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Playing The Field - Epilogue
Playing The Field - Epilogue

by Meep(: in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on December 6, 2006
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Possible Related Items Follow:
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chapter 3
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Chapter 3 of innocence {draft two}
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blessed chapter 4

Chapter 2

Topic ID: 11840
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 07, 2006 4:03 am    Post subject: Chapter 2 Reply with quote

When Simon awoke he was still entirely dressed and for some reason even with his shoes and socks on his feet was frozen. On his desk sat a bible he didn’t recognize, it had a black leather cover with a nice strap to hold it shut. On the front there was a big golden cross and on the bible a note.

Dear Simon,

I had a feeling you had forgotten so here is a token from us up here to you down there. You know about your powers yet you will have to discover them on your own. You have one week until I come back again. God bless you and may God’s peace be with you,

Ezekiel Christ, child and servant of God.

Simon remembered the strange dream he had had that night. Wasn’t the angel who came to see him named Ezekiel? Reality and imagination seemed to blend together for Simon for a moment. Who gave him this bible and why? Was his dream real? What was he to believe? When Simon got his head straight and decided that the angel was just a dream he went downstairs to do his homework. When he started his English homework he smelt something coming from the kitchen. Something smelled like it was burning. He went into the kitchen to see the burning of the stove on and a towel lying right next to it. When Simon went to turn off the burner he accidentally knocked the towel onto the burner, which he found out was quite greasy from cleaning nasty pots and pans. It immediately shot up in flames. When Simon tried to put the fire out with water it did almost nothing. Simon remembered that you can’t put out a grease fire with water. He then tried to smother it with the pot, which only made it spread out across the counter top. The counters were now burning. Simon rushed for the extinguisher. When he got the extinguisher from under the sink the fire had started licking its way towards the garage getting bigger by the second. The fire now had grown to be about three feet high and covered the counter. Simon tried the fire extinguisher yet nothing but a thin puff of smoke came out, the extinguisher was empty! He ran upstairs to grab the phone which he had left in his room when he found out the line was dead! Everything was going wrong for Simon right now. “Please God, Oh please lord, help me I beg you.” He ran back downstairs and the fire was still growing; now reaching for the cabinets above it. Simon ran outside yelling for help. When he looked through the window he could see the fire reach the cabinet, the one his parents kept all their legal documents and credit cards. Simon knew what would happen if those burned down. Simon ran back towards his house. Something in the fire made it jump, And start to burn out the door of the cabinet. “NO!!!!” Simon yelled as he ran toward the house. He made it outside of the window as the fire started to grasp the paper. “NOOO!!!!!!!” yelled Simon as he put his hands in front of him. The glass suddenly shattered and the fire was put out. Frost fell from Simon’s hands and the glass was frozen solid. The fire was out now, but Simon had to explain to his parents now how the window broke and why the counters were charred. Simon stared at the palm of his hands in disbelief. There was still a small spot on his palm where the frost hadn’t melted yet. He stared at his hands until they had thawed. Simon rushed inside and looked at the note again. He understood it now. It wasn’t a dream and this-, this ice was his power. Now all he had to do was learn how to use it. He wondered if the ice only came from his hands. He thought about what his feet felt like that morning how cold they were, maybe he could do what Ezekiel did the first time. Simon concentrated hard on the idea, the look the smell everything about ice. Then he pictured in his head the ice forming around his shoes. Simon opened his eyes and to his surprise… nothing. Simon tried again, thinking that their might be something to do with his hands. He concentrated on the idea of ice encircling his shoes and Simon felt a cool breeze blow by, it seemed as though it was swirling around him. Simon was doing it! He was controlling the ice! Simon wondered what he was to do next. “Maybe I have to point with my hands.” Simon thought aloud to himself. Simon pointed at the ground and out of his finger came almost a line of snow, a very fast line of snow which started to make a pile on his floor. He closed his hand. He pointed the palms of his hand towards the wall. Two large almost beams of ice formed in front of his hands and froze to the wall solidly. Simon looked at the ice, it looked almost like glass, and it was hard that was for sure. Simon realized something; he didn’t know how to melt it! Simon looked at the clock. It was 4:45 and his parents got home at 6, he didn’t have that much time for a whole wall of ice to melt. He ran upstairs and grabbed his mother’s blow-dryer. He grabbed his brother’s fan and went back to the ice wall. He tied the blow-dryer to the top of the fan and put the fan on rotate, so that he wouldn’t have top hold it the whole time. HE ran to the window he had broken earlier. “If I can make walls of ice, can I make windows?” Simon pointed his palms at the window frame and after two seconds there was a new pane in the window, this one made out of ice. He ran back to the wall of ice. He grabbed his sister’s blow dryer and helped melt it too. At 5:30 the ice had melted and he mopped it up, just as he heard sirens. “I guess one of the neighbors did hear me.” Said Simon. When his parents got home he got off easy. He didn’t have to explain a broken window or how the fire started. The firefighters told Mrs. Peters never to leave her stove on, even if it was on accident and to be more careful.

