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My Love For You
My Love For You

by Bailey Holcomb in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on March 9, 2007
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A silly work called Monsters Under My Bed Goto page 1, 2  Next

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Goldenheart   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 09, 2007 11:04 pm    Post subject: A silly work called Monsters Under My Bed Reply with quote

When bedtime comes 'round, I am filled up with dread. 

There's monsters, MONSTERS, under my bed! 



They're angry, they're hungry, they drool, and they shed!

There's monsters down there an' they all want me dead!



My mum says good night; I am tucked snugly in. 

I lie in the dark with the sheets to my chin. 



I hear them! They're stirring! They mutter and growl!

They smack and they slobber, they moan and they yowl!



"We're hungry!" They bellow, "It's time for a meal!"

I hug my stuffed teddy. "Don't eat me!" I squeal.  



"Who said that?" one cries out, "Is somebody there? 

You're frightening all of us out of our hair!"



I peek in at them- they peek out at me. 

There's six, with a blanket all spread out for tea. 



"What is it?" They scream, "Will it eat us, I wonder?"

They rise in a second, cast china asunder. 



I climb out of bed, kick the covers away. 

"Don't worry, I've just HAD my supper!" I say. 



The monsters peep out and blink wee eyes at me. 

"You're full, then?" They ask, "You won't join us for tea?"



"No, thank you," I say, "but I WOULD like to know, 

Do you folks eat children?" They laugh. "Heavens, no! 



We like to eat teacakes and warm gingerbread!" 

I sigh and crawl happily back into bed. 



So, now I don't worry. These monsters are small, 

and, (Aside from snatched teacakes,) do no harm at all.

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Last edited by Goldenheart on Sat Mar 10, 2007 4:29 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Sumi H. Inkblot   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 2:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Please tell me you've read the Calvin and Hobbes comic.
Perfect. I love it.
One thing: ""Heaven's, no!"" should be "Heavens, no!". Or else it is, "Heaven is, no!" Razz
Thanks for making me laugh.

~Sumi

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Last edited by Sumi H. Inkblot on Sat Sep 08, 2007 10:27 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 7:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was great! It made me laugh. I like how the poem shifts. It was amazing. Please write more!
Ryan
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 7:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I actually REALLY like this! It's definitely a nice pace change from the usual depression poetry here Very Happy .

It made me laugh, but it was actually written very well also. I feel like it belongs in a S.S. book!

Good job!

Ciao,
Meg

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 7:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ha! Very funny! Laughing Laughing

"We're hungry!" They bellow, "It's time for a meal!"
I hug my stuffed teddy. "Don't eat me!" I squeal.

...and... Very Happy

"What is it?" They scream, "Will it eat us, I wonder?"
They rise in a second, cast china asunder.

Those are my favourite bits! Nice beat to it as well, and I liked the rhyming in it.

-ShadowTwit

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 8:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You might consider trying to publish this in a children's literary magazine something. It's good! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 10:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you have been jumping around and checking out other, past critiques done by both snoink and I, you'd see how 'lavishly' we deal out praise...you really have a good piece here. I'm very impressed. Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 10, 2007 11:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, thanks, guys!

Thank you also, Sumi, for pointing out my grammar mistake. How embarassing!

I'm glad you liked it.

Goldie

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 11, 2007 11:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really liked this poem. It's funny, easy to understand and has a great rhyming scheme Smile.
By the way I love the word "asunder".
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 12, 2007 5:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow this was really good. And to think I almost thought the kid was going to be eaten hehe i really loved how it flowed.

Quote:
"What is it?" They scream, "Will it eat us, I wonder?"
They rise in a second, cast china asunder.

That's my favorite part. Smile

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2007 11:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

lol...

all I have to say is Laughing Laughing Laughing
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 4:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

very cool i love it lol
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 5:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Love this poem! Its a great childs rhyme!

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2007 9:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lol. This was great, very funny. I think the second line needs another syllabyl. Maybe choose an adjective with two syllabyls, and say "(adjective) monsters lurk under my bed."
I love the couplets, they were skillfully done, and helped with the pace and the tone.
I'm not sure about "You're frightening all of us out of our hair." It sounded a little forced.
Maybe say "save for" instead of "aside from" as it flows better.
This was a lovely story, and the couplets were a great touch. You developed it very well, and I loved the ending.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 12:38 am    Post subject: Poetry's not my thing but.... Reply with quote

I'm no poet, but I enjoy reading it sometimes. I'm new and this is the first poem I have read here but I have to say...It's really good. It made me chuckle and I needed that today. Thank you for that.

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This thread was created on March 9, 2007

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