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Black Magic
Black Magic

by XxBrokenVainxX in Fantasy Fiction
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This thread was created on March 13, 2007
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Tamia's quest part I and II
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Tamia's quest VI
Tamia's quest VII
Tamia's quest VIII
Tamia's quest IX
Tamia's quest X
Tamia's quest XI
Tamia's quest XII
Tamia's quest XIII
Tamia's quest XIV
Tamia's quest, chapter one
Tamia's quest

tamia's quest part III

Topic ID: 14071
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Nutty   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 13, 2007 4:31 am    Post subject: tamia's quest part III Reply with quote

In the mountains, there is a city.

Not many know of this city, and of those that do, most avoid it.

The winding streets and alleyways are covered with filth, and you can either protect yourself, or you are dead.

The city of Satia. The City Of All Things Unholy.

A figure crept down the dark streets. He was tired from his long journey. He could not rest yet.

From underneath his down turned bucket hat his eyes searched the shaded and rundown buildings carefully. It paid to be careful.

He passed a sneering whore, but he had no time for such things. Maybe later.

Eventually he came to a door, much like any other door, unless you knew what you were looking for. Etched over the rusted hinges was a tiny inverted 'Y'.

Once inside, he lifted his hat and shoved it in his grey jacket pocket. He shook out his messy hair and sighed.

"I trust you are well, Mr Forsonn."

Ryn Forsonn made sure the door was locked and turned to the figure sitting by the fire.

"I am sorry sir, but the Idiot fail-" The figure cut Ryn off.

"I know. Why did you not finish her? or are you too weak?"

Ryn looked away. "Sir, you know I cannot. Not until I have recovered from the magic. You know that!"

"Serves you right for going too close to those stinking elves! Though I trust you saw to the idiot?"

"Yessir. The girl had fled. But at least she cannot return. Her home is in ashes."

"Good. Rest here in the city. Then once you can stand to be within striking distance, Kill her."


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Mad   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2007 12:23 am    Post subject: Re: tamia's quest part III Reply with quote

Quote:
The winding streets and alleyways are covered with filth, and you can either protect yourself, or you are dead.


I think that you just need to repharse the latter part of this sentence so that it can flow easier because "or you are dead" doesn't sound right.

The dialogue seems to be very forced. I think that if you could just refine the dialogue a tiny bit it would be much better.

Also when Ryn goes into the room a bit more description would help the reader to visualise the scene but that may not suit the air of mystery that you have created.

Quote:
The city of Satia. The City Of All Things Unholy.
I like this sentence because of how it's abruptness adds to the feeling created.

I think that your story is good, just a bit too short.
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2007 8:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

this is part 3 mad, there a two parts before this and this isn't going to be the finish.

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 8:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad. Like I said, I think you mostly need to work on how you word things and where you place punctuation.

Sometimes I think you can't find a certain word you are looking for and put another word there instead, which is why at some parts it doesn't seem to flow very well. If you can't find the word you're looking for, use a thesaurus (thesaurus.com if you don't have a real one) to find what you're looking for.

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 9:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The city's description is total awesomeness. Lide Mad said, the latter of that centence could use a little tweaking. Elsewise, it's an excellent continuation. Now to part IV!
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PostPosted: Sun May 13, 2007 8:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

YAY! Part three! Some goofs:

Quote:
"I know. Why did you not finish her? or are you too weak?"


Need to capitalize 'Or'. Very Happy

And

Quote:
"Yessir. The girl had fled.


I think you mean Yes sir. I could be wrong. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Other than that, I loved it! Again, I was hooked. I agree with Mad, though. It would be nicer if in the future (by that I mean #9 as you've already posted #8 ) you could make them longer. But that's just me as a greedy reader. Lucky me, I have a few Tamia stories before I run out! Razz

Keep them coming! I love the story and I've only read three!

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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2007 5:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice in-between chapter. Some sentances didn't flow quite right, but otherwise: good! Very Happy

-ST

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PostPosted: Sat Jun 02, 2007 9:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The beginning again was off-putting seems to be your forte XD. And this seems to be moving too fast, maybe you should of waited one more chapter before this. Anyway it's not a good idea to start with this line
Quote:
In the mountains, there is a city.

It's off putting and made me almost say what the f*ck lmao. On to next part.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 07, 2007 7:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good, but as always check the capitilization, but anywhooo, it's getting more intresting.
Smile

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This thread was created on March 13, 2007

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