Simon was considered a hero in the house for the day for putting out the fire. His parents didn’t even ground him for his detention because of it. Everything was going good now. Yet his powers they were so extraordinary yet they didn’t make sense. He had one week to figure out how to use them, and then Ezekiel will tell him why he has them. It looked to Simon as though his life had gotten a whole lot more complicated.

A few days later Simon looked at the window. It was getting smaller so he patched it up. Simon wasn’t very careful though to make sure no one was looking. T.J. was walking up to the door to get Simon when he saw him in the window. The window was partially down at the moment. Simon seemed really concentrated on whatever he was looking at. Simon raised his palms up to the window, and as if by magic. A beam of ice shut the window! T.J. was astounded and scared all at the same time. He wasn’t sure if he should glorify his friend for his abilities or freak out about it. Yet T.J. knew that other people wouldn’t take well to it. He decided to Keep Simons ability a secret between them, when Simon thought the time was right he would tell T. J. about it. When Simon left the house both T.J. and Simon walked to school together and in a very chatty mood. They talked about everything from sports to school, yet never did either of them mention the window incident. Yet T.J. and Simon weren’t the only two to notice the window. A man with a long black leather coat on saw icicles hanging from the families’ window in the middle of October on a 40 degree day. He smirked a little.

“So it looks like you’ve chosen his defender, eh God.” The man said staring at the sky. He slowly walked into the shadows of the tree in Simons front yard and wit the twirl of his coat he seemed almost as if to swirl down into the darkness and disappear.

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 22, 2006 11:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good, Very good,but there is one problem.
Simon seems to take to his powers to easaly. He just all of a sudden believed in them. thats all I have to say.

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consider rephrasing
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 31, 2006 5:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
When Simon awoke he was still entirely dressed and for some reason even with his shoes and socks on his feet was frozen.
For some reason I have a feeling that this should be in two separate sentences.

Quote:
On his desk sat a bible he didn’t recognize, it had a black leather cover with a nice strap to hold it shut. On the front there was a big golden cross and on the bible a note.
Firstly, too many ‘bibles’. Use synonyms. Also, I think you jumped to the subject way to fast. ‘On the front’ and ‘on the bible’ - isn’t that the same?

Next thing: Apart form formatting, you should somehow separate the note.

Quote:
I had a feeling you had forgotten so here is a token from us up here to you down there
I liked the ‘from us up here to you down there’. A comma after ‘forgotten’.

Quote:
When Simon got his head straight and decided that the angel was just a dream he went downstairs to do his homework.
After ‘dream’ a comma. Also, after that I suggest you push enter.

Quote:
When Simon went to turn off the burner he accidentally knocked the towel onto the burner, which he found out was quite greasy from cleaning nasty pots and pans.
I think you put too much into the sentence (the pots and pans part). Also, a synonym for burner? And the sentence is a bit complex…

At this point I am starting to think that you jump to fast from one action to another. Another thing: You put to many sentence with “ (coma) which….”

Quote:
Simon tried the fire extinguisher yet nothing but a thin puff of smoke came out, the extinguisher was empty!
The part after the comma should be in a separate sentence.

Quote:
A few days later Simon looked at the window. It was getting smaller so he patched it up.
I don’t really get this sentence…

Quote:
When Simon left the house both T.J. and Simon walked to school together and in a very chatty mood.
To many Simons… There are a lot of these situations in your stoy, but I am not going to point out every one of them.

Okay, so those where most of the mistakes. Most.

My private opinion is that you rushed with the story. I mean, really rushed. Action happens too fast, and because of that the text is turned into chaos. You have no formatting, push ‘enter’ a bit more because there is a lack of paragraphs when they are needed. I am sorry to say that I had to make myself read this and that I think you did not put enough effort into this.

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 31, 2006 5:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You may want to add some formatting in order to gain more critiques. THe more user friendly a story is the more users you have. Simple.

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This thread was created on December 6, 2006

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