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Alanna
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 Posted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 3:39 am Post subject: Freedom |
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Gazing out the window longing for freedom and realizing you never again would have it. Back raw from endless tortures ,tears of pain running down your face. Did you want to die ? Did you continue to stay alive just deify Duza ? Did you realize that even though you were resigned to your fate your spirit sought freedom.
Longing for release they administered poison, comatose became your state.Still longing for release you spirit sought freedom.
Whipped,burned, poisoned you still hung on. they slowly begin to let you recover but for what reason to see their king. Resigned to your fate you may have been, but you spirit still sought freedom. Finally freedom came in the form of a boy and dragon, he healed you but for what purpose you mind wondered.Still your spirit sought freedom,and yet even as were healed in body you still sought freedom for the oppressed. Freedom's here you mind cried and his name is Eragon |
Last edited by Alanna on Fri Nov 24, 2006 6:55 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Sage
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| Posted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 4:21 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, Alanna!
Since you posted this in fanfiction, I assume it's meant to be a story of some sort...? It seems closer to a rant-style poem to me; to get any good crits on it, I think you'll have to make up your mind which it is and structure accordingly;) Oh, and be careful with your spelling and grammar. I won't crit yet, because it seems like you're a bit undecided about what this is supposed to do, but you might want to take another look at that. |
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Alanna
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| Posted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 4:23 pm Post subject: |
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| I think it's a rant style poem. |
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Sage
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| Posted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 4:30 pm Post subject: |
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| Ah. In that case, my poetry-critiquing skills are small to nonexistent, but I will tell you this: they'll get on you for structure. Even if it isn't supposed to rhyme, you'll want to make sure it's coherent. |
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Krystalstars
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| Posted: Sat Nov 18, 2006 5:30 pm Post subject: Re: Freedom |
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| Alanna wrote: |
Gazing out the window longing for freedom and realizing you never again would have it. Back raw from endless tortures ,tears of pain running down your face. Did you want to die ? Did you continue to stay alive just deify Duza ? Did you realize that even though you were resigned to your fate your spirit sought freedom.
Longing for release they administered poison, comatose became your state.Still longing for release you spirit sought freedom.
Whipped,burned, poisoned you still hung on. they slowly begin to let you recover but for what reason to see their king. Resigned to your fate you may have been, but you spirit still sought freedom. Finally freedom came in the for of a boy and dragon, he healed you but for what purpose you mind wondered.Still your spirit sought freedom,and yet even as were healed in body you still sought freedom for the oppressed. Freedom's here you mind cried and his name is Eragon |
Umm..... That's not fan fick babe. That's poetry.
Good tho! |
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Vampirewolf3
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| Posted: Sun Nov 19, 2006 5:20 am Post subject: |
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Oooh. I liked Eragon. It was a pretty (who am I kidding? awesome) book
i liked this little exerpt from arya's imprisonment |
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Alanna
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| Posted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 12:02 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks,it was fun to write. |
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Shafter
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| Posted: Mon Nov 20, 2006 9:47 pm Post subject: Re: Freedom |
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Again, really good feel here. I like the run-on sentences; they make the piece seem urgent somehow.
Those renegade spaces are at it again! Try to tame those critters, they make the story hard to read for punctuation freaks like me.  A good spell-check might do this story good, make it easier to read. Like your other piece, it's got a lot of potential, the punctuation issues are just distracting.
Keep a-working on this one, Alanna! PM me when you revise! |
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Cpt. Smurf
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| Posted: Thu Dec 21, 2006 7:49 pm Post subject: |
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| I've never actually read Eragon, and i've heard it's just a copy of LOTR, but i assume that you're a big fan, so i will say no more!! (and what epic fantasy isn't some sort of a copy of LOTR nowadays, anyway?!) i didn't really understand this, probs because i havn't read the book, but i don't think this is suited to fanfic - maybe it should have been in the miscellaneous section of the poetry bit?? anyway good, work, but i'm not really a poetry fan so.... there we go! |
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Last edited by Cpt. Smurf on Sat Mar 03, 2007 3:30 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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piepiemann22
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| Posted: Thu Dec 21, 2006 9:18 pm Post subject: |
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| I am a fan of Eregon myself. I belive this (poem) is exelent. It truely grasped the point you made. Keep up the good work. |
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| Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2006 5:16 am Post subject: |
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I adore Eragon, and this was really cool to read.
I remember wishing that we knew more about Arya's imprisonment, therefore reading this was really interesting for me.
It doesn't exactly flow with any of the Eragon characters, but I don't think you're trying to write in voice. For what you're trying to convey, I think it was written very well. |
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Esmé
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| Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 6:56 pm Post subject: |
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I personally do not think eragon was that good (no offence  ) I just din't like it that much. I read boh parts, though.
As to your writing... My poetry critique-ing skills are minimal. I'm just gooing to say that I liked it. |
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Alanna
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| Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 7:07 pm Post subject: |
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Thank You!!!
I write better poetry than stories. |
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blackwings_angel
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| Posted: Fri Jan 12, 2007 2:12 am Post subject: |
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| I love eragon. Too bad the movie was nothing like it. This is great! You are really poetic, and this is just like.... WOW Ayra wrote this. Do you like the book or the movie? They were 2 totally different things. |
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