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A Different Kind of Storybook
A Different Kind of Storybook

by Bella in Storybooks
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on April 13, 2006
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Drifting--Ch.2

Drifting (A Spirited Away Fanfiction)
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_fallingstar_   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 5:50 pm    Post subject: Drifting (A Spirited Away Fanfiction) Reply with quote

Disclaimer: I do not own Spirited Away.

The brakes squealed loudly, and the old yellow school bus came to a rumbling halt in front of the construction site. The children inside the bus, all of them around seven or eight years old, clustered to the windows, their noses leaving marks on the glass. Their excited chattering grew to a loud crescendo, completely unaware that their teacher was trying to get their attention.

A few short blasts from a whistle solved that.

The talking died down almost immediately as the students reluctantly returned to their seats. Their teacher returned the silver whistle to her pocket as she waited for them to settle down. Once the last of the whispering had ceased, and every pair of eyes rested on her, she began to speak.

“I know that you are all excited,” she began in a stern tone. “But that does not give you a reason to act like animals. You are all young ladies and gentlemen, and I expect you to act as such.”

A few students rolled their eyes and slumped down in their seats. They had heard this lecture before; they heard it every time that they went on a field trip.

“You will be respectful and on your best behavior,” the teacher continued. “Remember, you are representing your school, and we want to make a good impression. Are we clear?”

She looked around again to make sure that everyone was listening.

“Good. Now, we are going to line up quietly, and then we will go into the construction site.”

The murmuring started up again, but not nearly as loud as before. The students filed out of the bus quietly, their shoes crunching on the gravel underfoot. A man gave them hardhats at the entrance, and a construction worker gave them a tour of the area.

“Mr.… Brice, is that it?” the teacher asked the construction worker tentatively. He was a bulky, muscled man who looked as if he would be more at home in a wrestling ring. “Could you… explain to the students why this construction is taking place?”

Mr. Brice snorted. “Sure.”

He turned to face the students. “See this?” he said, gesturing to the cluster of half built buildings around them. “By the time y’all are in junior high, these apartment buildings will be full of people. There’s a lot of people moving into this town, kiddies, and it ain’t Kansas anymore.”

He laughed at his own joke, but the teacher looked strained.

“I…I’m sorry, but I don’t think that I quite follow you,” she said.

“Oh, the Kansas thing? I dunno what that has to do with anything either… I just like saying it!”

He laughed again, slapping the teacher on the shoulder and nearly knocking her over.

“Yes… Well…” The teacher dusted herself off as though dirt was a disease. “We really should be—”

A short scream cut her off, and everyone turned towards the sound.

One of the students, a young girl with brown hair tied in a ponytail, was standing at the edge of what appeared to be a deep trench, her hand over her mouth.

“Miss Ogino! Get away from there!” the teacher snapped, grabbing the girl’s hands and pulling her away from the edge.

“No!” the girl cried, pulling away from her. “The river—!”

“What in the world are you talking about?” the teacher half shouted. She was beginning to become extremely frustrated with her students. “There is no river there!”

“That’s the point!” the girl shouted back. Huge tears began to roll down her cheeks. “There was a river there! What did they do to it?!”

“Drained it,” Mr. Brice said bluntly.

“You WHAT?” the girl shouted hysterically.

“Mr. Brice! You are not helping the situation!” the teacher said angrily, stooping down to the girl’s height.

“…The river…” The girl once again lapsed into tears.

“Is it really all that bad?” the teacher asked the sobbing child. “If you think about it, a river is only just water after all—“

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that, miss.”

The teacher looked over to see a young man, probably in his twenties, climb out of the trench, dirt and a concerned expression on his face.

“Get back to work, boy,” Mr. Brice growled.

The worker made a face at him, and then turned back to the teacher and the girl.

“I agree with the girl,” he said. “Nothing good ever comes out of messing with nature.”

“Shut up, boy,” Mr. Brice continued, making the children gasp.

“He said the ‘S’ word!”

“Please, Mr. Brice,” the teacher said. “Let’s hear him out.”

“Thank you, miss,” the worker said, tipping the brim of his construction hat. “As I was saying… Nothing good ever comes of messing with nature. If I didn’t have to pay for my grandmother’s hospital bills, then I wouldn’t be here myself. You see, the thing is, people say that there is a dragon guarding this river.”

A short silence followed this statement which was quickly broken by the excited chattering of the students.

“Here we go again,” Mr. Brice said, throwing his hands in the air. “You and your damn fairy tales…”

“Teacher, he said the ‘D’ word! Wash his mouth out with soap!”

The teacher was about to say something to the young worker, but then she noticed that her student had stopped crying. She was gazing at the young worker with bright astonishment and hope in her eyes.

“…Please continue.”

The worker tipped his hat again. “Well, I used to come to this river a lot when I was a little kid, y’know? Throwing rocks and such. After a while, it was like… I had a sort of bond with the river, like…”

“…Something always draws you back,” the girl finished.

A brief connection ran between them.

“Yes,” the worker said softly. “That was exactly what it was like."

