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This thread was created on December 14, 2006
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Battle of Betrayal

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lackling2   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 9:24 pm    Post subject: Battle of Betrayal Reply with quote

Fear struck the faces of children and parents. Soldiers fought to save lives, but never managed to last long enough. The king fought ahead never looking back at the faces of his family and friends. His children watched as their father fought to save their lives and everyone else’s.

Julian, the oldest son, stood behind his younger brother Lurick. A soldier began retrieving children from a near by group. Quickly he made his way to where Julian stood behind his younger brother and snatched both from the grasp of their mother. He led them quickly to another group of children of about the same age. He began handing out knives to each of them.

Lurick looked up at his older brother, tears staining his pail face. They were all taken from their families to fight along in the war.

Shrilled screams pierced the air around them as both Julian and Lurick made their way past the dead bodies. Hot tears ran down their cheeks as they watched the other children getting killed one by one.

A familiar cry caught Julian’s attention. His younger brother was in the hands of an Olicktra. The great beast held Lurick in one hand and with the other held his spicks to his neck. Another cry hit but this one came from behind the Olicktra. It was his father being pined down by another beast. Julian glanced from the sight of his father to his brother and back. He had to choose quickly between the two.

Using the knife given to him, by one of the soldiers, he made his way past the Olicktra holding his brother to the one pining his father. Julian gripped the knife hard and struck the Olicktra. A shrieking scream sounded from the depths of the beast’s throat, but still it rose now coming after Julian.

Julian, his eyes filled with fear, staggered back, away from the Olicktra. The enormous creature towered over him, its stench making Julian choke. Quickly the creature raised his arm to strike, when a sharp blade dug into his waist. Elias, his father, stood next to him letting his sword go. Julian suddenly grabbed one of the spicks lying next to a dead creature and stabbed the Olicktra on his right leg remembering what his father had taught him.

Elias would tell him stories of war and of how Olicktras would sometimes stab themselves with their own poison. A poison that was said to be powerful enough to kill even those who were immortal.

Injected with its own poison, the Olicktra staggered back tripping over a dead body. Elias, relieved of his sons safety, kneeled next to him. “Quick thinking my son, I have taught you well.”

Tears made there way down his cheeks to the points of his mouth. “I’m sorry father, I left Lurick.” Julian said looking up at his father’s pail face. Elias turned his head to look behind him, but there was no sign of the Olicktra that had held Lurick.

“Don’t be sorry my son, Lurick has his ways as you have yours.” He said putting his right hand over his chest.

“The amulet.” Julian said, gripping his tightly. Elias nodded solemnly.

“You know of the power it holds, something your brother has yet figured out.” Elias rose to his feet and said, “Go back to your mother it to dangerous for a boy your age to be in a war like this.” Julian nodded rising to his feet and walking towards the huddled families.

As he began getting near to his own group, he could make out the figure of his mother. The closer he got he began to make out a second figure. When Julian reached her was when he saw that the second figure, huddled in her arms, was Lurick. Julian, happy to see his brother, reached out his arms to hug him but Lurick failed to do the same. Lurick made his way out of his mother’s arms to look up at his older brother. “How could you?” He asked giving Julian a look of disgust.

“How could I what?” Julian replied with a questioning look.

“How could you leave me?” Lurick’s voice was low and filled with anger.

“Lurick you don’t understand.” Julian replied.

“Understand what?”

“Dad needed me.”

“Dad could take care of himself. I needed you. That was the one time where I needed you the most and you decide to let me die!” Lurick shouted angrily, sobs following after.

“Lurick that’s enough.” Their mother, Elizabeth, said coming up behind him. Lurick stormed off disappearing behind a group of soldiers.

“Mom, I didn’t mean to leave him.”

“I know Julian; your brother still doesn’t understand his own power.”

“But can’t we just tell him?” Julian asked as he sat down in frustration.

“We can’t, that’s something he must figure out on his own.” She said giving Julian one last reassuring look before turning to leave.

Julian whispered to himself, “Yea, but he’s never going to forgive me.”

17 years later

A sharp blast of horns sounded as the earth beneath Julian’s feet began to quack. The great mountains that stood next to him began to shed layers of rock onto the soldiers who staggered behind him. “Hurry men! We must get to Suridulf before the mountains collapse!” Julian shouted above the sound of the quaking mountains.

“My lord, half of our men will never make it Suridulf alive!” Rialidare cried as he struggled to catch up with his king.

“We have no time for those who have not the strength to survive!” Julian replies leading the few surviving men past the falling boulders.

Suddenly the earth came to an abrupt stop, along with the collapsing mountain. All became quiet as the men finally reached the bridge to Suridulf. The rusted chains began to lower the wooden bridge to grant the men entry. Julian quickly led them into the abandoned courtyard. “My lord, what are we to do? Soon enough they will find us and destroy us all.” Rialidare exclaimed, panic filling his eyes.

