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Diaries of an Ex Queen Bee- Ch 1: Thoughts of a Dvasted Girl
Diaries of an Ex Queen Bee- Ch 1: Thoughts of a Dvasted Girl

by estead in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on May 3, 2006
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Part 1 of: the escape
Topic ID: 8764
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Alison Arguanova   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2006 4:27 pm    Post subject: Part 1 of: the escape Reply with quote

He was running through the underbrush. The wind was strong and unrelenting, seemingly taking direction from the overbearing rain. Everything was wet, which made it virtually impossible for him not to slip and fall into the mud, which would mean the end of everything. He knew that if he slipped up for one second, they would find him. Capture was simply not an option.

Every step he took had to be calculated in advance, and since he was running faster than he ever had in his life, he had to make sure he was calculating quickly and accurately. It was the fact that he knew the terrain so well that saved him.

A loud bang erupted behind him. He couldn't even think about it the second after it happened. If he did, he was sure to slow down slightly, and he knew that he couldn't. But in the second the bang occurred, he could tell right away a gun had been fired. But why? The shot was no where near him. So the questions he needed to ask himself, were: who was shooting, and what were they shooting at? Of course, he couldn't think about it, so he ran on, trying to dismiss it as a faulty fire.

"Almost there," he thought despite himself. The forest was only so big, and he knew every section of it, including the exit. Of course, there was the issue of what to do once at the exit, like, how to physically leave, but he'd worry about that then. Right now, he had to get there alive. Survival was all that mattered. "Live or die," he risked thinking, "I'm getting out."

The trees were getting farther apart and fewer. The end of it was coming. All that was left standing between him and freedom was a bit more of forest about one mile or so long, and he knew from experience that he could make it in under five minutes.

"Right foot on the branch, left foot connect to that dry piece of bark," he thought to himself. He knew to keep off the mud, which was everywhere, so he had to find random pieces of tree to grasp with his sneakers so as not to slip.

There was a massive fallen trunk of a tree just ahead. He had to go straight. It would be impossible to turn and not slip. But how was he to get past the trunk without risking a misstep? Everything depending on this escape, not to mention everyone. This had to happen. Failure was not an option.

He was getting closer and closer to the tree with every decisive step. He seemed to forget everything but getting past the tree trunk, and relied on memory to get him up to that point. When it was time for him to lung over it, he took a deep breath, and pushed off of a tree stub behind him to get maximum height.

Everything seemed to get shorter as he flew threw the air, but then everything retrieved its respective height once he made it back to the ground. It was amazing. Everything inside him seemed to tell him that he would never made it over the trunk without slipping, but he landed perfectly and without incident. What was more, he was now facing the end of the forest. There were no more trees in front of him. Instead, he was greeted with concrete floors and a massive electrical fence that no one was ever supposed to reach. At least no one like him was supposed to see it, or ever think of climbing it. How could he, when one touch would mean the end of his precious life.

Breathing deeply, he prepared himself to do what he knew he had to. Squinting his eyes, he began figuring out the best way to...

"John!" a masculine voice called from behind him.

He knew that voice. And John also knew that the man would never allow him to leave. Too bad John had other plans...

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PostPosted: Wed Jul 26, 2006 1:21 am    Post subject: Re: Part 1 of: the escape Reply with quote

Alison Arguanova wrote:
He was running through the underbrush. The wind was strong and unrelenting, seemingly taking direction from the overbearing rain. Everything was wet, which made it virtually impossible for him not to slip and fall into the mud, which would mean the end of everything. He knew that if he slipped up for one second, they would find him. And capture was simply not an option.

Every step he took had to be calculated in advance, and since he was running faster than he ever had in his life, he had to make sure he was calculating quickly and accurately. It was the fact that he knew the terrain so well that saved him.

A loud bang erupted behind him. He couldn't even think about it the second after it happened. If he did, he was sure to slow down slightly, and he knew that he couldn't. But in the second the bang occurred, he could tell right away a gun had been fired. But why? The shot was no where near him. So the questions he needed to ask himself, were: who was shooting, and what were they shooting at? Of course, he couldn't think about it, so he ran on, trying to dismiss it as a faulty fire.

"Almost there," he thought despite himself. The forest was only so big, and he knew every section of it, including the exit. Of course, there was the issue of what to do once at the exit, like, how to physically leave, but he'd worry about that then. Right now, he had to get there alive. Survival was all that mattered. "Live or die," he risked thinking, "I'm getting out."

