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This thread was created on December 14, 2006
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 11:32 am    Post subject: Re:Freshed/Re:Cycled Reply with quote

Please feel free to stick pins into whichever character you dislike the most. I know I do.

Prolouge/1

The bright lights flickered on and off erratically, the harsh glare stinging Cray’s eyes. It had been snowing for nine days now and still showed no signs of stopping. The city’s main source of power had been overloaded within the first few days of the blizzard and had stopped working, so now the building was running from its own backup generator. All the elevators and ‘non-essential’ floors had been turned off and shut down. Although it meant that pretty much all lessons had been cancelled until the snow subsided, it also meant that he had to climb up some fifty flights of stairs just to get back to his room after he’d been to the lunch hall.

When he finally reached the thirty-second floor the flickering stopped, though he wasn’t sure if that was because it was one of the only recreational floors that had been left open, the only floor with anything to do inside. Cray pushed open the heavy door and was surprised to see how empty it was. A few hard working students were sat at the desks, using their precious free time to cram for the coming exams. He peeked though the door to the projection room and there was a lone couple watching old romantic films. He shook his head in amazement, unable to understand why the place was so very empty.

He was about to give up and head back upstairs to see who he could find when he noticed her, the girl sat alone at the video booths. She had her knees pulled up to her chest and hugged her legs as she watched the show. Cray recognised the program as one he used to watch on TV when he was much younger, before direct feeding was introduced. It was about two birds and they would fly around the world showing children all the different places that there were. He took a set of headphones from the rack and went over to go and join her.

She didn’t seem to notice when he sat down next to her, bright eyes fixated on the screen as Minnie, a fat brown bird with a pink ribbon, hopped about talking about Tokyo, or at least how it was many many years in the past. Cray could remember his 5th Gens telling him about how it had been an old program when they had been young and it did indeed show its age. The main noticeable difference between then and now were that the sky was a pure, warm blue, and the clouds that hung in it were made of a delicate, white, fluff.

It was strange that he’d never noticed her before. He’d pretty much spent his whole life living in the school and had come to learn everyone’s face. Guiltily he wondered if it was because of her looks. Not that she was ugly, just more plain looking than anything else. Her dark blonde hair ran down to her shoulders and Cray was saw he saw a flash of the barcode tattooed under her ear as she tucked a stray lock of hair behind it, her round grey eyes dancing with child-like delight as she watched the show. How long had she been here? Cray wondered. She could be an exchange student from one of the many other schools like this dotted across the globe, or perhaps her parents had only recently sent her, hoping for her to be enrolled before she was deemed to old too join.

“Can I help you?” She asked, pausing the program to look up at him. Cray realised that he had been staring at her whilst he had been thinking and cursed himself inwardly.

“Sorry, it’s just that I don’t recognise you and I’ve been here long enough to know who everyone is. It’s so strange, I must have seen you around sometime.”

“Probably not.” She said, removing her headphones “I only come down here when it’s empty like this.” She held out a hand and smiled. “Name’s Winina, though most people call me Wires.”

“Cray.” He told her, shaking her hand. “So how long have you been here then?”

“Since I was eleven so I guess that makes it five years.”

“Fourteen, my parents sent me here when I was three years old.” Her mouth gaped open in surprise but before she could reply they were both plunged into darkness. The sliver of light that seeped out through the doors grew wider as someone pushed them open, and Cray could see the erratic movements of a handheld torch.

“Sorry folks,” the voice called out, “looks like this floor’s closed too. Try not to trip over anything on your way out.”

“Where are we supposed to go now?” Wires asked, tripping over her own feet as she scuttled along. Cray grabbed her hand and helped her navigate her way through the thick blackness.

“Well we might as well head back up to the dorms.” They stumbled through the doors and into the yellow light. He tugged on her arm and began to pull her up the stairs. “C’mon! Let’s see where everyone is!”

When they reached the sixty-third floor it became painfully clear why the recreational floor had been all but deserted, someone had organised a party and now the whole place was buzzing with the chatter of excited people. Cray looked around quickly and waved to a few people he knew, but when he turned to invite Wires, she had already vanished up the stairs.

Floor sixty-four was quiet. Pretty much all of the noise that Cray could hear was filtering through from the floor below. Wires was talking to someone he didn’t know, and he would have gone and spoken to her when she was done but he heard an all too familiar loud brash voice.

“Hey! What are you doing up here? All the fun’s downstairs!” He turned around to see the bleach blonde hair and straight white teeth that were his friend Zane.”

“I was just about to talk to someone.” When he turned back Wires had gone, vanished into one of the many doors that lined the corridor.

“Yes. Because this place is jumping with excitement.” Zane drawled sarcastically and grabbed his shoulder. “Come back down, I assure you, you’ll have more fun than if you stayed up here.” Cray sighed in agreement and followed him down the stairs. He glanced back up through the corridor and wondered; if it had taken him five years to first notice her, would it be another five years before he saw her again?

The snow stopped falling three weeks after it had begun and Cray didn’t see Wires at all through that time. He’d thought about going up to her floor to see if he could find her, but had never managed to pluck up the courage to go and have a look. None of his friends seemed to know who she was either, not even Zane who’s claim to fame was that he’d hit on every girl in the school.

“She could be lying, you know, just visiting a friend or a relative or something.”

“She could always be a spy from the HPM.” Seb suggested.

“Yeah right, and what would pure humans want with our school?” Zane droned and stuffed a forkful of food into his mouth. “Have you seen her in class at all?” Cray shook his head;

“I reckon she’s a year or two below us.” He sighed and stared at his plate of processed mush. Last year his parents had managed to get hold of a real potato and had sent him it for his birthday. Cray could still remember how wonderful it tasted, and the cultured lump of orange starch-substitute made him feel ill more than anything else.

He leaned back on his chair and let his thoughts drift away, though it wasn’t long before something snapped him back. He was looking at the dining hall upside down, but over the back of his chair Cray was sure he could see Wires.

She certainly didn’t look to happy as she shuffled along with Camille and the rest of her group of other rich trendsetters. They’d all dressed similarly that day, and Wires stuck out like a sore thumb, her black vest top refusing to blend in with their pastel pink blouses. Camille waved and the group drifted the table, Zane’s face lighting up with glee.