“By now they already have and are on their way here.” Julian said to himself, pacing back and forth. “There is only one way to destroy them. We need Lurick’s help.”

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Poor Imp   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 9:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You may to check for the homonyms - pale, of course, means white or wan skin, but pail is more along the lines of a bucket. ^_^


Aside from some other mix-ups along the same trajectory, you have the skeleton of a story here: conflict, character, etc. The piece though, suffers from an acute case of ambiguity.

Quote:
Fear struck the faces of children and parents. Soldiers fought to save lives, but never managed to last long enough. The king fought ahead never looking back at the faces of his family and friends. His children watched as their father fought to save their lives and everyone else’s.


The opening - where is the focus? 'Soldiers' and 'children' could be nearly anyone. Who is the king? ...why is he fighting?

But then, try the same scene with a different structure -- 'Fear settled in the children's faces. They watched the soldiers fight until they fell, watched [...the castle crumble? watched the dusk slip over the sky?]. They watched their father, the king, and he seemed no different in the chaos than any ragged soldier.'

Off-the-cuff, but you notice how it focuses now on a certain angle? You have the children watching, and what they see, and it's filtered so that it makes some sense. No one can stand in the air. A good photograph is framed not by an outside piece of wood or plastic, but by the angle, perspective. You've got to have the same for a story. ^_^

Quote:
Julian, the oldest son, stood behind his younger brother Lurick. A soldier began retrieving children from a near by group. Quickly he made his way to where Julian stood behind his younger brother and snatched both from the grasp of their mother. He led them quickly to another group of children of about the same age. He began handing out knives to each of them.


Now you're just rushing. This fellow is snatching the king's children? He's giving them knives? The incongruity needs some explanation. What sort of war is fought by children, and what soldier, desperate and losing, thinks of arming children to save himself?...

Quote:
They were all taken from their families to fight along in the war.


The children are 'they'? Why taken to fight a war? How old are they?

Quote:
Shrilled screams pierced the air around them as both Julian and Lurick made their way past the dead bodies. Hot tears ran down their cheeks as they watched the other children getting killed one by one.


Setting again - it hasn't got a frame. Where are they? Why are they making their way past the dead...and who has died, what do they look like? Who are the other children?

You're driving me up a wall with unanswered narrative questions. ^_~ There's quite a lot of drama here, you know; and it's all dashed by in a second!

Quote:
A familiar cry caught Julian’s attention. His younger brother was in the hands of an Olicktra.


It looks like...? Where in heaven's name and whatever else, did it come from?

Quote:
The great beast held Lurick in one hand and with the other held his spicks to his neck. Another cry hit but this one came from behind the Olicktra. It was his father being pined down by another beast. Julian glanced from the sight of his father to his brother and back. He had to choose quickly between the two.


Without the vaguest background, and still the difficulty of a tangible setting, this appears as simple cliche. Oy, he's got to choose. But it's come out of nowhere - and we still don't know who Julian is, or why he and children are fighting beasts/monsters/enemies in a war, nor how old they are.

Quote:
Elias would tell him stories of war and of how Olicktras would sometimes stab themselves with their own poison.


...Elias? He sounds as if he might make the perfect frame, whoever he is. All in all, this might be told excellently by an outside figure, someone who goes back over it - or by an observer. Could someone be lurking in the shadows (of...?) and observing? Could there be a poor, callow, cowering soldier watching miserably?

You jump quickly through the first bit. I assume it is a set-up for the very end. But 'tis bad form to 'set-up' your reader - you insult his intelligence. ^_~

Go over it and find a thread and a voice to follow. There is no story without character. And most of the characters here are sketched by name and little else.

'Luck with all your writing. If you've got any questions, anything remotely pressing about this, feel free to PM me, or ask here.


IMP

[ courtesy of the Cabassi/CCF ]

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'We experiment with ourselves in a way we would never permit ourselves to experiment with animals and, carried away by our curiosity, we cheerfully vivisect our souls.'-Nietszche
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 21, 2006 5:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Major thing: what the heck is that monster, describe it you say it has a stench it's tall and it's got a really deadly poison but with that you can think a smelly minotaur with a deadly poison. So thats 1 and 2

yes the adverb quickly is nice but try another one. there are better ways to describe than just "Quickly" it describes the speed but not the urgency of the situation so a panicked quickly is different from a "with purpose quickly"

There is really no sense of what is happening either, the city is being raided so there are soldiers protecting the people?
the ambiguity is as follows: are the children the soldiers or just children i can't tell

confusion: o.k. if a monster stabs itself with its own poison, why does it die when its stabbed with its own poison when someone else stabs it?
i don't get that part.


I know this is all running together but yeah so work on that, i'm not gonna comment on grammar 'cause I don't like the tiny details, i like the descriptive ones.
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This thread was created on December 14, 2006

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