The trees were getting farther apart and fewer. The end of it was coming. All that was left standing between him and freedom was a bit more of forest one last stretchabout one a mile or so long, and he knew from experience that he could make it in under five minutes.

"Right foot on the branch, left foot connect to that dry piece of bark," he thought to himself. He knew to keep off the mud, which was everywhere, so he had to find random pieces of tree to grasp with his sneakers so as not to slip.

There was a massive fallen trunk of a tree just ahead. He had to go straight. It would be impossible to turn and not slip. But how was he to get past the trunk without risking a misstep? Everything depending on this escape, not to mention everyone. This had to happen. Failure was not an option.you repeated the 'not an option' saying

He was getting closer and closer to the tree with every decisive step. He seemed to forget everything but getting past the tree trunk, and relied on memory to get him up to that point. When it was time for him to lung over it, he took a deep breath, and pushed off of a tree stub behind him to get maximum height.

Everything seemed to get shorter as he flew threw the air, but then everything retrieved its respective height once he made it back to the ground. It was amazing. Everything inside him seemed to tell him that he would never made it over the trunk without slipping, but he landed perfectly and without incident. What was more, he was now facing the end of the forest. There were no more trees in front of him. Instead, he was greeted with concrete floors and a massive electrical fence that no one was ever supposed to reach. At least no one like him was supposed to see it, or ever think of climbing it. How could he, when one touch would mean the end of his precious life.

Breathing deeply, he prepared himself to do what he knew he had to. Squinting his eyes, he began figuring out the best way to...

"John!" a masculine voice called from behind him.

He knew that voice. And John also knew that the man would never allow him to leave. Too bad John had other plans...


This is pretty nice, sometimes a little slow because of the word choice and structure but a nice beginning nonetheless. Suspensful.

-MH

p.s. You'll have to look at this post while using YWS Light to see all my critiques in the qouted story.
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 1:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like the pace you've set. I always get frustrated when writers neglect to give description, and make no attempt to set a mood. You, however, have done these things. I'm curious to know what happens next, which is a very good sign, especially for a rather short work.

I noticed a couple of instances where the reader becomes conscious of a young narrator:

Quote:
Of course, there was the issue of what to do once at the exit, like, how to physically leave, but he'd worry about that then.


You could replace like with a dash: "Of course, there was the issue of what to do once at the exit- how to physically leave, but he'd worry about that then.

Quote:
so he had to find random pieces of tree to grasp with his sneakers so as not to slip.


"Random" is not effective word choice. You could try "scattered" or "various". And just a thought, but to "grasp with one's sneakers" is a strange feat (no pun intended). To grasp is an action usually associated with hands.

I would also suggest getting rid of fluffy words such as "of course" "like" "even" "almost" "seemed to" etc... Use your judgement. Do any of the words seem to minimalize the air of drama you are striving towards?

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 3:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a descriptive, suspenseful piece of writing and I love suspense, and a writer setting the mood, so I really enjoyed this! There were a few mistakes but others before me have mentioned them. I can't wait to read more!
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 27, 2006 4:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello!

I liked the way you created suspense in this story and left us hanging a little near the end. You gave us enough information to understand a snippet of what was going on, but the reader still wonders why this character is running by the end. However, I do have some concerns and suggestions.

In all, this has a very detached feeling to it. You are telling us the character's mindset, but you are not describing any of his emotions. This could be intentional, but it does not give the character a very real feel to the reader. For instance, you say that it was wet so 'it was virtually impossible for him not to slip and fall into the mud.', but you don't say that in the context of him being frightened. Throughout the story, you sound like an impassive reporter, citing exactly what the character does and a bit of his mindset, but not looking into emotions or motives. If this is not intentional, it can be a problem because the reader feels no connection to the character.

That was my main issue with this story, but I could not resist a few nitpicks... Very Happy

Quote:
He was running through the underbrush. The wind was strong and unrelenting, seemingly taking direction from the overbearing rain. Everything was wet, which made it virtually impossible for him not to slip and fall into the mud, which would mean the end of everything. He knew that if he slipped up for one second, they would find him. Capture was simply not an option.


Above, it was said that which being repeated is a problem, and I just wanted to agree with that 'cause it really bugged me. In blue is the word up which I see as very unnecessary. I understand you are trying to say that if he made a mistake they would find him, but there are better words than slip up for that. You also that if he slipped up for one second. Let's replace 'slip up' with just 'slipe' Then it would read 'if he slipped for one second.' Somehow the idea of him slipping for one second doesn't strike me as... right. Think about if you truly need that phrase.

