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Mr. Everyone
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 Posted: Sun Dec 17, 2006 10:07 pm Post subject: Story of Suspense |
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I woke up in a room, I hope. I knew exactly what this was about. I was seeing a woman: a wife to a very powerful man in England actually.
There was a gun pointed to my head. A figure I couldnt quite make out, "I'm going to have fun," began the figure,"I have a gun, you are going to answer questions for me, and if you get them wrong I'm going to pull the trigger.""what happens if I get them right?" I retorted, getting up to a kneeling position. "I have six blanks and one bullet," the man continued," I don't think you will get them all right, but if you do I'll let you off, this being a warning for making me angry in the furture."
"ok," I said with fear trembling over both syllabals like dogs fighting over raw meat.
The guy answers all the questions with wrong answers, the man pulls the triggor seven times. It was all a lie.
"It was a trick!" "That was monstrous!"
"yes I believe so," Says the man as a bullet flys through the window, clean through my skull. My head hits the ground with a thump. The man walks away, whistling.
Just somthing I wrote in the matter of like five minutes, and plz if you wish replace the italisized juicy middle of the story with your own. |
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RoxanneR
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| Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 10:21 am Post subject: |
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There's no easy way to put this, most of the grammar is quite wrong.
There is no introduction to the piece, and no way of us knowing what's happening.
Most of the second paragraph doesn't make sense:
There was a gun pointed to my head. A figure I couldn't quite make out.
You need an apostrophe in the middle of couldn't as it is an abreviation of could not.
"I'm going to have fun," began the figure,"I have a gun, and you are going to answer questions for me., and If you get them wrong I'm going to pull the trigger."
"What happens if I get them right?" I retorted, getting up to a kneeling position.
"I have six blanks and one bullet," the man continued, "I don't think you will get them all right, but if you do I'll let you off, this being a warning for making me angry in the furture."
This sentence doesn't make sense. You could edit it to be:
"If you do get them all right, I will let you go. But that's a warning for making me angry!"
The guy answers all the questions with wrong answers, the man pulls the triggor seven times. It was all a lie.
Because the story has no middle, it's difficult to work out what happens next, even if you have told us plainly.
"It was a trick!" "That was monstrous!"
This doesn't need to be two seperate pieces of speech, it would be fine as:
[b]"It was a trick! That was monstrous!"
"Yes,I believe so," says the man as a bullet flies through the window, clean through my skull. My head hits the ground with a thump. The man walks away, whistling.
Hope that helps!
RR* |
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Myth
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| Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 10:45 am Post subject: |
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Green = Comments/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review
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| I woke up in a room, I hope. |
I don’t know what you wanted to say here, why did you ‘hope’?
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| I knew exactly what this was about. I was seeing a woman: a wife to a very powerful man in England actually. |
| Quote: |
| There was a gun pointed to my head. A figure I couldnt quite make out, "I'm going to have fun," began the figure,"I have a gun, you are going to answer questions for me, and if you get them wrong I'm going to pull the trigger.""what happens if I get them right?" I retorted, getting up to a kneeling position. "I have six blanks and one bullet," the man continued," I don't think you will get them all right, but if you do I'll let you off, this being a warning for making me angry in the furture." |
Oh dear. This is everything you want to say jumbled together and it turns out ugly because you have missed out the apostrophe for couldnt (couldn’t), you need spacing and new paragraphs for each new speaker. Remember to use capital letters when beginning a new sentence and that last sentence makes no sense—making me angry in the future? What is that supposed to mean, plus you spelled ‘future’ wrong.
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| "ok," I said with fear trembling over both syllabals like dogs fighting over raw meat. |
I don’t get that simile, it doesn’t work as fear cannot be connected to dogs fighting over meat.
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| The guy answers all the questions with wrong answers, the man pulls the triggor seven times. It was all a lie. |
At this point I can’t help, what is the man supposed to ask the narrator and how does he answer the question wrong? You should work out the plot, characters and dialogue, without them your story is just words I’ll forget as soon as I’ve read them.