“Hey guys, can we sit with you?” She smiled sweetly and flicked a lock of hair back over her shoulder. “Have any of you ever met Winina before? We only discovered her the other day, isn’t it strange?” They sat down and Camille kept jabbering on, Cray phased out her annoyingly sickly sugary voice and watched Wires out of the corner of his eye. She was silent, staring at her hands as people spoke across her,like she was paralysed around too many people.

“Her parents are Canis and Linna Springwell, can you believe it? I didn’t even think that they had any children!” Camille exclaimed and colour flushed into Wires’ pale face. Zane’s jaw dropped and he stared at the poor embarrassed girl.

“You’re a Springwell! But they’re like one of the most powerful families around, they’re on par with the president for god’s sake!”

“They’re my parent but...” She spoke slowly, her face burning up even more now that all the attention was focused on her. “I would never call myself a Springwell. I lived with my Grandma until she died.” An awkward silence settled over everyone. Even Cray couldn’t believe it, his 2nd Gens looked just as old as his parents did, and there was no way they’d be dying any time soon.

“What did she die of?” Zane asked, the only one brave enough to ask the question that they were all thinking.

“Liver failure, old age. Then we were sent back to my parents and I ended up here within the same week.” That didn’t help calm the situation at all. Old age had long become a thing of that past, something used to scare young children with, and that was thank to Professor Andrews and the research that he had done those centuries ago. Sometimes people died when they decided that they’d become tired of life, but even that didn’t happen very often. Cray had no idea what to say to someone who’d been bereaved, though Wires didn’t seem to noticed the awkwardness of the conversation, to her this was just as bad as any other. She was saved from any further embarrassment when there was a loud beep; she glanced down at her pager and smiled apologetically.

“I’m sorry, but it looks like I’ve got to go.” She scrambled to her feet, clearly glad for the unexpected interruption. Once she’d left the table she ran out of the hall and darted down the stairs. Cray couldn’t help but wonder where she was going, most the floors between the hall and the basements were admin, and were rarely, if ever, visited by students. So why had she been in such a rush?

He saw her again a few hours later; she was sat on the stairs weary eyed, crumpled letter clutched in her trembling hand. Cray sat down next to her and she passed it to him, though once he’d read it he couldn’t understand why she was so very upset.

Ho Ho and Hum.

Ah, how ya’ doing Wires? Not much has been happening here, it’s been boring as hell for the past few months. God, I really wish that there were something to do, guess it’s my own fault for running away. Except I really couldn’t stand the thought of having to leave your dear pig alone. Lately Klee’s been playing up, I think he misses you, that or he’s worried about getting my cold.

Viruses, ack! I’ve been full of them lately and it’s very very annoying. Really, you wouldn’t believe it. Unfortunately it’s what happens when you live out in the snow like me. Stupid colds...

I’ve not really said much have I? Just been rambling like I always do, oh well. It’s only twenty three days until your graduation isn’t it? (although, Cray realises, it really wasn't) I still don’t understand why you let them send you, if it were me I would have left as soon as I’d arrived. I guess you must be more patient. Or obedient. Or stupid. You could be both, who knows. Take care of yourself and remember, Keep your eyes open for Angels!

Peace out sis!

Tanner

“It’s my brother Tan.” She told him quietly. “I don’t hear from him very often, and as you can see, he never really says anything of any value.”

“You miss him don’t you?” She nodded and leaned forwards, letter slipping from her hand and drifting down the stairs.

“He was meant to come here too, but he ran away with our pet pig, and I think he said he joined a circus.” She hiccupped and smiled a little. “So typical of Tan.” Cary could see that she was desperately trying to hold back tears.

“C’mon. I’ll take you back to your room.” He picked up the letter and slipped it into his pocked to give her later when she’d calmed down, before walking up with her.

By the time they reached her floor her tears had subsided away and Cray had even managed to make her laugh, though he could barely contain his jealousy when he saw where her room was. Wires was lucky enough to have on in the corner of the floor, and for some reason the headmister refused to block up the windows in those rooms. It meant that those lucky enough to get one they could see out across the snow covered city day or night.

“Thank you.” She smiled and rubbed her eyes. “I feel a lot better from talking to you.” Cray nodded and felt his stomach twist. He knew that this was probably the only time he’d get to speak to her for months, and he really couldn’t let a change like this slip away.

“Maybe you’d like to hang out with us sometime, I mean, Zane’s not as bad as he seems, and Cammy and the others are really nice once you get to know them.” Wires started giggling which only flustered him even more.

“Of course! I’d love to!”

“Really?” The answer had completely thrown him, he’d set himself up to except a negative reaction. “Great! I’ll come up and see you later okay?” She smiled and nodded, and then clicked her door shut. Cray watched it for a while before a wide grin spread across his face and he skipped down the stairs. Outside the weather might be freezing, but inside he felt so nice and warm. It was good.


_________________
「Iriguchi, Deguchi, Taguchi desu!」
She fears the dead, but loves the way they dance
Got YWS?
[please grant me my small wish; (love me to the marrow of my bones)]


Last edited by little tin fish on Wed Dec 20, 2006 9:56 am; edited 4 times in total
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 14, 2006 12:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Prolouge/2

If it weren’t for all this snow, where would we be?

The words rolled around Wires’ head and she chewed on the thought as she buried herself deeper into the thick blankets that were covering her. They’d managed to get permission to go outside so the others were having a snowball fight, and she could only wish that she were well enough to join in.

Would we still be in the same fine mess?

“Here.” Cray had gone to get her at hot drink, and she could feel its warmth through her thick gloves. He sat down next to her and wrapped an arm around her shivering frame. She always felt better when she was with him, and silently watched the heat of her drink frost in the cold air.

Would we still have to deal with the same problem?

