Topic ID: 14423
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Shine
My life=Randomness
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 26 Dec 2005
Posts: 981
Reviews: 363
Country: India
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 7:22 am Post subject: Friendship. |
 |
|
May my friendships always be
The most important thing to me;
With special friends I feel I'm blessed,
So let me give my very best.
I want to do much more than share
The hopes and plans of friends who care;
I'll try all that a friend can do
To make their secret dreams come true.
Let me use my heart to see,
To realize what friends can be,
And make no judgments from afar,
But love my friends the way they are
Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet
when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly............. |
_________________
"A good plot is like a dream.If you dont write down your dream on paper the moment you wake up,the chances are you'll forget it and it'll be gone forever"-Roald Dalh. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Mad
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 16 Mar 2007
Posts: 274
Reviews: 227
Country: Petersfield, England
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 7:32 am Post subject: |
|
|
Nice poem ANI.
Does the line spacing mean something?
I thought it was a very pretty poem, makes me want to go out and see my friends right now. My favourite stanza is probably the first one, it flows really well.
A small criticsm is that I dont think you should have used the same word twice to end a line becuase of the rhyme (I'm talking about "be") I dont think it helps the flow in a short poem where you can notice something like that. but then I dont think it really makes that much difference.
It was good, nice to read a happy poem 
|
_________________
Sing we for joy and idleness,
Naught else is worth the having. -- Ezra Pound
PM if you're in need of a review. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Magyk
Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 14 Feb 2007
Posts: 89
Reviews: 49
Country: Devon, Great Britian, Europe, Planet Earth, The Milky Way (to be (almost) precise)
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 6:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I love the layout of this poem. It's really interesting. I also like the ryhming. It's a really nice poem but I won't try to make you change anything because I don't feel you can critique poetry as it is what comes from the heart that counts.
|
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Suzanne
waking from Eternal sleep
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 7247
Reviews: 1837
Country: Riverbluff, MO
341 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 25, 2007 9:07 pm Post subject: |
|
|
All but the last stanza was good. You had a rhyming pattern, and then it went out the window.
The meaning behind it is great, though not original, but you did it in a cute way to where it is excusable ^_^ I didn't like the voice that much, it felt kind of hum-drum and flat, I think because the rhymes were so simple, along with the words. It just didn't come off good to me...but the poem, anyhow, was cute to read.
|
_________________
You'll call me the lion, I'll call you the lamb.
I am lost in all you are -- you're alive for what I am. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Shine
My life=Randomness
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 26 Dec 2005
Posts: 981
Reviews: 363
Country: India
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 27, 2007 6:57 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thanx everyone!
Mad:The spacing didn't really mean something.I just layed out trhe poem in that manner...lol...I know thats craziness..lolz
Good to get the comments.
~Ani~
|
_________________
"A good plot is like a dream.If you dont write down your dream on paper the moment you wake up,the chances are you'll forget it and it'll be gone forever"-Roald Dalh. |
|
| Back to top |
|
gymnast_789
Love. Peace. Gymnastics.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 02 Jan 2007
Posts: 301
Reviews: 81
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Mar 28, 2007 10:55 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Really good! I liked the ending the best.
|
_________________
“I hated every minute of training, but I said, ''Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.''” ~Muhammad Ali |
|
| Back to top |
|
Shine
My life=Randomness
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 26 Dec 2005
Posts: 981
Reviews: 363
Country: India
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2007 10:16 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Thank u Gymnast.....
|
_________________
"A good plot is like a dream.If you dont write down your dream on paper the moment you wake up,the chances are you'll forget it and it'll be gone forever"-Roald Dalh. |
|
| Back to top |
|
carelessaussie13
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 22 Oct 2006
Posts: 311
Reviews: 167
Country: Wouldn't you like to know
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 10, 2007 2:44 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I love these poems about friendship because everyone has a different way of looking at their friends. This was a beautiful poem, but he rhyme seemed kind of forced to me, like you had to change what you wanted to express here in order to make it rhyme. I would tinker with it a bit. Also the last stanza was in a totally different rhythm. What was up with that?
|
_________________
Everybody looks busy. Is something going on I don't know about? |
|
| Back to top |
|
piepiemann22
For Honor
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Dec 2006
Posts: 1369
Reviews: 178
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Apr 15, 2007 8:41 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Let me use my heart to see,
To realize what friends can be,
And make no judgments from afar,
But love my friends the way they are
This line dosen't seem to fit with the rhythem of the others. Maybe try freindships instead of frriends.
Best wishes 
|
_________________
With a dream we find a purpose. With a purpose we are contemt. Being contempt lets us see. With sight we understand. With understanding we know. With knowledge we live.
~By me Anthony Delia |
|
| Back to top |
|
theron guard
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 30 Apr 2007
Posts: 167
Reviews: 82
Country: An old reclusive stone house - built on a cherry orchard in 1803
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 5:32 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Only a few non-rhyming mistakes in some of the lines. Overall, I love poems like this. Very good job.
|
_________________
Ohhhhhhh YEAH!!!!!! |
|
| Back to top |
|
miyaviloves
Love me less but love me a long time.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 05 Oct 2006
Posts: 848
Reviews: 564
Country: England
400 Points
|
| Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 5:36 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I agree with it being a pretty poem, it was very cute sweet and well nice
I like poems like this, itrs refreashing after reading so many teen angst poems!
Thankyou for writing this!
Meevs
x
|
_________________
Je crains que pour tout ça tu doives entendre je t'aime.
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Girl_in_pink
Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 26 Mar 2007
Posts: 64
Reviews: 45
Country: UK
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed May 23, 2007 9:55 am Post subject: TOtally fab |
|
|
I really love this poem, it reminds me of my own past and is a great read..xoxxo
[img]
[/img]
| Description: |
| This is soo where im fromm and i think thats where this poem about friend ships brings me back 2 |
|
| Filesize: |
7.69 KB |
| Viewed: |
1300 Time(s) |
|
|
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Shine
My life=Randomness
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 26 Dec 2005
Posts: 981
Reviews: 363
Country: India
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 10:09 am Post subject: |
|
|
carelessaussie13:The last two lines were like the true conclusion of the poem,or you can say thats the point I wanted to bring out.And I admit that I couldn't bring that line into rythm with the rest of the poem.And I thought even if I try the main point may not come out so....and thats very true that everyone has various way of looking at their friends.
piepiemann22:Yeah that would help I guess,that would make the line more perfect.Thanx for the suggestion.
theron guard :glad you liked it.
miyaviloves:your welcome and thank you for reading my work.
Girl_in_pink:Hey thats a nice poem of yours.
Thanx everyone!
|
_________________
"A good plot is like a dream.If you dont write down your dream on paper the moment you wake up,the chances are you'll forget it and it'll be gone forever"-Roald Dalh. |
|
| Back to top |
|
jynxypanda
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 24 Sep 2007
Posts: 24
Reviews: 16
Country: Philippines
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 10:57 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Sniff... this poem is so sentimental! Really liked it! It also made me want to reach out my friends but... they're probably at home eating or something! haaahaa! I loved the third and final stanzas! Good job! =)
|
_________________
"....I am TOUGH to go through coz I'm TANGIBLE!!" |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Someguy
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 09 Sep 2007
Posts: 325
Reviews: 267
Country: Somewhere in the South...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 28, 2007 8:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I love the rythym and the flow. It was fantastic until you got to the last stanza. You need to fix that last one.
|
_________________
Look at my big shiny shell... |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
