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Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
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 Posted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 4:28 pm Post subject: Cold |
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Removed by the author for purposes of publication.
I apologize for the inconvenience. |
Last edited by Duskglimmer on Mon Jan 08, 2007 4:06 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
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| Posted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 4:28 pm Post subject: |
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| See above. |
Last edited by Duskglimmer on Mon Jan 08, 2007 4:06 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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bluecows
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| Posted: Thu Mar 10, 2005 8:17 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, i like this.
But where is the light, and where is the dark?
Apart from that it's really, really good. |
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Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
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| Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 3:48 am Post subject: |
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Uh... I'm not sure exactly why it mattered where the light was and where the dark was... that's the reason that I didn't feel the need to try and define that...
But if you really need the answer... for me, the light is out in the open where I don't have to hide things from my parents, and the dark where I do. They're not two defined locations really. |
Last edited by Duskglimmer on Fri Dec 22, 2006 10:47 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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bluecows
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| Posted: Fri Mar 11, 2005 1:34 pm Post subject: |
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oh, i never thought of how you are with your parents and how you are with your friends in that way...
were you dragged into drinking/smoking/stuff/ well, not really dragged, but with peer pressure there's not really much difference...
*looks thoughtful*
~blue~  |
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To see a world in a grain of sand and a heaven in a wild flower,
hold infinity in the palm of your hand and eternity in an hour. – William Blake
I was lying in bed, watching the stars and i thought, 'where the hell is the ceiling?' |
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Shriek
thinking outrageously, i write in cursive.
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| Posted: Sun Mar 13, 2005 4:44 am Post subject: |
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Wow. Words cannot describe how much I admire this. The imagery you used with the dark vs. light is amazing. There was a desolate undertone ringing throughout the events--I felt like I really could relate to Angel's despair, especially in the end as she hopelessly downed bottle after bottle. Well done.  |
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Duskglimmer
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| Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 2:19 am Post subject: |
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| *takes a bow* thank you very much! |
Last edited by Duskglimmer on Fri Dec 22, 2006 10:47 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Supermal
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| Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 3:58 am Post subject: Cold |
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I like it. It's deep, dark and disturbing.  |
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Areida
party party party like it's 2009
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| Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 5:18 am Post subject: |
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It's (for lack of a better word) unsettling. But excellent. Very well-written and gripping. I found Angel's fear easy to feel and was actually afraid along with her- something that is rather difficult to create. It was so sad how she ended up though...drowning herself in the bottle.....Alek is an evil, evil character.
All and all, you did a marvelous job...great descriptions and everything. The only suggestion I can make is to break up some of your paragraphs a bit more-- my eyes skimmed over several places that were important so I had to go back and reread. |
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Duskglimmer
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| Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 3:28 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks to both of you.
Areida - Could you possibly tell me where the paragraphs would need to be broken up specifically? I thought I'd kept my paragraphs pretty short and after a quick read through, I couldn't really find the places you were talking about. |
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Areida
party party party like it's 2009
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| Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 5:38 pm Post subject: |
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| I want to be afraid. I want to run away. I want to go back home. But I can’t make myself feel that way. If I can’t feel anything here, then what makes me think that I’ll be able to feel the warmth back home? And what if I go back and the sun doesn’t make me feel anything? What if the color and the warmth do nothing for me anymore? What will I do then? No… I want to keep my memories of that place and that feeling intact. I won’t ruin them by going back to it and finding that it’s not what I believed it was. |
My eyes skimmed over the middle two lines. Maybe start a new paragraph at "No..I want to keep..."? Anyway, it's not really a big concern, I really loved this. |
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Duskglimmer
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| Posted: Mon Mar 14, 2005 10:10 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks a ton. I think I agree with you on splitting up the paragraph *goes to modify post*
By the way, I love your signature. It's a great quote. |
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The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
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Rei
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| Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 4:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Me like. Definitely kept me interested. The dialogue was great. Very believable, which is a rare thing on sites like this. And I think you really did succeed in your original goal, simply to work on flow and imagery. Good job. |
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Duskglimmer
is happy in anywhere but there
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| Posted: Fri Mar 18, 2005 8:53 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks much, Reichieru. |
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The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
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Jiggity
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| Posted: Tue Dec 26, 2006 3:17 am Post subject: |
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Ahem, well. This had a Matrix-style feel to it; in terms of the real world versu the Matrix, the illusion. Apart from that, I think whoever judges/reads this will be very impressed with your writing; its excellent.
Just a couple of thing's I'll mention. Over-use of ellipses: In some places it just doesnt fit, its out of place.
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| I want color again, and warmth, and… |
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| “See, Angel,” he says, his voice cold… hard… real |
| Quote: |
| “Erynn…” he laughs. “So did you…” |
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| She stiffens. “Yes, Alek, I did…” |
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| The pain leaves… The coldness remains |
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| just something broken and beaten… Exactly the way I am feeling. |
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| No... I want to keep my memories |
That's most of the ellipses you've used. I think the 2nd, 3rd, 5th and 6th example need to be changed. Also, the 'cold, hard' description is perhaps a tad overdone. Then again, I also think that its necessary to some extent due to the contrast it shows between the different places.
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I want to be afraid. I want to run away. I want to go back home
I want to turn, want to run, want to get away from him, |
That type of repetition gets a little bit wearing.
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And I still don’t care.
But I want to care. How can this be? I feel dead. Or rather, I don’t feel anything. But I want to. I want to. Angrily, I take another drink. |
I have a problem with this. It seems as though the opening sentence contradicts the passage that follows and in all honesty, I dont think the passage does anything for the story. The duality of feeling was established before, and it was done quite well. You do it again; thats still fine. But then to continue on it with the passage above? I think you should take it out.
Apart from those things, minor things really, this is exceedingly well written adn I doubt you'll have any problems getting that scholarship. |
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