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To Swallow a Swallow
To Swallow a Swallow

by Suzanne in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Poetry

This thread was created on December 27, 2006
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the children of philosophy

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bubblewrapped   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 4:22 am    Post subject: the children of philosophy Reply with quote

(many thanks to Harpz for the use of her awesome title!)





inspiration marinates this land in a thin glaze of honey wine 

and the nectar of old gods. across the fresh Aegean blue,

heroes from the distant past are calling, 

thrumming in the blood and aching

in the ancient earth.



this is a land ripe for birth,

where the sun drips, breathless,

from the bulging hills

and the pomegranate trees hang

loose-limbed against the open sky.

here, the Muses comb long tresses 

in clove-scented gardens,

and gods converse in whispers which

echo across the ages.

here, the world contracts: 

under her bright skin unshackled minds 

fight free from shadows, and like all good children 

born to launch themselves from precipices,

they dare to touch the Absolute.

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Men talk of heaven,—there is no heaven but here;
Men talk of hell,—there is no hell but here;
Men of hereafters talk, and future lives,—
O love, there is no other life—but here.

-- The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam


Last edited by bubblewrapped on Sat Sep 08, 2007 9:43 pm; edited 4 times in total
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 5:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just dropped in to say that I love all the Greek allusions, and I'll get back to this.

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 7:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

sorry if theyre reading this, but your peom is better that Harpz. Cute how you put the "the" in the title.

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 4:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I guess that's encouraging, LOL. Will look forward to your crit, xanthan Smile.

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Men talk of heaven,—there is no heaven but here;
Men talk of hell,—there is no hell but here;
Men of hereafters talk, and future lives,—
O love, there is no other life—but here.

-- The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 11:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
inspiration marinates this land in a thin glaze of honey wine
and the nectar of old gods; across the fresh Aegean blue,
heroes from the distant past are calling,
thrumming in the blood and aching
in the ancient earth.


I would have put a Capital "I" at the start of the verse - but its up to you and how you want the poem to be portrayed.

Quote:

this is a land ripe for birth,

again a capital here.

Quote:
where the sun drips, breathless,
from the bulging hills
and the pomegranate trees hang
loose-limbed against the open sky.
here, the Muses comb long tresses
in clove-scented gardens,
and gods converse in whispers which
echo across the ages;
here, the world contracts,
and under her bright skin, unshackled minds
fight free from shadows, like all good children
born to launch themselves from precipices
and dare to touch the Absolute.


I loved this, it was just full of life, meaning and imagery, all balanced into a publishable poem. I really enjoyed this and its one of my favourites on YWS. I love how you capitalised "Absoulte".

Nice work!

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 10:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow! Smile Beautiful.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 01, 2007 8:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Harpz Smile

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Men talk of heaven,—there is no heaven but here;
Men talk of hell,—there is no hell but here;
Men of hereafters talk, and future lives,—
O love, there is no other life—but here.

-- The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 01, 2007 7:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Really fantastic--I love the greed references. You made the landscape and the imagery come alive for me; a really fantastic bit of poetry.

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 6:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i had to read it through a few ties because i'm really tired but that is such an amazing poem really beautiful.
the language is just stunning.
i love it.
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2007 11:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks guys, I appreciate the encouragement Smile

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Men talk of heaven,—there is no heaven but here;
Men talk of hell,—there is no hell but here;
Men of hereafters talk, and future lives,—
O love, there is no other life—but here.

-- The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2007 12:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello bubbles.

The poem is a place. But as good poetry, thoughtful, ought, it has layers - and the description of the land, allusive to myth and history, makes what might have been simple showing three-dimensional.

Quote:
inspiration marinates this land in a thin glaze of honey wine
and the nectar of old gods; across the fresh Aegean blue,
heroes from the distant past are calling,


Though I like the stairway sliding down to shorter line-length, the transition between 'nectar of old gods' and 'across the fresh...' felt awkward. It may be the semi-colon, which connects them too closely; it may be the length of the line and disparate images. I'm afraid I can't pinpoint it.

Quote:
heroes from the distant past are calling,
thrumming in the blood and aching
in the ancient earth.


This an example of my remark about the dimensions - it fits itself, so to speak. (...Pardon my tendency to critique like fiction what isn't !_!)

Quote:
this is a land ripe for birth,
where the sun drips, breathless,


'Breathless' nettled me a bit - connected with 'drips' - dripping breathlessly?

Quote:
fight free from shadows, like all good children
born to launch themselves from precipices
and dare to touch the Absolute.


Again, the pattern downward to the finish. I like the ending on the plane of ideas. The conjunction sticks, either too smooth or disagreeing with the preceding. Could it be 'who' rather than 'and'?


I loved the poem. In fact, it was a lovely meditation to take me out of the idiotic contemplation of dystopian anarchy and other such things that had no end... ^_^'' I can only reiterate what I said at the beginning. The easy touch of layers of time seemed on it, and gave a depth to the images that way.


IMP

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PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 8:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Imp! I only just read your crit **blushes** I was looking through some of my old work and decided to touch up a couple of the areas you mentioned; I'm going to leave "breathless" though - it brings a particular moment to mind and it just works for me LOL. Thanks again for the help though Smile

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Men talk of heaven,—there is no heaven but here;
Men talk of hell,—there is no hell but here;
Men of hereafters talk, and future lives,—
O love, there is no other life—but here.

-- The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam
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PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2007 8:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really liked it. Very discriptive.
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