Topic ID: 14353
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Tina
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 Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 2:58 am Post subject: A Life Deferred |
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Opening Scene:
The scene opens on a classroom. The teacher is talking to a student at her desk as the other students quietly talk amongst themselves. There is a knock at the door. The boy turns around as the teacher looks up to see Victoria standing inside the doorway. A woman is standing to the side of the stage. We can see her, but she is obviously not apart of the scene.
Teacher: Yes? May I help you?
Victoria holds out a piece of paper. With a sigh, the teacher gets up from her desk and takes it from her.
Teacher: (after a pause) Oh. I see. (She turns to the class.) Class, it seems we have a new student. Please welcome… (She looks at the paper again) Victoria Knoll.
A couple of hi’s and hey’s are heard. Then an awkward silence ensues.
Teacher: Why don’t you come over here and tell us a little bit about yourself.
Victoria slowly walks over to the front of the desk to stand next to the boy. He looks at her intently.
Victoria: (she looks down and fidgets a little as she begins to speak) as you know my name is Victoria Knoll-
Woman at the side of stage: (She walks out to center stage and addresses the audience. The lights dim and there is a spot light on her) I’m very sorry to disturb you all tonight but I just had to say something.
My name is Miranda Knoll, and that girl over there, (she turns slightly to gesture towards Victoria. There is now a spotlight on Victoria) she’s my daughter. She and her father have been living without me for thirteen months. Last year I died of breast cancer, and it has been hard on them ever since. Since then Victoria just hasn’t been herself. After I died she became quiet and secluded. My once outspoken daughter that had been student body president and head cheerleader became a quiet bystander in her own life. These are things I feel I must tell you for you to grasp the full meaning of this story. She will claim that she’s fine, but she’s not. She will claim that this is the life she wants, but it isn’t. She will tell you that she is happy to be here, but I can assure you that she is not. It would be a mistake to believe differently.
Miranda walks back to her spot at the side of the stage and the lights are no longer dimmed.
Victoria: (She looks up now, almost defiantly) This is my fourth move in the last thirteen months, and I am very happy to be here.
End Scene One
Open Scene Two
The stage is split into two classrooms. One faces stage left and the other faces stage right with a partition in between separating the two classrooms. No two classrooms are illuminated at the same time.
This scene opens up on stage left. The class is in session, and Jared and Victoria are seated near each other in the back.
Jared: I see you.
Silence
Victoria: (uneasy because she knows he’s still staring at her) I can see you too. Aren’t we a little old to be playing Peek-A-Boo?
Jared: I didn’t mean it like that. I mean I see you.
Victoria: Yes, I know. You’ve been boring holes into my back all day.
Jared: (Smiles in mild amusement) You noticed that, huh?
Victoria: Kind of hard to miss the new set of storage compartments you’ve burned for me in my back.
Jared: (His smile grows broader) I’m sorry. Have I made you uncomfortable?
Victoria: Takes more than a wandering gaze from a pervert to make me squirm.
Jared: (laughs out loud, and the teacher turns from the board to give him a withering gaze and then turns back around. He whispers.) So, you’ve got me all figured out have you?
Victoria: I think I’ve got the gist, but I don’t care enough to ask any questions. (She turns to face him) or answer any. (She turns back around) So if you’ll excuse me. I must be getting to my next class now. (The bell rings and Victoria is the first one out of class.)
The class on stage right is now illuminated, while the class on stage left has been darkened. Victoria is sitting in her seat getting ready for class and Jared walks in and sits right behind her.
Jared: (as he passes by her) Fancy meeting you here.
Victoria: (is visibly perturbed and sighs audibly) why is it that you seem to pop up everywhere I go?
Jared: I thought you didn’t care enough to ask any questions.
Victoria: Oh. How mature. Do you always throw peoples words back at them? Or are you just having a bad day?
Jared: Actually (he pauses as he looks at her) I’m having a particularly good day today. (Another pause) And the only reason I threw back what you said is because it was said carelessly. You’re not the type of person that would just let something go. So to not ask any questions is completely against your nature.
