Topic ID: 12297
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
piepiemann22
For Honor
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Dec 2006
Posts: 1369
Reviews: 178
Country: USA
300 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 8:12 pm Post subject: Elemental chapter 1 |
 |
|
"You fool, what were you thinking? You could have been killed," said a young woman. "Only you would be so stupid." She wrapped a bandage around a young man's hand. "Your lucky my father's a doctor." She finished mending his hand and put the small roll back into here bag. "What were you doing anyway Jason?"
Jason turned his head, looked at the girl and gave her a faint smile. "Doing what I think is right." He turned to look out of a hole in the wall of a run down building. "It's times like these were we have to do what we can, or we'll go insane. He giggle.
"This is no laughing matter Jason! If that blade had gone in any other way you'd be dead right now!" She slapped him across the face and started to cry. "What will I do if you die?"
Jason rubbed his cheek and stood up. He pulled the girl up with him. "Don't worry Elena, It's okay, I'm sorry. He hugged her and gave her a kiss on the forehead. He wiped away her tears. "We'll be okay. Trust me." He walked over to the gaping hole to look out. The forest stretched on till you see the burning city Elva.
But why Jason, Why did you go up against his henchmen?" Asked Elena while she walked toward Jason. She stood next to him and turned. "Why?"
Jason glanced at her. Then turned back. "Because they killed my family."
Elena took a step back. "But you told me they died in a fire years ago. The Devil's Ring killed your family."
"Your standing in my old house right now."
"What?" Elena looked around. "This, was, it. Your home. Jason, I'm sorry."
Jason turned around to face Elena. He stared down at his wound on his hand. Jason looked up to see to young men enter the room. They looked at Jason and Elena. One said, " You two alright, Phil and I heard what happened."
Jason looked at the young man. "We're alright Kevin, we're alright."
Keven looked at Jason's hand. "Doesn't look like it." He stared Jason in the eye, "What happened?"
Jason looked at his hand, then back at Kevin. "We ran into members of the Devil's Ring. They tried to rape Elena and kill me. I fought back."
"How many were there?"
"Three. I got one with a clean uppercut. Smashed his jaw and he died."
"So these were his low lives."
"Yes. The other one kicked me in the side and sent me to the ground. He was about to pull out a gun, I grabbed a piece of wood and stabbed him. The last one pulled out a knife and tried to stab me. I would have been killed." He raised up his left hand. "But I blocked it."
"What!" Kevin stared at Jason and took a good look at him. In his mind he told himself, "Is this really Jason." He took a step back. He started to shake and get a frightened look in his eyes. "Impossible, I've known him most of my life. He was always a kind person with a smile. Now he has blood on his hands and he's only 15." Kevin glanced at Phil only to see he has the same expression on his face. He looked at Elena, she seemed worried.
Jason glanced at them. Then toppled over out cold.
"Jason!" Elena ran to his side.
Kevin and Phil looked at each other. Kevin turned and rushed to Jason. Phil just stood there. "That wasn't Jason just now." |
_________________
With a dream we find a purpose. With a purpose we are contemt. Being contempt lets us see. With sight we understand. With understanding we know. With knowledge we live.
~By me Anthony Delia
Last edited by piepiemann22 on Sun Dec 31, 2006 4:03 pm; edited 6 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Sam
sister nebraska
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 4926
Reviews: 1252
Country: 'mreeka
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 8:41 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey! Haven't seen you around before, but that's probably just me being neglectful...
I quite liked this story- it's got this kid who's recently screwed up his life. Yeah, not such a good thing, but you could go, really, in any direction from here. Keeps the readers interested, right?
One thing, though: this piece is really emotional, and from what I gather from your writing here, your personal style isn't so much. I've got the same problem, too- my writing's more of a narrative than anything else, which makes it hard to deal with certain characters (I've got one at the moment who is bi-polar- it's really hard to set down all the 'feeling' that goes along with that). Suggestion? Write this in third person (which you've done) past tense. This way, you don't have to deal with all of the impulsive emotions of the moment. It won't bring quite so much attention to the fact that you're out of your comfort zone, and it's an easy way to hide that...little fact that you're more of a narrative writer than a feelings writer. In past tense, you can destract your readers with...shiny things in the background!
And when you've got a moment, just run this through Spell/Grammar check. It doesn't bite...promise...and it'll help gain a few more readers.
Well, good luck, and sayonara! |
_________________
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
- Boris Yeltsin |
|
| Back to top |
|
piepiemann22
For Honor
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Dec 2006
Posts: 1369
Reviews: 178
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 8:48 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| The past tense isn't something I'm going to do. The reason why is this story will take about 6 books to finish. The romance thing is a good point, but it's still the first chapter. I get into a lot more things next. |
_________________
With a dream we find a purpose. With a purpose we are contemt. Being contempt lets us see. With sight we understand. With understanding we know. With knowledge we live.