“It’s not all that long until your final exams is it?” He asked Wires as she curled up closer to him.
“No, they’re in three weeks, and mine is the day before yours. And then you graduate.” Her voice became softer at the thought. Cray would probably be posted somewhere else and have to leave her. She shook her head and tried not to think about what would happen after that, if she managed to last that long.
Something inside of her switched on and it was like sensory overload, her nerves refusing to turn off. She could feel the constant touch of her clothes and the slightest of breezes brushing against her skin. Most of the time it wasn’t too serious as the sensation would pass moments after it had begun. That Wires could deal with, but more recently it had become too much to bear, and that seemed to be happening more when she was around Cray. The worst thing was the knowledge that she couldn’t tell him, because there was nothing they could do.
“You okay?” He asked her, she nodded and managed to relax her tensed up muscles, at least it was over for now.

The same people?


“Yeah, I’m just going to go back inside. Y’know, it’s so cold out here and all.” She gave a fake shiver and hoped that he wouldn’t ask too many more questions.
“Let me walk you back up.”
“No! No! You go and have fun, I don’t want you to miss your chance to be outside because of me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course I am, I’ll be fine on my own, don’t worry.” he grinned at this and leapt to his feet, giving her a peck on the lips before he ran to go and join the others. Wires watched him go, pulled her scarf tighter around her neck, and walked back towards the open window that was waiting for her, the same thoughts still running through her mind.

If it wasn’t for all this snow,
Would we even be here at all?




Cray straightened his bowtie and smoothed down his suit for the fifteenth time. He was so proud, not of himself, but of Wires. Never before had he even heard of any one do what she had done. It had been the day of her exams, and after she’d taken them she was asked to return the next day, and to see how well she did with Cray’s group. He still couldn’t believe that even though she was still a year behind them, she’s managed to do the best in the class.

“Are you ready yet?” Zane peered round the door and Cray was sure he could hear Camille giggling something. He checked himself over one last time and then went out to go and join his friends. “Wires’ still getting ready, Cammy’s gone up to go and see how she’s doing.” Cray nodded and let his mind wander as they walked down the stairs. He’s never seen Wires in a skirt, let alone a dress.

10th floor was special, not because it was just above the dining hall, but because it was the floor above snow level, and the view from the glass walls could only be described as magical, just like Wires was when she walked down the stairs to meet him.

She was stepping carefully, her feet unused to the weight of walking in heels. Cray felt his heart swell when he saw her, her pale ballroom dress swayed from side to side as she tiptoed down the stairs. There was a neat row of white pearls lined across her neck although her face was scrunched up and lit pink. It was when she reached him that Cray understood.

He’d never seen her bare back before, and down her spine was a thick ugly cord of scar tissue, he knew what that meant. She was still in her own body, the one that she had been born into, and she would have had to endure numerous surgeries and operations as she grew to re-wire her spinal cord. They’d probably re-chip her every time too.

“Please don’t look at it.” She said, still staring at her feet in what Cray could only guess was shame.

“Sorry, sorry.” He slipped his fingers between hers and tried to reassure her, so that instead of looking so sad she could share in the joy of everyone else.

“It’s just so... Ugly.” She said at last. He could see how uncomfortable it made her, and how much he despised it, but he could only wish that he felt any differently to her.


It took a while for Wires’ tiny feet to become used to dancing in such alien shoes, but eventually she was spinning, twirling with fluid grace across the ballroom floor, her face lit up with pure delight. It was an expression he’d only seen her wear twice before, and it was there and then that Cray decided that he would do everything he could to keep that warm smile on her face. Anything and everything.

There were in the middle of a waltz when she tripped. Cray caught her as she fell and helped her back up, but when he looked down at her feet he could see what had happened; one of the heels that had caused her so much bother had snapped clean off.

“Oh!” She stumbled towards the side, out of the throb of the crowd and slipped them off her feet. “I’m just going to go and put another pair on okay?” He nodded and she gave him a brief kiss before hurrying away up the stairs, a light skip in her step. Cray watched her leave, glad that she was feeling better and then sat down to wait for her to come back. It was a while later when Zane sauntered up, lipsticked kisses imprinted bright across his face.

“Where’s Wires? Cammy saw her go upstairs but hasn’t seen her since, she wants to know how she’s doing.”

“Oh, well, she hasn’t come back yet.” Cray realised that this was the wrong answer when the smile slipped from his friends face.

“You do realise that was two hours ago, what have you been doing all this time? Daydreaming?” He left and then said something to Camille, who proceeded to go up the stairs.

“What if I’ve upset her?” Cray began to fret. “I know that she’s really self conscious about the surge that she’d had.” He stood up and ignored the protests comeing from Zane. “I’m going to go and see her.”

“Fine then, I’ll come with you too, ease the blow if it’s anything bad.” He winked and together, they made their way up to the dorms.


When he reached her floor, the first thing Cray felt was the cold. It chilled him to the bone. Something erupted from the end of the corridor and a flurry of white powder cascaded down towards him. He reached out and caught a handful. Snowflakes. They danced around his palm before melting away. He flicked of the water and a frown knitted across his brow as his mind worked through the situation, though once he realised what had happened he broke into a run.

The only place snow could come from was outside, and up here the way outside was through a window. And there was only on room down this corridor that had windows. The corner room. Wires’ room.

He could hear Camille crying before he even opened the door, though once he did Cray felt like doing the same thing. The place was a complete mess. Broken glass lay shattered over the floor, over her bed, over all her things and it crunched underfoot as Cray forced himself to go inside. There was what looked like blood splattered over the walls, frosted with the coldness of the snow. Sheets of paper were flapping around caught up in the wind, some were blown out into the corridor, others were sucked up into the blackness of the city, pulled out through the gaping holes that were windows. Their glass was missing. And so was Wires.

_________________
「Iriguchi, Deguchi, Taguchi desu!」
She fears the dead, but loves the way they dance
Got YWS?
[please grant me my small wish; (love me to the marrow of my bones)]
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 4:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Green = Comment/Correction
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*

Wot cheer, Fish? Wink

Quote:
The bright lights flickered on and off erratically, the harsh glare stinging Cray’s eyes. It had been snowing for nine days now and still showed no signs of stopping. The city’s main source of power had been overloaded within the first few days of the blizzard and had stopped working, so now the building was running from its own backup generator. All the elevators and ‘non-essential’ floors had been turned off and shut down. Although it meant that pretty much all lessons had been cancelled until the snow subsided, it also meant that he had to climb up some fifty flights of stairs just to get back to his room after he’d been to the lunch hall.


