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Myth
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 Posted: Wed Mar 07, 2007 12:54 pm Post subject: Are You Me? |
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Editing in process. Locked. |
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'...'
Last edited by Myth on Wed Jan 16, 2008 3:45 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Revere
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 12:33 am Post subject: |
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All that remained from previous stores around it were debris composed of broken bricks, signposts, shards of glass, and a few trees still straddled the backyards.
The last part of this sentence doesn't fit. Maybe it could be: '...signposts, shards of glass, and a few trees, permanently straddled over the backyards.'
“He regarded District Folk as savages—hence the nickname—and believed they couldn’t survive the sudden change of life in Cities. This is why they curse his name.”
I think 'that' would work better than 'this' in the last sentence.
Mylod helped her master by founding him a comfortable armchair. She pushed it forward, coming to rest in front of Ovid and gathered up the discarded seeds.
'Founding' should be 'finding'. Also, the second sentence switches tenses, and I don't think it should. But, tenses aren't really my editing strong-point. 
Colt, though he pretends to hate City Folk, is interested in buying a few artefacts from the Capital.
Should be 'artifacts'.
Besides those small things, I thought this was just as well written as your character sketch I read, and was rather enjoyable. Your style is very interesting to read, and your characters are well developed. I'm interested in finding out how Aethel fits into this.
I really liked how you wrote your dialogue; each character had a different way of talking, and I could know who was speaking easily without the dialogue tags.
Also, I really liked your character of Mylod. The idea of gynoids was interesting, and she was characterized especially well (in my opinion).
Hope to read more! |
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Last edited by Revere on Sun Mar 11, 2007 8:44 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Caligula's Launderette
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 1:10 am Post subject: |
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I don't really have time to do a critique of this write now. But, I saw it and was all 'Whee...'. I'll get around to saying something more constructive later.
Oh, btw, artefacts is correct, I noticed green_river said something about it being spelled wrong. Not that you wouldn't, but anyhow...
I think you have a noun-verb agreement issue here: All that remained from previous stores around it were debris composed of broken bricks, signposts, shards of glass, and a few trees still straddled the backyards. // Because debris is singular it should be: was debris.
Also I would cut out the and in front of the a few trees still.... So it reads: shards of glass; a few trees still straddled the backyards..
I really like Juvenal, and Ovid really intrigues me, as does Lew.
Ta,
Cal. |
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order
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 3:08 am Post subject: |
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Cool story, I really can't say anything bad about it so the only feed back I can give are things about the wording of some phrases. Please tell me if I am making a wrong assumption or correction with these edits.
"He navigated a black arrow"
I suggest change a to the since it just seems to make it flow better
"Spent seventy odd years in a dump, she did, 'till I patched her up."
It think you should somehow indicate that Lew said this since Lew isn't there, like after you say that Lew made her have something like, Lew had once said or somethin along those lines
"laid ontop of one another to make up the capital"
Maybe something like, "stacked upon one another, culminating in the capital" |
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Poor Imp
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| Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 5:18 am Post subject: |
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Ah, Myth, you reposted! And I have to say near the same thing as CL: my time is abbreviated, to say the least. !_!
But this seemed quite a bit smoother than what you posted before? In fact, the opening seemed different. And the small details of the world/setting caught my attention in the best way possible, in that they added to an overall impression in the offhand way that a man's manner adds to one's judgment of him. They seemed quite natural.
So, this is a note saying that I'll get back to this eventually. Though I'd also like to finish the critique on Harpies. (Oy, and I owe Shafter. #_# and Gyr)
IMP |
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Myth
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| Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 10:20 am Post subject: |
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| Everyone: Thank you all for reading and picking out the errors! Unfortunately, I won't be posting anymore because I'm leaving and I wouldn't want anyone to post when I won't be around to read the messages. I really appreciate you all taking your time =] |
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Poor Imp
imp forgets what was writ
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| Posted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 4:50 pm Post subject: |
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Leaving? #_# Ach, say it isn't so, my dear Myth.
Well, if so, I'd be glad to email you a critique, if you'd still like it. I hate to think of not getting to it...
IMP |
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'We experiment with ourselves in a way we would never permit ourselves to experiment with animals and, carried away by our curiosity, we cheerfully vivisect our souls.'-Nietszche |
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