Victoria: (incredulous) How would you know what my nature is? You don’t know me!
The teacher looks over at Victoria.
Teacher: Do you have something to share with the class Miss Knoll?
Victoria: No, sir.
Teacher: Then I suggest you start taking some notes and catching up with the rest of the class.
Victoria: Yes, sir.
Jared: (whispers) I don’t mean to sound presumptuous, but like I said, I see you.
Victoria: What are you? A medium? Am I a ghost?
Jared: You may as well be.
Victoria: (looks taken aback) What is that supposed to mean?
Jared: You come to class, but you don’t come in. You just stand in the doorway looking for all the world as if you were wishing your hardest to be somewhere else, anywhere else. Like someone had just stolen your Ruby Slippers and you had no way to get home. Then you walk in, looking positively miserable, slap a fake smile on your face, and tell us all that you are “very happy to be here!”
When you walk in the halls you are practically one with the walls. It’s as if you may die if someone even comes close enough to breathe on you. You do your best to seem invisible, but… I see you. And I can tell you were meant to stand out.
The lights dim and a spotlight appears on Victoria.
Victoria: (belligerently) Where does this guy come off? How dare- How dare he?!? How can he judge me like that? Making all these assumptions about someone he’s only known for a few hours? Not even a whole school day? I mean, yeah… some of those things may be true but… But he has no right to… (Looks down as if thinking)!
The lights come back on and the class becomes animated again. Victoria slowly looks up, gathers her things, and moves to another seat closer to the board, and far away from Jared. The class is still going on as the lights fade.
While the lights are out the students will move to the other classroom at stage left. Victoria and Jared are not sitting anywhere near each other they are on opposite ends of the classroom. There is also a new teacher.
We open on this new classroom and everyone is quiet and hard at work. After a few moments Victoria looks at the teacher surreptitiously, then gets the attention of a girl beside her.
Victoria: (whispers) Jasmine! Hey Jasmine!
Jasmine turns slightly to look at Victoria.
Victoria: Hey… umm… I was just wondering If you ah… could tell me a little bit about that guy over there (she gestures over at Jared).
Jasmine looks over at Jared and frowns a little.
Jasmine: Him? (pause) I don’t know too much about him… he’s lived here for a long time. I know that much, but… well, I guess he just keeps to himself, you know? Oh! (turns to a girl on her other side and whispers) Hey Taylor!
Taylor looks over at Jasmine.
Jasmine: Isn’t that guy over there (gestures to Jared) in the yearbook club with you?
Taylor turns and looks over at Jared, then grimaces. She turns back to Jasmine.
Taylor: Yeah. So?
Jasmine: The new girl over here wants to know more about him.
Taylor looks at Victoria.
Taylor: Don’t waste your time. He never talks to anyone. He’s completely anti-social. I used to work with him sometimes at the beginning of the year, and I would get really excited because he’s cute and I wanted to get to know him better, but I don’t think he said more than three sentences to me in that entire time, and one of them was (she imitates Jared’s voice) “You’re in my way.” So rude!
Victoria: Were you?
Taylor: Was I what?
Victoria: In his way.
Taylor: Yes, but-
Victoria cuts her off.
Victoria: Why?
Taylor: (becoming visibly annoyed) why what?
Victoria: Why were you in his way?
Taylor: Because I was trying to get his attention! All I did was wave my hand in front of his camera a bit.
Victoria: Then how was he rude? If anything you were the one that did something offensive.
Taylor glares at Victoria then turns to Jasmine.
Taylor: You really ought to watch who you talk to you know.
End Scene Two
Open Scene Three
The scene opens up onto a new split stage. Stage left we see a background of lockers. Stage right we see the background of a girls bathroom. The two sides of the stage are separated by a partition to create the illusion of two separate rooms. Victoria is in the bathroom and Jared is leaning with his back against the lockers, waiting. We hear the sounds of water running and Victoria seems to be splashing her face with water.