Interesting beginning and it kept me wanting to read further. Two things I’d like to point out:

1) Just saying ‘building’ doesn’t really help. Is it an institution as Cray has ‘lessons’ there? Or a name would be helpful.

2) it also meant that he had to climb up some fifty flights of stairs ... One of the things that I notice a lot is the use of ‘some’ and it is as if you’re not too sure what the actual number is, you could just take it out.


Quote:
When he finally reached the thirty-second floor the flickering stopped, though he wasn’t sure if that was because it was one of the only recreational floors that had been left open, the only floor with anything to do inside.


You could change the repeated floor to level, or another synonym.

Quote:
He was about to give up and head back upstairs to see who he could find when he noticed her, the girl sat alone at the video booths.


I think you should replace ‘her’ with ‘a girl’, as you introduced her out of the blue. Try something like: ... when he noticed a girl, sitting sat alone at the video booth(s).

Quote:
He took a set of headphones from the rack and went over to go and join her.


^^^ See quote, it was a tad unnecessary to have ‘go and’.

Quote:
The main noticeable difference between then and now were that the sky was a pure, warm blue, and the clouds that hung in it were made of a delicate, white and fluff.


‘difference’ ought to be ‘differences’ as the changes mentioned are the sky and clouds. Take out ‘and’.

Quote:
He’d pretty much spent his whole life living in the school and had come to learn everyone’s face.


‘learn’? Why not ‘recognise’ or ‘become familiar with’ as these are associated with sight?

Quote:
Her dark blonde hair ran down to her shoulders and Cray was saw sure(?) he saw had seen a flash of the barcode tattooed under her as she tucked a stray lock of hair behind it, her round grey eyes dancing with child-like delight as she watched the show.


^^^ See quote, where was the barcode (if there is one)?

Quote:
She could be an exchange student from one of the many other schools like this dotted across the globe, or perhaps her parents had only recently sent her, hoping for her to be enrolled before she was deemed to old too join.


Typo: Swap the to and too around Smile

Quote:
“Can I help you?” She asked, pausing the program to look up at him. Cray realised that he had been staring at her whilst he had been thinking and cursed himself inwardly.


I liked that, I could just imagine Wires turning to him.

Quote:
Wires was talking to someone he didn’t know, and he would have gone and spoken to here when she was done but he heard an all too familiar loud brash voice.


‘here’ = her

Quote:
“Hey! What are you doing up here? All the fun’s downstairs!” He turned around to see the bleached(?) blonde hair and straight white teeth that were belonged to his friend Zane.


^^^ See quote. End speech mark is a type.

Quote:
The snow stopped falling three weeks after it had begun and Cray didn’t see Wires at all throughout(?) that time.


^^^ See suggestion

Quote:
“She could always be a spy from the HPM.” Seb suggested.


Who is this Seb? Perhaps you could add he was a friend?

Quote:
“Yeah right, and what would pure humans want with our school?” Zane droned and stuffed a forkful of food into his mouth. “Have you seen her in class at all?” Garth shook his head;

“I reckon she’s a year or two below us.” He sighed and stared at his plate of processed mush. Last year his parents had managed to get hold of a real potato and had sent him it for his birthday. Cray could still remember how wonderful it tasted, and the cultured lump of orange starch-substitute made him feel ill more than anything else.


Was Garth meant to be Cray? I was reading the above, assuming it was Garth and then you mentioned Cray.

Quote:
She certainly didn’t look to happy as she shuffled along with Camille and the rest of her group of other rich trendsetters.


Typo: ‘to’ = too

Quote:
They sat down and Camille kept jabbering on, Cray phased out her annoyingly sickly sugary voice and watched Wires out of the corner of his eye.


I think you went a little overboard with that. But, if you want to keep it in, you could have it in brackets/apostrophes so we know that is what Cray thinks of Camillie’s voice.

Quote:
Old age had long become a thing of that the past, something used to scare young children with, and that was thanks to Professor Andrews and the research that he had done those centuries ago.


^^^ See quote.

Quote:
Wires was lucky enough to have on in the corner of the floor, and for some reason the headmister refused to block up the windows in those rooms.


Typo: ‘on’ = one. Was ‘headmister’ intentionally spelt that way?

Quote:
It meant that those lucky enough to get one they could see out across the snow covered city day or night.


This is, almost, repeating the previous sentence. Try: It meant that the occupants of these rooms could see out across the snowed covered city day and night.

Quote:
“It’s not all that long until your final exams is it?” He asked Wires as she curled up closer to him.
“No, they’re in three weeks, and mine is the day before yours. And then you graduate.” Her voice became softer at the thought. Cray would probably be posted somewhere else and have to leave her. She shook her head and tried not to think about what would happen after that, if she managed to last that long.
Something inside of her switched on and it was like sensory overload, her nerves refusing to turn off. She could feel the constant touch of her clothes and the slightest of breezes brushing against her skin. Most of the time it wasn’t too serious as the sensation would pass moments after it had begun. That Wires could deal with, but more recently it had become too much to bear, and that seemed to be happening more when she was around Cray. The worst thing was the knowledge that she couldn’t tell him, because there was nothing they could do.
“You okay?” He asked her, she nodded and managed to relax her tensed up muscles, at least it was over for now.


Space out these paragraphs.

Quote:
“Yeah, I’m just going to go back inside. Y’know, it’s so cold out here and all.” She gave a fake shiver and hoped that he wouldn’t ask too many more questions.
“Let me walk you back up.”
“No! No! You go and have fun, I don’t want you to miss your chance to be outside because of me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course I am, I’ll be fine on my own, don’t worry.” he grinned at this and leapt to his feet, giving her a peck on the lips before he ran to go and join the others. Wires watched him go, pulled her scarf tighter around her neck, and walked back towards the open window that was waiting for her, the same thoughts still running through her mind.


Another set of paragraphs that need spacing. Plus ‘he’ needs to be capitalised.

Quote:
Never before had he even heard of any one do what she had done.


Confusing sentence as there is one or two words missing, I believe.