“My mother said that it meant that the river spirit had a hold on me. I considered myself too old to believe in spirits, but then…”

He paused.

“I saw something at the bottom of the river. I was swimming along the bank and it passed right by me. It looked exactly how the dragon are described in the old stories… only… it’s much better to see one in person.”

The children were truly excited by now, although Mr. Brice looked like he was about to explode with rage.

“The dragon won’t be happy that we took his home away from him,” the worker finished. “…And I’m truly sorry to say that I hand a hand in it.”

“GET BACK TO WORK!” Mr. Brice bellowed. “OR MAYBE YOUR DRAGON CAN PROTECT YOU FROM GETTING FIRED?”

The worker smiled a little at this outburst, but tipped his hard hat once again and disappeared into the trench.

“Stupid…” Mr. Brice pulled a dirty rag out of his pocket and wiped his face with it, leaving smudges of dirt on his forehead.

“…All right, it’s time to move on, everyone,” the teacher said, still looking at the place where the worker had disappeared.

“Aww…”

“But I wanna see the dragon!”

Reluctantly, the students moved away from the trench and on to look at the tractors.

The teacher put a hand on the girl’s shoulder.

“Will you be okay?”

The girl nodded.

“I’ll give you a minute.” The weight of her hand disappeared from her shoulder, and the girl heard the crunch of the gravel as she walked a few steps away.

She gazed down into the trench, trying to remember what it had looked like when water had flowed through the banks, clear and pure, but ever so fast…

She closed her eyes and tried to remember…

A pink shoe that was swept up by the current…


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Last edited by _fallingstar_ on Sat Apr 22, 2006 12:10 am; edited 5 times in total
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 1:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like how this is a fanfiction and you can see definate links with Miyazaki's Spirited Away, but at the same time, this isn't just a regurgitation of the original story. You've put new ideas in here, with new characters. I'd like to see how this turns out if you're adding more to it..

I'll take a closer look at this later. (Can't now 'cause I'm going out..)

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like how it starts off. The imagery is a little jerky, but that is how Miyazaki works anyway. You typoed with "breaks", it should be "brakes."

As you continued along though, the story got progressively more American.

This is set in Japan, but the references the boss is making are definitely American.

Quote:
“By the time y’all are in junior high, these apartment buildings will be full of people. There’s a lot of people moving into this town, kiddies, and it ain’t Kansas anymore.”


Too American and much too casual. Japan is just a mite more formal, at least in Miyazaki's stuff.

It eventually turns into an environmental protest thing. Things get a little too dramatic with the river thing. I'd make it so that the manager was telling the kids how it was necessary. I'd then add in some forboding elements to suggest that it wasn't good, maybe a dark cloud, or the beginnings of a storm.

The entire river/dragon thing is a little too hyped up. Instead of the hype, use nature to give an impression.

Miyazaki is very subtle with stories, this is a little too bold.

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 14, 2006 5:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for the reviews... and yes, I'm going to be adding more. This is just the start of it.

I agree with you, Griffinkeeper, the boss does sound really American, huh? The point of it was to make him unlikeable and out of tune with people's feelings and the environment. And as for the 'brakes' thing... that didn't seem right to me either, but since the spellchecker didn't pick it up, I left it there. I'm going to change it right now.

And yes, my writing style is very bold. I wanted to see if my writing style could fit with a story like this.

Thanks for the reviews again, and I should have the next part up in a couple of days (if school doesn't get in the way). Wink

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 1:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Since this is set in japan, I think the students would call Mr. Brice 'Sensei'.

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 15, 2006 11:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yep, that's right! Anyways, we call our japanese teacher Sensei, so Jennafina's probably right there..

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 1:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree, it is a little bit bold, but I love Spirited Away, so I gobbled up every word.

Mr Brice does sound American with his use of "ya'll" and "ain't." Perhaps it would be better to make him American?

Other than that, good job. It's super hard to do fanfiction, and you've pulled it off quite admirably. Of course, I'll probably force/beg you to post some of your original stuff up (your style is gorgeous!) because it would be really really super awesome. After all, I'm loving your style now. It doesn't seem to fit because of the original story, but I think you would be great at original fiction. Smile

Will we be seeing more? Wink

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2006 2:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

By popular demand, Mr. Brice is officially American. Very Happy

I will probably be posting original work soon, but I need to learn to finish the things that I start, so I'll finish up this fanfiction as well. This story actually takes place before the movie (this is somewhat of a prologue) so expect to see more of the characters from the film in the next chapter.

--Fallingstar Wink

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PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2006 11:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's a very good start. I love the movie and I always tried to picture what happened after it ended. I hope that you'll continue working on this.

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 10, 2006 10:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved the film and i think you did really well keeping it to the original story, i attempted writing a fanfiction for Spirited away but i could quite get it right,s o well done this is really good and i hope to see more!

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 19, 2007 4:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey I really liked your story. I have seen the movie Spirited Away and I really liked it too. It is great to see a Spirited Away story.
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