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Elizabeth
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 Posted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 1:50 am Post subject: Masquerade |
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You are one of those masquerade men
who hide behind their own faces with
glittered feathers and sunglasses.
Attracting people with false whim and
humor so phony I can’t help but laugh.
You are really something, you know that—
Something terrible and disgusting.
From the bottom of my heart I knew you,
your mask, and was touched by your gloves,
as we twirled around on the marble tiles,
it hid your identity from me
This falsified my testifies of you
And for this I will no longer dance with you
The evening gala isn’t clear under the moon
And though the clouds are gone there are shadows
In my eyes as I look at you, sneaking behind the table
Cutting yourself, cutting the shield from yourself
I used to cry behind my feathered eyes for you
With the veil now taken off my eyes are clear
All I can see is you
(I know I need a stronger ending and I plan to fix this. Basically it's about he naiveness I felt towards the person as we both lied to each anotehr through masks -- our made up happy selves.... I like this poem, dont' you? I think it's actually one of the best things I've written in a long time. -- Elizabeth) |
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Last edited by Elizabeth on Thu Apr 06, 2006 2:10 am; edited 1 time in total |
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xanthan gum
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| Posted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 2:02 am Post subject: |
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From the bottom of my heart I knew you,
I knew your mask and was touched by your gloves |
change the second "i knew" around. no suggestions. sorry.
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This hid your identity from me
This falsified my testifies of you |
change the "this" to "it". it will sound more realistic, as this is more nearby relative.
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| And for this I will no longer dance with you |
I know this is a gala, but you never mentioned dancing before so it was sort of random.
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| Cutting yourself, cutting the shield from yourself |
i thought this was beautiful
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I used to cry behind my feathered eyes for you
With the veil now taken off my eyes are clear
And all I can see is you |
I LOVED the ending. but cut out the last "and". |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 4:07 am Post subject: |
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Thank you! You have rescued me from the drudgeries of review questions, for which I will be eternally grateful...
Ahem. Yes. Well. On with the review 
Firstly, I gotta tell you, I love this poem. I like the images it invokes in my head [smiles blissfully as she imagines glittering ballrooms] I also love it because, as I said, I DESPERATELY NEED TO ESCAPE FROM MY COURSEWORK!!
I swear that is the last time I will mention that, though. LOL.
To the first stanza:
You are one of those masquerade men
who hide behind their own faces with
glittered feathers and sunglasses.
LOVE that first line. Beautiful use of alliteration. Second line also good. I'm not sure about the "with" at the end there. It seems wrong somehow, but I cant think of any suggestions, sorry. Perhaps you could put it on the third line? Because 'glittered' seems out of place too, so that might fix both problems in one hit, lol. I also think "sunglasses" is too short - the rhythm kinda goes wonky here. Or maybe it's too long? Ack. I cant decide  Either way though, a little bit of tweaking there might smooth things out a bit.
Attracting people with false whim and
humor so phony I can’t help but laugh.
I have to say, I'm not sure I like this bit. The forth line is OK, slightly cliche but nothing too terrible lol. The "with false whim" part..."whim"...I dunno. Sounds a bit pretentious, maybe. Also sounds like you've left out a word. Not sure. Tweak this bit maybe. Also, if I were you I'd lose the capitals at the beginning of each line (except where beginning a new sentence). Its distracting cos each time I get to one I keep beginning a new sentence in my head, which is possibly why I keep feeling the rhythm is a bit screwy.
You are really something, you know that—
Something terrible and disgusting.
From the bottom of my heart I knew you,
your mask, and was touched by your gloves,
as we twirled around on the marble tiles,
You need a full stop here, IMHO.
it hid your identity from me
This falsified my testifies of you
And for this I will no longer dance with you
Um...what? Not sure what you're saying here. The first line is clear, but "this falsified my testifies of you"?  eh? Not sure about the repetition of "you" at the end of the lines either.
The evening gala isn’t clear under the moon
And though the clouds are gone there are shadows
In my eyes as I look at you, sneaking behind the table
Cutting yourself, cutting the shield from yourself
Perhaps "beneath" instead of "under"? Needs a comma between "gone" and "there are". Again, get rid of the capitals at the beginning of the lines! **is confuzzled by them** Ack! LOL. Need some form of punctuation between "behind the table" and "cutting" as well. Otherwise, I love this stanza.
I used to cry behind my feathered eyes for you
With the veil now taken off my eyes are clear
All I can see is you
Why is there emphasis on "my" in the first line? Also, needs a comma between "taken off" and "my eyes" and a full stop at the end of that line and the last line to add impact. Otherwise, I also love the ending. Very powerful. A very enjoyable poem which should be even better with just a wee bit of editing  Kudos, as usual! And thank you for asking me to critique it, you rescued me from 16th century philosophers for a while  |
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: Thu Apr 06, 2006 6:12 am Post subject: |
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Masquarade
by Elizabeth Mathers
Edited 4-6-06
You are one of those masquerade men
who hide behind their own faces with
shimmering feathers and sunglassed eyes.