Quote:
He still couldn’t believe that even though she was still a year behind them, she’s managed to do the best in the class.


‘she’s’ = she’d

Quote:
There was a neat row of white pearls lined across her neck although her face was scrunched up and lit pink.


Wouldn’t the pearls be around her neck rather than across?

Quote:
There were in the middle of a waltz when she tripped.


‘there’ = they

Quote:
It was a while later when Zane sauntered up, lipsticked kisses imprinted bright across his face.


You could rearrange the last part of the sentence as ‘lipsticked’ is a little awkward. Something like: It was a while later when Zane sauntered up, bright lipstick kisses imprinted across his face.

Quote:
He stood up and ignored the protests comeing from Zane.


‘comeing’ = coming

Quote:
He flicked of the water and a frown knitted across his brow as his mind worked through the situation, though once he realised what had happened he broke into a run.


‘of’ = off

Quote:
And there was only on room down this corridor that had windows.


‘on’ = one

Quote:
Broken glass lay shattered over the floor, over her bed, over all her things and it crunched underfoot as Cray forced himself to go inside.


‘over’ = try ‘across’

1) Character

Cray – I don’t remember seeing him in your CAG posts but I’ll get on with the critique, as a first impression I wasn’t sure I would like him or not but I warmed towards him halfway through critiquing. He appears to be decent as he knows Wires feel uncomfortable with the cord on her back and he doesn’t press her too hard about her uneasiness.

Wires – I’m guessing this is Wires a couple of years (decades?) ago. She seems different, like she knows how to be happy instead of the shut-down Wires I see on the CAG thread. I had expected to see a grouchy person but she isn’t like that at all.

2) Dialogue

So far you have the dialogue covered, it is easy to follow, and reads smoothly. No complaints there Wink

3) Description

You’ve got the people done but it was the school(?) that lacked much description. I could only imagine mesh coverings, metals and silver railings but that is perhaps not what you had in mind. Just small details every now and again would help to create a picture, the mention of neon lights (that’s just an example) or pristine halls of white would do. It isn’t a major problem but it really helps the reader build their own version of your world.

Fish, I’m surprised you didn’t post this before! What were you waiting for? In two short prologues I already got a feel of this future world where you can meet your fifth generation (5th Gens, right?) and the ‘shady’ outside world where the sky is different to ours.

I really want to know what happens to Wires and how she meets the others (Ket. Klee?) or if she goes to her be with her brother.

I loved it from beginning to end, I waited for ages to read about Wires and here I am—very pleased, by the way. Now you HAVE to post the next part Very Happy

-- Myth

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 15, 2006 8:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know what i think, i told you when i saw you last and read it all!
But i'm just posting because this story is really good! Plus it makes me want to draw them all! You remember my proppsition?




I'll do it one day! Honestly!
I haven't got enough time to read it again, but did you re wright the errors we found? I'm guessing you did, mainly because we found them....
That was a stupid question. But remember it isn't your actualy spelling, it's the keyborads! They suck!



And i'll keep an eye on this thread for you, because you told me to. Thanks to anyone who helps my good friend out, becuase i'm not the best at reviewing, and she needs a change from my blathering!


And you kept the little sentences in! They really bring something into the story, i dont know what it is...maybe mystery...
Do you know how long it took me to type mystery? Geez!

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 18, 2006 12:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Myth: I don't think I ever used Cray in the CAG because Wires is much more interesting (and also more... pursuasive) and Cray's more naive than anything else.

Quote:
Was Garth meant to be Cray? I was reading the above, assuming it was Garth and then you mentioned Cray.


I though I'd changed them all, ms word must have missed that. This idea originally came from a dream. I've changed most of it, apart from the school and the snow, and Wires (In the dream, that was me O_O)And the guy was called Garth. Except that's the same name someone had if a different dream I had that I'm writing (there's too many -_-" !) so I ended up switching between the two as I went along, and then decided on Cray in the end.

Ack, description. I used to have a big problem a few year ago in that I described things too much! In my English coursework at GSCE, we did the assassin and it was a full five pages in my book with my tiny writing before anything happened. My teacher made me cut parts out before I handed it in. I'll have to work on that over Christmas if Wires lets me.

Klee will make his appearence soon enough, although Ket's from a different idea I had, though I might string it in if I get bored. The next part will be up tommorow if I remember to stikc it on a floppy disk and bring it to college.

Thanks so much, again!

L: You don't blather, and if you do it's most entertaining and useful Wink I've forgotten most of the mistakes we found but Myth found most of them again so ja... Hmm...

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 10:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I remembered my floppy disk! And it's not a broken one so it didn't get stuck in the computer like last time...

/3

Snow was falling again. Cray watched it through his window with mild interest. Through the tumbling powder he could see the towering school across the street, and the sheets of thick plastic that had bordered up broken windows. Even after all these months the place was still being treated as a crime scene; kidnappings were rarer than death itself.

He had requested that he was stationed here after his graduation and no-one had argued. The barracks was adjoined to the school by a series of tunnels, most of them were under the snow, though one or two could be seen outside, encased in snow. Apparently eons ago people had worked here, in these so called ‘sky scrapers’, although as far as Cray could see there was no reason why anyone would want to be near to the sky at all.

He was so determined to find out what had happened to Wires it was beginning to consume him. Every inch of wall space that was his was covered in photos of her room, from the shattered windows to the strange mural that had been painted on her ceiling, the green circles all within each other. Cray didn’t know what it meant, and no-one else seemed to either, although it had been agreed that it must have something to do with the HPM, that the pure humans wanted to steal their perfect child.

But he wouldn’t have to wait all that long before he could see the bastards face to face. He and Zane were part of the section that were currently on standby after the city’s oil fields had been attacked and set aflame. As PILOT they would have to protect it, even at the cost of their own lives.

“Are you still moping in here?” Zane sighed and shut the curtains. “You know there’s nothing we can do for now, just wait until next week and it’ll all work out.”

“Not if we don’t find her. Think about it, why would they want to keep her alive?” Cray snapped although he didn’t mean to be so rude, his friend had given up a placement across the other side of the globe, a placement where he would be with Camille to look after him, and Zane managed to tolerate his short temperedness so far, although Cray didn’t know how much longer it would be before he too left him all alone.

