Topic ID: 12731
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 13 Dec 2006
Posts: 1944
Reviews: 752
Country: Where the wild things are.
521 Points
|
 Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 3:06 am Post subject: Untitled |
 |
|
|
_________________
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."
Last edited by Cade on Sat May 19, 2007 7:08 pm; edited 5 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Crysi
Cold and Fragile
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 16 Nov 2004
Posts: 4362
Reviews: 572
Country: California Crew, yo.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Jan 15, 2007 4:15 am Post subject: |
|
|
...WOW.
Normally I don't venture into the Non-Fiction forums - I generally read to get away from reality, you know? But... wow. This was fantastic.
I love how you maintain almost a cold, even, numb voice throughout. It really brings out the darkness of the subject. I think you expressed things all of us have felt when something terrible happens and we don't quite know what to say. That happened a few times at my school within the past couple years.
Very, very well-written. Excellent. |
_________________
[Prokaryote] 8:00 pm: awwwww we love you too Crysis. but we hate your satanic WoW rituals |
|
| Back to top |
|
Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 7086
Reviews: 1754
Country: Riverbluff, MO
1137 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 16, 2007 4:25 am Post subject: |
|
|
This was really powerful, I liked reading it. Just like crysi said, very well written.
| Quote: |
| An fading flower-patterned couch groaned as I leaned against it. |
that 'an' should be 'a'
My only complaint, is its a little hard to follow. I was really confused at the beginning. The sentences were just confusing, I couldn't figure out what they were talking about. but once I got past that, I really enjoyed reading it. |
_________________
I demand
you put my heart back in my hand,
and wipe it clean from the mess you made of me. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Samuel Garrison
God Save the King!
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 27
Joined: 27 Sep 2005
Posts: 1649
Reviews: 297
Country: Native Vermonter.
434 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 19, 2007 11:49 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I agree too; this was written well. I especially liked that although the story was about the loss of a person, it wasn't drawn out into a sobfest, like "Boo hoo, look what happened."
You managed to lay down the fact, "I knew of this person, this is the cause of death, and this is what I thought of the situation and how I reacted," in a decisive, clear and interesting manner.
As for me, back in 2000, the same year I lost my grandfather (and you will see I was mourning for him in my portfolio; the typical sobby junk), shortly after, a good friend of mine was killed by an intoxicated driver. He was in the car with the driver, and was thrown through the windshield. He was reported of dieing on contact. The worst part was that the driver was going to my school, and like him, we were both seniors. I had a lot of trouble in controling my temper and really just the upmost hatred for him. If it was not for the support of family and friends that talked to me, and tried to show me the "light" so to speak, I'm not sure what I would have done. It was a hard year for sure. The only real thing that kept me under control was the possible guilt the driver was undergoing, Afterall, he is a murderer, and he will have to live with that mistake for the rest of his life.
I bring this up because I have a vague idea what went through your mind. I think this is nice that you wrote this up for Jonathan. I'm sure his family appreciates it because it's a way of remembering someone. Thanks for sharing. |
_________________
PM me if you have added me to a messeging service, otherwise the invitation'll be blocked.
230th F&I Commemeration; Fort Ti, 2007 |
|
| Back to top |
|
Chairman
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 10 Feb 2007
Posts: 30
Reviews: 9
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Feb 12, 2007 12:04 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Wow. IS that real?
(Oh darn, I shouldn't have asked that - this is non-fiction.)
I have to agree with fishr - it was good. It is so easy to turn these death narratives into sobfests. But you didn't. It was a good, direct description of the event. So this is what I can say: "Wow." |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