Attracting people with false ecstasy and
humor so phony, I can’t help but laugh
as the night goes on and the champagne fades.
You are really something, you know that—
something terrible and disgusting.
From the bottom of my heart I knew you,
your mask, and was touched by your gloves,
as we twirled around on the marble tiles;
it hid your identity from me.
This falsified my knowledge of you
and for this; I can no longer dance with grace.
The evening gala isn’t clear beneath the moon
And though the clouds are gone, there are shadows
In my eyes as I look at you, sneaking behind the table
Cutting yourself, cutting the shield from yourself.
I used to cry behind my feathered eyes for you
With the veil now taken off, my eyes are clear
All I can see is you |
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Araidne
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| Posted: Fri Apr 07, 2006 1:08 pm Post subject: |
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| Nice! On one line though, "the champagne fades", I would tweak it a bit. Just a bit. Second stanza: LOVED IT! It has a nice even flow,(unlike mine) Ending: Try rhyming you with true, or blue. All in all, I say you did a great job. :thumb: =D> |
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Shriek
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| Posted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 3:27 am Post subject: |
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"I like this poem, dont' you? I think it's actually one of the best things I've written in a long time."
I completely agree. In no way am I a poet, nor will I pretend to know how to critique poetry, but I very much enjoyed reading this. It was loaded with extraordinary images like, "shimmering feathers and sunglassed eyes" and twirling "around on the marble tiles." It was very colorful and ornate, just like a masquerade. Yet, I could find the meaning easily.
Top notch writing, TBR. |
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Doubt
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| Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 9:45 am Post subject: |
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| Really like this one. The edited version made it perfect. Keep it up. |
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mystical*dragons
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| Posted: Mon Apr 10, 2006 11:39 am Post subject: |
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| This was really good! I for one do not like poetry, but I really did like this one. I'm really sorry but I'm afraid I don't have any constructive criticism for it. But good job! |
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Elizabeth
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Araidne
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| Posted: Thu Apr 13, 2006 2:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Your welcome. i enjoy reading your work. Loved this poem! |
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Cassandra
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| Posted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 3:37 am Post subject: |
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| I really like the image this conjures, all the shimmering ballrooms and masks. I love the edited version. Great job! |
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timjim77
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| Posted: Sun Apr 30, 2006 4:08 am Post subject: |
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I like this poem for two reasons. Firstly, because it has wonderful imagery. Secondly, because it is a good example for a time when diction could be improved. Diction is your word choice. There were times when your word choice could have been improved in this poem.
"Attracting people": People is a vague term. Unless it is meant in a universal or cultural sense, it has basically no meaning.
"phony": Probably not the most poetic word that could have been used here. Especially since it is preceded by the word so, which emphasizes it. This is a weak word where a strong one is needed.
"bottom of my heart": This is a cliche in the literal sense of the word. Probably better imagery could be used here.
"twirled around": It should either be 'twirled about' or just 'twirled' or some other word. Twirled around gives the image of spinning in one place or being turned to face in the opposite direction.
"falsified": A very stiff, awkward word here. To fix it the structure of the sentence may need to be changed, but it is well worth it.
"isn’t": Do not ask me why, but many people think that contractions are a lower form of dialogue. If you believe them, you may want to switch to "is not".
"sneaking": Acceptable word, but barely. Better words would be 'slipping' or 'creeping'.
"taken off": You end a clause with a preposition. 'Removed' would be a better word choice, but better still would be to change the clause so that you would bot have to use passive voice.
I applaud you for actually revising your work. Kudos! |
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: Sat May 06, 2006 4:16 am Post subject: |
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Edit:
MASQURADE
By Elizabeth Mathers
EDIT 5-5-06
You are one of those masquerade men
who hide behind their own faces with
shimmering feathers and sunglassed eyes.
Distracting people with false ecstasy and
humor so ersatz, I can’t help but laugh
as the night goes on and the champagne roils
Into and down our hearts.
You are really something, you know that—
something terrible and disgusting.
From the heavens high and trenches deep, I knew you,
your mask, and was touched by your gloves,
as we twirled about on the marble tiles;
it hid your identity from me.
My words of you are now coated thick with deception—
you turned me into a liar
and for this; I can no longer dance with grace.
The evening gala is not clear beneath the moon
And though the clouds are gone, there are shadows
In my eyes as I look at you, sidling behind the table
Cutting yourself, cutting the shield from yourself.
I used to cry behind my feathered eyes for you
now I have removed the mask from my face—
All I can see is you
(Better worse? Doesn't really matter -- it's now something I will drop to a school level.) |
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Elizabeth
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Niamh
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| Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 6:42 am Post subject: |
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| Such stunning imagery--this poem is almost perfect. The only thing I can suggest is taking out "you turned me into a liar" and leaving it as " . . . thick with deception . . .and for this . . ." if you understand what I'm getting at. I never know if what I'm saying makes sense to other people. Other than that tiny suggestion, I have to say that this is one of those poems that literally took my breath away. It is alight with bitter sentiment, and yet it is something beautiful. |
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