“Just get some rest okay? Take each day as it comes.” He climbed into bed and turned the lights off, casting them both into a perfect darkness. Cray waited until he was sure that Zane was asleep, and then slid the curtains slightly ajar, a slim narrow strip of light shining into the room. He unfolded the dirty crumpled piece of paper and felt his eyes sting with tears as her read through the words.

It was the only piece of her that he’d been able to salvage, saved from obliteration the other things had faced once they’d exploded out of Wire’s room. Perhaps if it had been anything else it wouldn’t make him feel so bad, so empty and hollow. It was the letter that she’d shown him before, the once from Tanner It reminded him of how little he actually knew about her, and the silent promise he’d made to keep her safe. To keep her happy.


“Jeez, can’t you hurry up? It’s not like we have all day!”

“Well Sor-ry, but I’ve got to find my eye first.”

“I still don’t see why you won’t let us replace it, it’s not like we haven’t got any matches we can’t harvest.”

“I don’t care!”

“Well hurry up! The others are waiting for us outside!”

“Just... One... More... Got it! Now, let’s go!”



The light flicked on. Before Cray could even register that something was happening a sharp screech stung through his ear, snapping him into consciousness. He scrambled out of bed and rubbed his temples, the sound had stopped, but he could still feel it lingering in the back out his mind, ready to strike again if he didn’t get up. Zane groaned and rolled onto the floor, muttering under his breath.

“What’s going on?” He began to ask, though a sting of bright words scrolled before his eyes, an order to go down to the conference room.

“You get that?”

“Yeah.” Zane sniffed and pulled himself up onto his feet. “I know I don’t fancy getting another blast of that horn, let’s head down.” The stumbled out of their room and down the corridor, it was still early and no-one else seemed to be up, though once they’d reached the stairs Cray could see other people from their section, all still dressed in their pyjamas, all looking equally tired.


How long do you think we’ll have before they turn up?


The conference room was painted a crisp clean surgical white, and the light seemed to reflect off the walls, stinging Cray’s weary eyes. He’d always hated it in here, and dreamed of destroying the paintings of high ranking officials that hung on the walls. They were all still alive, though if through freak chance a PILOT died, there would be no memory, their existence gradually forgotten.

A long table stretched down the centre of the room and each side was lined with chairs in which the sleepy soldiers collapsed. At the head of the table was a large round disc. Once everyone was sat down it began to spin around, crackle, and projected the image of PILOT Commander Fletcher onto the empty seat.

“We had not expected the purists to act so quickly,” He began, “and so we are not completely certain it is they that we have detected. Nevertheless, we believe that one of our oil fields is again under threat. You are begin sent out to protect it, to defend the productivity of the city.

“As a precaution, we want you all to wear rubber suits.” The image flashed up onto the wall, beside where the Commander was sat. Cray looked around and could see people beginning to worry. A few decades ago the HPM had developed an electrical weapon which, when it hit the right spot, could completely short out someone’s chip, someone’s identity.


I don’t, know but we should have enough time to find it.


“Now, when this transmission ends I want you all to leave and gather your things, and then head out to the front where transportation will be waiting for you. Good luck.” The image flickered as the disc began to spin slower, and one was motionless he was gone. For a while they all sat in silence, as the magnitude of their task began to dawn on them. If it was the HPM they were fighting, then there would be masses of people there, and section X-23 was one of the smaller groups.

Eventually, someone stood up and left, the others trickling out after them. Cray glanced at Zane as they walked down the stairs to storage, when the got there they were each handed a neatly folded pile of clothes and whisked away to get changed,

Cray had only just pulled the suit on, rubber tight across his shoulders when he was pulled out and given his weapons. He was deft with a rapier, he’d scored good marks on that part of his exam, but he detested guns. They were such primitive brutal devices, but then that matched the simple primitive brutes that they would be fighting.


Yes, we do. Besides, if they do turn up while we’re still here what could they do?


He and Zane were two of the first to dart out into the snow and clamber into the back of the truck, although it wasn’t long before the other all turned up to join them. There were eight of them altogether, Cray noted as the vehicle roared into motion, dark, cold, icy sludge thrown up by its spinning tyres.

The moon was still high in the sky, hanging like a drop of sliver lost forever in the infinite inky reaches of space. Cray yawned. Either they were woken up so early because it was a serious emergency, or because it would take so long for them to reach their destination. The more he thought about it, the more he decided it was the latter; it would explain why they’d sent out such a small group anyway.


Nothing at all, except die perhaps. Is everyone tuned in? Normal frequency?


They began to slow down, and Cray could see the golden smudge on the horizon, the sun trying to shine through the thick clouds that smothered it. He watched it through squinted eyes, wondering, what did the sun look like?


Of course. Do you see that? It must be them. We’re all ready? Good, then let’s go!


An explosion blasted Cray away from his day-dream and the truck stopped abruptly, people tumbling out from it in the fear that it was about to blow up. Once Cray had climbed out he could see the steaming hiss of smoke and the fast freezing pool of water that suggested towards some kind of hand-thrown ammunition.

A bullet zipped past his ear and smashed into the face of the person behind him. Almost immediately Cray felt his stomach heave at the sight, and only managed to settle it by telling himself over and over that they would be back within days, clean and fresh in a new perfect body.

Something bright danced in the corner of his eyes, but when he turned to look it was gone. Fear began so set in, stirring through the adrenaline. What the hell were they supposed to be fighting?


Leave it! Let me take care of him!


There was the light thump of feet against the soft snow, Cray turned, gun poised, but when saw what it was his heart faltered. She looked just like Wires, but with such a scarred face, and such an emotionless expression that anger began to build up inside of him. They’d taken her body, de-chipped it and then replaced it with another personality that had abused it. He brought up his gun, and through fury blurred tears, sent a bulled deep into its shoulder.

The body shook with the impact of the blow but it didn’t even flinch, cold glaring face showing no spark of life, no recognition of pain. It continued running towards him, blood flowing down its arm as the limp limb flailed about wildly, but before he could react again, it’d pressed the barrel of its gun against his head, just below his hairline, cocked down a little so that the bullet would pass through the base of his skull, and shatter he chip that was lodged there.

