Topic ID: 11092
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Karma
Novelist
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Age: 16
Joined: 05 Feb 2006
Posts: 279
Reviews: 122
Country: Far Far Away In A Land Known Only To Me
300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 7:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Elizabeth wrote: |
Oh my GOD... Short, elegant, humerous, beautiful.
I ENVY YOUR TALENT!
Tell me I'm beautiful, that was the best part... I mean, all the words... they were pretty... I liked it, I didn't think your eadlly needed to change anything... Though I would punch my boyfriend outta spite if he told me I was weird lol... and then shove the earmuffs in his mouth.
I loved this, I've been waiting for a new thing of yours. |
yep. |
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Dream Deep
i came here stiller than you
Epic Novelist
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Joined: 18 Apr 2006
Posts: 3667
Reviews: 504
Country: so far so good
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Nov 27, 2006 7:06 pm Post subject: |
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Shriek, this was wonderful, in every sense. The pacing, the characters, the style. I loved and I would absolutely love to see more.
This is a fine piece. ^_^ |
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Моё судно на воздушной подушке полно угрей. |
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Griffinkeeper
Storybook Godfather
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661 Points
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| Posted: Tue Nov 28, 2006 8:32 pm Post subject: |
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I liked the story, nothing like watching a character outguess themselves.
Rated G. |
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Shriek
thinking outrageously, i write in cursive.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 20 Feb 2005
Posts: 464
Reviews: 196
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 3:33 am Post subject: |
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Question of the Day (maybe Grif can answer this): Why did I get no email saying people had responded to this? Did YWS do away with the response-to-thread emails? I had no idea more people had replied ...
: (
Anyhow. Thanks for the replies, kids. -Grins-
Snoink, I posted the new intro some time ago. Your thoughts?
I am glad you could relate, Luxor. Having someone call you weird, not my favorite in the universe.
Dream Deep, thank you dahling. Good to see you around again. And reviewing my stuff, what a blessing!
Grif likes chick-lit, hahahahah! |
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Snoink
Snuggly
Writer of Legend
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Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 8891
Reviews: 2176
Country: USA
651 Points
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| Posted: Mon Dec 11, 2006 4:41 am Post subject: |
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That's why you need to visit YWS more, m'dear.  And yay! New introduction! *pounces*
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| I was on edge. The icy wind, biting cold, and that charmingly obnoxious, beautifully aggravating contradiction of a boy may have had something to do with it. |
On an edge? I don't know... it's MUCH better than it was, but the first sentence needs to be cleaned up. "I was nervous." Hmm... play with it a little.
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| He had agreed to walk me home, and had lent me his mother’s ugly fuchsia earmuffs as some sort of recompense for my help with his Hemingway paper. |
No comma between "home" and "and."
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| Helping him was hardly a chore. I was addicted to post-Great War authors and inhaling his cologne. |
I think a semicolon or a dash might do better there, actually! ^_^
But much better! You're quite a writer, did you know? |
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misspriss
Speaker of the Forum
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Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 648
Reviews: 82
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 4:11 pm Post subject: |
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I like it! And I agree with Arieda up there about the grinning into someones eye (or whatever it was) and she suggested just to say he was grinning. However, it seemed to me that you were going for something more subtle (were you?) so you could say something like-"the corners of his mouth slightly turned up in amusement"-or just something about how the corners of his mouth tilted or whatever you want, anyway, just a suggestion.  |
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sokool15
"Good God, you're a woman!"
Speaker of the Forum
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Joined: 11 Dec 2006
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Country: Wunderbar!
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2006 6:14 am Post subject: |
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This was really great work! I was impressed. I really enjoyed reading it and your word choice and the flow of your language is impressive. Good job...
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Shriek
thinking outrageously, i write in cursive.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 20 Feb 2005
Posts: 464
Reviews: 196
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2006 9:02 pm Post subject: |
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Snoink: Thanks for the nitpicks. I just revised those two problem spots as you suggested. And yeah, the beginning still doesn't feel right -- and it's driving me crazy! Gahh.
Sokool and miss priss: Thank you kindly. About the "grinning into the eyes" thing -- I must have been drug-induced when I threw those words together. No clue what I was thinking.
I keep reading and rereading this, and it still seems like an incomplete piece. I feel like I jumped the gun on posting it. -Sigh- Anyway, back to Microsoft Word... |
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i thought you were shallow, but then i fell in deep. |
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Nameless_And_Shamed
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 09 Oct 2005
Posts: 36
Reviews: 16
Country: Russellkill, Rockansas
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jan 04, 2007 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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| I love your (sort of) random title, but of course I use them myself, so.... Good job by the way. |
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Joeducktape
Band-Aid Hater
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 21 Dec 2005
Posts: 420
Reviews: 103
Country: Some town in Tennessee where people over-decorate for random holidays.
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 2:30 am Post subject: |
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Bravo, Shriek.
Tell me I'm beautiful. Oh, how many times I've thought that!
Wonderful. I felt very real to me. |
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