Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Music In Me - Chapter 1
Music In Me - Chapter 1

by Meep(: in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on November 6, 2006
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


Tresbourn Island (Working Title) Goto page 1, 2  Next

Topic ID: 11220
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
RoxanneR   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

90
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 162
Reviews: 90

300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 7:25 pm    Post subject: Tresbourn Island (Working Title) Reply with quote

Prologue:

She stood, motionless, in the large, arched window of the old stone castle. She looked like she was alone, but on closer inspection; a young man was cowering in the shadows. She spoke, breaking the empty silence;

“It happens every time I send you out. You fail me,” she sighed dramatically.

“I’m sorry, General,” whimpered the man, coming into the light of the full moon.

“It’s not just a case of saying sorry and it all being over and done with. I must find him.” She yelled, throwing a blue and white vase across the room. The man ducked and the vase hit the wall above his head. Moments earlier, it had been priceless. She was calmer now.

"Where have you been looking for him?” she asked.

“All over your island, my lady. But there is no sign of him,” the man replied.

She walked to the glassless window and said, her voice dripping with deadly poison,

“Of course, you never thought to look on his island, did you?”

“He has an island? Where is it?” The man asked, genuine confusion in his voice.

“Right next to my island, you moron! Honestly, go and look out the window!”

The man rushed to the arch, not wanting to upset the woman further.

“Well, now that you have some sense drilled into that puny brain, you can continue your search, can’t you?” the woman whispered

“But my lady…” the man hesitated to ask the question that he had been dreading the whole evening.

“Can’t you?” the woman repeated, harder this time, and the man ran down the stairs, a faint,

“Yes, my lady,” echoing up the winding stairs.

The woman smiled; she had him now.



Last edited by RoxanneR on Tue Nov 07, 2006 4:48 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Buscador!   View This User's Portfolio
The Searcher
Epic Novelist

508
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 21
Joined: 23 Dec 2004
Posts: 3286
Reviews: 508
Country: Somewhere between the second and third circle of hell, I'm sure.
59 Points

PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It looks like you've copied and pasted this right out of word or works. There is nothing wrong with that, of course. However, your indentations, for whatever reason, don't register when you post it. So right now it looks like one big, huge, gob of words. To make it easier to read, I suggest double spacing the paragrpahs, like so:

Quote:
She stood, motionless, in the large, arched window of the old stone castle. She looked like she was alone, but on closer inspection; a young man was cowering in the shadows. She spoke, breaking the empty silence; "It happens every time I send you out. You fail me,” she sighed dramatically.

“I’m sorry, General,” whimpered the man,
coming into the light of the full moon.


etc.

That said, I found this (rather short) piece amusing. It reminds me of one of my stories, actrually. The incompetent subordinate, the raging Superior...it's all very fun.

Have you more?

_________________
Got YWS?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Snoink   View This User's Portfolio
Snuggly
Writer of Legend

2137
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 8716
Reviews: 2137
Country: USA
1931 Points

PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First of all, the grammar is kind of weird. If you have a cool English teacher, you might want to ask about using punctuation, where to put periods, and everything of that sort. I'm sure that your teacher will be thrilled with your questions. Smile Also, there might be others who help you here, but I don't want to get bogged down with the grammar aspect, okay? Smile

I find this an interesting story. There's a female general (you don't see those everyday!) and her presence on the man is pretty cool, at least to my feminist mind. The main thing to work on, besides the grammar, is work on describing. You're describing in between the dialogue, which is really good, but I think you can get away with describing a little bit more. So instead of describing the way they say their words, you can say how they're moving, what they're looking at, etc.

Hope that helps! Very Happy

_________________
"So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh

Video Critiques by Yours Truly. Wink
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Trident   View This User's Portfolio
The Tattered Scribe is in us all.
Master of the Forum

262
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 21
Joined: 08 Sep 2006
Posts: 1008
Reviews: 262
Country: U.S.
350 Points

PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, I would cut down on the "he replied", "she sighed". Most of the time this isn't even necessary because the words themselves describe how they say them.

The story is interesting. There's not much to go on, but it's a prologue, so that is natural.

_________________
Perception is everything.

Visit The Tattered Scribe: http://rhetor.blogs.com/scribe/
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
rosethorn   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

90
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 20
Joined: 18 Sep 2006
Posts: 189
Reviews: 90
Country: United States
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 8:58 pm    Post subject: Memory Reply with quote

It's a really nice start! Way to draw people in!

The general being a woman is really nice because it's not what people would generally expect. I'm glad that you don't mention the specifics on who she is looking for. It keeps the reader hooked.

