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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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 Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 2:36 am Post subject: Have You |
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Have you seen my love? My heart?
It ran away from home last year.
Perhaps you’ve glimpsed it from the highway,
trying to hitchhike a ride to California,
or maybe it was running naked
and giddy through dusk-heavy fields,
trailing kisses through the rows of corn.
If you see it,
would you ask it to come back?
Or would you pluck it up and take it west?
Have you seen my love? |
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Last edited by Cade on Sat Oct 27, 2007 9:31 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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rosethorn
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| Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 4:16 am Post subject: |
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Wow.
I loved it. It's very...authentic? I get visuals of things you don't even mention in the poem. Particularly dusty blue jeans?
The last line is kind of dropped there for me. But no complaints.
Great work!
As always,
Miss POKE |
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Cameron
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| Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 9:01 pm Post subject: |
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| It ran away from home last year. |
This is rather redundant and a little too blunt for my liking.
Also, what is the significance of "taking it west"? Otherwise, nice work.
Cameron |
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Trident
The Tattered Scribe is in us all.
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| Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 9:44 pm Post subject: |
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| Also, what is the significance of "taking it west"? |
I think it refers to the U.S. expansion westward... making a new life, starting anew. But of course, I could be wrong. |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 9:53 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it, and can't really make any complaints other than I didn't like the last line. You already said it at the beginning; try to end us on a better note than one we've already heard.
It's real original. I loved the voice used for it. If that makes sense? |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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| Posted: Thu Feb 01, 2007 11:00 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for all the replies! I recently submitted this piece to the Gannon University poetry contest. 
I definitely agree with the sentiments expressed about the last line; it is awkward. I simply couldn't come up with anything to put there and resorted to repetition.
I thought that finishing with "Or would you pluck it up and take it west?" would be strange. It didn't sound like a finish. I still didn't like having three questions right in a row there at the end.
Does anyone have suggestions for what I could put there?
Cameron and Trident - The part about taking it west was a reference to the end of the first stanza. It's trying to hitchhike to California. I did like that interpretation about expansion. I did actually write the part about going to California with Manifest Destiny, the gold rush, and East of Eden running through my head, just those things with connotations of a new life and "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence".
Thanks again!
Colleen |
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Sohini
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| Posted: Sun Feb 04, 2007 7:33 am Post subject: |
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grand poem.
really creative and so to the point..love it.
great theme and excellect idea!!
this is really such a fresh poem. |
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