Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

The Top 25!

Favorite part of writing?
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Revising Hope chapter 5
Revising Hope chapter 5

by beautyandthefish in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on December 17, 2006
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Untitled Intro

Untitled Ch1

Topic ID: 12040
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Mr. Everyone   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

64
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 17
Joined: 16 Dec 2006
Posts: 169
Reviews: 64
Country: Just some place in the universe
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Dec 17, 2006 7:31 pm    Post subject: Untitled Ch1 Reply with quote

Chapter I

The night was dark; there were no lights, not even on the ship. It lay, basking in the waves about a mile from the shore just south of Mudskipper Point. Several very small boats were in the water, moving towards the shore in all directions. In them were soldiers and scouts, mapping the land. Such events were happening everywhere in Gelinor.

Just north and slightly west of Mudskipper Point, a local gang was wreaking havoc on a small camp. The gang members all wore black cloaks and hoods, and were wielding daggers and short swords, a few of them also carried bows. The gang was raiding the camp, stealing anything of value, killing the men, and taking the women for ‘personal pleasure.’ They laughed as the people ran and shouted, they felt like they were at the top of the world. As everything finally died down as all the men were dead and the women tied in large bags, the leader noticed movement near the shore. “Everyone, come on, but be quiet, I think I see some people.” As they treaded quickly making little noise, they saw four boats lined up at the shore. The boats were all painted black, and bore no markings.

As the gang approached, a barbed arrow went flying out of a nearby tree, whizzing by and then striking a man right in the chest, residing with a dull thump. The man started having trouble breathing, and then clutched his heart. Another arrow zipped out of another tree, striking the man right in the forehead. The man collapsed onto the ground like a falling rock. “Run for it!!” Shouted the leader, but more and more arrows went flying from trees and bushes, killing some and crippling others. As the survivors fled, they felt their legs seem to be entangled by an invisible force, and wouldn’t move no matter how hard they tried. Out of nowhere several men dashed through the forest, and stopped about 20 feet away from the survivors. The men begin to feel their legs regaining ability, and started to run again. The archers behind them fired arrows, which killed five out of seven of the surviving gang on contact. The two people left were the leader and a simple member, who died quickly from bleeding. But the leader, the arrow struck his leg and he lived. He said “damn….” And then fell into unconsciousness.

In the ship lay about fourteen men, all prisoners from the areas explored. Their hands were tied and they resided on the scarlet carpet. Surrounding them were five men, four of them wearing armor made of leather and steel, and it was obviously tougher than most. But the other, his armor was steel, but it was trimmed red and gold. “What the hell do you want from us!?” said one of the prisoners. “Information,” replied the one in the trimmed armor. “Who the hell are you, anyway? I won’t answer anything until you tell me.” The prisoner was the gang leader, and his clothes were now torn and ragged, his black hair such a mess it seemed like a mop. “Who we are does not matter to you, but I will tell you anyway. We are soldiers of jinla, the eastern land. I am the captain of this ship, and you are my prisoners. Now no more questions, from now on I will be asking the questions and YOU will be answering them.” The commander replied. “Don’t tell him….anything……” said one of the other captives. The captain gave him a deathly glare, and then said, “You wish to make it hard? So be it.” He grabbed the prisoner by the neck and dragged him to the door and said “watch what happens to those who will not be cooperative.” He threw the tied up man onto the edge of the railing of the ship, and tied a large weight to him. He pushed the prisoner’s head so that his head was on the railing and the man’* neck lay right on the edge. The captain pulled a dagger from his belt and slashed the man’* neck, then pushed him over board. “Now, I hope none of you were as stupid as him.”

The captain had asked every man a series of questions about the nearby landscapes, cities, the amount of guards, even the amount of food in those areas. After he was done questioning them he said, “Good. But you are of no further use to us.” Immediately after he said that, eight more men came in the room, and fired their arrows. “Hokle, attend me.” The nearby man was wearing red leather armor, presumably dragon hide, his braided black hair was made in rows on his head, and the lantern cast shadows on his very dark skin, giving him a ghostly appearance. “Yes Notay.” Notay, the captain, gave him his orders and then he dumped the bodies overboard.

Inspired by Guardian


_________________
~Everyone~

=) *wave*
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Ares   View This User's Portfolio
Boom.
Speaker of the Forum

155
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Posts: 620
Reviews: 155
Country: The Sweet Land of Liberty.
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Dec 24, 2006 3:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Second paragraph. Show us, don't tell. The story could be way cool if you showed us. Also, rape would sound better than 'personal pleasure', to me anyways. It'd be more straightforward.

Clean up that dialogue in the fourth paragraph. Space it out. You could revise it a little too. Also, you seem like you rushed when you wrote the captain's interrogation scene. Don't rush it. Again, show instead of tell.

It has potential. It's a good idea.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Suzanne   View This User's Portfolio
won NaNoWriMo!
Writer of Legend

1754
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 7088
Reviews: 1754
Country: Riverbluff, MO
1160 Points

PostPosted: Thu Dec 28, 2006 4:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
It lay, basking in the waves about a mile from the shore just south of Mudskipper Point.
I don't think you need the comma. because "It lay" isn't much of a statement of its own. the comma could be taken out.

Quote:
and were wielding daggers and short swords
....aren't daggers the same thing as short swords? Or have I been mislead?

I have to say it bored me, but maybe I just don't like this kind of writing? I think thats it.

Otherwise, I don't really have anything to say. It wasn't badly written, just not interesting. Maybe its the tell-don't-show think like Ares said...

_________________
I demand
you put my heart back in my hand,
and wipe it clean from the mess you made of me.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on December 17, 2006
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on December 17, 2006

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove. - Mark Twain
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society