~By me Anthony Delia |
|
| Back to top |
|
Lilyy03
thy fearful symmetry
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 13 Dec 2006
Posts: 397
Reviews: 116
Country: The Republic of Heaven
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 8:49 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Looks like an interesting start.  Lots of action and emotion...
You just seem to go through it all rather fast, without creating very much depth. Maybe slow down, and just give the reader a bit more, if that makes sense.
There are several missing apostrophes, commas, and quotation marks. And some misspellings... I'd recommend just reading it over carefully, and using a spelling and/or grammar checker if you can.
| Quote: |
| She starts to rap a bandage around a young man's hand. |
Wrap. Rapping a wound would be painful. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Sam
sister nebraska
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 4926
Reviews: 1252
Country: 'mreeka
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 8:53 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Sure! Whatever you think is good for the story- I just thought it might be a good idea. I've had bad experiences...Snoink told me to change my tense, and I pretty much shunned the idea, until I eureka'ed at the 35k mark and said, "Hmm...this would be much better in past tense, no?"
...accompanied by a bit of swearing, of course, but you get the picture.
You must evade the curse of Snoink- good luck to you! |
_________________
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
- Boris Yeltsin |
|
| Back to top |
|
Esmé
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 9:04 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Firstly, add question marks when they are needed =):
a) The writing is more clear
b) Simply because it is a courtesy to the reader
Here we go:
quote:
"You fool, what were you thinking. You could have been killed," says a young women.
'Woman' not 'women'. I have a feeling that this is not the total beginning, and if it isn’t, I don’t really understand why you wrote ‘a young woman’ instead of Elena. (If this is indeed the beginning, then I think you should give her description).
-At some points you use 'and' to many times. Try to avoid that.
quote:
Jason turns his head and looks at the girl and gives her a feint smile
quote:
"This is no laughing matter Jason
A comma after 'matter'
Another matter is using 'he' to much. Try using synonyms.
quote:
The forest stretches on till you see the burning city that has lost its name.
I suspect that that was supposed to be in those " (sorry, I totally forgot how they are called). Otherwise it does not make much sense to me.
quote:
But why Jason,(...)
A '"' symbol on the beggining.
quote:
"What?" Elena looks around. "This was it. Jason, I'm sorry."
I don't understand the 'this was it' bit.
quote:
"So these were is low lives."
I'm not entirely sure about the meaning of this...
quote;
In his mind he told himself
You are writing in time present =)
Generally the story was okay, I liked it. The description of the fight was great. Remember about the question marks, please. I am looking forward to next chapter, but first I need to read the beginning lol 
Keep up the good work,
-elein |
_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy |
|
| Back to top |
|
piepiemann22
For Honor
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 17 Dec 2006
Posts: 1369
Reviews: 178
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 9:05 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Thank you both. The reason I seemed to rush through this Chapter was for suspense. To make the read go on to find out more. |
_________________
With a dream we find a purpose. With a purpose we are contemt. Being contempt lets us see. With sight we understand. With understanding we know. With knowledge we live.
~By me Anthony Delia |
|
| Back to top |
|
Esmé
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 9:06 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Wow, there are already other comments. Sorry if I repeat (I was eating supper in the meantime, lol), but as I was writing I could not refreash my page and see what was written in the comments. |
_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sureal
(i are RITER!!!)
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 3293
Reviews: 464
Country: England
366 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 9:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Yo ^_^.
"You fool, what were you thinking. You could have been killed," says a young women. "Only you would be so stupid." She starts to rap a bandage around a young man's hand. "Your lucky my fathers a doctor you idiot." She finishes mending his hand and puts the small roll back into here bag. "What were you doing anyway Jason?"
- ‘She starts’ - I don’t like the ‘starts’, as it isn’t really needed and detaches the reader from the story. Just, ‘She raps a bandage (etc)’ would work better.
- ‘Your’ = ‘you’re’. Remember, it’s ‘you’re’ when you wanna say: ‘you are’. The apostrophe represents a missing letter (in this case, the ‘a’)
- ‘fathers’ should be ‘father’s’. Once again, the apostrophe is for a missing letter - you’re saying ‘father is’, and so the shortened version is ‘father’s’.
- The ‘you idiot’ doesn’t feel as though it flows that well. As she’s already called Jason an idiot, you could just remove it.
gives her a feint smile.
- ‘feint’ = ‘faint’.