“No.” He whispered, eyes wide with terror. It grinned at this and Cray could see Wires’ once perfect white teeth had been filed into grotesque yellow points. “I swear, if you do that I’ll-”

“You’ll do what?” It interrupted, words failed him. This… thing, it still had Wires’ voice, even if the words she spoke were not her own.


C’mon! We’ve got what we came for, let’s go before Mary looses an eye again!


Her features hardened and the twisted smile slipped from her face.

“Goodbye, Murderer.”

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 11:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This shouldn't have been typed up so quickly, but it was, it's probably why this is the shortest part so far. Oh well.

/4


Blue.

Blue was the only memory Cray had of the last time that he had been here, that and the scent of something sharp that was apparently called ‘Pine fresh’. Once he had asked why no-one could ever remember, and someone had told him the answer but, ironically, he’d forgotten that too.

Even though all his nerves hadn’t connected properly yet he could still feel something soft, warm and light brushing against his skin and knew at once what it was. It was knowing that it was there, that strange blue ball that would be monitoring his vital signs. He knew where he was. A medic sphere.

Cray wasn’t sure how long it was before he was consciously aware of existing again. All his senses seemed to be heightened and, slowly, he forced himself to open an eye. Sure enough, a round blue glowing ball was steadily hovering around his head. When it saw that he was awake it drifted closer to his face, its warm fuzziness tickling the tip of Cray’s nose. He took a deep breath and blew it away, watching the spherical light fall away from him like a feather.

With the realisation that he was still alive, if not remembering how he’d got there, Cray wondered which sphere he would be in. There were only three but which one was the nearest? The last time he’d been to one was when he was seven, he had fallen down the stairs and broken his neck Carefully, he reached up a hand and felt the smooth baby-like skin that was there, remembering how the blood and bone had stuck out so. Perhaps the memory of how he’d died would return to him in a few days.

“You’re awake?” Cray recognised the fragile and meek voices all the medics seemed to have, though he couldn’t see who he was talking to, the bright ball had returned to haze his vision. “You are awake.” She said again to answer herself. “Please wait one moment, try not to move too much.”

Well, He thought, what else does she expect me to do?
There was the hiss of steam and something began to push him forwards into a thick gooey membrane. Cray swung his weak arms around, trying to grab hold of something, anything to keep him upright. It held him there for a moment, suspended, before he burst though onto the slick floor. He tried to stand up but his legs buckled beneath him, sending Cray crashing back to the ground.

“I told you not to move too much.” She sighed, pushing in a squeaky trolley. “Let’s just hope you haven’t broken any bones or bruised any tissue.” Cray tried to look up at her, but the light outside of his cocoon was so bright he could feel it burning his eyes even when he scrunched them tight shut. The medic grabbed a hold of his arm and after a little difficulty managed to haul him up onto the trolley.

She pushed him along, and gradually the lights faded enough for him to open his eyes without fear of them hurting. Cray has always been slightly scared of the medics, and was glad that they separated themselves and ran independent of the cities. He wasn’t sure if he could take it if he had to see them on a daily basis. They all had the same pale perfect porcelain skin, narrow cream ringed eyes and pure white hair that this one had tied up tight in a bun. They were almost albino, and Cray had never seen any that looked any different.

They were waiting in a lift, slowly sliding up floors that were no doubt snowed under, when the medic reached into the pocked of her lab-coat and took out a round palm-sized object. She passed it to Cray and he clicked it open. A mirror. He was surprised by what he saw, his eyes, instead of their normal deep brown, were a crisp bright blue. There wasn’t a thread of hair on his bare head; he ran a finger along the bald skin where his eyebrows should have been.

“It’ll grow back within the next six weeks.” She told him as he clicked the mirror closed and passed it back to her, she slipped it into her pocket before continuing. “Your eyes should be back to normal in a month or two.” Cray nodded, completely exhausted despite having not really done all that much, and decided that now would probably be a good time to some much needed sleep.



Apparently long, long ago people used to understand each other using different sets of words, and these sets were known as ‘languages’. The only thing that remained of any of these ‘languages’ were the accents, and it always amused Cray whenever he remembered the last time he’d watched the reorientation film and they’d used the wrong copy. So instead of being spoken to in the soft vowels he was used to, he had been greeted by a voice that seemed more like a joke.

“Hi there!” An old looking bearded man stepped onto the screen, he was carrying a clip-board and had a wide stupid grin plastered across his face. “You’ll probably know me, I’m Professor Andrews, the one that developed the system that means you’re still here alive and well.” Cray’s interest began dwindle away; the man had started droning on about the new upgrades in this particular remodelling. He knew that this wasn’t the Professor talking, he’d died what? Centuries ago?

Cray was about to start looking for an escape route, or at least something to distract himself when the image began to break up and the voice crackled on and off. For a while the screen went black, before another aging man slowly faded into view. He looked a lot like the previous, except, well, more human. His eyes were tired and lines of age wrinkled his worn face, and when he spoke it was in a deep weary voice.

“To those I have inflicted this horror upon, I could never apologise enough.” He closed his eyes and sighed. “Children, could you ever find it in your hearts to forgive this old fool? Please I-” Before he could finish the image flick back to its original form, continuing on as if it had never stopped. Cray glanced around to see if anyone else had seen the same thing. there was a pair of medics taking an unauthorised nap at the back of the room, and there were more glowing lights drifting overhead but they all seemed oblivious to the interruption, else one would have come down to investigate.

Eventually the presentation ended and Cray was led away to a different section of the dome for the next part of his reorientation back into body, but as he left he was sure that, in the back of his mind, he could hear far and distant sound hushed whispers mutter;

“We already have”

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 2:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

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Before I forget, you should rate this (PG-13 or R).

Quote:
He had requested that he was to be stationed there after his graduation and no-one had argued.


^^^ See quote

Quote:
“Not if we don’t find her. Think about it, why would they want to keep her alive?” Cray snapped although he didn’t mean to be so rude. His friend had given up a placement across the other side of the globe, a placement where he would be with Camille to look after him, and Zane managed to tolerate his short temperedness so far, although Cray didn’t know how much longer it would be before he too left him all alone.


