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Teenage love
Teenage love

by 1993vlad@gmail.com in Lyrics
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Dramatic Poetry

This thread was created on January 3, 2007
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Motorcycle Drive By
Topic ID: 12427
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Cade   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 1:22 am    Post subject: Motorcycle Drive By Reply with quote

Eleven-thirty. The cook handed me an apron

and eyed the cellphone in my pocket.

"Hide that," he said.

Shrugging, I slipped it into my coat,

balling it into a corner of the stainless steel shelf.



Noon. Winter air skidded down the steps

and came to a flourishing halt in the

dining room as the door opened.

As "greeter" I sat there, grinning

at the neglected hair,

calloused skin and

wind-whipped jackets that

blew in with the snow.

"Welcome to Asbury Soup Kitchen! 

Happy holidays, and remember to sign in."

They scribble names and 

yell to Isabella for coffee.



Half past noon. A grey-haired,

red-skinned bundle of collected clothing

grabbed the pencil. I looked over

the dining room as he signed.

An unexpected hand on my cheek;

I gasped. "Cold, isn't it?"

said the bright-eyed bundle.

"Cold, yes," I told him,

breathless from surprise.



One forty-five. I was restless,

bouncing on the balls of my feet

as I watched them exit into the mix of snow

and rain outside. "Have a nice day."

The man in the baseball cap stopped:

"You have a lovely smile."

He pulled the door open,

letting in another sweep of wind

to curl around my ankles as I

sputtered a thanks.



Two o'clock. I retrieved my phone

and coat from the kitchen,

snatching a piece of bread 

from the cook on my way out.

Our troupe of high school volunteers

wandered out into the parking lot,

pretending not to see the man

on the bicycle, a bag of soda cans

balanced precariously on the handlebars.

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Last edited by Cade on Sat Oct 27, 2007 9:32 pm; edited 5 times in total
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Crysi   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 1:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm... I like this. I can read it two different ways - from the eyes of the volunteers, or from the eyes of an outside specatator. I like how you present both the frustration and impatience of the high schoolers along with the kindness and unfortunate circumstances of strangers.

Oh, and I REALLY like the ending - it's not that it was really unexpected, but it adds a cold charm to the message.

I'm not sure whether this should really be in poetry format, however. A short story might fit it better. Poetry is generally reserved for multiple meanings, metaphors, and a general connection with the reader. Ask Brad (Incandescence) for a better description. My point is, I think it would work equally as well, if not better, as a short story. You could even add a few more details to each singular event.

Whatever you decide to do with this, it's a very good message, and even the title adds to it. Good job. Smile

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This thread was created on January 3, 2007

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