Quote:
Every step he took had to be calculated in advance, and since he was running faster than he ever had in his life, he had to make sure he was calculating quickly and accurately. It was the fact that he knew the terrain so well that saved him.


This may have been mentioned above, but you repeating calculating bogs down the story and only restates your point.

Quote:
A loud bang erupted behind him. He couldn't even think about it the second after it happened. If he did, he was sure to slow down slightly, and he knew that he couldn't. But in the second the bang occurred, he could tell right away a gun had been fired. But why? The shot was no where [should be nowhere] near him. So the questions he needed to ask himself, were: who was shooting, and what were they shooting at? Of course, he couldn't think about it, so he ran on, trying to dismiss it as a faulty fire.


Firstly, I'm not fond of the verb 'erupting' for a bang, but that is just my preference. You decide whether that fits or not. The first sentence in red is worded very awkwardly - saying that it took a moment or two for him to recognize/hear the bang would probably sound better. In the second sentence in red, you say the bang 'occurred'. That is an extremely dull verb for a bang. In the first sentece you said it ERUPTED, and now it just... occurs. It seems a little bland to me. And in the last sentence, you basically dismiss all the questions you just listed because he couldn't think about them. Why do you even mention the questions if you're going to dismiss them a sentence later?

Quote:
"Almost there," he thought despite himself. The forest was only so big, and he knew every section of it, including the exit. Of course, there was the issue of what to do once at the exit, like, how to physically leave, but he'd worry about that then. Right now, he had to get there alive. Survival was all that mattered. "Live or die," he risked thinking, "I'm getting out."


This paragraph was good - I liked it. The only concern I had was the sentence in red because it was a little confusing to me. Think about what you are really trying to say here because it sounds like you're almost rambling by the way it is said.

Quote:
The trees were getting farther apart and fewer. The end of it was coming. All that was left standing between him and freedom was a bit more of forest about one mile or so long, and he knew from experience that he could make it in under five minutes.


Here we get the impression that he has run this distance before - valuable information reinforced. This paragraph was well done. Good job.

Quote:
"Right foot on the branch, left foot connect to that dry piece of bark," he thought to himself. He knew to keep off the mud, which was everywhere, so he had to find random pieces of tree to grasp with his sneakers so as not to slip.


As said, 'randomly' is not a good adjective here. His sneakers 'grasp' the tree? Grasping has more to do with the actions of the hand - I think grip is a much better word here.

Quote:
He was getting closer and closer to the tree with every decisive step. He seemed to forget everything but getting past the tree trunk, and relied on memory to get him up to that point. When it was time for him to lung [I think you mean lunge] over it, he took a deep breath, and pushed off of a tree stub behind him to get maximum height.

Everything seemed to get shorter as he flew threw the air, but then everything retrieved its respective height once he made it back to the ground. It was amazing. Everything inside him seemed to tell him that he would never made it over the trunk without slipping, but he landed perfectly and without incident. What was more, he was now facing the end of the forest. There were no more trees in front of him. Instead, he was greeted with concrete floors and a massive electrical fence that no one was ever supposed to reach. At least no one like him was supposed to see it, or ever think of climbing it. How could he, when one touch would mean the end of his precious life.


I like these paragraphs, especially the second one which gives us information on where he is. We know now that there is an electrical fence

Quote:
Breathing deeply, he prepared himself to do what he knew he had to. Squinting his eyes, he began figuring out the best way to...

"John!" a masculine voice called from behind him.

He knew that voice. And John also knew that the man would never allow him to leave. Too bad John had other plans...


Now we know his name... as I mentioned above, this was masterful suspense. This leaves me hanging and wonder what happens next, even if I'm not connected to John yet.

Despite my critical side, I did enjoy this story very much - it was a pleasure to read. Nice job and please keep writing. If you have any questions, PM me. Smile

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2006 11:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I may be new to this sort of stuff, but it sounded really good to me. It kept fast paced and drew me in, however short it was. This passage is a great start to something that could turn into a great story. John, as he was named, will turn into a very interesting character, I believe.

I really don't have any critiquing to do, but only beacuse I am still very new to writing and reviewing. I look forward to more!
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 07, 2006 10:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello Alison. I think you did a good job with this, take a look at what the above crits suggest and make changes.

One thing I'd like to add is when John is thinking. Instead of having it in speechmarks maybe you could have it in italics? Then the reader knows he is thinking and not speaking.

I look forward to reading the next part.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2006 5:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Almost every sentence is passive. Passive sentences make for a boring read. Fix them, it shouldn't be hard.
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