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This thread was created on January 3, 2007
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Topic ID: 12427
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 13 Dec 2006 Posts: 1882 Reviews: 747 Country: Where the wild things are. 387 Points
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Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 1:22 am Post subject: Motorcycle Drive By |
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Eleven-thirty. The cook handed me an apron
and eyed the cellphone in my pocket.
"Hide that," he said.
Shrugging, I slipped it into my coat,
balling it into a corner of the stainless steel shelf.
Noon. Winter air skidded down the steps
and came to a flourishing halt in the
dining room as the door opened.
As "greeter" I sat there, grinning
at the neglected hair,
calloused skin and
wind-whipped jackets that
blew in with the snow.
"Welcome to Asbury Soup Kitchen!
Happy holidays, and remember to sign in."
They scribble names and
yell to Isabella for coffee.
Half past noon. A grey-haired,
red-skinned bundle of collected clothing
grabbed the pencil. I looked over
the dining room as he signed.
An unexpected hand on my cheek;
I gasped. "Cold, isn't it?"
said the bright-eyed bundle.
"Cold, yes," I told him,
breathless from surprise.
One forty-five. I was restless,
bouncing on the balls of my feet
as I watched them exit into the mix of snow
and rain outside. "Have a nice day."
The man in the baseball cap stopped:
"You have a lovely smile."
He pulled the door open,
letting in another sweep of wind
to curl around my ankles as I
sputtered a thanks.
Two o'clock. I retrieved my phone
and coat from the kitchen,
snatching a piece of bread
from the cook on my way out.
Our troupe of high school volunteers
wandered out into the parking lot,
pretending not to see the man
on the bicycle, a bag of soda cans
balanced precariously on the handlebars. |
_________________ "My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."
Last edited by Cade on Sat Oct 27, 2007 9:32 pm; edited 5 times in total |
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Crysi
Cold and Fragile Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 16 Nov 2004 Posts: 4361 Reviews: 572 Country: California Crew, yo. 333 Points
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Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 1:36 am Post subject: |
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Hmm... I like this. I can read it two different ways - from the eyes of the volunteers, or from the eyes of an outside specatator. I like how you present both the frustration and impatience of the high schoolers along with the kindness and unfortunate circumstances of strangers.
Oh, and I REALLY like the ending - it's not that it was really unexpected, but it adds a cold charm to the message.
I'm not sure whether this should really be in poetry format, however. A short story might fit it better. Poetry is generally reserved for multiple meanings, metaphors, and a general connection with the reader. Ask Brad (Incandescence) for a better description. My point is, I think it would work equally as well, if not better, as a short story. You could even add a few more details to each singular event.
Whatever you decide to do with this, it's a very good message, and even the title adds to it. Good job.  |
_________________ [Prokaryote] 8:00 pm: awwwww we love you too Crysis. but we hate your satanic WoW rituals |
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| This thread was created on January 3, 2007 |
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