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"It was a trick!" "That was monstrous!"
"yes I believe so," Says the man as a bullet flys through the window, clean through my skull. My head hits the ground with a thump. The man walks away, whistling. |
A bullet does not ‘flys’ through a window. Where was the narrator in relation to the window? Behind or before it? I suppose you would be dead at this point so how is it possible to know your head hits the floor and that the man whistles?
I think you should have thought through this whole story very carefully before even posting. It can work as a short story, you just have to get your idea on paper, work on the characters—the narrator’s emotions are a little pathetic, we know nothing about him/her but they are supposed to have had an affair. And the other man, who is he? A mercenary?
And the part in italics, you asked for help with that, I said I couldn’t without the full story. You as the writer are meant to know what happens there and put it into words.
You have spelling mistakes that can be easily changed using spell check on Word or the ‘spell check’ button.
I did not see the ‘suspense’ in the story, perhaps when you make changes I will.
-- Myth |
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rosethorn
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| Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 11:11 am Post subject: |
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Some cool suspense here, though the beginning is unclear.
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| I woke up in a room, I hope. I knew exactly what this was about. I was seeing a woman: a wife to a very powerful man in England actually. |
You don't go very deep with this part. And now I don't see how you can after you've killed off your character. I've seen stories start out like this of course and work backwards into how they ended up where they did. But this little bit here is really vague and I was expecting to know more about your character and maybe about the environment.
Details are nice, but I don't mean to ask for you to bog it down with them.
This should really be colored in a bit inside a word processor. See what you can make of it. Spend some more time shaping it.
As always,
Miss POKE |
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Phorcys
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-KayJuran-
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| Posted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 7:29 pm Post subject: |
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I'm going to look at content here, rather than punctuation.
My main problem is that we're thrown right into something without any explanation. That can be quite effective, but in this case, I just have no idea what's going on.
| Quote: |
| The guy answers all the questions with wrong answers, the man pulls the triggor seven times. It was all a lie. |
| Quote: |
| Just somthing I wrote in the matter of like five minutes, and plz if you wish replace the italisized juicy middle of the story with your own. |
Surely it wouldn't take you much longer to fill in the middle?
With a bit of work, I'm sure you could make this a lot better. Really, we need more information. What does the man with the gun want to know? Who is he even?
Also, just noticed...
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| I was seeing a woman: a wife to a very powerful man in England actually. |
At first, I thought you mean he was physically seeing the woman in front of him... It wasn't until I started re-reading it that I realised what you meant. Perhaps you could make this a little clearer.
It looks like this could be pretty good with some work, so don't give up on it. 
See ya round, and PM me if you have any more questions,
Kay.
(Critting for the Cabassi.) |
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| Posted: Sat Dec 23, 2006 11:46 am Post subject: |
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I woke up in a room, I hope. I knew exactly what this was about. I was seeing a woman: a wife to a very powerful man in England actually.
Lose this, start with the hook. The above is a little messy, too. It switches tense and leaves a lot of false hooks (putting forward questions/subjects without answers, in the hope the reader will read on), like 'I knew exactly what this was about.'
There's really no excuse for not learning proper grammar and punctuation. It may seem hard, but once you do it, you'll be glad you did. Put in some time to learn the stuff, or forget about writing.
- Andy |
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Esmé
consider rephrasing
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| Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2006 6:09 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with everyone who posted before me. I think that you should actually reread what you wrote before posting it...
-The idea was okay, I guess... |
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gymnast_789
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| Posted: Wed Jan 03, 2007 1:52 am Post subject: |
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" I woke up in a room, I hope. I knew exactly what this was about. I was seeing a woman: a wife to a very powerful man in England actually."
I didn't really get this part. I had to read it a few times through, but still had trouble understanding it.
Work on your punctuation.
If you would go back later on in your story and tell what was happening leading up to all of this, then i like the fact that you don't really know what is going on. |
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