’ve heard rumours the Mother was sacrificed instead, as an apologetic offering to the Gods, and that additional plans were set in motion to find the child. He is, after all, the very root of the problem.”

The very root of the problem. It sounded so ludicrous in Jade’s mind that they talked about a child’s life like that. But worst of all was the death of a completely innocent woman, someone who was more a victim than anything in this whole circumstance. “How can they have killed the mother? She was hardly a threat. From what I can gather, she did nothing wrong!”

“Ha! Sometimes, Jade, you can be so, so naive,” Diane repeated. “I wonder why I tell you these things.”

“Right,” Jade said, her teeth clenched. “You are so lovely.”

“I know.” Diane brushed off the sarcasm with ignorance, Jade knew. It was her way. “I’m not even supposed to discuss these things, but I do my best. I think you ought to know, somehow, what is going on. It is so very important after all. One of the most important things we’ve ever been involved in.”

Oh, of course, Jade thought, she never misses a chance to remind me she is a part of something important, and I am linked only through her. “How wonderful. By the way, how exactly did they manage to lose a child?”

Diane stared at her. It was merely a question, but in Diane’s faithful eyes it was almost a proclamation of blasphemy. Questions were never good things to ask around Diane. “Now, really, I’m not sure. But the child must have powers emerging already that we did not anticipate. It is only a matter of time, I imagine, however. The Gods will see it through, though; they have strength beyond our comprehension.”

“Mhm.” On the subject of comprehension, Jade felt like whispering, I’m struggling to comprehend the justification of the death of an innocent woman?

“We better be going,” Diane said, trying to regain her dominance, no doubt, Jade perceived. “Now. We can discuss this later, Jade.”

Jade nodded and followed the thin figure of Diane as she passed through the Temple entrance, the unwelcome feeling of foreboding creeping its way into her system.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 5:32 am    Post subject: Re: Spirited #4 Reply with quote

You didn't think i would let this slip by did you?

Quote:
Although she no longer stared in wonder, like the first few times, she still followed the sculptured with a smile.


not sure if you wanted th d at the end of sculpture.

I totally get what the kid is for now. And i think it's in a good place as #3. Cause when i read the mother was killed it all came flodding in. I was sad cause the kid wanted to get her something nice for once.

So depressing. Nice use of dialouge and I hope the premonition will be revealed later. Interest has been piked further and I anticipate more Smile

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 31, 2007 8:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lo, dahling!

Apparently, the new movie I am talking about when I make mention of plagues and what-not is The Reaping.






Ta,
Cal.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 07, 2007 4:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

And you say this isn't outlined?

It fits so beautifully together, in all of its little layers...it would take truckloads of notecards in order to figure this out the proper way. Hmmph. *shuns Jack*

FOREVER THE HISTORIAN'S JOKE:

Really, I'm going to write an entire paragraph on a single, throw-away line. Wink

We historically-minded geeks practically sweat out corny jokes. "Honey, does my toga make me look fat?" is no exception to this rule.

...in all of this gorgeous prose, the Other F-Bomb emerges.

So, Diane looks really good in her robes. Jade does not. How else shall we word that? I think this is the time for a corny analogy to take the place of Jade's bodily insecurities. How were the robes shaped? Was the color a bad one, as well? Do elaborate.

___

Ah, only one point to tear apart? Pity. I beg you- write badly, next time. Please? No more pretty stuff for you. That way, I have something to do besides dole out heartfelt compliments.

I do like the blind subserviance- something that Jade reacts to in a hilarious way. The whole situation is cleverly done, what with the child and the robotic response, and the suspiscion that this might actually be taking place within the frieze.

Good stuff.

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 16, 2007 11:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, there's only so many superlatives I can throw at you three. Thanks guys! I don't really deserve you're kind words and awesome critique.

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PostPosted: Tue May 29, 2007 8:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like how you're pulling the threads together. It's going at a great timing. And your switching POVs works nicely.

Quote:
“You’re saying they set out tomurder?”
Space!

Quote:
But worst of all was the death of a completely innocent woman, someone who was more a victim than anything in this whole circumstance.
Anyone?

Glee. This is so fun to read. I can feel Diane's high xD you did her character lovely. The beginning, with her climbing then just *showing up* with Diane went kind of odd for me, but otherwise, great as always.

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