Quite a mouthful, Wink Split it into two sentences, the first ending after ‘rude’.

Quote:
He unfolded the dirty crumpled piece of paper and felt his eyes sting with tears as her read through the words.


‘her’ = he

Quote:
It was the letter that she’d shown him before, the once from Tanner. It reminded him of how little he actually knew about her, and the silent promise he’d made to keep her safe.


Period needed after ‘Tanner’.

Quote:
“Jeez, can’t you hurry up? It’s not like we have all day!”

“Well Sor-ry, but I’ve got to find my eye first.”

“I still don’t see why you won’t let us replace it, it’s not like we haven’t got any matches we can’t harvest.”

“I don’t care!”

“Well hurry up! The others are waiting for us outside!”

“Just... One... More... Got it! Now, let’s go!”


Oh, the curiosity is killing me. Don’t know who they are but its funny!

Quote:
He scrambled out of bed and rubbed his temples, the sound had stopped, but he could still feel it lingering in the back out his mind, ready to strike again if he didn’t get up.


‘out’ = of

Quote:
The conference room was painted a crisp clean surgical white, and the light seemed to reflect off the walls, stinging Cray’s weary eyes. He’d always hated it in here, and dreamed of destroying the paintings of high ranking officials that hung on the walls. They were all still alive, though if through freak chance a PILOT died, there would be no memory, their existence gradually forgotten.


I love how Cray hates these officials. Reminds me of some of the things my sister says.

Quote:
“We had not expected the purists to act so quickly,” He began, “and so we are not completely certain it is they that we have detected. Nevertheless, we believe that one of our oil fields is again under threat. You are begin sent out to protect it, to defend the productivity of the city.


He = he, begin = being

Quote:
“As a precaution, we want you all to wear rubber suits.” The image flashed up onto the wall, beside where the Commander was sat.


^^^ See quote

Quote:
The image flickered as the disc began to spin slower, and one when it(?) was motionless he was gone.


^^^ See suggestion

Quote:
Eventually, someone stood up and left, the others trickling out after them.


‘them’ = him as it is a single person (or her if it was a woman).

Quote:
Cray glanced at Zane as they walked down the stairs to storage, when the got there they were each handed a neatly folded pile of clothes and whisked away to get changed,


‘the’ = they, and that comma ought to be a period.

Quote:
Cray had only just pulled the suit on, rubber tight across his shoulders, when he was pulled out and given his weapons. He was deft with a rapier, he’d scored good marks on that part of his exam, but he detested guns. They were such primitively(?) brutal devices, but then that matched the simple primitive brutes that they would be fighting.


^^^ See quote and isn’t a rapier a sword?

Quote:
He and Zane were two of the first to dart out into the snow and clamber into the back of the truck, although it wasn’t long before the others all turned up to join them. There were eight of them altogether, Cray noted as the vehicle roared into motion, dark, cold, icy sludge thrown up by its spinning tyres.


^^^ See quote

Quote:
The moon was still high in the sky, hanging like a drop of sliver lost forever in the infinite inky reaches of space.


‘sliver’ = silver

Quote:
An explosion blasted Cray away from his day-dream and the truck stopped abruptly, people tumbling out from it in the fear that it was about to blow up. Once Cray had climbed out he could see the steaming hiss of smoke and the fast, freezing pool of water that suggested towards some a kind of hand-thrown ammunition.


^^^ See suggestions

Quote:
Fear began so set in, stirring through the adrenaline. What the hell were they supposed to be fighting?


‘so’ = to

Quote:
He brought up his gun, and through fury and blurred tears, sent a bulled bullet deep into its shoulder.


^^^ See quote

Quote:
It continued running towards him, blood flowing down its arm as the limp limb flailed about wildly, but before he could react again, it’d pressed the barrel of its gun against his head, just below his hairline, cocked down a little so that the bullet would pass through the base of his skull, and shatter he chip that was lodged there.


I think the two words were too close together, you could take one out and see how you can change it. Example: ... blood flowing down its arm as it limped, flailing about wildly ...

I love the bits in italics and this Wires is creepy. I don’t know why this version of Wires is called a ‘pure human’, aren’t they parts and chips like machines? I had thought of them as androids/gynoids, etc.

The only mistakes I’ve seen are due to you rushing, did you get this done last night or the LRC? Apart from that I didn’t see much to correct from this.

I’m not too sure in which year this it, it could be any time but I don’t think it is that important to be added in to the story.

How long after Wires’ disappearance is this? Do her parents know? I’m curious to know why Cray was called a ‘Murderer’.

-- Myth

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 19, 2006 2:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

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Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

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Quote:
He took a deep breath and blew it away, watching the spherical light fall away from him like a feather.


Fall away wasn’t the right word to use here, as you have ‘feather’ in there why not drift or float?

Quote:
The last time he’d been to one was when he was seven, he had fallen down the stairs and broken his neck. Carefully, he reached up a hand and felt the smooth baby-like skin that was there, remembering how the blood and bone had stuck out so.


Period after ‘neck’.

Quote:
There wasn’t a thread of hair on his bare head; he ran a finger along the bald skin where his eyebrows should have been.


‘bare’ = bold, bare doesn’t sound right.

Quote:
“It’ll grow back within the next six weeks.” She told him as he clicked the mirror closed and passed it back to her, she slipped it into her pocket before continuing.


‘closed’ = shut? <-- If you think it suits.

Quote:
“Your eyes should be back to normal in a month or two.” Cray nodded, completely exhausted despite having not really done all that much, and decided that now would probably be a good time to some much needed sleep.


^^^ See quote

Quote:
Cray’s interest began to dwindle away; the man had started droning on about the new upgrades in this particular remodelling.


^^^ See quote

Quote:
Before he could finish the image flick back to its original form, continuing on as if it had never stopped.


‘flick’ = flicked

Quote:
“We already have”


Period missing.

Hmm... That’s a gruesome thing to go through every time you die or have an accident. Is there a limit to the number of time a person can be regenerated? This reminds me of a movie (forgot the film) where people could be regenerated and you could tell if they were a ‘copy’ by counting dots in their eyelid or something.