"It's times like these were we have to do what we can, or we'll go insane. He starts to giggle.
- Missing the closing speech mark.
"Don't worry Elena, It's okay, I'm sorry. He hugs her and gives her a kiss on the forehead.
- Missing second speech mark again.
But why Jason, Why did you go up against his henchmen?"
- Missing the opening speech mark this time.
Just then they heard foot steps.
- Things like, ‘just then’, ‘he began’, ‘they started’ etc. usually detract from the story rather than add, and should be used rather carefully. As a rule of thumb, I’d advise you to avoid them whenever you can, and instead trying to find another way to word it.
He stairs Jason in the eye, "What happened?"
- ‘stairs’ = ‘stares’.
- ‘,’ = ‘.’
"Three. I got one with a clean uppercut. Smashed his jaw and he died."
- How would you die from a smashed jaw? It wouldn’t directly affect the brain badly enough to kill them, nor would there be enough blood loss for them to bleed to death.
The present tense is hard to write in, and I would imagine that you would do a better job with the past tense instead (simply because it’s a more natural way to recount a story). Of course, it’s your decisions, so I’ll leave it up to you to decide.
I would also suggest that you toy with your dialogue, as bits of it just flow smoothly or naturally. Try reading the dialogue in your favourite books and pay special attention to how the author makes it ebb and flow.
I like the story, simply because it’s very character driven. The plot line so far is simple, but works well to introduce us to Jason (who I’m guessing will be your protagonist), and hints at the background of your world - the Devils Ring (I think you may actually mean ‘Devil’s Ring’, which would make more sense) in particular.
Keep on writing  . |
_________________
The Broken.
Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three // Chapter Four // Chapter Five // Chapter Six // Chapter Seven
Since 7th Sep: 13,800 words down, only 86,200 to go! |
|
| Back to top |
|
vamplord12
Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Dec 2006
Posts: 88
Reviews: 29
Country: if you do somehting for me then maybe ill tell you...
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 10:04 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| you really need to finish your books |
_________________
there is no such thing as good and evil, there is only power... |
|
| Back to top |
|
ELven-Maiden
Mars. is. Fricken. Awesome. Hands down. GO MARS!!
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 425
Reviews: 52
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 10:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
It's really cool, But it looks like you rushed to write this. You should build up the suspician that it isn't Like jason to fight. Elena doesn't seem to realize anything different about Jason, and by your descriptions, it sounds like Elna would. I don't know Jason well enough to be confused as well.
But it's a cool idea. It captures your reader. i want to keep reading! |
_________________
Give me time, i'll crit your work XD I promise.
GO HORACE!
I have some IA on Venus, but I don't know how long it'll last. my com's getting crushed.
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."~Carl Jung, psychologist and psychiatrist. |
|
| Back to top |
|
misspriss
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 648
Reviews: 82
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2006 12:31 am Post subject: |
|
|
This is good...but you skipped over some punctuations.
I suggest you read this out loud to yourself and imagine yourself being one of the characters. Where would you normally pause? Put a comma there.
Overall, it's nicely written. |
Last edited by misspriss on Sat Dec 30, 2006 6:47 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
Phorcys
The Wannabe Actor
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 15 Feb 2006
Posts: 1463
Reviews: 605
Country: Blighty
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2006 11:13 am Post subject: |
|
|
As soon as I saw those present tense verbs I came to the reply box.
Ill do the old bookshop test. GO into a book show with 2 baskets - put all the present tense fictions in one and the past tense fictions in the other.
Get my drift? Present tense is so difficult for many people to read as it doesn't recount a story, it tells it as if its happening. The verb form is messy as its not usual to pick up a story and read it in the present.
My personal opinion is drop the present tense instantly and go to the past tense. |
_________________
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG
Silver Ferride (Novel) |
|
| Back to top |
|
Lilyy03
thy fearful symmetry
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 13 Dec 2006
Posts: 397
Reviews: 116
Country: The Republic of Heaven
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2006 6:40 pm Post subject: |
|
|
About the present tense stuff - it's true it's relatively unusal, and can get messy and hard to read, but it is possible to pull off. From my own reading and (limited) writing experience, it may be easier in first person. I think it can make the reader and writer feel "closer" to the narrating character, if that makes sense. As if they're experiencing things along with the character.
But in this story so far, with the third person narration and not much of any particular character's viewpoint, traditional past tense might be better... Just my opinion, though. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
misspriss
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 648
Reviews: 82
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2006 6:47 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Oh, and something else I thought of, sometimes it just seems like your saying,
"And he did that, and then she did this..."
Add vivid words to describe HOW he did this and that, you know what I mean? |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