Victoria: (anguish) So I’m not ok! It’s not a crime, and it’s nobody’s business! Moving sucks! And this past year’s just been a blur. I’m a stranger in my own life. Sunday mornings used to begin with the smell of Mom’s homemade French toast; now it’s Dad’s burnt toast. (sigh)I know she didn’t want to go… but she did. And I know I won’t see her again. I don’t like having to deal with all that pain… but I have to. (sniffles) This sucks! But I know she wouldn’t want me to be like this. I have to make her proud. I don’t like having to deal with all that pain… but I have to. It’s time for me to face my life head on. I am not a coward and I refuse to accept this as my life.
Victoria now picks up her things.
Victoria: (laughs quietly) I guess I have to thank him. He’s going to think I’m crazy. This whole day has been so bizarre. I don’t even know his name…
Victoria walks through the door in the partition and stops short when she sees Jared against the lockers. He looks over at her and walks towards her. When he reaches in front of her the lights dim and two individual spotlights appear above them.
Jared: Hi. My name is Jared. I’m kind of quiet, but I notice things. I noticed you today. Would you like to be friends?
Silence
Victoria smiles and holds her hand out and Jared shakes it.
Victoria: Thanks. You have no idea what this means to me.
Victoria and Jared walk out of their spotlights and off of the stage. A spotlight appears on Miranda and she is looking in the direction of Victoria and Jared.
Miranda: That’s my girl.
Lights dim.
End |
_________________
"Theoretically, if you go to the past in the future, then your future lies in the past. This is a picture of you in the future - in the past."
~Kate and Leopold
Last edited by Tina on Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:53 am; edited 3 times in total |
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Suzanne
waking from Eternal sleep
Writer of Legend
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| Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 3:33 am Post subject: |
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This isn't so bad! Give yourself a break. There are some general script writing things I want to fix, and some writing things I want to fix.
I'll use this as an example to fix it:
| Quote: |
| Teacher: (after a pause) Oh. I see. (She turns to the class.) Class, it seems we have a new student. Please welcome… (She looks at the paper again) Victoria Knoll. |
in a play, you put the names of the main characters in caps, so that we know they will be acting. Also (and this is more from what I've read than what I know) you wouldn't use 'she' it would be assumed. So this about should be:
TEACHER: (after a pause) Oh. I see. (turn to class) Class, it seems we have a new student. Please Welcome....(looks at the paper again) VICTORIA KNOLL.
Also, if you capitalize her full name, then her full name it what you use as the tag. What ever is the tag you capitalize, but not in dialog only in action.
| Quote: |
| Last year I died of breast cancer, and it has been hard on them ever since. Ever since Victoria just hasn’t been herself. |
saying "ever since" twice doesn't work, get rid of one.
| Quote: |
| She looks up now, almost defiantly |
You don't almost do anything, you either do or don't. So say "She looks up now, defiantly"
Otherwise, it was good. The way the mother walked out into the stage was unique, and I'm undecided on whether I like or dislike that she somewhat gave away the play. Is this going to be longer? I could see a really neat story going into this, with the child defying the mothers words, or the mother sort of "stalking" us throughout the play to talk about her kid. It was rather unusual, and at first I didn't like it, but I think the way you did it makes me more interested, I want to figure out what would make the mom ruin the whole play xD
Keep it up! I'll read more as it comes. |
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Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me.
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| Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 5:01 am Post subject: |
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Tina -
This starts out pretty standard, but I think the sudden shift to the mother is compelling enough to save it from the clutches of amateur screenwriting.
As Clau said, you have some technical issues to be reckoning with--e.g. not using pronouns in action, etc.--and also that there is a bit of a rough spot in the mother's monologue.
True: it is short and should be lengthened.
False: it is bad.
Best,
Brad |
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KingKamor
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| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 11:48 pm Post subject: |
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Hey! Been awhile, Tina. I liked the point you were trying to make with this script, but it seemed like Victoria reached her epiphany a little too soon, and Jared seemed a little to insightful about Victoria. It's a damn good story, it's just that these aspects made it a little unrealistic to me.
And I know that this would be clear in the play by looking at the actors, but what grade are these characters in? XD |
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Could I join two hearts as well?"
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