I agree with Snoink. More description would do it well. I, myself, love to know a little bit about what the character looks like. Even just something like age or body type gives some great visuals, without being too controling as far as imagination goes. Unless it's absolutely nessesary to keep your characters in the dark as far as that goes, I'd give them a little description. (However, finding the right place to put that description can be challenging.)

As always,

POKE


Last edited by rosethorn on Tue Nov 07, 2006 5:32 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
RoxanneR   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

90
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 162
Reviews: 90

300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 11:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for all those comments, guys. I did just paste it out of word (I couldn't be bothered to type it all out again!)

I always think it's a bit sexist that all the Generals are males, so i thought it would be an interesting twist to add a female General.

I have more of this story coming, but i'm still editing it so it will be up in the next few days. I have lots of other stuff as well so keep watching!


Thanks for looking!

RR*
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Soldier boy jack   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

33
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 18
Joined: 06 Nov 2006
Posts: 40
Reviews: 33

300 Points

PostPosted: Tue Nov 07, 2006 6:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hi this is actually my story and my dream the person who uploaded it is helping me make it a good story (just so you know)

_________________
i don't really care anymore if people hate me,
i'm used to it, so don't bother saying anything to me, because you know that i really don't care!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
drunky_punky   View This User's Portfolio
Novice

5
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 08 Nov 2006
Posts: 10
Reviews: 5

300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 2:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hmmm it's nice but your grammars very odd please post more!!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Soldier boy jack   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

33
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 18
Joined: 06 Nov 2006
Posts: 40
Reviews: 33

300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 5:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hi its a good story line (i say that because we both came up with it) but you really need to work on your grammar but other than that its a great start to something good (love Jack)

_________________
i don't really care anymore if people hate me,
i'm used to it, so don't bother saying anything to me, because you know that i really don't care!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Soldier boy jack   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

33
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 18
Joined: 06 Nov 2006
Posts: 40
Reviews: 33

300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Nov 08, 2006 7:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

what more can i say i dreamed it i made it into a script then you came and made it a whole lot better thanks so much i owe alot to you roxanner

_________________
i don't really care anymore if people hate me,
i'm used to it, so don't bother saying anything to me, because you know that i really don't care!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
miyaviloves   View This User's Portfolio
Love me less but love me a long time.
Speaker of the Forum

559
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 05 Oct 2006
Posts: 829
Reviews: 559
Country: England
377 Points

PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 6:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well i wanna read more! It seems to be the beginning of a very interesting story. Post more!

_________________
Je crains que pour tout ça tu doives entendre je t'aime.

Got YWS?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Soldier boy jack   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

33
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 18
Joined: 06 Nov 2006
Posts: 40
Reviews: 33

300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 7:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

don't worry the story will be update very shortly as we are both working on it as we speak

_________________
i don't really care anymore if people hate me,
i'm used to it, so don't bother saying anything to me, because you know that i really don't care!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
RoxanneR   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

90
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 162
Reviews: 90

300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2006 7:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The woman's character and the other main boy (who hasn't yet been introduced) are both based on us, but it has been hard to add more charactoristics so that they are not reconisable as us.

But don't worry, more will be up by, at the latest, the end of November.

But we'll keep you on tenterhooks for a while *Laughs evily!*

RR*

_________________
Want a faithful critique? PM me!

Luv RR*
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Sureal   View This User's Portfolio
(i are RITER!!!)
Epic Novelist

457
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 20
Joined: 10 Feb 2005
Posts: 3221
Reviews: 457
Country: England
522 Points

PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2006 12:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

There's an overuse of words such as 'said' - apart from the first two times (to set down who is speaking), these aren't needed unless you want to convey a change in the way the person is speaking (eg. they start shouting).

Could probably also do with some more description. Although, as a prologue, you may be leaving that out on purpose.

One line I really liked: 'she sighed dramatically'. I don't know, but it really rings with me Smile.

Keep on writing Cool.

_________________
The Broken.

Chapter One // Chapter Two // Chapter Three // Chapter Four // Chapter Five

Since 7th Sep: 9,400 words down, only 90,600 to go!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
RoxanneR   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

90
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 162
Reviews: 90

300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 11:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for that, Sureal. Yeh, we don't want to give too much away, considering it is just the prologue, but if you think it needs more description...

RR*

_________________
Want a faithful critique? PM me!

Luv RR*
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on November 6, 2006
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction All times are GMT
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on November 6, 2006

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. - Mark Twain
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society