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Sohini
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 Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2006 7:07 am Post subject: The Adventures of Ivan the Stable Lad |
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The Adventures of Ivan the Stable Lad
In a faraway kingdom,
Over the great green sea,
A King had an orchard
And the orchard had a tree.
The tree it bore apples
And golden apples were they!
So, the King was furious
When the fruits got stolen one day.
Ivan, the stable lad,
Was called in by the King,
“Guard my orchard and to me
The thief you must bring.”
The thief ’twas a Firebird
As Ivan saw one night,
He could only get at its plumes
As it swiftly took toflight.
The King he sent poor Ivan
In search of the thief bird,
On his way Ivan met a wolf
He had never seen or heard.
The great grey wolf, he advised,
“Mix bread and cheese with beer,
Then you’ll catch with much ease
The magic bird so dear.”
The Firebird was soon
Caught in Ivan’s sack.
The wolf, he ran to the king
With Ivan on his back.
The King, he had heard
Of a princess very fair.
So, to seek the fair maiden,
Was our Ivan’s new dare.
Beyond the seas, inside a castle,
He found the lovely amid,
Did I forget to tell you that
The wolf had come to aid?
The princess, she was beautiful!
Her love, Ivan had won,
On hearing this, the wolf, he said,
“I know what should be done!”
The wolf, he played a nasty trick,
Into maiden did he turn!
With him was the King to wed
So Ivan’s heart wouldn’t burn.
The King was glad to see his bride,
He said, “This is my Queen,
Watch me wed the one with
Whom I shall now reign.”
The King, he placed his royal kiss
And thought it was very bold-
But when the bride became a wolf
The royal heart, it grew cold.
On kissing a wolf and not his bride
The King turned stiff as a rock.
And I think you’ll be glad to know
The King, he died of shock.
Ivan, now the king himself
Set the Firebird free,
Who flew away and never he came
Near the golden apple tree.
I sit alone and sigh aloud,
“Of the great wolf, what became?”
As Ivan weds his love, I say,
“I forgot to ask his name!”
NOTE: This poem is based on a legend from the mythologies of Central and Eastern Europe about the magical Firebird. The princess mentioned here is called Yelelna the Fair. I have given the tale a new feel by putting it in verses.
Date: 22nd Sept, 2006. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2006 7:37 am Post subject: |
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OMG! I love that story!
*automatically gives A++++++*
Nice rhyming job! I'm impressed.  |
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Poor Imp
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| Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2006 6:55 pm Post subject: |
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A different telling of The Firebird - much more lighthearted than the Russian. ^_~ But wonderfully amusing, neatly rhymed.
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With him was the King to wed
So Ivan’s heart wouldn’t burn. |
...Might flow a bit better were you to drop the contraction - 'would not' rather than 'wouldn't'.
Oy, but that's nearly all for notice on the critiquing side. I enjoyed it; love the story. And you set out your version aptly, complete, no hanging threads. ^_^ |
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Wiggy
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| Posted: Sat Sep 23, 2006 8:15 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked it!!!! I'm a sucker for rhyming poems...
The only thing I notice was that this line seemed to not flow as well as the rest of your piece did:
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| So, the King was furious |
I think it might have been that comma in there that made it seem like that. I can't find anything else, and again, absolutely great job! Like I said, I love rhyming poetry.
Wiggy |
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theluckyflower
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| Posted: Sun Sep 24, 2006 6:09 pm Post subject: |
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That was so amusing; such a cute story! I really liked it. The rhyming – very remarkable! I’m impressed.
Everyone has their own grammatical style when it comes to writing poems, but here is what I would change if it was my own poem (but it isn’t, so just do whatever)
| Quote: |
The tree it bore apples
And golden apples were they! |
Comma after the first “apples”
| Quote: |
So, the King was furious
When the fruits got stolen one day. |
It was said already, but the comma after “so” doesn’t make it flow too well.
| Quote: |
“Guard my orchard and to me
The thief you must bring.” |
Comma before “and”
| Quote: |
The thief ’twas a Firebird
As Ivan saw one night, |
Semicolon or period instead of a comma
| Quote: |
He could only get at its plumes
As it swiftly took toflight. |
Space between “to” and “flight”
| Quote: |
The King he sent poor Ivan
In search of the thief bird, |
Period instead of a comma
| Quote: |
So, to seek the fair maiden,
Was our Ivan’s new dare. |
There doesn’t really need to be a comma after so.
| Quote: |
Beyond the seas, inside a castle,
He found the lovely amid, |
“Amid”? Do you mean “maid”?
| Quote: |
The King was glad to see his bride,
He said, “This is my Queen, |
Period instead of a comma after “bride”
Period or semicolon after “Queen”
| Quote: |
| The royal heart, it grew cold. |
Semicolon instead of a comma
| Quote: |
On kissing a wolf and not his bride
The King turned stiff as a rock. |
Comma after “bride”
| Quote: |
Ivan, now the king himself
Set the Firebird free, |
Comma after “himself”
| Quote: |
Who flew away and never he came
Near the golden apple tree. |
It would flow a bit better if you took out the “he”
Once again, good work with you piece. I hope to read more of your work.
Yours Truly,
***__THELUCKYFLOWER__*** |
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Sohini
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| Posted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 6:45 am Post subject: |
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THANK YE ALL FOR APPRECIATING.
i'll have to work on my punctuation skill, thanks Luck flower.
i need advice:hare in the line-
"So, the King was furious"
for better flow should i just remove the comma or the 'so' as well? |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 7:15 am Post subject: |
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So!
The tree it bore apples
And golden apples were they!
So, the King was furious
When the fruits got stolen one day.
Maybe...
The tree it bore apples
And golden apples were they!
So, the King was angry
When the fruits were robbed one day.
Maybe? |
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Sohini
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| Posted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 7:24 am Post subject: |
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ahh... fanks sphoink * eating potato chips at the moment*
*offers one to all * |
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Caligula's Launderette
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| Posted: Mon Sep 25, 2006 8:29 am Post subject: |
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Aww, how cute!
The only problem I see is this-
The tree it bore apples
And golden apples were they!
So, the King was furious
When the fruits got stolen one day.
In the last line, got should be were... |
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Bjorn
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| Posted: Tue Sep 26, 2006 2:16 am Post subject: |
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| Haha, a great piece of Russian legend, retold and remastered by a skilful hand! I'm no stranger to this myth (duh), and... what Imp said ^_~ |
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Sohini
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| Posted: Wed Sep 27, 2006 5:59 am Post subject: |
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| so this is Russian? do you know more of this legend Bjorn? could you tell me? |
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Sohini
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| Posted: Wed Sep 27, 2006 6:27 am Post subject: |
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Snoink darling, thanks sooo much!
*hugs Snoink*
*gives her a cat dressed in a piggy costume*
that really will help a lot with my illustrations too! |
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Poor Imp
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| Posted: Wed Sep 27, 2006 6:28 am Post subject: |
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Listen to Stravinsky's Firebird suite as well, if you like. Beautiful music - though again, probably darker than your light-heated poem.
IMP |
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Bjorn
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| Posted: Wed Sep 27, 2006 8:13 pm Post subject: |
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| Well there you go Sohini! |
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