Topic ID: 10276
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timjim77
Novelist
Age: 18
Joined: 24 Sep 2005
Posts: 319
Reviews: 212
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 Posted: Wed Sep 20, 2006 9:39 pm Post subject: Omphalos, the Centre of the Universe |
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Stop smiling because I know your ovaries;
They’re not smiling at all.
I feel like there is hair in my mouth
Every time you call.
"Remind me of your soul again.
I've seen many, pardon me
Four in the morning, two in the day
But three legs gives me the most clarity."
"I'll answer your smallest thoughts
Even when you're alone
You could cast lots for a cloak
Or just dial the telephone."
Something is growing inside
And it's more than a premonition
Maybe the wrong one is navel gazing
Because your stomach shows your situation
Someone has crossed your adyton
Left an idol in the apex
Who has visited you today?
What did he pay you with- ?
Chorus
I’m so busy being deep
I forgot to be myself, I
Didn’t mean to be a creep
I just tried to be Delphi |
Last edited by timjim77 on Mon Jun 02, 2008 5:20 am; edited 4 times in total |
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Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple
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| Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 5:21 am Post subject: |
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"Stop smiling because I know your ovaries;
They’re not smiling at all." Whoa! That got my attention!
"Every late-night time you call." This doesn't cut it. I've read your poetry, you're really good. I don't like this line though. I can't figure out a way to change it other than this: "With every late-night phone call." Which also flows with the line before (one could hope for that)
"An expert on safe, a textbook on thin..." Maybe this is just me, but I don't really understand what these mean? Also, there should be a period after thin. And there should be a period after "gum".
Who is Delphi, by the way?
Hmm... I really liked all the stanzas, but the last one... was shorter than the rest, and the rhyme of deep/creep wasn't as good as the other lines before which you wrote.
"Remind me of your soul again"
Was my favorite line.
You're really good! A lot of potential!
I can't believe nobody has commented on THIS one yet!
Yay, first post here!
---Elizabeth |
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RandomGrrl
Writer
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Age: 16
Joined: 02 Apr 2008
Posts: 86
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Country: Wherever the Cheese, thus shall I follow.
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| Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 5:26 am Post subject: |
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| Ha. Beat me too this one. No fair. IT'S ON! Jk. What can I say? Fantastic. |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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Country: Building a bridge to Elizabeth's heart and guiding her to mines.
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| Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 10:59 am Post subject: |
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| RandomGrrl wrote: |
| Ha. Beat me too this one. No fair. IT'S ON! Jk. What can I say? Fantastic. |
Uh what?
Anyway, this was interesting and you start off quite well but then lose my interest until the last line. The problem of posting lyrics, is we don't have an idea how it sounds when music is put to it. If you post lyrics, Tim as I know you're in a band, post a link to a sound clip of it. Just to give us a general idea.
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Remind me of your soul again.
Too many charisms on my plate.
Are you the one with the familiar hands?
The famous creases and forgotten fate? |
Don't think that work is a real one. It doesn't help me at all. That was the main thing I've noticed.
Overall: I know you can do much better, so work on making this more lyrically wise interest. Nothing much else I can say. Tis interesting from first line but lose the impact after that. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN |
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We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag] |
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timjim77
Novelist
Age: 18
Joined: 24 Sep 2005
Posts: 319
Reviews: 212
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 5:04 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks for reminding me of this. I've completely redone it, and if I record it I'll post a link. Keep critiquing. |
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